• Member Since 6th Aug, 2016
  • offline last seen Jun 26th, 2023

DeshLune


I'm a simple person who dislikes very little and hates even less; I like (or even love) a few things: reading, gaming, Pinkie Pie, and writing; I even take story requests~!

More Blog Posts66

  • 253 weeks
    I'm Still Alive and Kicking

    Don't let the title fool you, this is very much an "I'm not dead" post. As I've realized that I haven't been the most active (nearly inactive) for the past... year? and seeing as I have continued work on a story, I thought I'd make myself known again. I am hoping that the story will be finished by the end of the week, but there is no guarantee.

    Read More

    3 comments · 236 views
  • 316 weeks
    A Much Needed Update

    I know I haven't really done anything in several months, and with my new living arrangements it makes it rather difficult to write at night... or any other time after seven in the afternoon. I'm aware that it is also the third month into the new year; which if I was following my original intention that means that I should be doing a story a month (one-shots mostly) or making some headway on the

    Read More

    3 comments · 323 views
  • 326 weeks
    Tragic News to the Readers

    I thought I would inform the people who are waiting for more chapters of Dark Ponies: The Rising about a recent change.

    The story is now canceled.

    Read More

    0 comments · 393 views
  • 327 weeks
    I'm Ecstatic!!!!

    Making Friends with Statues now has a reading on YouTube by Robipony (the amazing)!

    It can be found here!

    That is about all I have for this,
    super ecstatic me signing off!
    ~Desh

    0 comments · 328 views
  • 328 weeks
    Possible New Clop

    I was wondering, if I made a new clop (non-request) would anyone read it? I suspect it would have near as good quality as the other, if not better, and the um... sexy... stuff won't be changed out of my wording. Um... I'm not sure what else to say.

    Until next time, I guess?
    ~Desh

    4 comments · 354 views
Mar
8th
2017

Desh Reviews 3 · 5:51am Mar 8th, 2017


Derpy’s Got it in the Bag
By: Wand3r3r3
Derpy's got it made this year, and she feels good. She's not-quite-Hell-bent-but-pretty-darn-determined to be the scariest whatever the heck she is, in all of modern Nightmare Night history.
Spoilers: Moderate to Major-General

A Quote from the Author:
A somewhat short and definitely silly story that stars Derpy; lovable little pone, she is. She makes way for Nightmare Night, and she seems to do so with a mighty resolve in her head—to get ALL the candy!

Characters:
In the story there wasn’t any OCs, which makes it slightly easier on me… since it is basically just: in character, yes, no, check. Okay, it won’t be something like that, but it will be kinda the same. I might be digging a hole with this one… paragraph.

To kick things off I’ll start with a list of, most, the characters; Derpy(Given), Rarity, Applejack, Twilight. I think that will do for the small listicle. Now some characters, like Fluttershy, appear, but in words only(Not in that sense. A note.).

Derpy, being the main focus of this story, did many things one would expect; candy getting, derping, long… long periods of ‘deep thinking’. She had the best costume, and honestly it is better than the costumes that I come up with… %&@#. Another thing was Derpynapping, it is like kidnapping, but with Derpy. I noticed a lack of a singular pony, whom is named Dinky, but that is for later.

Applejack… I didn’t make enough notes on her. By what I did make note of… alright, guess I forgot to make notes on her entirely, so I’ll come back to her. Edit: Yes. Applejack does indeed act, and talk, like Applejack… by what I can tell, if you think otherwise, for any character, feel free to brush me off… or whatever a useless item gets. *Sniff* I also found that I made a second page of notes… for whatever reason, and forgot about them.

Rarity. Where to begin, I suppose that I should start with her speech; she was nice in a subtly rude way, just like Rarity often is in the show, though simply listening to her tone will say it all. But I did find the statement of “Rarity uses every room as a sewing room” to be a little inaccurate, as we never really see her use the Kitchen and Sweetie Belle’s room for sewing. Next up is her behavior; it match… for the most part, “stuck up”, but those aren’t much of my thoughts. It is something I’ve heard people use to describe her. Something that I found was her “making a skimpy outfit”? I just… I… um? R.I.P.

Twilight is the last of the spoil characters. Spoil being characters I will spoil in here. She was her usual book-horse self. I did have to update my headcanon, because Twilight reads Fanfiction… apparently. I bet it is about these mythical creatures called Humans. And to quote a direct line in my notes: “Twilight giving four pieces of candy, but the OCD thing to do would be 1-3, small and ‘even’ distribution. One is probably the best choice, unless you are Pinkie Pie, in which case it is one bowl.” Her speech, and behaviors were pretty accurate. There was one line I didn’t have too much ‘faith’ toward, but I’ll cover that in the story rundown.

Now there were a few characters, who didn’t have a direct appearance. Fluttershy left a note, and a basket of candy for the monsters… I mean children. Now other than the note and basket themselves, it would be a Fluttershy move to do. Alright… this paragraph was for Fluttershy.

There were background characters galore. By what I can recall, since I certainly won’t mark all of them down, nearly everypony in Ponyville was in this story… oh, and Spike… I guess. Now I don’t know about you, but when there are that many characters it runs the risk of making some, or all, of them Out-of-Character. Going over each, and every character will take all week. So I’m just going to say this: don’t trust orange cockatrice fillies, because they may be a cockatrice disguising as an orange filly.

Story:
Derpy gets all the candy, and more? While this could be simple to answer, I find that a lens might be needed. Now before that I have some other things to go over, like the “summary.”

Derpy is at Rarity’s to get a costume for Nightmare Night, after procuring the costume she travels about Ponyville where she gets all the candy from the kind citizens she starts to take random things. Obviously annoyed they chase her, Rarity accidently gets caught up in it, and basically that's the end. Quick sum…

While I do have some jokes written, I also have things I want to talk about. Jokes will be spread out through this part, so brace yourself for my good humor. The things I wanted to talk about were; techniques, spacing, ships, flow of immersion, and aliens.

I’m going to open right up into spacing. By this I mean paragraph spacing. In the story there were, possibly still are depends on when you read this, multiple spaces between a paragraph. Simple in understanding, and execution, but it can lead to drastic results for the reader. For me it breaks immersion, and often puts me on a thinking path for several minutes to figure out why it is there.

That goes hand in hoof with the next topic… ships. With ships it affects how well the reader can get invested into the story, and there are several things that can break the ship; off putting word choice, out of character moments, strange paragraph spacing… and so much more. One way to fix the ones in this are, depending on what it is, asking yourself, “does this fit here?” If it doesn’t seem like it fits there, good chances are, it doesn’t.
Now with flow of Immersion this is putting two, or more, characters together. In this fic… I didn’t really feel the need to do this, or at least I didn’t want too. It just didn’t carry the air for it, whatever that means. I can’t suggest a means to fix it… so…

On to the next. Aliens, and techniques. Within the story there is this line, “no lights were on at all except the streetlights above the town” I don’t know about you, but lights shouldn’t be above the town. There is really one technique in ‘ze’ story that I wanted to cover, it was when the narrator told us to search up a YouTube video… I am sure that this breaks the ship for many of us. Sure it could be going to the humor, but it comes off as lazy, or simply ill-thought.

Story Part 2:
With the main topics covered I’ll move onto the parts of the story. At the beginning there is one simple line, which is certainly attention grabbing; murderous psychopathic schizophrenic bipolar, hyperactive attention-deficit guy with a polka-dot football mask. It grabs the attention by throwing out many terms, which many of which cross with each other, causing this to seem like they were chosen at random. What is a football mask? One second…

I found this:
The part before that was something about a recluse, which is basically someone who is far more solitary of a person/pony/character. I am sure that is hard to pull off as a Hallo--Nightmare Night costume.

I realize I can’t comb the whole story with a fine comb, so I will jump to certain parts.

Pinkie Pie, last year, had too much candy, and was sick. But this raises a level of questioning, mainly. Who is drugging the children’s candy? Several, I think it was, paragraphs later there was a mention of a right leg, but it was never specified which leg… fore, or hind.

“Nightmare Night! What a Fright! Give us something sweet to bite!” All I have is honey will that work? No? Alright…

“Undead, brain-munching biped.” Just no. There isn’t anything wrong with this line, but it is the spawn of Tartarus. Oh right, this also seems shaky in terms of things Twilight would say, terminology used. Yes. But putting them into the same sentence… seems unlikely to me.

I noticed the use of “Hand” throughout the story, I’m absolutely sure that it doesn’t belong there. The only stories that should have the word “hand” is something marked Equestria Girls, unless it is giving something to someone, but even then I think a different word will be better.

Derpy after visiting Fluttershy’s house, and reading a note, she stands around thinking. And boy does she think, two-plus hours of simply thinking. And what does she think about? How much of Fluttershy’s candy to take. After she decides she leaves, but in the process Fluttershy peaks, and naturally mistakens Derpy for a monster and becomes scared.

Jumping to a different point, Scootaloo lays an egg, since she is a chicken. She isn’t actually a chicken, to my chagrin, and I don’t think she actually laid the egg either, again to my chagrin.

Um… wow that word count. Two things, since I shouldn’t make the review longer than the story, or half the length. Firstly: Derpmob confirmed, but having the ponies running around with torches would be… out of setting? terminology aside, the ponies are too environmentally conscious to use torches in such a dangerous way. Not wanting to start a wildfire, or the like. Secondly: the story idea. It comes off as simple, yet for-the-most-part original, it could have been done better, but really anything could be done better. The ships… er, flow of Immersion was broken, which unless it is done well can drag down a stories, this ended up being taken down a level with the breaks. Simple fix, use lanterns, or the like instead of torches; or since it is a comedy, use a jack-o-lantern.

Conclusion:
This was indeed a comedy, I didn’t find a particular line that broke me. But what can we draw from this story… well, we can learn that comedy varies from person to person, and you can’t please everyone with a single piece of work. Inside the story we can learn that you shouldn’t jump to conclusions when angry… you may make the wrong decision because of it R.I.P. Rarity.

Thanks for reading, check out the work [Here].
Vote for the next Fic in the comments, or by dropping me a PM.
Edit: Here is the Master List, which also doubles as the rules.
-Desh

Report DeshLune · 319 views · #Desh Reviews
Comments ( 3 )

So, by 'ships'... You mean, like, shipping ships? Or what? :b

4447950 In the start yes, though during the topic I switch Ships and Flow of Immersion, so just mentally switch those two. I found it humorous to do, and might have decided to keep it.

And yes?

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