Update · 4:50pm May 14th, 2017
Hey guys and gals,
Look, I know we haven't talked much over the last.. year or so. Probably more, I'm honestly a little scared to look. I know that my uploading has dried up, hard, and I think that, if anyone is still looking for it, an explaination is owed. It isn't some grand thing. Nobody died, I wasn't in a horrific accident. It was more that I found myself just... losing touch. Not just with writing, but with everything. I'm not above admitting that I spent the last year/year-and-a-half of my life wallowing in apathy. It was hard to get out of bed. Making it to class was a miracle. That I pulled my ass through was more due to my ability to memorize data than my attendence. My family was getting more distant (and take my word for it, we weren't very close to start with). I finally worked up the nerve to ask a girl out, more out of desperate loneliness than affection. Yeah. That blew up in my face, at least in part because I couldn't work up any emotion to give her.
It was terrible.
I'm not looking for sympathy, nor pity. It was my own fault for sitting under my personal rain-cloud, rather than slapping myself and getting my ass back in gear. I did try, making a token effort here and there, but I found myself uninterested. I gained weight. I started exercising, more for the endorphin than the health benefits. I spent nights crying to myself, terrified to go to sleep. What if I didn't wake up? What if I died, would anyone care? Would I be remembered for anything? It isn't anything new. I know that everyone has fears like that, but I let them control me. I gave in to them, and collapsed.
Then I came home from school for the summer. I've been working 40-60 a week, trying to pay for the last semester I need to round out a Physics Bachelor. I've been busting my ass, moving from work, to home, where I'm packing and moving house for my mother and her new husband. I'm sleeping on a couch. But you know what the worst part was?
About two days ago, as I sit writing this, I got a call from Mother. She wanted me to go clean the old house, and pack and bring more stuff. I'd just come off a swing shift, covering two of my incompetent coworkers. 2-10pm, and then 8-4. Halfway through cleaning, she calls to tell me to hurry up, and that they need me to come back to the new house. Not because I've been working all day, and most of the previous. Not because I might be tired, or hurting. Because she wants me to clean there, instead. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I'm not a very good person. I'm cruel, petty, and proud beyond belief. I am arrogant, unrepentant, and just about the most foul human being that hasn't quite given in to the urge to start biting hunks of flesh out of the necks of the people around her. But the thing that I cannot tolerate is hypocrisy. My step-father used to sit on his ass all day, and then bounce me off the walls of the house when I didn't pull every. Single. Weed. out of the garden. It left a sour taste in my mouth, and I strive to my utmost to avoid falling into that trap myself. Sorry. This is hard to do, and I keep looking out the window, resisting the urge to just close the browser and go do something mindless. Point is, I was fed up after that call. I nearly broke my hand, punching the floor.
The way I saw it, I was unwanted. I worked, and worked hard, to please everyone. My family. My boss. The random passerby in my tiny-ass home town. I've only told one coworker, no, I can't cover your shift because you don't want to come in. I've never had a teenage rebellion, I can't think of a single time I've EVER refused to do whatever mother wants, up to and including what the study in school. I'm not sure if that makes me a coward, too weak to fight for myself, or just too kind hearted to tell people no. *shrug* It doesn't make much difference in the end. I felt like utter shit. The worst part, though, was that even after doing all of that, I still hadn't even heard a "thank you" from anyone. No, good jobs, no praise. Ever. Except when I write. This is literally the only place where I feel appreciated. And because I was acting like an overemotional preteen, I let this part of my life shrivel up.
Well.
Fuck that.
I'm not going to try and round out the stories I've left unfinished. Honestly, it isn't just that I want to make a fresh start. Its that I hate the angst trash I see in most of the later chapters. I loved the beginning of Immortality, and Her Mother's Daughter, because it was me playing in this great big sandbox. No poorly-defined evil corrupting everything. No imminent war with the dragons. No tortured romances. Just me, doing the part of writing I love best. I adore building worlds, creating these vast wonderlands to play around with. My favorite part of Her Mother's Daughter is the Trophy Room in the Heart. Coming up with all these stories and legends about the world. The seven Heart-Stones of the zebra shamans, where the essence of their people, and their gods, rest. The Chains of Viridian, a magical artifact crafted to bind a Windego to the will of the mage. The Revenant, a horrible creature crafted from the necromantic magics of a corrupted Arch-mage, formed from the sacrifice of hundreds of young students under his care.
I'm going to write, this summer. And I'm going to try damned hard to keep writing over the semester. I want to explore all the worlds in my head. I want to learn about their history, explore how their magics work, and share in their triumphs and failures as much as any of you. More, most likely. And so, that is what I will do. I'm cancelling the stories I've currently left unfinished. I'm not revisiting them. Ever. If you woudl like to play in that sandbox, or finish out the stories, I'd be excited to read it. Expect something by next Sunday. And if you read this before then, remind me. Yell at me. Tell me not to give up, again. Because damn it, I don't want to be that pathetic again.
Still alive, and kicking once more,
Nadake Shashvor
Good to have you back! can't wait to see what you make!
As long as you're out of your funk
It's been a rough ride, I see, but it's good to hear that you're back in the saddle, as it were.
As it is, Her Mother's Daughter was one of the first stories that I read here, and was in fact one of the key reasons why I decided to register an account and hang around. I owe a lot of friendships to you, after a fashion.
Firstly, it's always good to see someone coming back to something they love. As world building is one of my passions too, doubly so.
But I'd like to ask somehing. In the stories you'll cancel, just add at the end a little resume of how you expected it to end. I can perfectly understand not wanting to continue something you have no interest for (or worse), but to never give stories an ending, even a "and then everyone banged and/or died", is just... Sad
Apathy takes pretty much everyone at some point, so I can understand. It sucks to feel like your being taken advantage of like that, especially from family and friends. Sorry you had it rough this past year and a half.
Me and my friend were actually discussing things similar to this today at the gym. What is your goal in life? And is what you are doing working towards that goal? Letting others set those goals for you will ruin your own happiness or interest.
My goal, is to simply enjoy life and be lazy. So far, I'm doing that pretty well. I find enjoyment in writing so I write. I make enough to get by and do what I want, but don't pursue financial gains. Others want money. One of my friends works around 50 hrs a week to pursue that and does everything they can to get promoted in order to get more money. Another of my friends wants the latest toys and tech and so he has a job to support his tech needs.
Find what you want and go for it, even if it isn't what others think you should want.
Rambling, as I tend to.
I hope you find some enjoyment in writing and welcome you back to it. Ever want to talk about randomness or ponies hit me up on Skype under this same name. 
Good luck with your plans, hope it works out for you. I would hate to see Her Mothers Daughter canceled or such but its up to you.
Yeah if you put Her Mothers Daughter on (permanent) hiatus try one day to write some kind of a summary of the planned future chapters or story's direction, maybe if you had one - of a planned ending.
Kind of a closure, and then move on to the new fics :) .
The first time HMD went un-updated for a while, I wasn't heartbroken. Not because it wasn't fantastic - it was, and still is, one of my very favorites of all time - but because Chapter 12 could've comfortably ended the story, or at least Book 1. Everything after that was still excellent, but I always felt HMD didn't lose anything by pausing where it did. As far as I was concerned, it was wonderfully complete when I read,
Everything after that was icing on the cake, and I thank you for it. Whether or not you come back to it, it's still earned its place an my permanent bookshelf.
Good to see you back and good luck
Cutting losses is something I know about, in the same way a heroin addict knows heroin. I'm good at it... a little too good. I've cut my losses in school(only 24 collage credits after 3 years). I've cut my losses with most of my family(nothing too bad, I just go quiet for months at a time and they hate that). I've cut my losses with my old friends(we were like brothers but now I'm "to blame" because I didn't contact them when they went quiet). I've cut my losses when it comes to getting a career(38-46 at $10 is all I need right now).
These don't bother me as much as they should. Whenever I do this I simply rebuild my view of what a "good life" is. It's more complicated than just lowering your expectations. It's convincing yourself that your life previously was not unfortunate but good. It's taking the little things you didn't appreciate and magnifying them. This takes you expectations, your "baseline" if you will, and knocks it down. Now the fact that I see my family is good. Having some collage is good. The fact that I have 3 friends left is plenty. I can still get raises and benefits if I stay with the company.
I'm cutting things I shouldn't. I've given up writing. I don't exercise anymore. I'm proud not to be on food stamps. I'm grateful when I wake up breathing.
I don't cry about these things anymore. If someone put a gun to my face, I would probably laugh. I don't act depressed. I tell jokes and am up for anything. But I feel... cold. My parents still expect things from me. People tell me I'm smart and that I can do so much... but I don't see the point anymore. I've cut to many things. The only things I have left are my immediate enjoyment and my will to stay neutral. I'm afraid If I lose those I'll be primal.
The fact that you worry at all is good. It means you care. If you can't anymore then don't. Just be aware that it is a slippery slope.
I didn't mean to type all that. I was planning on saying I symphysis and then offer to help writing... but its got to the point were I might be asking for you to help me.
In any case, I'd love to have a little motivation to write. maybe being an editor for whatever you plan on will help. Reply or PM me. I don't care.
I'm sorry they took you for granted like that. I've been there. It sucks ass.
I'm glad you're going to try to write again, and I wouldn't feel obligated to continue stories that no longer call you. Her Mother's Daughter is a great story, and I'm honestly glad we got as much of it as we did. Thank you for that.
I can't wait to read what you come up with, I love your world building.
Good luck with your future ventures and hope you find whatever you're looking for.
It's awesome having you back Nadake, I look forward to the next batch of Horse Words you press forth for our ravenous enjoyment.
I think at some point in life nearly everyone looses touch a bit. Whether it's while attending school or even just slogging through a hated job for years on end. For me it started to turn around when I realized I had no real friends, no one to talk to at school. Being alone like that had just chipped away at my enthusiasm until there was nothing left. So I left and tried reconnecting with my old friends. It doesn't take much to give you a bit of reinvigouration for life/happiness. I have never gone back to my old studies, and I took a job with a small business with good people in it. Getting to know decent people is probably the best thing for this type of problem. I hope that it will happen for you.
Welcome back to writing.
Good to hear you are doing what you need for yourself. Best of luck to you.
I too look forward to more of your work. It's a shame that you were taken for granted; it's far too easy for anyone to do, but it's still sad when it happens.
Oh, and fun fact: That was the OTHER option for what I made my avatar. :D
Twins!
Fuck, I just found this post. I feel like I let you down Nadake by just drifting away. I do hope you managed to get your Bachelor's done and are now having a challenging but rewarding time out in the world.