Chapter 7 has been rewritten! (Finally) · 9:09pm Mar 3rd, 2017
This one gave me a lot of trouble, as every little word seemed to resist me on its way out. Other times my motivation was at an all time low. I already stated it in the author's note, but I'll say it again here. The amount of attention these rewrites are getting is very little. There's nothing more discouraging than spending a month working on a chapter, posting it, and then getting maybe a single comment. I don't get it, as every time I used to post a chapter, I'd get six or seven in the first night alone. I wonder if it's because I'm rewriting and not adding new content.
Anyway, whining aside, lets get on to what you came here for.
The change list from the original chapter:
-Improved the descriptions used in the chapter. Referring to the Cakes as the "yellow stallion" and the "blue mare" was about as lazy as could be.
-The biggest change I made is the complete removal of every single time Seth danced. That includes any silliness he may have had with Applejack, Dash, Pinkie, Lyra, and Flitter. This allowed the chapter to mesh well with the previous rewrites, as well as fit Seth's character. It never made sense to me that he hated everyone, but dancing with them was okay. Instead, Seth remained in the back hallway for most of the time, as he had no incentive to join in the party.
-Rather than Seth and Lyra dancing first thing, I added a scene where Lyra seeks him out and asks him to dance. Seth is of course as opposed to this as you would think. This allowed me to advance the Lyra flirt subplot in a more natural way. Funny thing, I nearly had Lyra call Bon Bon "Sweet Flanks" instead of Bonnie. I think I was sugar high when I thought that.
-Because I've been trying to include Flitter more in the story so I don't forget her, I wrote in a scene to follow up on the subplot I've created. The part that i'm trying to show is that despite Seth's cynicism, his reasoning for being rude to ponies should be solid. In the original, it was more like he was rude just for the sake of it. So when he rebuffs Flitter, it's cruel, but you can somewhat see his reasoning. Something else people pointed out is that the ponies pretty much took his rudeness without a word, so I've been having them try to react more realistically to him. In other words, in Flitter's case, if you were in her shoes and somebody was telling you you had no right to be upset, I'd imagine that'd only make you more upset.
-I adjusted the meeting between Seth and Dash. Instead of Rainbow just saying two lines before Twilight takes her away, she refused to listen to Seth's reasons, instead focusing on the fact that her friends were being hurt and that Seth not only didn't care, but believed he was in the right. To someone as loyal as her, that would infuriate her. Thus, this is what triggered Rainbow to threaten Seth with physical violence. At that point, Twilight was there to take her away.
-I added a whole new scene between Twilight and Dash. It was a huge cop out in the original that their talk happened off screen, so readers would have been confused when Dash came back not wanting to kill him. So I switched perspectives. Shocking, right? Usually this is Seth's story, but as a commenter once mentioned, a lot goes on offscreen that readers might want to see. So I may be adding more scenes from different perspectives later.
-Derpy's meeting with Seth has been revamped. I just...I can't believe the me that wrote this story forever ago. "I won't be like other stories! No fanon!" Yet not only did I lead Lyra with the human obsession, I also had Derpy's initial meeting open with the fandom attributed muffin obsession. ADDITIONALLY, I even subscribed to the whole Dinky is Derpy's daughter thing. The hell was wrong with me? So I adjusted the scene to show Seth's interest in music, as well as his ability to have a simple conversation with a pony without snapping at them. That way, Derpy managed to directly tie Rainbow back into the scene by showing her a contrasting view of Seth.
-The Rainbow dance scene. Thanks to the Derpy scene, I was able to get the two of them into a conversation that gradually led to the dance, rather than it just coming out of nowhere. I wanted it to seem as though Seth was so strongly reminded of Amaryllis that he was drawn into a dance as though he were in a trance. Then, once he realized what he was doing, he left, and his frustration at giving in like that was taken out on Rainbow.
-The Rarity scene was adjusted to be more natural. Rarity noticed how cold Seth was, and tried to help in her own way, only to get insulted. This allows me to keep the outcome where Rarity is negatively predisposed towards Seth in the future.
--I fleshed out the argument between Vinyl, Twilight, and Seth to be much more believable. Applejack was no longer involved, and Vinyl was the one who came up with the idea in the first place. Also, the rent was adjusted to weekly instead of daily. It would have been monthly, but Vinyl knows Seth is leaving soon now. Naturally this'll create some future inconsistencies, but they should be mostly ignorable until I get around to fixing them.
--the last most simple change is that I changed the title of the chapter. "Never a Tool to be Used?" Whose idea was that? Oh right, mine. 
Seriously, I'm surprised nobody called me out on such a stupid chapter title.
That's about all I have to say about this one. Just gotta hit the first chapter now, and then I'll be done with the first arc. Please do me a favor and read and comment on the rewritten chapter. Even the smallest bit helps.
well as i have been saying before: I was planing on rereading this, but then you started rewriteing, and that kinda took a damper on my plans.
4442849
Why does rewriting prevent you from reading my updates? The first arc is mostly done and should allow mostly seamless transitions into the next arcs.
If I may say this, don't be discouraged please!
I mean, yeah I probably should check the re-writes (and some r&r for Wilting flower),
But one thing I would like you to know : this fic is my very first favourite on Fimfic, and my first mlp related favourite on Fanfiction.
In fact, giving this a thumbs up (and a review since it seemed you were much more active here than in Fanfiction) was the one reason I even made this account.
Hope that helped, and I'll take a look (and review) when I get the time, hopefully this weekend!
4442862 I just don't really like the feelin' about it, you know.I don't really know why, but the thought about doing that just irks me for some reason. Kinda hard to put into words.
4442924
I'm confused. You don't like the fact that I'm going back, fixing my mistakes, and overall making the story better?
4442925 hmm, okay let me try this: So as may have figured out i have through the whole story before and want's to reread it.The thing now is, that since you are rewriteing it, i now have to get used to the new quality. And i like to binge- read and since the rewrite is incomplete i can't do that since at some point it would just change in quality, and my mind can't really handle that without being really nitpicky, and would kinda ruin my enjoyment of the story.
I hope this clears thing's up about, cause' honestly i don't really know what else to say about.
4442933
I get it now. The first arc is complete however, so at the very least you can read that without problems. Unfortunately, I won't be finished rewriting the entire story for ages.
Thanks for the rewriting you've done - I was just starting to reread, and this is a lot better than it was! The difference is massive!
Huh, you know now that you mention it I had forgotten completely about how Derpy was introduced before hand as well as the fact that Seth seemed to get no rebuttal at all from the ponies, like he would shit down someones throat and they would kindly ask for more. Rainbow getting in his face and about to clock him a good one was honestly a surprise but on the flip side, it did seem like the ponies were crazy friendly. Like I can understand him, the way he deals with people is pretty short, clipped and.. well its not rude its just brief and business-like. Kind of like if I was trying to talk to a new coworker but was answered in one word clipped responses. I'd think, "Well, they aren't really rude but they aren't friendly either." and I'd leave them alone as they seem to be the type of person that keeps work and friends separate. I think whats truly jarring for Seth is that it seems ponies don't think like that or at least it takes them longer to be discouraged.
Please don't be upset by this, but are you going to edit, if not rewrite later chapters as well? The reason I ask is that as a new reader who has binged on the first few chapters, they were excellent, but when I got to Chapter Eleven: Loyalty there was a reference to Twilight forcing a healing spell on him which completely threw me off. Having checked the Blog I now know that it was a reference to the original version, but it still creates a significant amount of dissonance which kills my drive to read the story.
4470465
Why would I be upset? You pointed out a valid inconsistency, and I was aware that there might be some that I missed.
To answer your question, I do plan to rewrite the others, but for now, I need to finish Wilting Flower. Let me know if you find any other inconsistencies.
Alright, I started reading through this story and I must ask: should I read chapter 8, because it is not rewritten?
Also, I found an inconsistency. In chapter 8, Seth (to us) says "I probably shouldn't have stayed up so late writing that fucking journal, but it feels really good to have all this crazy shit on paper. If anything, it'll make for one crazy story if I ever wake up from this nightmare." and "As for the journal...what do I do with this? Ah, fuck it. I'll just stash it in the drawer. If she looks at it, no big deal. There will just be one less pony in the world." but you decided that you won't use the journal idea and removed it from the rewrites. As such, the random journal appearing out of nowhere is inconsistent. Along with that, Seth never mentioned, until that point, that he would just casually kill a pony for looking at anything he has, but this comment of his implies that he would.
Third edit, but I've got the answer to my original question. Chapter 8 is shite, and also contains some inconsistencies, including the number of bits he has going from 6 to 1. I don't remember him spending any yet. As such I can't read chapter 8 now.
4506712 Basically, you're far better at writing now than you were. It's somehow easier to empathize with and like your rewritten character because, while he's a douche, you original Seth was a sociopath.
Btw, seems when I read I don't really pay attention to chapter titles or numbers, and 'accidentally' went into chapter 8.
Not for long though. I have to admit, the difference between your current style and your previous ones shows. It was weird at first, feeling something was changed with the text but being unable to figure out what. Well, until he mentioned writing in his journal, which I remembered was something he did before the rewrite.
But hey, I fully agree, Wilting Flower takes priority.
I have to say mate, this story took some pushing from the community who followed it. Glad I kept reading, it's been brilliant, and you created a fantastic world. Cheers, and hope to see your work grace the site again soon!
4685505
Does Seth stop being so abrasive/asinine at some point? It's like reading a story that hates you. But it's so interesting at the same time. I'd wait for rewrites (I like rewritten Seth a lot more) but it sounds like they won't be here for a long time.
4706601
Keep going, part of the character development is establishing the baseline. There's probably a reason he's like this, but it'll take some work from his new friends to lance the boil. I was annoyed by him at first, but this turned out to be one of my favorite stories!
4706601
4706642
Believe me, I'm excited to get to these rewrites. My focus is currently on a Wilting Flower; once that's finished, I plan to focus on the main story exclusively.
If you'd like to keep more in touch with where the story is currently, you can always join our discord group! The link is in another blog post