May
17th
2017
Well, next chapter is ready. · 3:11am May 17th, 2017
My next chapter is just about ready, it just needs some fine tuning. I have mixed expectations about this one, and I'm pretty sure that some of you will love it, while others will despise it for some of the creative choices I've made.
Mainly, I don't show Shining Armor's battle with the changelings, because it 1: doesn't last long, and 2: is extremely confusing to write and read in this formate. So I just show the aftermath.
If you guys want to act as my wingponies for this one, you can find it here: Chapter XV
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Knight Breeze · 419 views
· Story: What I Am
·
#Here we go again
#it's time
#this one was a lot easier
#can't stop the rock
I have exactly one issue woth the chapter as it stands now aside from gramatical and spelling type stuff. The brevity. There are scenes and things that feel, for lack of a better word, rushed. Please forgive the incredible vagueness of my following suggested edits. My google docs app doesn't want to cooperate and I can't get my phone to do the censor bars either...
The initial exchange with royalty is a prime example. You state that she looks different, but not how from that perspective. I would suggest dedicating a simple line or two towards doing this. No more than a short paragraph though... It would give the audience a better mental image of her, if for no other reason than learning just how different she is from the individual we all already know. It would also lend some weight to the consideration she's given if the similarities are also noted.
The fight you chose to not write... I feel like that's a pretty solid decision. However, I do think it would be in your interest to describe what leads up to that fight. We see everyone's reaction from elsewhere to the methods used. That's excellent and pretty well done. I feel like what leads up to the fight would help these new characters, be they backdrops or not, get some much needed depth. Perhaps a quick paragraph or two from their perspective? Fear is one of those things that's infinitely more understandable amd relatable from first person...
Last, but not least... The initial meeting and discussion when he steps from the falls... The perspective choice is a good one. I do feel that the scene would benefit from a brief perspective from one of the bystanders. Their surprise at the things that surprise her, and their concerns that may or may not be completely unrelated to those of who we already see things through...
Also... That is the finest explanation of how that ability works I have ever seen. Seriously. Bravo. I want to see MORE stuff like that in the future. It's simultaneously completely outside the box, but entirely fitting within the established cannon of both your world and that of the show. Seriously, hot damn. I cannot commend you enough for that one.
4535911 Made some changes. How does it look now?
4536220
Excellent! The description is a little clunky, but I feel like it adds much more weight to the generalized goings on. I would suggest some alternative word choices for better flow.
Where you state that, "Their *x* is also a bit different," I would suggest something like, "There were also differences in their, *x*" to make it flow a bit better.
You could also condense a fair bit of it for sake of flow while keeping the weight by doing something along the lines of, "Unlike those that had *done x thing* these had *x features* instead of, *x similar feature.*"
In my personal opinion, the greatest strong suit of the added description is the focus on the eyes. The description of the emotion and color makes it stand out well above the rest and almost makes the rest superfluous.
To whit... Didn't you previously describe them from our hero's perspective as being nearly identical? During the whole kidnap sequence from a few chapters ago...? I may be mis-remembering... But, if you did, I would suggest keeping the eye thing, more or less scrapping the rest, and using the unification between the two parties mentioned here as a catalyst for that "remodeling" as a piece of plot later on down the road. That'd give you some freedom with some things that are plot related, as well as provide an easy to write arc saving you from a potential writer's block induced hiatus should that happen...
If I am remembering correctly, I would then suggest that the primary focus of the description be hair color/styling, eye color/emotion, and bearing. When I say bearing, I personally think of, things like posture, air of defiance/submissiveness, andgeneralized body language type things. I feel like focusing on bearing and the eyes would be almost perfect. Their whole deal is they're born the be actors, effectively, no? Deception goes beyond appearance. Focusing beyond appearance on those other things... Perfect for someone in her position to look at. That there is an excercise of diplomatic and bargaining skill that isn't often witnessed and perfectly suited to the character doing the observing.
Having just read the chapter, it flows well and skipping the battle did no harm. In fact, it did exactly what you meant it to, if what you meant it to was to emphasise Shining being direct, quickly assessing that the Neighagra Changelings are non-combatants and treating them as such with minimal prejudice. He'll still have some (obviously you can't just shrug off brainwashing, kidnapping and an attempted coup), but he came across as refreshingly okay with our new pal Buggy.