Midnight Review: It All Started When An Alien Device Did What It Did

A Midnight Review

Hello from your neighborhood MidnightChaos, reviewing another Displaced story for shits and giggles, as well the benefit of the author if I can manage it. There will be jokes, possibly memes, and some spelling and grammar corrections. Opinions and wording may be seen as offensive but I will try to tone down the level of bitter asshole I usually put into things.

It Started When An Alien Device Did What It Did by Chaotic Speed

Now, now. Just because I actually know you, does not mean I’ll hold back. Anyways, this title is a mouthful but it’s actually pretty original, I give you that.

You ever know what it's like to have a weird watch permanently stuck to your wrist? I do, and it lets me transform into ten different aliens. Now, here's what sucks; I'm in a world not unlike my own, but no-one knows me, and I don't know anyone. No family, no friends, nothing. Well, now that I've got the power to, if anything threatens my new home, they better be ready for me.

Classic Displaced description here with little diction on how the story itself progresses or on on anything to reader may want to know, beyond the fact you’ve got a magic watch from outta space. You should probably rethink this a bit and try to aim for something that will interest the readers you want to get.

Displaced of a regular guy turned Omnitrix wielder. All claims go to their respective owners, yaddah yaddah yaddah. Thanks to SnapDrakeGames for taking time out of his life to edit this for me.

Again, I’m going to give you the same suggestion I did with Hollow Shades. Use the

Extra Tags: Ben 10

because it would be easier than telling them he becomes Ben, or a variation, although the name and cover art give it away. And, this is FiMFiction, disclaimers are more of a ff.net thing, however I commend you for actually doing this. Snap?? Oh honey, what have you done...

EDIT: 12/31/16 I tend to use the species of an alien if possible, so here's a link to all his aliens and the species name as well. http://ben10.wikia.com/wiki/Omnitrix/Species_DNA

EDIT: 07/01/2017 Okay, the first chapter is.... well it's terrible. But it gets better.

First off, I am fairly certain this is pointless and could be put in the Author’s Notes at some point. If someone actually cares about Ben 10, or has a base knowledge, they should be able to guess. The link is appreciated though.

You changed the YMD format in the second note, and honestly this is a thing for the Author’s Note just like the last one.

I: And Stuck Itself On His Wrist [22 December 2016] 1,014 Words

First off, that’s new but the latest chapter has the same date, so I’m concerned. Thankfully, you have it marked as On Hiatus, but as we’ve talked that’s probably going to change to cancelled. You’ve reminded me that I should probably cancel two of my fics, or remove their latest chapters since the crossover hasn’t been worked on in over a year.

As for the word count, it seems small and I’m used to something higher. It’s already less than a fourth the size of the last one I reviewed, but that’s a good thing because it took me an entire day to recover, especially since I didn’t sleep.

Chapter 1

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. IS THAT A FIRE ALARM OR THE MICROWAVE?

Groaning, I fumble my hand around, trying to find that damned alarm clock. I feel the top of it, and slam my hand down, finally stopping that cursed noise.

I yawn and sit up, counting down from three, and swinging my legs over the side of my bed. Standing up, I walk over to my closet and pick out a black shirt with a white stripe down the middle.

I go to the wall opposite of me to open my dresser and pick out some pants, socks, and underwear. After I finish dressing myself, I go to the washroom to brush my teeth. Looking in the mirror, I see my dark fire red hair, and my ice-blue eyes, and my 14 year old Caucasian face.

Oh, it’s an alarm clock. Also, I really really don’t link fics in present tense, it reads heavily like roleplay to me, but I digress. As for the rest of this paragraph, my primary suggestion is changing the tense.

You yawn and sit up? Not even stretching like a stereotypical character that starts their story off in bed? No, seriously. I’m not joking, go look at the amount of scenes involving a person waking up that have them stretch. Where did this come from? You know what I do in the movie? Grumble, wrap myself in my blanket, and then drudge out to the coffee pot for a nice cup of joe to wake my ass up. Maybe pop my back afterwards, but I stretch 1/100 times I wake up.

I’ve always found that starting a story in this bit is usually unnecessary or just flat out boring. Sure, PonyEarthverse started like that, but that was because it was a primary element of the storyline. (Which reminds me, I need to completely revamp my PEv story). Anyways, I can already tell this has some level of self-insert, as 14 is your real age.

So, for the first bit, this is a lot better than I expected, however, it could use detailing here. So far, this is better than the first thing I ever wrote, so good on you.

I go down to the kitchen, and pour myself a bowl of cereal. Grabbing my iPad from the counter, I walk over to the couch and plop myself onto it.

I boot up YouTube and look for SSundee’s latest video. Midway through it, I check the time, seeing it was 7:30. After I finish it, I look for another video, before remembering his schedule. Pixelmon was on Thursdays, not Fridays.

I then proceed to run around the house like fucking Sonic the Hedgehog, gathering my shit, when I realize I have school today.

Alright, pacing, hun. This is moving as if a 300 pound soccer mom tripped over one of her kids and fell down the mall escalator. Anyways, I really honestly would prefer this start be different, seeing as this fic has already made me disinterested. The importance of a first chapter is that it NEEDS to keep a reader’s attention and so far that has failed.

Anyways, I have to be clear here. I do not care about SSundee’s latest video, in this chapter, or the fact that you’ve chosen to watch. Furthermore, we only know its a video and that SSundee is… Isn’t he a Minecraft YTer or something? Gods, those people are annoying as shit. Especially the people who voice act for characters they’re controlling. It’s a game, which is supposed to entertain, and half of the time Minecraft YTers detract from any enjoyment I could get out of Minecraft and are the primary reason I no longer enjoy playing it.

Rant out of the way, I also don’t care about this guy’s schedule. It has literally no importance to the story, outside of this tiny speck. That aside, you woke up at 7:30am and have school, why aren’t you finishing your homework or some other shit? You’ve implied it’s Friday and most places have school on most Fridays. Starting off by doing that and then giving up and moving on to YouTube or music would make you more relatable.

You ran like fucking what? Are you serious? This is like doing the godsdamned Naruto run. Okay, let me ask the readers something here.

Explain to me how a human being can do this? And, if they tried, would it NOT be comparable to this?

No, for a few reasons. One, humans cannot run like Sonic the bloody fucking hedgehog, and if you tried you’d break you neck. Two, Sonic is an animated mildly anthropomorphic animal, which I can’t see is a hedgehog because he doesn’t look much like one. Three, Naruto, will also animated, is human and a human can mimic his running style. Four, Dan just looks amusing and adorable here.

Why are you taking shit to school? That’s disgusting, leave it in the toilet.

After I grab all my stuff required for school, I open the door and run off. Realizing I won't make it if I took my normal route, I decide to take a shortcut through an alleyway. I reach about halfway through the alley, when I spot something glowing green in a black dumpster. Curious, I jog over to it, making sure to track the time. When I look inside, I lurch back in surprise.

It’s a prototype Omnitrix! Of course, at the time, I thought it was a prop. It looks authentic, like it was plucked straight from the show. It was too good to pass up, so I grab it, and run some more. I put it on while I’m running, and that's when everything changes. It sparks, and I black out.

I don't know how long I was out. It feel like I’ve slept for a few years on a brick bed, because holy shit is my back sore. Groaning, I open my eyes, and sit up cross legged. Putting my hands in my palms, I start thinking.

Restating actions from the last excerpt here, honestly. Okay, running out the door cool… Also, what the fuck were you doing? Why the fuck would you waste that much time if you know you have to walk to school. I digress.

Anyways, where does this character live that alleys are a safe shortcut through town? I think the teachers would be more concerned about your safety, as opposed to your arrival. Of course, maybe not all teachers, but I digress. So, question. Why would you look in a dumpster in an alley? Are you trying to get scarred or become a witness to a murder? I think you need some common sense, character-whose-name-remains-a-mystery. Let’s call him Charlie.

Okay, so, this is where I think there needs to be a bit of detail describing said Omnitrix, because as it is, it’s a jarring introduction for this piece of the plot. And, Charlie seems to think it was authentic, even though he thinks it’s a prop? There’s a problem here, and that is that props for shows, or even fan-made ones, are made to look as realistic as possible, so… Yeah, it’s pretty misleading. Also, I recommend you try to fix the pacing again, because honestly.

Charlie, why would you put on a strange item you found in an alley? BECUX EES SO COOL, SONUVABITCH. Okay, so this bit here is pretty okay, but the problem is that his black out happens so abruptly and then the scene shift is even more abrupt. Why does the character sit cross legged, that’s an odd way to sit after waking up with your back hurting.

Suffice to say, this whole bit could use a level of work” Details, wording, character-thoughts, and even his name, so characterization. All would be welcome here.

“Okay, recap. So, I run from home to get to school, spot a green glow, investigate it, to find an Omnitrix. Put it on to feel like I just slept a few years on a hard surface…. now where am I?”

I take my head out of my hands, and look at my body, making sure no harm had come to it. It seems fine, so I look at my surroundings. A small alley, just like the one I was in, but a lot less clean. I remember the Omnitrix, and look at my wrist.

...That recap is so blunt you could knock out a rhino with it. And the fact he’s even going over this when we already know it happened? Sounds like a useless effort, to be honest. You could easily have left that entire bit out.

In all seriousness, I have no idea WHY this scene even happens, it’s like stabbing someone and then going, “Can I borrow some sugar neighbor?” The fact he needs to make sure no harm comes to his body is so odd and so strange it’s like a square wearing a fez. And, I thought he was in a jail or something, but it’s an alley. In fact, it is allegedly just like the one he was in, yet he somehow knows it’s not? This fic reads like the argument of Anita Sarkeesian, or, in short:

Basically, the fic is the point.

“The hell? Why is this thing still on me?”

I attempt to get it off, only to find it stuck. I try to pry it off with a stick that’s conveniently lying beside me, but the wood breaks. I stop my attempts, thinking, before the craziest thought comes to me.

“No, it can't be real. No way.”

ITS REAL, THEY’RE REAL. NOT THE LEECHES, WHY THE LEECHES. It’s a leech, that’s why. And, seriously? Wood? I think you probably stabbed yourself in the process, Charlie. I think you should have stopped before you even started.

Apparently it IS real, Charlie.

Attempting the most absurd thing ever, I tap a button on the Omnitrix. The dial pops up, and it shows a figure with Four Arms.

“No fucking way….” I breath. Pushing it down, my skin starts to change, and I feel myself becoming a tall, muscular figure, with an extra set of arms. Surprisingly enough, it doesn't hurt at all. Feels like a good stretch.

Looking at my new body, I find dark red skin, with a black shirt and pants, a white stripe down the middle on the legs and shirt. I test out my new extremities, trying to get used to having two new limbs. Before I can get used to these new features, however, there’s a scream from, seemingly, an alley next to me.

You’re going to rewrite DisplacerOfEquestria’s The Newest Displacer!? Anyways, I don’t understand how he finds doing that absurd. Or why the first choice is this… thing with four arms. Also, why is Four Arms capitalized? I think Snap probably missed this.

No fucking way indeed. Mostly because the next scene taking place is under dramatized for what is actually happening and moves pretty quickly, despite it’d content. And, the comparison is so odd for what actually happens.

Anyways, there are those My Immortal flashbacks. Why is describing clothes always disinteresting or bland? Anyways, this next bit sounds strangely odd, because it reads like both clothes and the actual skin or scales of this creature. And, this guy is oddly deductive, or he’s just really good at bullshitting his way through things. “Neu, Charlie.”

Carefully, I get up, and slowly walk over to the next alley. On the way, I see a row of colored houses, in fairly good condition. As I get to the next alley, I see a fiery-headed girl, trying to get away from three people clad in black, knives in their hands. They have her cornered, and they slowly advance. I do the only thing anyone would do in my situation.

“Leave her alone!” my new, deep voice commands.

They turn around, and promptly shriek like banshees, dropping their knives and running away. The girl’s face shows a mixture of fear and wonder. I slowly walk up to her, trying to look non-threatening.

...I really am questioning his already intimate knowledge of this city. On a side note, what? Is that Sunset Shimmer or something? Anyways, I can’t help but question why this chick is being cornered, but that’s probably a good thing because it helps keep this interesting. So, yeah, this seems like the typical “GOTTA BE A HERO” scene common for hero backstories and stuff like that.

Once again, I really am having trouble reading this as present tense.

So, this final paragraph has a simile that I feel okay with, though it is much like the rest of the fic and kind of blasts through. That’s definitely something you can work on, is adding levels of detail to this and reviewing it a few more times before publishing.

“Are you alright?” My voice can’t help but show a bit of wonder at her not running.

“What are you?” the girl questions me.

“My name is…” I pause for a moment. “My name is Four Arms. I know, uncreative, but my parents weren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Why aren’t you running away, anyways?”

“You remind me of something. That’s all I’m saying,” she answers.

“Well, do you need any help?”

“Are you alright?” No, I think I’m actually getting whiplash. You seriously need to work on this pacing, and the story telling element here. I think a fight would be a great way to keep attention. That’s just my opinion though.

Real creative name there, good thing you recognize that. “Oh, you have four arms? What’s your name?” Four Arms. “Oh… Not something like Jeff?” Nope, just Four Arms. “I’m going to call you Charlie.” I will say it at least fit as a pony name.

She’s reminded of something? Okay, well she reminds me of someone but I literally can’t say for sure she is Sunset. Also, why would she even be talking to him, especially since he would look like a monster or some other crap. But, this is Equestria, so…

"No, I’m fine. Thank you though, Arm Man." She smirks a bit and walks past my enormous figure. After she’s out of sight, I look around. My Omnitrix then decides to time out, beeping a few times, reverting me back to my human form after the final beep.

"This is… strange. First, I get an Omnitrix, and then I transform into a living, breathing Tetramand. Where am I anyways?"

I walk out of the alley, trying to find a place I can stay for the coming night. Spotting nowhere I can stay, I go down the road, eventually reaching a run-down house that looks like it should have been condemned. Shrugging, I walk into it, going upstairs, and falling asleep on an old bed, sleep taking me, darkness enveloping me.

You’re fine, I’m at least feeling healthy which a long shot from that review, so I’m commending you for being the second best fic I’ve reviewed, but that’s out of four so don’t start cheering yet. Anyways, why is she smirking at an alien? That’s just odd. And, this is a pretty anticlimactic end to that whole scene and I can’t say it was the best part of this fic, which may be the start and the method of getting him here.

Yeah, dude, that is strange. But, you’re going through this like a champ, with no issues. Even better going. Finally asking the real questions, are we? On a side note, the fact it took this long to get here is commendable as well, good job.

Here we finally are, the last paragraph. However, its pacing is also kind of speed up, Chaotic Speed. Also, what the actual hell is this bit? Pretty sure it could be expanded to maybe a few hundred worlds, or even entire scenes of him digging through other old houses or alleyways. All in all, this fic is… “Meh” or, I have no strong feelings about it either way. IT could definitely use improvement, and I leave you to take my advice as you see fit.

Comments

[A Normal Human]

I may have said it in Discord already, but thanks again, Mids.