Chapter 6 has been rewritten! · 8:56pm Jan 29th, 2017
Wow, it took me a pretty long time on this one, as the scenes seemed to drag on, and I had some crazy real life crap get in the way that I'm sure you don't want to hear about. Either way, this chapter is done, leaving only chapter 7 for me to rewrite before arc 1 is finished! Though it's come to my attention that chapter 1 needs some adjustments to make it more in line with the Seth established in chapters 2-6. It probably doesn't need a full rewrite, but it definitely needs to lose the cursing and unnecessary edge. With luck, I'll be able to drop the story down to the T rating if I can remove all the excessive cursing.
I really like the way this one turned out. In the original first arc, most of these ponies just got hurt and ignored what Seth was saying and doing to them. But as this chapter went on, the ponies started pressing at his boundaries a lot more than before, with lines such as Vinyl's "Is everything just give and take to you?" and Twilight's "I don't understand what's going on in your head." and Pinkie's "Do you regret making friends with the humans you knew where you came from?" I'm particularly proud of those. 
Also, I was recently told that linking music into my story was a bad idea and made me look "amateurish," and that I should stop doing that. I considered it briefly, but then I realized that A. I'm writing a fanfiction. That's the very definition of amateurish. B. It's my story, so if I want to link music into it, it's my right to do so. C. I'm tired of people telling me how to write my own story. There's a difference between constructive criticism that I can use, and just plain opinionated crap that I can't use, such as "anime is trash and therefore so's your story," or "I don't like it when people use music in their stories, so you shouldn't do it." I've shown that I'm more than willing to accept help where I can get it, but it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I get trash talk purely because that one person doesn't like the stylistic choices I've made.
Anyhow, rant aside, here's what you probably came here to read.
Now then, here are the notable changes for this chapter.
-The first thing I did was expand the dialogue between Applejack and Seth to make it seem more like a real conversation rather than Seth just saying "Wah, I don't want friends, fuck you."
-Expanded the farm scene in general. This required researching apples and apple storing techniques so I could figure out how and where apples and other crops were stored to last through the winter.
-One of the biggest changes I made was removing the flashback scene with Seth and Adam. When I read back through it, I realized that it really didn't add anything to the already established relationship between them in the previous chapter. For example, you already knew that they watched Soul Eater together, and you knew that they bonded over anime. No need to write in a cringeworthy flashback that only serves to show how much the author was obsessed with the show at the time. I still like Soul Eater, but it's a huge mistake to allow one's love for a show to color a story that really has nothing to do with said show. My editors didn't agree with removing it, as they felt it didn't take anything away from the story as well. Ultimately, I made the final decision as I personally didn't enjoy reading through it. I'm curious to hear what you think about its exclusion.
-One thing I had to deal with was how the dinner scene was handled. Seth was going to turn it down, but this time, I stated that food was included in his pay to compensate for the low amount of bits he was recieving. Therefore, I had Seth's reason for turning it down to be his own insecurity, drawing upon how uncomfortable he would feel sitting at the table.
-Changed it so Seth met Vinyl at the square and not the park.
-When dealing with the phone, I expanded a bit upon his memories, showing Amaryllis's more protective and dominating side compared to Seth's more emotional, feminine nature. I wanted to portray their relation as being odd and unusual, where the girl was the strong one who served as Seth's emotional support.
-I added a separate scene with Lyra to expand their relationship as well as touch upon the whole "ponies control weather" deal. This way it would be more than just "what the shit, they're moving clouds...oh well, I'll ask Twilight later." At the same time, it would allow me to build towards Lyra's attraction towards Seth (how much fun he is to tease), as well as Seth's dislike of her and the idea of relationships with a pony in the first place (as shown by his disgust towards her joke about Vinyl.)
-I cut out the scene with Golden Harvest/Carrot Top, as it really didn't make much sense or add anything to the narrative. It also felt odd, as it had him totally acting out of character to get a negligible discount.
-I expanded the scene with Vinyl to show her stubborn side once more, in that she never accepts it when Seth refuses to allow her to be nice at all. She was pushed to the point where she had to pull the "boss card" (and she was not happy about having to do so), as opposed to the original's "just take it, bitch." This then led to one of the lines I mentioned before "everything is just give and take to you." This hinted that Vinyl heard something from Dash, and she was trying to understand Seth for herself.
-Seth's interaction with Pinkie. Which was basically nothing in the original. Seth had this original "Fuck you Pinkie because you're a pink horse and you sound like a chipmunk." That eventually led into a blow-up that made practically no sense apart from him being a colossal dick for no real reason. This time, I had Seth's trepidation for Pinkie stem from his original meeting with her (that he didn't even hold against her in this chapter) as well as her reputation for being the friendliest, which is something he's been trying to avoid this whole time. Later, Pinkie cut right through his cynical shell right to his heart with that one comment "do you regret making friends with the humans where you came from?" Pinkie, just by being Pinkie, got through to Seth to the point where he had no defenses left. Then, as would be expected of one whose beliefs were just directly challenged, he grew angry at her. I'm very proud of this, as I feel it made Pinkie much more than just the "look at me, I'm pink and friendly, listen to me sing!" that she was in the original.
-I removed Flitter's interaction in this chapter. As Chapter 7 needs a huge rewrite due to the fact that 2/3rds of it is dancing, I'm shifting that scene into the next one, as I'll have to refill the void left by the dancing by actual character interaction. Go figure.
-Replaced Applejack's sudden "lol yoink Pinkie" to keep her from singing with Twilight instead. This let me lead into a deeper discussion between the two of them that eventually led to "I don't understand what's going on in your head." Even Twilight is starting to be pushed by Seth's prickliness, despite her earlier passiveness. Yet she's still reluctant, as the harder she pushes, the more Seth snaps (which is exactly what I intended for Seth's character.)
-Lastly, I replaced the ending so that it had a different tone apart from Seth's "Wah, I hate parties, this'll suck." Now he's worried that his snapping at Dash is going to explode in his face, and for good reason, as Dash has told quite a few about it: like Pinkie and possibly Vinyl.
Okay, that's all I have to say about this one. Just one more chapter to go, and then I can knock Wilting Flower out of the way. To be honest, I'm tired of Wilting Flower hanging over my head when I'm so passionate about rewriting this story. Though let me assure you that this doesn't mean I'll half-ass Wilting Flower. If I do something, I do it to the best of my ability. If I can't do that, I won't do it at all.
In the meantime, do me a huge favor and read through the rewrite of chapter 6 and let me know what you all think of the changes! Anything you can give me would make me happy, as it lets me know that people are still following me and reading the stuff I do. I'm not just writing for me, after all. I want to make others indulge in the alternate reality as well. 
I'm also tempted to make a Discord channel to better communicate with my readers...but I'm not sure, as I feel like that would discourage people from leaving comments, because they could just talk to me directly. I don't know, what do you think?
Why are you rewritting the chapters?
4401542
Because the originals needed improvement. If you're curious as to what the rewrites are changing, read through my previous blog posts.
What you consider "unnecessary swearing" I consider Seth's crude charm, but it's true that a "T" rating will get you a larger audience, so I can only say, "You go, gurl!"
4402412
Thanks for the feedback! I feel that there's a difference between cursing here and there, and then saying "fuck" every few sentences. Plus, I'm finding that every time I've come across a curse word, there's room for a better word that would convey my meaning better. I don't want Seth to seem like a thug.
Though, he does curse when he's under duress or if he's more comfortable with someone...which hasn't happened yet in the rewrites.
4402485
Seth ain't about that lyfe. Also, I've just finished a third reading of this masterpiece. My only criticism is that you made the fight against Vanta and Seth admitting his love to Rainbow so damn cliche. For instance, “With every second you continue to exist, thousands of human souls cry out in pain! They call for vengeance, Vanta!” and when him and RD kiss for the second time. Even then, it's still fantastic.
4402945
It's on my list of things to change. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to do it, either.
I know I still want Seth to undergo that transformation as a culmination of the negative emotions building up inside of him. I know I still want Seth to reject Rainbow first, and then later get counseled by Vinyl.
So I know the Vanta fight needs to be changed, I'm just not sure how.
4403023
If I'm going on how long it takes you to rewrite the last chapter, it should take you 75 months to reach that chapter. I'm sure you'll have thought of it by then.
To start with, inserting completely optional to click bgm into your story can only add to the experience, if a person is somehow turned off because of some thought like, 'fkk dat weeb a$$ s***11!!' then they themselves are close minded and not worth listening to.
4402945
4403023
Being a late 20s otaku I feel I can give this line a good answer. First you as an author already stated above that you were a huge fan of anime and it has influenced your life and works. You've shown yourself that Seth is the same way. I feel that the way you write Seth now after the rewrite is more relateable and as I can now relate to him and foresee more rewites in the future this is how I interpret this anime-esc line.
Seth early on as a kid seemed eager and willing to befriend and please. Slowly however through the actions of one person and the lack of action of his peers and even teachers led him to believe that all humanity is like that. After his ordeal he pushed everyone away, slowly sank into his own hate and despair and proceeded to build a wall around himself. Sometime during all this he stumbled upon anime and saw something in it. Maybe he saw a main character surrounded by friends; that kept fighting back for the good of all, no matter the injustice or futility. Maybe he saw a world where the most trouble one would experience would be finding the courage to confess to someone they admired. Whatever he saw I feel that despite how coldly he acted on the outside to everyone the one thing that he truly wanted were true friends. I feel that with the help of Rainbow and the others Seth can finally discard that shell that he made to protect himself from being hurt and with that wall gone he can finally be the person he should have been. One who cares about people, can see the inner inate good in all people. That no one is born evil and redemption is possible.
And y'know bar all that Seth being an otaku probably dreamed about powering up after a near defeat, spewing out a heroic line before proceeding to wipe the floor with some evil douche and then confessing to a girl he loves.
tl;dr keep it and spin it for your benefit. Have Rainbow tease him about that line with something like, 'What was with those Daring Do like lines you were spouting off back there?'
4403395
Man, you are quickly becoming one of my new favorite commenters. Thanks for the advice, I'll look into that...in the year or so it takes me to get there
4403395
I suppose that makes it less of a cliche and more of an allusion? I'm not saying it's out of place, I'm just saying that you'd see that in more than a few animes. Either way, this cliche isn't bad, it just got me thinking about anime, which kinda pulled me out of the story for a second. That line combined with the near-death rebound transformation must have been some kind of catharsis for Seth.