How to Attain the Coveted Featurebox · 6:29pm Mar 13th, 2017
As someone who's been around this site for a long time, I feel like I know better than most how one can attain featurebox status. Once you know all the tricks of making it in there, the rest is a cinch!
What's that, you say? None of my stories have ever made it to the featurebox? Don't let that pesky detail get you down! I give you my Scootareader Promise™ that you will make the featurebox, guaranteed, if you follow these instructions to the letter!
Did we meet clickbait criteria? Let's see here... catchy title, picture of Princess Celestia and oblong object being inserted into hole... yeah, that's about as clickbait as I can make it.
1. If possible, make your story a clopfic.
Picture unrelated, you sick fucks.
Clopfics are the height of writing prowess. If you can write clopfic well, you're all set.
2. Make it Sweetie Belle being adorable.
Sweetie Belle, as one of the least developed characters in the show, is one of the best choices for fanon character development. She's young and innocent and her view of the world is an excellent foil. She's a staple of competent authors everywhere.
3. Have a scene with Sweetie Belle getting railed.
Despite the aforementioned, it just feels... right, somehow, to make sure Sweetie Belle gets a dong shoved in her. Plus, knighty will read it.
4. Make it something to do with Princess Celestia.
Princess Celestia, the legit ruler of Equestria, is very enigmatic within the show itself. We barely see her, yet she's supposed to be in charge of everything. There's so much background that we could develop for her. She's a gold mine of story ideas.
5. Put Princess Celestia in bondage.
It's a common feeling in the fandom that tying down a figure of power will fulfill some kind of power fantasy. Put this in there to ensure your readers get a chance to explore this facet of themselves.
6. Include Princess Luna.
Ever a fan favorite, Luna receives great attention constantly. She initially started out with very little character, but has slowly become more developed over time, and bronies have taken her to the moon (pun intended) in overall creativity.
7. Ensure that Princess Luna gets banged.
Princess Luna also happens to be sexy af, so giving her a dicking is even better.
8. Include something involving interaction between Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
The dynamic between Princess Celestia and Princess Luna is incredibly dynamic. Entire universes have been written around the struggle to be somepony on Luna's side, and allowing a sister to be somepony on Celestia's side. Anything that has these two interacting is going to be wildly popular.
9. Include something involving intimate interaction between Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
Toss that sister-ruler relationship out the window, the fandom likes incest even more. This is a general rule for any incestuous relationship.
10. No featurebox story can go wrong if you include Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle, being the most main character of the show, has no lack of stories written about her. Despite this, the fandom loves reading about her and exploring the mind of our favorite student.
11. Make sure Twilight visits the Apple Family "Reunion."
Each additional horse dick placed within Twilight will exponentially increase her chances of being featureboxed.
12. Make sure you include a popular crossover character.
While this is a hit-and-miss depending on the crossed over franchise and character, if you make a good, well-known choice, it can be the make or break on a featurebox.
13. Write extensively the sex scene between a crossover character and one of the ponies.
No one likes a crossed over character that doesn't get laid. Make sure you're not one of those chump authors.
14. Include compelling OCs and well-written dialogue.
OCs are likewise a hit-and-miss, but are something of the pinnacle of creative writing. If you can write a story with an OC in it and get it to the featurebox, you are definitely deserving of the title.
15. Gangbang/harem your OC with every other character in the show.
While trying to make a compelling character is the mark of a good writer and all, it's much simpler to give an OC as much canon penis/vagina as possible. Everyone wants to read about a stallion gangbang or a gaggle of Mane 6 p00n. Write the porn well enough and you're certain to make it up there with even the most elite of clopfics stories.
Did you get all that? Make sure you incorporate every single bullet point into your story, otherwise you'll never make it up there like yours truly hasn't. 
I have Sweetie Belle as a hero in my story. (not THE hero, but one of her friends) It has no sex scenes... how likely is Knighty going to read it?
*takes sip of drink for spittake purposes*
4454464
That's a 0 in 10 chance.
So if I write a self-insert OC story where my character is having sex with the main cast, Sweetie Belle, Princess Celestia, Worst Princess, and Mabel Pines, all on Applejack's farm, it's guaranteed that Based Daddy knighty will read it?
4454565
If it includes Sweetie Belle bangin's, that's all he requires.
4454573
Because you will never attain featurebox?
4454576 Perfect.
pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/561740206848483331/J1ORcw2q.jpeg
I made it to the featurebox by riding off somebody else's popularity!
Not sure if I should be proud of that
Uh... *stashes notes of her eating a bowl of cereal*
4454590
What's with you and Pacifica all of a sudden?
4454600
That's not one of my criteria, so your featureboxing is invalid.
So what you're saying is... if all the characters were replaced with ponies in this specific example... something like this would be featured?
4454743 What's not to love?
pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/619515287403130881/3cNgFuYE.jpg
4454879
I'm not into blondes or underage girls.
4454886 Said the guy who wants to bang Sweetie Belle.
i.ytimg.com/vi/b1jtAjsuRYw/maxresdefault.jpg
4454906
Contrary to popular belief, I am not knighty.
so basically a one thousand-some between the entire apple family, all the princesses, the cmc, sonichu, the mane six, the edgy alicorn ocs, and every other character in the show. do i have that right?
pretty accurate
4556248
The day I see that in the featurebox, I will legit kill myself.
4556362 suicide is not enough. i'll go get the nuclear weapons and acid.
What about Twilight getting it on with a list?