Dear Steam Customer Support

I've been dealing with steam customer support lately and I find it difficult to express my feelings on on this matter, so I'll let Chrysalis do it.

You ready?

Chrysalis scoffed. "Please, Hidden, I was born ready." Her horn ignited, and a parchment and pink quill manifested into being before her.

I blinked.

Is that Cadance's-

"Yes, and it's a primary too. Probably hurt, although sadly I doubt she's grounded with this one feather," Chrysalis said.

You're abusing my power here.

"I know. Isn't it grand?" Chrysalis said, smiling cheekily.

Fine. You do know that Steam is a mostly electronic service, and you can't mail them?

"Oh, don't you worry your pretty little controlling head. I'm just going to teleport this into the person in charge of customer support, and maybe scare them enough to get blood pumping past their greed laden arteries. Now, be a dear and back off, okay? I can't write with an author over my shoulder." Chrysalis said, chewing on the corner of Cadance's feather.

"Dear Steam Support,"

"I've been enlisted by my world's master to write a letter to you explaining his feelings on your customer support. And, frankly, after listening to him whine and complain endlessly about it, I have to say he's utterly justified, and if we lived in the same plane I would go out of my way to ensure your company failed abysmally and its primary stock holders wept in despair as their money plummeted, and their reputation in the market became forever blackened. Don't worry, I'd ensure you all could work in a retail store stocking tomato soup and only tomato soup 9 or seventeen hours a day at minimum wage."

"Now, as for what is specifically wrong with your customer support, where do I even begin?

First off, your utter lack of it is gloriously awful. I mean, lets take a look at griffons for a second. Griffon merchants and business owners have a long history of getting into fights with customers, and disputes are often settled only when the customer or the owner establish superiority. In other words, they literally beat the ever living shit out of one another, and the looser accepts his defeat while the winner walks away strutting to a whore house or something. That is immensely preferable to your nonexistent customer support.

You don't offer it. What you have is a series of automated responses that are no more sophisticated than a fancy mechanical clock, and your phone line is just pathetic. Three options, and two of them send you to the website? Why do you think people call you? Steam is an online service, so anyone calling you has more than likely already failed abysmally like Hidden here. So, redirecting him to a website that already failed is just insulting.

And your only real support is a voice mail? Wow, I'm better at customer support than that, and I literally feast on the love of other sentient beings. At least when my prisoners are visibly uncomfortable, I address that with better quarters or knocking them out and suspending them in a cocoon that stimulates happy memories for my beautiful little lings to devour. You just have something that everyone with a cellphone possesses.

Oh, and your notifications to refund rejections are cute in the sense they're so obviously automated by souless machines who do not check anything in the notes section. It's cute you give people the option to have notes in their refund request, but you'd accomplish more by giving them a picture of a puppy. At least then they'd have a single happy thought.

And-I'm bored now." Chrysalis said. Her horn ignited, sending the letter away.

What?

"I'm bored. I rambled about steam customer support, but I'd like to go back to my hive now. Princess Euphoria was ready to unveil her latest painting, and I don't want to miss my daughter's masterpiece. Or broken prisoner, could be either one, honestly." Chrysalis said.

Fine, fine, you did a good enough job I guess, so you can can go.

"You're forgetting my payment, Author." Chrysalis said, fangs glinting.

Fine,let me snap my fingers and-

Reality twisted as a thunderous snap broke throughout the void, but seconds later the abyss returned to same state as it was before.

There, a month's supply of love for all your daughters. Happy now?

"Most certainly," Chrysalis purred.

I sighed, and teleported Chrysalis away.

I turn and look at you. I'm done here, but hope you enjoyed this whatever it is.

Comments

[Wind of the Skies]

*hugs*

[Dustchu]

Hehehe, this was genuinely entertaining to read, and I wish I could say I felt your pain but I don't use Steam... actually.
But I know the pain of customer support being suckish.

*Hugs and waves to Chryssy*