Midnight Review: Blacklight · 12:14pm Feb 5th, 2017
A Midnight Review
Hello from your neighborhood MidnightChaos, reviewing another Displaced story for shits and giggles, as well the benefit of the author if I can manage it. There will be jokes, possibly memes, and some spelling and grammar corrections. Opinions and wording may be seen as offensive but I will try to tone down the level of bitter asshole I usually put into things.
Blacklight by Black Jack
Reading through the comments has given me next to no details on this fic. Its primarily an argument between Hamster_Master and some other chucklefuck. Ah, well. Point is, I have no idea how bad this fic could be, aside from what I inferred on my own. I would link it, but since its mature content… Sex and Gore tags, oh dear.
This was very exciting day. Why? Well, Comic Con was in my city and I planned to go as Alex Mercer.
The costume was pretty simple since Alex's never worn really flashy clothes. However, I couldn't find a perfect replica of his jacket, so mine didn't have his symbol on my back. I hoped i would find it at the Con.
I did found it and the one selling it was the merchant from Resident Evil 4. He said he wanted to strike a deal. I give him 20$ and he gives me the Blacklight.
...I’m astounded by the extreme lack of description actually made here. The entire content of the chapter is basically a horribly written prologue. And it proceeds to introduce the fact that this character has become Alex Mercer, still can’t remember what fandom that is, and this is because he bought something from the merchant from resident evil 4. Apparently he needs to specify instead of being another generic jackalope. Kudos for that, I suppose. Anyways, this description needs a whole lot of work and you could easily introduce the content in it as its own chapter or prologue.
As it is, it just seems lazy.
Warning: OOC Merchant
I beg your pardon? The Merchant is far from a well established persona in Displaced, so the likelihood of you getting him OOC are unlikely. However…
This is just another displaced story made because I saw lack of it. This is a story about displaced Alex Mercer.
This is just another review I made because I saw a lack of entertainment. And, again, there’s lazy and then there is becoming a literal couch potato. Seriously, if you want people to like something put some bloody effort into it. Also, once again I believe that this is just a terrible description, it’s just bland. I can tell this is going to be another fic where my review and commentary outweigh the story in word count.
The Virus · 4th Feb 2017. 1,361
Chapter name seems pretty alright, I suppose. And this is a more recent fic. (Sorry to those of you who scheduled a review, I tend to either do them on the fly or after musing about it.) As for the word count… I’m not sure I need to say anything, I’m just used to fics with 2,000 words a chapter or more.
Author's Note:
Sorry if the pacing is a bit to fast. I hope you enjoy! Leave a comment if you do.
You mean too? Also, the author’s note should probably be at the bottom of the chapter as this only serves to worry me about the future of this fic and the content within. I hope you’re just over exaggerating.
"You want to give me what?" i asked, making the merchant smirk.
"You heard me. In exchange of 20$ i will give you the powers of Blacklight." i raised and eye brow at him, obviously not believing.
"Yeah, right and my dad is the Lich King." i said making him chuckle.
*grammar alarm explodes* Fuck, here I thought I was safe to dismantle that after TND. As this alarm tells you, the grammar here is broken. It’s not the most atrocious, if you want to see that review, or at least something worse than this, comment/reply with: LET’S DO SOME SPEED. However, kudos for the intro because it definitely serves as an attention getter.
Also, can we discuss why a being that equates to a god is selling this dweeby kid “Blacklight”? I have no idea what Blacklight is, but it’s either worth more than this and worth a scene where the kid actually haggles or some other crap, or the Merchant just giving it to him.
You need to work on your capitalization, because I needs to be capitalized. And you should definitely get an editor. Or twelve. As for the retort, that’s moderately clever and the Merchant’s reaction makes sense to me.
"I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true." he said. I thought a bit and sighed. What do I have to lose? Twenty dolars isn't much, considering my normal payment. I decided to play along.
"Ok, what's the catch? You surely wouldn't give me the powers of bio-weapon which could destroy whole world in exchange of simple 20$." i stated and he smirked again.
"You are smart, i'll give you that. When i give you Blacklight, i will send you to Equestria." he answered. I raised an eyebrow again. This is starting to get wierder and wierder with every passing second. While creation of something as Blacklight wasn't all that scientific nowdays, saying that you can send someone to a cartoon show was purely insane. Plus, even if Blacklight replica was made, how the hell does this guy has access to the country's top secret?
No seriously, this is like going: “Hey, I banged that chick walking by the window right now. I don’t have any proof but it’s totally true.” Except, the chick is a 400 pound black man who can benchpress five of me. Suffice to say, this whole bit should be rewritten or revised. And, no, twenty bucks isn’t much except it could be used to buy some tylenol for the headache this is giving me.
Kudos for the Merchant being shady, I’ll give you that. However.
I actually had to use this gif twice because the next paragraph just made me question if it’s ethical to eat Mormons and I’m not even playing Takeshi’s Challenge. Nor is it even on topic. This scene is like your landlord coming to your funeral and going, “By the way, you still need to pay rent.” It just doesn’t make any sense. And, you’re not questioning the fact you can get powers, instead you’re writing it off as “That isn’t possible” yet you continue to ponder the bloody possibilities of getting sent to cartoon world!? ...Top secret what? I think you cut off here, and you’re acting like Blacklight is possible now, what even.
Let’s move on before I die of an existential crisis.
Also, i wasn't a brony, but i did found a show pretty decent, nice animation, nice story, but i hated the resent episodes. Why, well i just hate when main characters got a baby, all evil is redeemed and good now and they live happyly ever after. That's just disgusting.
One part of me was shouting that i should tell him he's mental and go away, but then, another part was telling me that i should take the chance. If the merchant was speaking the truth, i could possibly become the most powerful being ever to exist! I started to weight my options. First option, he gives me Blacklight and sends me in Equestia. Second, he gives me Blacklight and DOESN'T send me in Equestria, making government want to impale me on a broomstick and third i give him money and he trolls me.
…
…
…
...What. No seriously, what the actual hell. You aren’t a brony, but you enjoy the show? You do realize that despite these feelings you can still be considered a brony? Furthermore, why are you even contemplating this? I’d call the Merchant crazy and then walk off. I may be insane, ladies and gents, but I am not a Helen Keller. Also, how is someone having a child disgusting, it’s basic biology! Also, all evil isn’t redeemed and I hope to gods they pull in some kickass new villain. Happily ever afters are desired by people in a story, that’s why they’re the most common thing done.
YES. THAT PART IS THE PART YOU SHOULD BE LISTENING TO. FEAR, PLEASE GET ANGER AND START DEFCON 1. In all seriousness, you do have a good point here, except the parts that would take the primary spot in my brain aren’t the ones thinking he could be telling the truth. I’d rather NOT get locked up in a mental ward. “Most powerful being to ever exist.”
Yeah… In all reality, it’d probably be the third one. But, yeah, you should listen to the crazy man because I mean, who knows? Maybe he’s being truthful!
Even though third sounded like the most realistic, i decided to accept and see what will happen.
"Fine. I'll take the chance."i finally exclaimed. He grinned
"But..." his grin never faded. He just raised and eyebrow.
"If i can, i would want to make some requests about my powers." i said. If he could give me Blacklight, he could do what i wanted from him.
"What would those be?" he asked, curious.
A moment of sanity! A brief, beautiful, delicious moment of sanity! Except then he decides to listen to this nutjob and go through with it. Ah well, I suppose it’s for the plotline so I can’t complain too much. Except I can.
Also, can you please please please get an editor? This is moderately okay, but only because I’ve seen much worse. Heavy editing would help this story immensely.
And now you’re making requests? No offense, but talk about plot convenience. And, just because he can give you this bloody item, doesn’t mean he’s a genie or some other supernatural wish granting entity… doesn’t it?
I digress.
"First, i want to have an appearance and voice of Alex from Prototype 2. The same goes for my power and their appearances. However, i want to have the same blade as from Prototype 1. Second, i want my powers and abilities to be mutated and upgraded at the maximum. Third, i want to be immune to Bloodtox. Lastly, i want to have the power to cover my whole face in darkness, like Tyrael." i finished. Hey, if i'm going to be a god-like person, i must be one with style. He thought about it for a minute.
"Ok, but it will cost you 10$ more." he said and extended his hand. I reached in my pocket and pulled my wallet, giving him 30 bucks.
He inspected the money and then smiled his creepy smile which made me greatly uncomfortable.
"Thank you for your cooperation." he said and touched my shoulder, making me black out in a second.
...I am fairly certain that’s exactly what he was gonna give you, I think. Like, this entire setup is a plethora of simple useless unneeded explanations or plot conveniences. It’s actually pretty bad, though it is a way to get the information in here, it’s just not necessary. Furthermore, now you’re just asking to be considered a Sue right off the bat, character who I shall call Gary. I get you want him to be called Alex, but there are better ways of doing this without hurting the story.
As it is, Gary has no depth. I have no connection and no motivation for reasons to like this character.
...An. Extra. Ten. Dollars. No folks, you read that right! Apparently there is a measly ten dollar fee to adding more abilities to your set! Also, just having the 30 bucks sitting in your pocket and not your wallet? What kind of monster are you!?
...And… Scene! Seriously, this is just a load of ridiculous and ridiculously overdone.
Waking up, i found myself sitting in an alley during the night. I stood up and checked myself in a puddle close to me. I widen my eyes at what i saw. I had Mercer's features.
"Now, let's see if i am really the Prototype." i thought. Concentrating on my arms, saw and felt black and red tendrils swarming outside of them and changing them. Within the matter of seconds, in the place of my arms were now wicked looking spiked arms which pulsated with red light and were ending in claws.
[Insert Image Here]
What is it with you people and alleys? Seriously, the last fic had this guy end up in an alley, and I’m willing to bet a ton of other fics do this. Trope Name: Dumpster Baby. And, puddle for simplicity’s sake, I suppose. However, there would be more by having him learn this later.
...That’s your first question? Really? Can’t you think of something else to do here, like question why in the name of Cthulhu you’re now in an alleyway? No? Alright, fine. And, trying and instantly mastering your powers is SO a year ago.
That image is pointless and just shows you didn’t attempt your hand at describing it.
I inspected the claws, my eyes wide as dinner plates. I could not believe. It was real. I am really the bearer of the Blacklight.
I slowly traced my left claw along the building's wall, making visible scratches. Concentrating again, i shifted my right arm into the sword and it looked like exactly as i wanted, even better actually.
[Insert Image Here]
It turned into the three meters of pure awesomeness. My arm was the same, but my forearm turned into long, curved blade. Some may wonder, why have i asked the merchant for this type of blade specifically. It's because i hated the blades design from Prototype 2, it looked a lot smaller!
...Dude, you have some major issues with description and overall emphasis. I am not getting any feeling out of these words or scenes. Its bland and tasteless. I really would like you to at least make this better and hope that you do.
Alright, vandalism right off the bat. I’m liking your style here, kid. However, this next bit is severely Mary Sue and I just can’t get myself to be comfortable with it. The fact you figured this out so quick is ridiculous.
This image actually is pointless, as a few more descriptive words would make it easily obsolete.
“Pure awesomeness”? That’s your choice description? No successful fic has used such a description unless it was a character, such as RD, saying it. As for the rest, you made a freaking sword arm, how cool. And let me just say, we’re not wondering about that, however this next bit actually gives characterization to the character, thank gods. Its minor, but the fact it’s there is good, though WHAT it is makes it questionable.
I then concentrated and in a wave of tendrils, my arms were now normal yet again.
I grinned as i looked at my arms. This is a dream come true. I can't wait to-"
"What the buck are you?!" i heard someone screaming and turned around. I saw a what looked like a homeless man.
Wait, it was not a man. It was a guy who looked like a bipedal horse with arms and beard. He had grey fur, brow eyes and a picture of a empty bowl.
"I'm just a visitor from the afar." i responded in my deep voice. He seemed nervous, but then reached into his pocket.
...Not the best description, but I suppose it will do. And, when did he start speaking? There’s just a lone quotation mark.
How is this man screaming? Did he actually scream as he said this? Its doubtful and you should probably have described this differently.
How can you already tell this? How in the seven hells can you already tell it’s an anthro horse? And why does he have brow eyes? Are his eyes actually giant eyebrows? He’s also holding a picture of an empty bowl. “Stay back or I’ll use this picture!”
“The afar”? Alright, good enough for this guy it seems. On a new note, was your voice this deep before, how cool. You should voice MK! I have no idea what you sound like, but do it! Thirty bucks says the guy is pulling out a knife.
"Ya know,", he started, slowly pulling a pocket-knife out,"this is a dangerous place to be at night. You could possibly go your home unharmed if you had some money on you." he said, pointing the knife at me.
I smirked covering my eyes in the darkness.
"Even if i had something on me, i wouldn't give you even a single penny." i slowly walked towards him. He started to shake.
"I-i'm w-warning you, s-stay back!" he stammered, barely containing his fear. I, however, did not stop. He saw that there was no other way and he impaled his knife in my heart or rather, the place where it was supposed to be.
Alright, where’s my money. And here we have a stereotypical thug about to get a beat down from this ex-dweeb. How unsurprising. “Go your home.” Again, this makes total sense. And, here’s some bribery attempts in action and they clearly won’t work.
I’ll assume, for the sake of this fic, that you mean that Tyrael thing you mentioned earlier. Cool how you mastered it with no training. Another note, what time of day is it? And why is the hoars shaking? I highly doubt a species that has dealt with various monsters would have a problem talking with Gary.
...Barely containing his fear? He’s already scared shitless and the character has done nothing, that makes a load of sense. Sure, maybe nervous, but nearly pissing himself? Also, you’re just being a dick Gary. AND HERE WE HAVE ANOTHER MOMENT OF SUE CRAP.
I really am trying to hold back, but my gods.
I felt no pain at the contact. I chuckled darkly as shockingly pulled the knife out and watched in fright as my wound healed in a matter of seconds.
"Let's see what do you know." I said to myself and lifted him of the ground with my newly found super strength. With one powerful punch, i pierced his chest and sent a swarm of tendrils at his body. I could feel the tendrils consuming his as the painful rush of memories filled my head.
Web Intrigue:
...You are worthless to me, you flankhole...
...I'm sorry, Bowl, but you are fired...
...Get the buck away from my you dirty gipsy…
That editor really could be of use here, especially since we have such amounts of blunt. And wording that makes no sense again. Also, you’re watching in fright? Good, I thought you were insane.
This is just sad now, especially since you’ve gone and killed that poor homeless pony who did little to you, Edgemen. More lack of descriptive language…
What the fuck. How can you access this guy’s memories and what is “Web Intrigue”? Judging from the last few bits, it’s this guy’s memories. Which are pretty irrelevant to me, and clearly just a chance for the character to show off.
The memories stopped. The "man's" name is Empty Bowl, he was an ordinary guy, but everything changed when he broke up with his girlfriend. He lost his job and now he's homeless. He doesn't have any family in the city for they all left him. At least nobody will miss him.
Yet again I concentrated and a swarm of tendrils consumed my whole body. When I looked back at my hands, they were now brow and furry. I had the same clothes Bowl wore and I can feel beard on my face. Definitely look like a Bowl.
...Sociopath, it would seem. That’s a strike against this fic and character. And, are you trying to make me feel sad for this character, or that your character is a badass? I’m not getting the second message, and that’s pretty clear. In fact, Bowl is more interesting than the actual main character now.
...Shapeshifting. Wow, alright. Maybe you should actually have scenes where the character struggles with his newfound abilities instead of instantly mastering them.
I changed back at my normal form and looked up the building next to me. This is my favorite part now.
I prepared myself to jump and jumped. I flew above the roof and quickly landed on it. I started running.
It was nothing like ever before. The cold wind brushing my face. It truly felt amazing.
I jumped from the rooftop to the rooftop, never feeling tired. I could see the sun rising, yet I did not stop running and jumping. I couldn't wait to see what will today throw at me.
To those of you reading, yes. This is how this chapter ends. It gives me more of a one-shot feel than something that’s supposed to have multiple chapters. I’m also questioning all of it, and I just kind of have to give up before I hurt myself. This fic isn’t the worst, but it needs a lot of work. If you have any feedback for the author, find ‘em and the story. We both know this guy definitely needs the help and I hope he accepts it.
I think your reviews of shitty displaced fics are better than shitty displaced fics.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
10:21_2/5/2017
You probably won't ever see this, but it's me who wrote that fic and I cannot stress it enough just how embarassed I am now that I read your review. Thankfully, after years of practice, my English teacher claims that I am one of the most talented writers in my generation, so I guess I took your review to my heart. But damn, you really tore me a new one. Thanks.