I cannot... · 3:07am May 15th, 2017
I really didn't want to make this post...
It's been months since I've updated any of my stories. It has been such a long time since you guys have seen activity from me outside of the occasional, "Hey, I'm alive!" post and I cannot excuse it. I've been getting through the last leg of high school, applying for college, prepping for my SAT, trying to get a license, dealing with court problems, and working all at the same time. Whenever I'm not at school, I'm at work, and whenever I'm not at work, I'm at home trying to catch up on sleep, make up for lost mealtime, or filling out different applications. It feels like I barely have time to breathe sometimes, let alone sit down and write.
So, this blog post is me saying... I cannot. I cannot continue to feed you all false hopes of me returning to the site completely when I can barely make time to watch the new season. I cannot say that I'm still active when in all actuality, I barely have time to read through my notifications. I cannot say that I'm thinking of my stories when my mind is elsewhere. I cannot say that I'm doing OK when I'm quite the opposite.
Because I am not OK.
I'm depressed. I'm tired all the time and no amount of sleep has been able to cure it. All my dreams are turning into nightmares and I am scared of the future ahead of me. I am still blank-flanked and quite unsure of what my destiny is... or if I even have one to begin with. I don't know who I am or who I even want to be, because it feels hopeless a lot of the time.
All the colors fade and the darkness begins to creep in.
I've tried talking to people, but sometimes, it feels like they just want the problem to go away and not actually listen to me when I tell them how I'm feeling. They want the end result, but aren't willing to go the extra mile to get to the finish line. They'll see me when I'm at my best and assume that I've been cured, but refuse to acknowledge the time I spend in the dark. The worst part about it is that sometimes I don't even know why I'm upset; I just am.
Most of the time, it feels like I need to keep going for the sake of everyone else, not for my own. I don't want to die or kill myself because I know how much that will everyone who cared about me. Most of the time I just want to... stop existing. And it's a scary thought, but that's how I feel. And I don't like feeling that way, so I just... shut it out.
Maybe one day I'll be able to come back on the site full-term like I used to, but for now... I'm taking the backseat. I'll get on, talk with you guys now and again, keep up with the episodes as best I can, maybe review some stuff. I'm not leaving the site, but I'm not going to be here like before. All my works will be put on hiatus, so I'm sorry for that. No one is more disappointed than I am.
...But I have to.
All I can say is... I hope DO things get better for you...
Get better. And don't come back until you do.
See you one day.
I don’t think anyone will hold this against you.
You take care of yourself first and foremost, and if that means we’ll be seeing less of you, you do what you feel is necessary.
I can’t possibly imagine what you’re going through, but I do honestly hope you pull through to the other side. You’re a wonderful person.
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We'll be here, Harmony.
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Depression's a hell of a thing.
Remember: If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, storebought will do :)
As others have said already, you have to do what you need to do, and remember that it's OK to feel the way that you are.
It's not pleasant, and we all understand it's not something you want, but it's OK.
If you need someone to listen without trying to "fix" things, I'm sure just about any one of us would be happy to lend an ear or shoulder. All you have to do is ask.
Well, I hope things will get better for you eventually. Maybe once school's out for the summer you'll have time to catch up?
Even if you don't know me, even if we're miles a part, here's a hug.
All the best to you. We're here if you need us, and I think I speak for all of us when I say we understand and support your choice. Mature of you, and I respect that. Good luck out there!
I understand. Working on something when you're not "feeling it" will make the work suffer and will not help you at all. No one should be go through that. (There's that corn taste again. What's going on?)
Try to do what you can with your life and yourself. Be with the people who do care and support you.
Come back only when you feel like coming back.
(If you feel like coming back)
Have this random thing:
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Take all the time you need. We'll be here for when you get back.
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All the best to you and if you ever need to chat to anyone, our doors are open.
Alright... I'm going to do my best with this, but I don't do this much and may come off a little insensitive. I actually just went through the same problem quite recently. it's very common, but many people have trouble speaking of that particular time in their life. (At least in my experience anyway.)
I'd actually be more worried if you didn't feel lost after being thrown into adult life. There is very little that can be done to truly prepare you for what you need right now. You said you're not ok right now, and as weird as it sounds I believe you wholeheartedly. It's not ok, and it won't be for a long while. Once you get into the groove of things everything will be so much better! But it will only get better the moment you allow it. Don't wallow in self pity until that moment slips through your hands.
Now then about your Destiny, your cutie Mark. I always get flak for saying this but it won't exist. Your place in this world is exactly where you are now. Your purpose is anything you do. As boring as it sounds there is no greater purpose besides living your life. People are too complicated for a single mark to define. You are yourself, and knowing yourself is difficult. I've been trying to get to know myself for 23 years and all I really know it's I love a certain shade of gray, I'm a cat person and I believe Rarity is adorable. Honestly, the people that care most for you are usually the ones that know you the best.
I know I rambled far too much, and spoke in circles quite a few times, and still don't quite feel like I conveyed my message correctly, but in the end just know you have people both near and far rooting for you. Live at your own pace. And we understand why you haven't been too active.
I just hope you find your way.
Alright. Take the time you need to feel better!
I understand how hard the transition from school to college is, so I fully support your decision. Hope the best for you, and to see you again once this is over
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Trust me, Harmony, this transitional phase between high school to college is one of the rougher years: It is SO worth the effort though. Keep fightin'.
Oh, and, uh, if it would help, I'm positive people would gladly support you with a Patreon if you need a reason to stay on the site...
Take care of yourself. Your health comes first; we'll welcome you back if you are up to it.
An apt choice of words. I remember my brother going off to college to learn electrical engineering with an Air Force scholarship with plans to be a career military man. Now he's been a chef for over ten years. I had no idea how that change came about. Or why my two sisters went to become a nurse and a speech therapist and never wavered from those paths. I always figured all three of them had a "Eureka!" moment, and figured mine would come too.
It didn't.
If I can give you some advice from the more than a decade's worth of life experience I have on you, it would be to follow the CMC's example. Don't wait for your answer to come to you. Do something. I wasted my late teens-early 20s waiting, and I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Don't repeat my mistake.
And hey, you have some experience in writing. Do you think you could live strapping yourself to a desk until you crank out a thousand words or so every single day? If not, then professional writing may not be for you. You have your job. Do you ever think about how long you can stick with that? Ever wonder how exactly your boss runs the place? Ever think how you can do it better from the management side of things? You already have some experiences to reflect on, to learn about yourself a bit. That's always good.
Regardless of all that, you're making the right decision here. This is just fanfiction. We don't own you or your time. Good luck!
I echo the well-wished of those before me.
Struggling with depression is exhausting, nothing ever seems to stick. There's no mystical cure or panacea cocktail to "fix" things as stresses continuously pile on. This "getting better" phenomenon I keep hearing about feels like it applies more to the ability to handle these issues than the actual issues going away.
People, however caring, tend to be impatient with their concerns - as if stasis could not be an option - if you're not cured then surely you're getting worse. You've been at a crossroads for a while and it's probably that conflicting there's-not-enough-time / this-ordeal-is-dragging-on-forever stage, but at least there are foreseeable ends: high school will end, college will begin, court will finally be over. It's hard, but the most rewarding things were fought for tooth and nail.
You take your time and know you'll always be welcome here. If you ever wanna chat, I'm one message away.
I know how you feel all too well my old friend, but just so you know. I'm here for you if you need me.
I know I'm really late, but we'll be here when you're ready to come back in your own good time.