We Always End Up Right Where We Began. · 4:35am Jan 27th, 2017
Ya know, in some ways it's all changed.
In 2014, I decided to change. I blogged about it here. Like today, it was January, I'd been let go from Amazon, and I was faced with the realization that I just kinda suck. At least, compared to what I'm supposed to be. I posted a blog once a day every day, and I more or less made it all the way through. There's a bunch of stuff that I'd forgotten about , (Papa is fine, by the way) there's some stuff I'm embarrassed by, and then there's the stuff I, quite frankly? Nailed. I finally decided the Fedorarecool only barely counts as a name, and became Troubleshooter. I became a construction worker, a janitor, and finally got re-hired at Amazon. I moved out of my house, turned twenty, and started working on a real story. It was a huge change.
Ya know, nothing ever changes.
I no longer work at Amazon, for the reason stated above. As I write this, I feel like slamming my head against something hard, not being fired was both very obvious and very simple. And now here I sit, two years later, with a blog post and a new name, and I realize that next to nothing has changed. The only thing I can really be is a writer. Except, when I go to write, there's always something else to do. Almost anything else, honestly. There's one thing I want to be, and based on how I act it'd be hard to tell that I actually want it.
How does change work, hm? How can you tell? I'm in a different place than I was two years ago, but I still have all the same problems with myself. I like the same things, I hate the same things, I'm not sure if I'm smarter than before, and I still can't properly keep a job. And the only thing I want to do, for some reason, I won't. I mean, to be fair working on the internet is like being expected to concentrate in a room filled with people having sex, explosions, wacky hi-jinks, and more people having sex, but other people somehow manage.
I'm a Christian. I've been a Christian for a really long time. I've never doubted God. My problem now still isn't even God, but why in the world I can't bring myself to do more than the bare minimum. It's like there's a circuit breaker in my head, and when I go to do something I'm supposed to do, it trips and I spend half and hour day dreaming about Supermare: Rise of Krypton. I don't wonder if God is real, it's more like... why did he program someone so resistant to being a functional human being?
It's been bugging the last week since I got fired, and honestly for a while before that I've been wondering what exactly is wrong with me. I have decided that there is no answer. People are complicated and suck-y, and part of the point of living is making everything less suck-y. People try to get up and make the world a better place, and we always just try and pretend that everyone who fails never existed. So here I am, facing the same problems and worries I did two years ago, and I can only think of the exact same solution:
Ponies II: This Time, It's Competent.
Once a week, for one year, I will post in this blog. Some of the things here will be writing. Some of it will be story concepts. Some will be stories to short to publish on their own. I will miss some. I will likely miss a lot. I will cheat. I will be late. Most importantly, I will do my best. And hopefully, if I'm very lucky, I'll be in a different place by the end of it.
That's why I changed my name. I'm not Troubleshooter, and I don't really think Fedoras are cooler than any other hat. My name is Kai Aveon Creech. I live in Campbellville, Kentucky. That's my real face, taken in the collage library I steal books from with my computer because my phone doesn't have a camera. I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or if this is the dumbest thing I've ever done or not. But it's all I know how to do, and after a lot of thought and prayer I can't help but feel like its the best thing to do. The best way to see if I've really changed is to do the same thing, with my new skills, and something real on the line. I'm sharing this on Facebook, so people who know me in real life will know all this is going down. Can I succeed now, where I failed before?
I wish you luck, and will pray that things turn around for you
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Thank you. :)