Status Update - A pointless rant to vent on the unfairness of life · 3:57am Jan 31st, 2017
Hello everyone, it's been a while since I really posted something huh? Well let's get down to the nitty gritty depressing shiz
My condition is getting worse with each passing day. My left knee has started giving out on me and things aren't looking too good. On top of that, my roommate was robbed and we might not make rent, which means we'll be kicked out.
If that happens, my parents would take me in, again, but I'd rather not burden them AGAIN.
As for my spine and my legs, well I've got some choices.
-I can wait until my spine melts to the point that my legs no longer function and I am forced to be in a wheelchair
-i can risk a very expensive surgery, and if anything goes wrong with it, I'll never walk again.
-I have no money for said surgery
-I can give up, move in with my parents, and file for disability and be a useless jobless piece of crap.
Every day someone asks me "why the cane?" "What did you do to yourself?" "Oh wow what happened to you?"
And I have to explain to them that I'm a ticking timebomb with no hope for the future. And they all tell me
"All you can do is pray, god will show you the way"
Here's where the rant begins
Do I believe in God/Gods/Goddesses? Damn straight I do, someone is pulling strings somewhere damn it.
But here is the thing - If God truly has a plan for all of us, and we are made in his image, and all he does is for our own good
WHY WAS I BORN WITH A FUCKING MELTING SPINE?!
Why do I struggle to get out of bed every morning?
Why must I live in constant pain that gets worse every day?
What kind of plan needs me to suffer this way?
How is any of this for my own good?
I used to love to run, to jog, to race, and even dance.
Now I dread every single step and stairs are my enemy.
I'm Twenty-fucking-four with a Fifty year old body.
The only damn reason I haven't tried to end it all yet is because I'VE DONE THAT. In the past I tried suicide, several attempts, one successful try, didn't turn out well, woke up in the hospital, THEY CALLED IT A FUCKING MIRACLE.
And I just couldn't help but think - How is this a miracle? How is this good? What kind of God would deny a child his one wish in the entire world and leave him to suffer?
But then I saw my sister, how excited she was to see me alive and it clicked right there
It wasn't about me, it was about the lives of others around me. The lives that I have touched and changed and cherished and protected. The struggles I've gone through as the Eldest of Five. And I can't help but be happy for my Healthy four younger siblings and know that at the very least I did SOMETHING worthwhile in life.
So now I'm just waiting for the end, for when I can't fight any longer and my body refuses to listen through the pain and bullshit of every day, and all I can do is push my wheelchair along and wish for a second chance.
Dude, this is one of the most hope inspiring thing I've ever read.