A Review of, " Spike, about your parents..." by Rammy · 8:01pm May 6th, 2017
Here's another review for someone who took a look at a story of mine quite a while back. I had to choose carefully which one I'd do a review of, and this is the story that appealed most to me. This is a review of "Spike, about your parents..." by Rammy. Remember, if you appreciated the effort that went into this review, it would mean a lot to me if you followed!
Description:
Dear Spike,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you the story of your parents. I know that I promised to tell you, tell you but this, I guess, will have to do.
It's not a happy story but you need to know what happened to them.
Tags: Sad, Slice of Life, Tragedy
I was on one of my world spanning travels and I got caught in an unexpected downpour. At the time I was near the base of a mountain so I looked around for a cave in which to dry off and sleep for the night as it was getting late. I did eventually find a cave. As I approached the cave, though, I saw a strange glow coming from deep within.
So the story begins with Twilight coming across a pair of dragons in a cave after being caught in a storm. A bit cliché, but I'll let it pass. The two things that really bother me in this description is the lack of detail leading up to the events of the story, and the fact that dragons have always been written to be territorial, but isolated. Twilight only refers to her adventures as "world spanning travels", but what does that mean? What adventure was she going on? Also, I feel as though dragons are unlikely to form personal bonds with each other, rather the male would just impregnate the female, and the female would care little for her young after the egg hatches, but I digress.
Why they spared me I'm not sure. Not that I'm complaining (burnt fur is no fun), but they wouldn't let me leave either. I don't know how long I was held prisoner in that cave. Weeks. Months, maybe. All I know was that it was sometime before I was able to gain enough of their trust for them to allow me to leave. (Trust me you don't want to know what I had to eat during that time. It still makes be ill to this day.)
No, I don't know why the spared you either, though I'd love to hear some speculation from you, Twilight. I'd also think that Spike is mature enough to handle anything descriptive, so both of us would like to hear what they made you eat. I feel like I'm being blue-balled of details just from the lack of effort put into the letter. Twilight is a stickler for details, she doesn't just focus on the big picture, so why does this letter feel so linear thus far?
They are gems just like any other gems except they seemed to glow with light. That light would reflect off of the facets of the gems creating a kaleidoscope of colors that washed all over the cave. Another unique property was that all the colored light produced would wash out all other color but what was being produced. I think you might find this ironic: It was also always moving, shifting. (You would think with all that moving color that it would make even one such as I nauseous but for reason that I still can't fathom I did not.)
Interesting, this sounds a lot more like Twilight than the previous sections. Despite the shaky sentence structure at the end, her lack of description of a particular color is also forgivable. Because how do you describe the color of something without comparing it to something else? Hell if I know.
Those bucking glowgems!! If I ever see another one it will be too soon.
They are the reason for your parents deaths.
It wasn't until it was too late that I discovered how unstable those gems were.
I... okay. A little out of character for Twilight to swear, but it makes a little sense given the circumstance. Though I feel as if all the wonder and fascination I had from the previous section was gutted by this forced attempt to make me feel... anxious? Curious? I don't know, though it makes me a little miffed.
It was like any other time that I would visit and I made a point to visit often. Always on a dark, cloudy night to conceal my approach. Three years had past from my last visit and I had finally found the one thing in which I hope I could barter for the tiniest sliver of glowgem. A rainbow crystal! I was hoping to be able to study the glowgems. (They never allowed me to use my magic while I was inside the cave.) A long shot I can assure you. Even with a rainbow crystal.
Wait, Twilight visited them... while outside the cave? Isn't she a prisoner? What stopped her from teleporting away the first time? How did they prevent her from using magic? I need details man! 
Even as your father's body went limp your mother never moved. I also pleaded with her to leave but like your father she wouldn't move. I suppose it was to be excepted as the cave was their hoard and a dragon doesn't abandoned their hoard. Even if it would kill them. With softest touch of her claws your mother... Your mother... She clamped my jaw shut! She then gently tilted my head downward. It was then that I noticed your egg. In that moment I knew what was being asked. What was being pleaded. My only reaction was to nod. Your mother's smile at that moment the most bittersweet smile I have ever seen. It still chokes me up.
Well, that is quite sad, but it doesn't excuse the discontinuity of her story. If Twilight had discovered Spike within that cavern, why was he as old as he is now? He basically grew up with her, he even has memories of Twilight from when they grew up. This timeline just doesn't make sense from a chronological perspective. 
It was quite a while before I released my magic and felt it safe enough to look upon once was the home and hoard of your parents. Complete devastation for nearly a mile. The mountain had collapsed leaving only a few scattered glowgems (which I later disposed of) and a smoldering crater.
You know the rest of the story of your egg and how Princess Celestia blah blah blah...
And there you have it Spike. That is the tale of your parents. I so wish it wasn't so tragically sad. I wish it had been different. But most of all, I wish, I wish I could have told yubfbefor it was to lat.
Why did she dispose of the gems, I thought she wanted to study them? I know that the gems are volatile, but certainly she could suppress the effects of it with her magic, right? I just feel like this wouldn't be how Twilight writes a letter. It's not descriptive or punctual, it's just kind of... meh.
Luckily, this story is pretty old, which means that the author has improved since this fic was made. Though I was a little disheartened by the lack of detail. I could almost see Twilight's giddy face when she described the prismatic color that those gems gave off, but then it just kind of went... downhill from there. I'll have to rate this 4/10, simply because I was dissatisfied with the end product. The ending was tragic, but not tragic due to the last scene, but because I didn't feel captivated while reading it.
Until next time! 
Edit: I overlooked the fact that Twilight isn't the narrator, which was my mistake. This makes up for the continuity errors and out-of-character writing style. So, I've updated the rating to a 5/10. 
Okay, its tagged OC not Twilight. And this has clearly colored your review. Here is a vital hint:
It probably didn't help that at the time it was written there was no mystery tag, which I have now added.
Question: Why was Spike's egg used as the entrance exam and who may have given it to the school to be hatched? Could the narrator be the one responsible for the egg to be used as the entrance exam?
4522624
I'm glad you brought this up, I didn't even consider the fact that Twilight wasn't the narrator, it just made sense to me. That clarifies a lot.
Still, I wish you could have provided me with more, because it was interesting to read, but it was also kind of rushed in the process.
4522624
I've adjusted the rating so that it makes up for the explained continuity and the presumed out-of-character moments, I still feel like there is an overall lack of depth that could have been thoroughly explored. Though, this does open my mind up quite a bit.
4522627
Yeah it could use a bit more substance... if I were to write it today I suspect it would be at least another 1k longer...
4522654
I'd devote yourself to new ideas that inspire you. Anything you make will succeed this story, and I'm sure you can make something quite impressive.