Where Did 10 Years Go?

Next month will officially mark my 10th year, ten years trying to make some kind of a dent with my writing.

In those last months of my last high school semester, I began writing down a list of stories I wanted to write, characters I wanted to be in them, one of whom ending up my vampire bat, Jimmy Lee Darrell.

In '09 was when I finally had the confidence enough to start posting stuff I'd written, what I hoped would be my own original project; Jacob the Dark, an action-oriented story about a rat named Jacob Marshall, with the power to control shadows and darkness. The story would have centered around Jacob and his circle of friends, which of course included Jimmy. For two years, I worked hard, both with college and with my story, I made two books-worth of a story, and I seemed to generate some buzz on FurAffinity... I at least had people reading my work, saying good things about, saying I could work for tv. Then in Spring of April 2011, I'd hit my lowest point... My grades were failing because I got myself involved in pointless chat drama. It got bad to the point that I dropped out of college, then I suffered a nervous breakdown in which I took down all of my writing from FA.

After that, I took two years out from education to try to get my life back together... and in those two years, two things happened...

First, I'd joined a different website, SoFurry. I began uploading stuff on there and I'd found a much more receptive audience and I'd stuck there ever since. The second thing was... I started watching a joyous, happy, colorful little cartoon show with characters I found I could relate to in ways I never could with real people... And that was this... My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

I've said before that I actually watched the original cartoon as a kid, and I did, a lot. As a kid, I always loved cartoons that were supposedly girly, but I didn't care because they were good shows. So to see this getting the attention it was getting, all the buzz around it, it just caught my interests. I'll admit, I first started watching chiefly because of Tara Strong. I'd been a big fan of her ever since Powerpuff Girls.

When I started watching, when I got into this, I found myself just getting drawn in, more and more, like a swirling vortex had me and it was sucking me in. I fell in love with the characters, Twilight was instantly one I loved because I just related so much with her, and with Rainbow Dash, and with Applejack, (I really do have the same accent, that much was true in Just Winging It.) Who I didn't expect to relate to the most however was the one character I thought I would hate the most. Now, knowing how much I squee in joy whenever Rarity is on screen vs my first impressions of her, it really says something to the strengths of this series and its fanbase.

Out of the mane six, I related most with her because, Jesus Christ, I did/do have moments like her where I can be selfish, where I can be melodramatic, and of course, because she is the artiste of the group, it's always a thrill to see her at work, to see her apply such focus, such attention to every tiny little detail.

And then there was Starlight Glimmer! I know there are people out there who don't like her, that think she's just a mary sue-ish character and I can definitely see where people are coming from when they say this, however... So much about her character, especially through season 6, whenever we did get some time with her, once I again I found myself looking at a character I related to so much, and on levels I never expected. Moments where we got to see her trying to struggle with her past mistakes, moments where we see her making new mistakes, were moments that hit home hard with me. Episode 21, and that season finale, those really got me because damn it...

I'm a Leo, I was born a Leo, a Leo is supposed to be a natural born leader, and I am really the last person who should ever lead anything. I am the worst, worst procrastinator about anything, even when its something, like writing furry fiction or fanfiction which should just be something I do at my leisure, because hey, I'm in control... but that little guy upstairs in my brain constantly tells me I'm bad, I'm a monster, I waste everyone's time and I deserve to be alone. I am my own worst critic, no matter how good something maybe, I can never convince myself.

I'm rambling here, but I really need to vent.

10 years... 10 years, and these are the thoughts I have on my mind all the time... this is one of those things, I guess, where having actual human friends should help, and I don't have that, not anymore. I have my mom, but she doesn't understand.

For a well, I guess I did have a story I could say is the closest thing to a real hit I'll ever have... Everyone Does It -->https://www.sofurry.com/view/704885 My quirky, erotic, slice-of-life story about people in dysfunctional relationships. Here's where I'd finally hit my stride... where I had something going, where I had a story people actually wanted to read... I didn't get it, but everyone else did so I just kept writing it. Now even that's fallen to the wayside.

It's been two months and I still can't force myself to write... I try, dear god I try. If I do start something, I let myself get distracted and eventually I lose interest no matter how into a story I may have been at the start. I've had these droughts before, but every time it happens I feel like I'm letting people down... Here, I already have 12 followers, on SoFurry, I have almost 200... I must be doing something right if that many people want to see my writing, right? I just don't know what.

Anyway... I'm running out of hot air, so I'll, I'll just step off and... maybe, hopefully I can get something out because, I really do love writing, I do. If I'm not writing, I'm doing nothing, I don't even have a job, I scrounge off of my parents' retirement and I hate myself for it. I've been trying to write a little something about Diamond Tiara, I know that's one character I was real disappointed we didn't get much of in this past season. I am a big, big, DT fan, even before she had her redemption, I was just in love with what an enjoyably bitchy character she was. Now that she's nicer, I can see why there's less need for her to be there, but we still could have used some Deets and Silver.

And I'm still rambling!

I'm just gonna stop here before I can't stop myself. Thank you, whoever reads... and thank you everyone that's been reading, even the people who downvote; it's all good! x3

Auf wiedersehen!

Comments

[He23t]

Keep moving on.