A Survey of the Work of Vinyl Scratch (Annotated) · 3:05am Jan 21st, 2017
This blog post will contain big spoilers for the last two chapters of A Survey, which I've just published. So don't read this unless you're caught up.
A Survey of the Work of Vinyl Scratch (Abbreviated) is a work of fiction, but constructed from a large number of true events.
To begin with: Sound on Sound magazine is primarily a parody of Pitchfork. Though it's named after a song by Starflyer 59, and the name rhymes with Drowned in Sound, and I based its logo on Consequence of Sound.
Chapter 1
The introduction that takes forever to actually get around to the subject of the review is a classic of the genre. For a few examples, see Daniel Yates reviewing School of Seven Bells: Disconnect from Desire (Drowned in Sound), Will Neibergall reviewing Tame Impala: Currents (Tiny Mix Tapes), or Brent DiCrescenzo reviewing Radiohead: Kid A (Pitchfork). Those specific reviews also inspired the "draw far-reaching sociological implications from a few songs" aspect.
“Opportunity (Let’s Make Lots of Bits)”
Parody of "Opportunity (Let's Make Lots of Money)" by Pet Shop Boys.
“What Time Is Friendship?”
Parody of "What Time Is Love?" by The KLF.
As Tenner sang, “What did I do to deserve this?”
"What did I do to deserve this?" is another Pet Shop Boys song. Tenner is the ponified Neil Tennant, PSB's singer.
Squirrellex
A two-for-one reference: to the dubstep musician Skrillex, and to the abridged series Ultra Fast Pony—the episode "The David Bowie Drinking Game" has a gag where Pinkie Pie mispronounces his name as "Squirrellex".
And Vinyl’s partner in crime, Octavia Melody—songwriter and cellist—is the dark horse of this ensemble.
This is just completely wrong. If you read Octaves, it establishes that Vinyl sampled from a recording of Octavia's cello practice, and used it in her first hit single. Spilt Ink somehow misunderstood this and thought that "DJ PON-3" was a group, and that Octavia was a full member of said group. My "inspiration" for "getting basic facts wrong about the subject of you review" were:
—William Bowers' review of Soul-Junk: 1957 (Pitchfork), in which he misunderstands the band's album numbering scheme.
—Adam Moerder's review of Starflyer 59: Talking Voice vs. Singing Voice (Pitchfork), in which, two freaking sentences into the review, he attributes a quote to the band that they've never said—an opinion they had specifically repudiated in interviews for at least seven years beforehand.
in the dance club she’s conjured up, you can’t swing a conductor’s baton without hitting a clever reference to the compositions of, say, Counterpoint or Half Glass.
Counterpoint is a ponified Steve Reich (and a reference to his composition Electric Counterpoint). Half Glass is a ponified Philip Glass. Both are influential minimalist composers—the art music genre that everyone compares to techno and other dance music.
a cyclopean predator that pursues you relentlessly while also hiding from you in fear
Inspired by Sonia de Jager's review of Zu: Cortar Todo (The Quietus): “Listening to this record feels like attempting to escape from a beast inevitable, which is in turn trying to hide itself away from us.”
that vision from Wild Drummer (dance music’s last true philosopher and all-around cheeky bastard) of a future in which all music consists of identical drum machines playing identical four-on-the-floor bass drum hits at identical BPM—yet the critics and listeners still argue over which umph-umph-umph-umph is better.
Wild Drummer is my ponified Bill Drummond, of The KLF. In 1988, The KLF published The Manual, which described in detail how they created a very derivative, aggressively stupid pop song, and made it a #1 hit on the UK charts—and how you can do the same, even (no, especially) if you don't have any money or musical talent. ANYWAY, that book contains the following paragraph:
We await the day with relish that somebody dares to make a dance record that consists of nothing more than an electronically programmed bass drum beat that continues playing the fours monotonously for eight minutes. Then, when somebody else brings one out using exactly the same bass drum sound and at the same beats per minute (B.P.M.), we will all be able to tell which is the best, which inspires the dance floor to fill the fastest, which has the most sex and the most soul. There is no doubt, one will be better than the other. What we are basically saying is, if you have anything in you, anything unique, what others might term as originality, it will come through whatever the component parts used in your future Number One are made up from.
I recommend reading the entire text. And reading The KLF's biography on Wikipedia. They are a prime example of the truth being stranger than anything I could have come up with.
“Halcyoff,”
A pun on "Halcyon", one of Orbital's best singles.
There’s a party in your brain, and your ass is invited.
"There's a party in my mind, and I hope it never stops." —Talking Heads, "Memories Can't Wait", Fear of Music
and for that they deserve more than our respect
"... however decadent one might find the idea of elevating other human beings to deities, My Bloody Valentine, failings and all, deserve more than your respect." —Dele Fadele, reviewing My Bloody Valentine's Loveless (NME, 9 November 1991)
Chapter 2
This whole chapter was primarily inspired by Brent DiCrescenzo reviewing Stereolab: Cobra and Phases Group Play Voltage in the Milky Night (Pitchfork).
(and yes, I know now that DJ PON-3 is just Vinyl Scratch’s stage name; you can all stop writing me angry letters about that)
Passive-aggressively responding to other people's pointing out your mistakes? Inspired by William Bowers' review of Soul-Junk: 1958 (Pitchfork): "When I reviewed 1957, Junkheads came out of yon woods to tell me I got their discography scheme wrong (the albums start at 1950 and go forward while EPs and singles go backward to 1938-- how you like me now?)"
“The Birb is the Worb,”
Apparently Family Guy turned "Surfin' Bird" into some kind of meme a few years ago? Whatever. Do yourself a favor and listen to The Cramps' cover version. Just listen to The Cramps in general.
Sauerkrautrock
A pun on Krautrock, which is a real genre/scene that actually existed. I'd recommend Neu! '75 and Faust IV.
“Fleep Street”
A reference to "Beep Street" by Squarepusher, and also Jason Shiga's webcomic Fleep.
“303 Madsnacks Yo.”
A reference to "303 Scopem Hard" by Squarepusher, and also Andrew Hussie's webcomic Homestuck.
Chapter 3
Pitchfork actually freaking did this—Scott Plagenhoef reviewing Black Kids: Partie Traumatic. (NB: They're crapping all over the band's first album, after having rated their independent EP as 8.4 and Best New Music.)
Which I guess was a callback to the Fork's earlier review of Jet: Shine On.
Chapter 4
The title is, of course, a song by Elvis Costello.
Rip Fork is based on Matt Wendus, whose blog RipFork was remarkably useful research for this fanfic. I particularly like his take on Will Neibergall.
pizzamoshbro garbage
I snagged this wonderful neologism from an internet forum debate between metalheads about what is and isn't "real metal".
Chapter 5
This review owes a lot to Brent DiCrescenzo's review of Beastie Boys: To the 5 Boroughs (his final review for Pitchfork), in which he starts off writing standard Fork fare, then flips his desk over and admits everything he just wrote was B.S., and in the process implies that everything the Fork has ever published was also B.S.
High Fidelity, your review of Dial M for Magic made me want to vomit.
A reference to Conrad Amenta's review of Starflyer 59: Dial M (Cokemachineglow), which I won't link because it's so incredibly stupid it doesn't deserve the pageviews. When the (now defunct) Velvet Blue Music message board tore the review apart, one of the Cokemachineglow editors made an account to apologize for the review, and to explain that they only published it because they were short on content that month, and it was too close to the deadline for them to tell Mr. Amenta to fix his stupid review.
This flute solo is a ripoff of ‘7 Kilograms’
A reference to "The Narcotic Suite: 3 Kilos" by The Prodigy, which also featured a flute solo.
That beautiful pony played a bunch of white label mixes that even I hadn’t heard before.
Record labels used to gauge interest in upcoming dance singles by sending promotional copies—with white labels, because the artwork hadn't been finalized yet—out to certain clubs and DJs. Sometimes the white label version would be mixed differently from the final version that was released to the public, particularly if the promo version used uncleared samples.
“I mean, I like The Pets’ old albums as much as the next pony, but if I have to endure yet another editorial about how great they were back in the glory days, I swear I’m going to scream.”
John Lucas: "Here are five reasons why Pet Shop Boys’ ‘Electric’ is their best album since ‘Very’":
There’s a pattern to 21st century Pet Shop Boys releases that runs like so:
—Album is widely praised as a ‘return to form’.
—Album sells a little bit less well than the one that preceded it.
—Album is completely forgotten by all and sundry within about two weeks of release.
—Time passes. Neil writes a ballet, Chris buys a hat.
—New album is announced.
—Cycle repeats.
Not only is this probably quite frustrating, it can also make it difficult for the casual observer to detect whether the latest album really is a ‘return to form’ or just an excuse for journo types to wax nostalgic about how amazing the band were in the 80s and 90s.
Duke Ivory’s East Equestrian Suite
Duke Ellington: The Far East Suite. This is me embracing the anachronisms in MLP's pop-culture references.
Pepper Delight’s Queen of the Wind
Pepe Deluxé: Queen of the Wave. Pepe Deluxé used to make Big Beat, an electronic subgenre that was huge (in the US at least) in the late 90s and 00s, but is rather obscure today. And Pepe Deluxé abandoned Big Beat to play a retro-sounding genre mishmash that draws heavily from psychedelic rock.
They called it … acid rock.
This story actually happened—although from the other direction—to Neil and Chris from Pet Shop Boys, of all people. The first time they listened to acid house, because of the name, they were expecting it to sound like acid rock with house beats. So they were pretty disappointed at the time. They talk about it in the interview from the liner notes of their compilation Alternative.
Chapter 6
Bandoneon Times & Music Express
The Accordion Times and Musical Express was bought out in 1952, revamped, and relaunched as New Musical Express, better known now as NME. The bandoneon is a musical instrument in the same family as the accordion.
Blueprint Dance
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." —Martin Mull
Demilitarized Dairy Dwelling: In the Airship over the Ocean
Because this fic wouldn't be proper hipster trash without a reference to Neutral Milk Hotel: In the Aeroplane over the Sea.
Well, this has been an education. It probably says something about me that the Homestuck reference was just about the only one I got.
Again, thank you for this story.
Your musical references in all areas are insane.
I really enjoyed the fic.
This has been educational. I missed a lot of references, but at least I have a roadmap to educate myself a bit.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
4390164
I think it also says that I have weird taste in music.
4390167 The scary thing is, I'm not really trying. This just comes naturally.
4390343 Like a bachelor's degree in Underwater Basket Weaving.
I am reminded of the first time i became enraged with a music reviewer for getting very basic analysis wrong when I read a Rolling Stone article about the Disturbed album "Indestructible" that got the point of "Inside the Fire" so hilariously wrong that I couldn't understand how he had even listened to the album.
4393165 As others before me have noted: the newspapers are always accurate and trustworthy, until they write about a subject you already know a lot about. And the same principle applies to music journalism.
4393530 that's the thing though: I don't know a lot about that particular subject. I just, yknow, listened to what the lyrics said :P
I'm mildly disappointed that I didn't get the Homestuck reference.
Wasn't Pitchfork that magazine that all the hipsters copy-pasted their opinions from?
4395015 An internet magazine, but yeah.
Cool.
You've actually gotten me to add one of these albums to my list.
the system will not let me like this blog post
the system is down (badalum-bump)
well done, well done.
4521950
Doodelootdoo-doodelootdoo-doodelootdoo-doodelootdoo-doodelootdoo!
Glad you liked it.