A harsh reunion with Madden NFL 17 · 6:04pm May 7th, 2017
As the loading screen for Madden NFL 17 appears on screen, showing a slideshow of various very enthusiastic-looking American men clad in enough armour to stop a bullet at ten paces, I'm filled with a sense of foreboding for two reasons. One, I've broken my long-standing boycott of EA to get this game, and I'm wondering if I was right to start giving such a despicable company my money again. Two, this is the first time I've played a Madden game since 2009 -- long enough for me to forget approximately everything I know about how American football even works.
That foreboding is lessened slightly after playing the tutorial, and there's even a glimmer of confidence as I choose my teams for my first game (congrats to Los Angeles on finally getting a football team, by the way). After some deliberation, I pick the New Orleans Saints, for no real reason other than I vaguely recall playing as them eight years ago. My opponents shall be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I'm getting pretty pumped by the bombastic music as the players head onto the field. So what if I can hardly recall how this game even works? I have the controls down now! Bring those suckers on! I'm ready!
It isn't until I see the litany of plays available to me -- LP classic, strong tight-end, flip-flop rubber duck, zippity-doo-dah, I Love the '90s -- that I realise I have made a terrible, terrible mistake.
So the Buccaneers kick off, the ball sailing for one of my black-shirted, gold-helmeted Saints. One thing I do know about American football is that the first play is crucial, and determines whether or not you'll be battling uphill from the start. I will not screw this up!
My player catches the ball... and I find myself frantically twiddling the analogue stick as he stumbles drunkenly back towards his own end zone, before breaking into a jog straight into the path of the oncoming Buccaneers sacker. I'm brought down about a nut hair away from my own end zone. Astute football fans will note that this is the precise opposite of where you want to be if you're on the offensive.
"The offense is going to have their work cut out for them here," the commentator blithely notes as I grimly line my team up for the offensive play. Screw it. If I'm going down, I'm going down fighting. One good hike, pass and run is all I need.
"Hike!" The ball is out, and I throw it... and it sails along perpendicular to the line of players, right towards some poor sod caught in the middle of two pissed-off Buccaneers who waste no time in bringing him crashing to the ground. Second down. We have moved approximately two inches forward.
Second down goes a bit better -- I actually throw the ball where it needs to go this time. It's still not enough, as my poor quarterback is once again brought down for an incomplete pass.
Third down, and this time, I'm getting pissed. I'm going to move this bloody ball forward for first down if it bloody well kills half my team in the process.
Once more, the ball is cleared, sailing majestically beneath the spotlights. One of the quarterbacks makes a beautiful catch. Unfortunately, it's not my quarterback.
My defensive line, now under my control rather than the computer's, predictably shatters under my guidance. The Saints run in all directions like insects beneath an upturned rock as the Buccaneers quarterback breaks into an unopposed sprint for the end zone. By some miracle, I actually manage to get enough control over one of my sackers to send him after him, bringing him down about an inch from the end zone. Not good. Definitely not good.
This is it -- I cannot cock up now. As the Buccaneers hike the ball, the Saints -- who by now must surely be getting votes for 'Most Inept Sports Team in the Northern Hemisphere' --surge forward and stop them. We have the ball! I made an interception! My guy has the ball! He's... he's in his own end zone being brought crashing into the grass, isn't he?
Yep. Safety.
At this point, I finally call it quits. When you concede a safety in Madden, you know you're out of your depth. Perhaps I'll come back to it once I've gotten some more practice in, and when I do, I shall respect Madden NFL 17 for the harsh mistress that she is.
