Desh Reviews 1 · 8:18am Feb 22nd, 2017
A Lovely Mare
By: Saberking2012
“May is hiding a secret. If it becomes known, she may as well disappear.”
Spoilers: Minor, maybe moderate.
A Quote from the Author: “It's not the looks/gender that matters, it's the actions you do that define you.”
Characters: There are four characters, five if you count a certain something, that we, the readers, get to meet. The main character, May, who has a bit of an eccentric side when it comes to food, though, for a good reason. Shar, the “proper” side-kick, she is considered an Aristapony, or high class snob… er rich, in her mannerisms… or so we are told. I was much to fixated on the lovey air between May, and Shar. The next character is Amber, she is the perky one(whatever that means), she is considered a “great cook” especially if you want sick leave. Finally we have Aqua… she is a bit of a pessimist, shy, but she did bring that negative air to many of the conversations within the story. Sadly if you want more of a name there isn’t any… or I accidentally skipped it?
Now that we have the small character summary out of the way, let us talk about their behavior. While I do believe that the characters were done well, not the best, certainly there was/is room for improvement. I found that the word “said” was said to much, get it? Whoops… the concept, while not overly original, for the characters was, for the most part, done to a good degree. Right around the area of first story character behavior(if not for that damned love tension).
A question I found myself asking, other than when May and Shar get together, was “Would I eat Amber’s food?” and surprisingly… why not? Sure it left a pony unconscious, and there could possibly been a hospital visit, but it couldn’t hurt, very much, to try it once. Amber, and Aqua, are adequate romance blockers. :# Er… at some parts I found that I would become bored with the reading, but I think that mainly had to do with the pace I was reading, the only thing keeping me going was the damned love tension(hint: if you haven’t pieced it together yet; I ship May and Shar).
Story: This is a big one… let’s see. May is staying at an “all mare school”, which is important for the secret, during which she finds out she has cooking duty with her friend Shar. During which, we learn about two of Shar’s friends Amber, and Aqua, we also get the first taste of Amber’s ‘wonderful’ cooking(hint: not good). At the school if you have cooking duty you must collect food, and prepare it for the student body… however big it is. Shar, being a good friend(ship interest), turns off an alarm clock opting to collect the food without the help of May, which ends up being a bad idea… things happen, and they end up in a hot springs together. I almost forgot to mention that May is injured. Inside the ship, almost floats, but Amber and Aqua interrupt the, soon to be couple(sadly not). Back at the school May, and Shar, cook the food, and May is a culinary Goddess…
It seems pretty simple at first look, but when you think about it you might think: “I would hate to go to that school.” And you would be right, since not doing cooking duty can be grounds for removal. Other than that, it seems like a normal school that accepts anypony.
The story idea… normal enough, until you get under it, and notice a lot of ‘tension’(mainly love tension). The secret I managed to discover before I read, lucky guess, though to give some credit. I don’t believe that the secret should be extremely hidden, and if it was then a small subtle mention, or slip of the tongue would be the way it is revealed. Giving the reader the ‘wait… is that…’ moment.
Like the characters, the story has room for improvement, through some detail, and execution. At times it felt rather bland, and far too normal. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being normal, but when it is combined with a tad generic concepts; it causes a decline of quality. The easy remedy is adding some details, and making something unique up about anything. I know, I know. Easier said than done. But that is where practice comes in; with more writing comes the better ability… nay, aptitude to add details, and with more details comes the chance to create that special unique thing.
Conclusion: The most important thing isn’t what is on the outside. It is the behavior, respect, and kindness we show. It is the things we do. The things we say. And most importantly: the ones we cherish, love, and adore. ‘One step at a time, mile by mile, we share, submit, and love.’
Thanks for reading, check out the work [Here].
Vote for the next Fic in the comments, or by dropping me a PM.
Edit: Here is the Master List, which doubles as the rules.
-Desh
A)Love the fact that you tried do ship them together(XD). B)Yea, I'll admit it is flawed a great deal. This was my first story after all and back when I didn't have an editor so I knew it wouldn't be pretty. C)I left some details out because I was planing in a prequel(although, not confirmed). Of course, that's no excuse for the mistakes. Lastly, a nice review overall. Hopefully, my other stories will do better.
4432276 I'm sure they will!
4432370 Well, I await for the next review. Also, the more groups you join, the more likely your reviews will be seen. Just food for thought.