2012 - A World Beginning, Only to End · 8:02pm Jan 14th, 2017
This blog is something of a response to this one, and also a general "Howdy!" to the Wonderfolk.
Howdy, Wonderfolk!
Ash and I recently moved from Salt Lake City to her tiny hometown in the middle of nowhere, and I couldn't possibly be happier. This place is as close to Ponyville has a hee-oo-maan city can get. Feels good, and it's just getting started. I'm writing again (albeit not ponyfics, maybe later), I can be as loud as I want in our cute little house, my in-laws have a piano I can play whenever, and I got a job that I love with a solid, repeating schedule which is very important to me. Things in the life of Ponks are looking up, so there's that update, if you cared.
I'm not going to fill this blog with enough YouTube videos, gifs, and links to melt your browsing devices, and it won't be longer than some chapter of Background Pony, but I do want to touch upon the sense of nostalgia Skirts put out this morning, and also address something I've had on my mind for a long time.
I was miserable in Salt Lake. I left BYU in 2015 with no intention of going back to school. I had a cool job in Provo, but I absolutely hate Provo, so when my boss said he was opening a branch in Salt Lake I jumped on the opportunity to move there and manage it. My new wife was on board, so we did it, moving into a really crappy apartment in January 2016. Unfortunately the job didn't ever really start due to a number of weird circumstances, so I basically sat at home and did nothing for all of 2016 while Ash worked, went to school, and tried very hard to comfort me while I waited. It was hard for both of us for very different reasons, but she's a trooper and we still made some good memories.
As I said, we moved again in December, and 2017 is looking bright. But as my life warms up again and I find myself laughing more, it's easy to look back at the happiest times of my life and wonder what made them so glorious.
I'd like to talk briefly about the mission I served from 2013-2015. I will be more candid than this blog probably deserves, but here it goes. I absolutely hated it. Right now, I do not believe in god. I haven't gone to church in over a year. I am thrilled about those decisions, and I find myself embarrassed and ashamed not that I am agnostic in a predominantly Mormon state, but rather that I have to tell people I spent two years talking to Italians about Joseph Smith's Jesus.
Why do I feel so ashamed? I made a choice to dedicate two years of my life to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a religion in which I had been strictly raised. Those two years of focused service made me realize that religion is a bunch of hooey. Living in a foreign country where I had to learn a new language, spend every minute of every day with people I didn't like, and teach Catholics about the Celestial Kingdom gave me unusually keen communication skills. When I got home, I was able to calmly talk to my mother—my own religiously fanatic mother—about my disbelief in Jesus' divinity, let alone Joseph's angelic visions. I would never have been able to do that if I hadn't proved to myself as a missionary that I can do really hard things.
Isn't that weird? Maybe it's not that weird. Lots of missionaries leave the church after they serve, and I think it's because they're absolutely miserable while trying to teach strangers about God's Plan of Happiness, only to wake up one day and realize, "Holy mackerel, these random people are way happier than me." And you start rethinking everything and wondering what happiness even is and how the hell you're going to find it after cramming your head with nothing but 1800s American Religious Revivalism for over 800 days in a row.
There are people who really believe in religion, but I was never one of them. Even as a kid, I remember asking questions that made my mother mad. Curiously, I also remember praying very sincerely, but that was usually because I felt guilty, because I had been taught to feel guilty, because my mother would get mad. As I grew up and gained experiences of my own, however, it became more and more apparent to me that I was not the believing type. I am a cynic and a philosopher and a seeker of truth, terrified of being wrong and desperate to take part only in systems I understand and contribute to. We were taught as missionaries to find those who God had prepared, which basically means those who feel like something is missing in their lives and might find stimulation in the mythos of Mormonism. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum: raised in Mormonism, but wholly uninterested in it.
This isn't very nostalgic or 2012ish yet, is it? I'll get there. This might be longer than I thought.
I'm going to go back to something I just said: I remember praying very sincerely. That's true, especially on the mission. I clearly remember moments where I felt like God was talking to me, that we were having some kind of dialogue and developing a deeper relationship. "Burning in my bosom", finding answers to questions in unexpected places, a spiritual witness that Jesus was the Christ, stuff like that. I have a hard time reconciling those moments with my current mindset. But let me try.
I think the best example is one morning, I was sitting at my desk in a city called Ferrara during the two mandatory hours of daily gospel study. I was reading the New Testament and came across a few verses in Mark that named some of Jesus' brothers. Like, other sons of Mary. And I remember thinking, "Huh, Jesus was just a dude. He had a boring, common name and a family and a trade." And I just started bawling. Like, heaving sobs. But it was a good feeling. And for whatever reason (and I know this because I swiftly wrote it in my journal), I equated that with a spiritual witness that Jesus was the Christ, the Son of the Living God.
What? If anything, that feeling came from the realization that Jesus was not a supernatural savior, but rather a normal dude who made a really big impact on the world, and hey, isn't that cool that a normal guy with some good ideas can really make a difference? But here's the thing: because I had been EXPECTING that feeling as a confirmation to my endless questions, since that's what my church leaders had told me would happen when God finally answered my prayers, of course that's how I interpreted it. If they had taught me songs when I was 5 that said "You will know the Church is true when you catch an awful flu" instead of "I feel the Spirit start to grow within my heart", all the illnesses I caught in Italy would have been testimony enough!
I prayed for a spiritual witness several times a day every day. I genuinely thought that I would see God on my mission. I don't know why, but from the first week at the Missionary Training Center, something inside told me that I would see God. Funny enough, toward the end of my mission I was introduced to the soundtrack of Les Miserables, and the very last song boldly declares that "TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD." I certainly learned to love in Italy, more than I had ever imagined possible. And I didn't love people because they were Mormon, or interested in Mormonism. Some of my most dearly beloved friends from my mission are totally atheist. Another was a Jehovah's Witness. Another became my wife.
Ugh, I could go on and on with this stuff. Maybe I will someday. It feels great to write it out and organize my thoughts better. But here's the point: I am embarrassed about having served a mission, but do I regret it? Absolutely not.
Well, maybe not.
I gained a great deal of personal strength from the mission. I became obsessed with communication, honesty, and balance. I learned another language, I ate some of the best food in the world, I bought really skinny clothes, and I made lifelong friends. These things make the mission worth the anxiety, depression, self-hatred, and worthlessness I felt 80% of the time.
But I can't help but wonder... what if I hadn't done it? I know it's fruitless to imagine alternate universes sprouting from one decision, but... what if? Do you realize what I left behind? Do you understand where I was in my life? That was the height of my bronyism. I had just finished The Sisters Doo and was planning a 6-part series for it. I was writing pony songs that people really seemed to like, and I was gaining praise and attention, which is all I want in life. How famous could I have become in the brony world?
It seems like a stupid question. "Ponky, are you saying you'd rather be a popular brony living on the internet than be married and working toward real life goals?" Well, no, but... maybe? Like, I was so happy back then. My family thought I was a weirdo and I had zero local friends, but that didn't matter to me at all! I had Fimfiction! I had Ditzy and Daring Doo! I had Csquared and Plyxe and Disciple of Luna and DF and Suke and mrjerrio and SeatieBelt! I had Timetraveling Pony and oberon and metallusionismagic and Quantum_Shift and Shipmun and Brony Pony! I had Quylaa and Lucky Dreams and Saddlesoap Opera and Cold in Gardez! I had Razgriz and theworstwriter and TheBrianJ and WardenPony! I had statoose and Honey Mead and Ckat_Myla! I had Regidar! I had PROPMASTER!
AND GOD FUCKING DAMN IT I HAD SHORTSKIRTSANDEXPLOSIONS!!!!
What was I thinking!? I look back at blogs and YouTube videos and see comments that ask "Are you for real man? Why are you throwing your art away for a Bible?" At the time they didn't really bother me, but now I'm like, "Yeah! What happened? I threw away my family for something I didn't even believe in!"
I mean, look at the video in this blog! I straight up say that the most important thing to me in the world are people. I don't talk about God or anything. And that's always what I said when folks asked me why I was on a mission. I didn't go on a mission because I had some fiery religious desire to spread the good news, I went because I wanted to "be the best version of myself that I can be".
Did that happen? Did it work? I don't know. Who would I have been if I stayed? Sure, I wouldn't have gotten the experience of living in another country, which I think is very maturing and will continue to shape my thought process for years to come, but... *sigh*. Maybe it couldn't have happened any other way. That's what sacrifice is all about, right? I had to give up something I loved to get something better in the long run? Meh.
I'm sorry, Wonderfolk. You didn't want to read all that. Maybe you didn't read it at all. Basically, I just miss you. I miss being Ponky. I'm too afraid to come back because I feel ashamed of leaving you for two years, of losing all my traction and having to start over with 1/10 of the enthusiasm. I haven't even watched Season 6 or any of the EQG sequels. Life changes, and I guess that's a good thing?
I just want my Wonderfolk back, even though it can never be as it once was. How Background Pony-esque. It always brings me back to Lyra, doesn't it?
I am not miserable right now. I'm actually really happy. I love my wife and my job and the book I'm writing. I have good friends and exciting ambitions and loads of ideas. This little city makes me happy and inspires me.
But do you think there's any way we can still matter to each other even if I'm not a content-creating brony anymore? I don't, not really. But I'll still drop in from time and time and chat with you guys, because you are the foundation of the person I am today. Finding friends who loved me among a shunned community planted the seeds that led to following my heart and leaving the church, which—though it might sound like a bad thing—was hugely important to my happiness and sanity. My future looks bright, and its thanks to you.
See you around. Please comment or send a PM and let me know how you are. Write your own blog inspired by Skirts' and send me the link. I'd love to get inside your heads again. You are the Wonderfolk, after all.
Thanks for reading,
Ponky
Maybe you needed to do the mission to show your love for people more clearly?
Or something to that effect, anyway.
...I wonder if self-historical blogs are going to become the new starting year thing now? Not that I'd mind.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Oh and you can always get the Wonderfolk back.
Just interact in some way. They'll come back.
~Skeeter The Lurker
hey, at least you learned a bunch of stuff!
--Michael Chabon
hehehe...
You know, I think all of us would love to keep hearing from you, Ponky, even if it's "just" blogs.
Even though you aren't creating more pony content on the site here, the fact of the matter is that you made your mark, and touched a lot of hearts with your charm.
We'd always love to hear from you, even if it's only with blog posts. We're all still here, after all.
Thanks for writing that. I'm sure it was painful, to some degree.
I wonder, though. Would you have had your "awakening" if you hadn't gone on the mission? You saw the reality of your beliefs more closely because of how close you got to them. How many people just kind of sit in a church once a week and never question what they "believe?" I don't know the details of why you came to the conclusion you did, but if I hadn't done my own time on something vaguely like a mission, I don't know that I'd have ever moved on to that point, either.
There's nothing to be ashamed of. We're all on our own journeys of discovery - learning about the world, and learning about ourselves - and it's our "mistakes" that help us discover what's real.
I understand feeling like you've missed out on the hottest time in your potential bronyism. And I'm sure that hurts. But I'm equally sure that what's ahead will be even better. The good times ahead may be nothing like the good times in your past, but nothing ever will.
In five billion years, the sun will become a red giant and obliterate all traces of Earth. Nothing any of us does will matter then. What matters is NOW. The people you love, and the time you spend with them. You've got people you love. Spend time with them. If some of them include your wonderfolk, all the better for us.
Again, thanks for writing that. Maybe one day I'll be able to share my own story.
You wouldn't be the first person I follow here who spends more time just chilling and chatting than making with the horsewords that I initially fo!lowed for. So have at it, if that's what puts you in a p!ace where you feel right and good. I'll be highly unlikely to comment--lurk moar is my preferred mode--but I still read what shows up in my feed.
Obligatory curiosity on what your plans for that 6 part Sisters series.
Like, do you still have outlines sitting around? Even if just scrawls on a paper. Would be nice to know where you were going with it.
And hey, poke people. And if you are really bored, we have a few chatrooms sitting around to waste a few hours in. Pretty sure people still remember you enough to say hi.
Glad to hear you're doing well. And yes, do check in from time to time. We care.
An old priest at my confirmation camp preached something similar, that God exits in the meeting between humans. It certainly is the most special thing there is.
Damn, man, I had no idea your mission affected you that much. Or rather, in that way. Still, I'm very happy you see yourself as a better version of yourself. Could you have been even better if you'd thrown your all into horsewords, rather than this spiritual journey you went on? Maybe, maybe not. But it's important to focus on who you are and what you've done, rather than what another ponky in another world might have been.
And to answer your question about "getting the wonderfolk back"... we're already here, man. You don't have to churn out fics for us to stay. Hang around, chat with folk, come play some video games. We ain't going anywhere.
You shut your damn mouth, this was a lovely read.
I wouldn't have ever considered myself one of the Wonderfolk, but in the past few years I've read a few of your fics and I initially started following you because Skirts spoke the world of you. And while I don't know you... you seem like a bright, funny, and interesting individual. And I was sad to see you go, when you did! But it would be good to have you around, nonetheless, whether you are creating or just around, talking, being, interacting.
4382990
Well, that's very nice of you to say. Sorry you weren't around in the glory days. Boy, that was fun. But maybe with encouragement like yours, it can be fun again. Thanks.
4382971
Good points, especially about the Wonderfolk already being here. It's nice to be reminded that so many lovely people have stuck around all this time. Admirable, even.
4382956
I like that, "the meeting between humans". There's something very real connecting all of us. I don't know quite what it is, but maybe that's a good thing. Good to hear from you, Spectral. Thanks. ^_^
4382894
Good question. I sure hope I still have outlines lying around somewhere. Maybe I'll share those in a blog soon, or just with you, since you're curious. Or, hell, maybe I'll finish it this year in a condensed and easy-to-write version. We'll see.
4382890
That's good to know. I'm glad you left this comment, at least. I suppose the most important part of a community is communication and not necessarily content. Good to know this community still has life in it.
4382844
I've read this comment, like, five times already. Well said. You've made me feel understood, like you were conscious of my feelings while writing the blog, and I appreciate that. Plus I like nihilists who still search for what matters while they can. Not that you're a nihilist, per se, but... referencing the death of our sun is always a bummer of sorts. Ha!
4382828
That was very nice of you to say. My goal is always to make people laugh or learn something, and I guess if I've accomplished that to any degree it's worth something. Thank you.
4382822
Wanderer D, you great grinning dragon thing of a man. Good to see your words. Thanks for that encouragement. I'll see what I can do.
4382821
Is the "hehehe" at the end implying that you, in fact, are God laughing at my plans? If so, sorry we had a falling out.
4382817
Huh, I like that. I'm sure I needed the mission for something, and I might as well believe it's as meaningful as love, eh? Thanks for that.
Also, bespectacled pony!Aku is freaking awesome. And when are we going to see your autobiographical blog, Skeeter?
4383035
Haven't much to tell, alas. It's as simple as it gets.
Oh, and the Aku was made by a awesome individual named Twifight Sparkill. They're definitely worth checking out.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Nice to hear you're doing well. Thanks for writing this, Ponky. Our relationship may be different from how it was back in 2012, but you still matter to us, regardless of whether or not you produce content.
I clicked on the link to Skirt's blog and it crashed on my iPhone SE's Google Chrome app. It crashed on me three times. Now, this phone is pretty new and the selling point for me was that it could handle a ton of crap compared to my old iPhone 4S, but jeez. How much crap did the Lemoo cram in there to crash one of the more recent phones?! :V
As a few of the others above mentioned, your happiness is the only important thing here. I hope you do well in whatever you chose to put yourself into, whether that be poni poni poni or not!
This has been a really good weekend, and it has been made better by this blog. Drop me a line, anytime. If you know anything about the time you spent away from us for two years, I'm just here to smile at your successes and support you through your hardships. We've still got a lot in common, even if pony isn't one of those.
Put the burden on the other party. Works for me!
Case in point: I vanished for most of the year after a very productive Feb-March and did a year recap about 2 weeks ago. Ferret's still around and PP is hounding me for more Caughlin, and that's all I needed to know.
Anyhow, you're a cool dude and you write cool blogs. Reading that you're happy and in a good place in life makes me happy, so to answer the question: even if you don't think so, I wouldn't mind seeing you pop up in my feed every now and then.
I agree. Missions are really, really hard. And by the end, it feels awkward that I did it at all. What was the point of all that anyway? For me, my mission was (and still feels like) just another commandment I followed. Not something I wanted to do. But something everyone else, including God, wanted me to do.
I'm not in the same boat as you as far as leaving the church goes. I'm still very connected in my relationship with God. And—actually... you probably get enough of this stuff from your family and other people, so I won't bother you with it.
You sound like you're in a much happier place, and that's what matters! And you're writing, too! (Let us know when you self-publish something on Amazon, or wherever.) You still have a large audience of friends that love you and like hearing from you.
I'm glad things are looking up for you. I've had a crazy time since coming back from Italy. As much as I didn't like Napoli, I'd give almost anything to be back there. But that's another story for another time. The important thing is you're doing well. I hope I'll be able to read whatever it is you're writing one day.
On a side note: have you seen the broadway musical The Book of Mormon? If not, you should look into seeing it; it's hilarious, and extremely relevant, as it follows missionaries trying to convert Ugandans to Mormonism. And seeing as it was written by the South Park writers, you can imagine how it goes.
4383029 jeeeeeeeeeesssss, now, do the 'truffle shuffle' to garner my favor...
Everything I wanted to say to you after reading this blogpost have already been said in the comments, so let me just sum it up like this:
.
You're an awesome guy Ponky and I love to hear from you whether you're pumping out horsewords or not. You're happy now, and we're happy for you, that's what matters. Horsewords might be the reason we came here in the first place but it's certainly not the reason we stayed for years waiting for YOU to return.
Live your life like you feel is right and be happy and it will make us happy as well Ponky.
Wow. I was raised Mormon my whole life and never heard of a Mormon (former or otherwise) hating Provo.
I feel honored to be mentioned!
I have to ask, though - why? What did I ever do to you?
4383087
Hi, Sypher! I should have included your name when I was screaming them into the void of nostalgia up there. Thanks for your kind words. You've long been good to me.
4383106
My iPhone 7 did the same thing. I had to get on my computer. Worth the trip, though.
4383154
Well, that's very nice of you. Even your avatar feels like a compliment. Keep spreading positivity, Thunder. The internet needs it!
4383215
4383348
Glad you got that.
4383385
This feels like an informercial testimonial. "I disappeared, and just by using Fimfiction.net, I was able to find friends again!" But really, thanks for letting me know it has worked for others. I appreciate the compliments, too.
4383511
Thanks for exercising restraint. You're right, I do get enough of what you were about to say. But thanks for your kindness regardless! I'll be sure to talk about the book around here when it happens, probably in a long time.
4383512
"I belieeeeeeeeeeeve that God has a plan for all of us! I belieeeeeeeeeve that plan involves me getting my own planet!" Classic stuff. I love that musical.
And boy, do I know what you mean. I would go back to Italy in a heartbeat if I had the money/opportunity.
4383574
Oh ryttyr, you're so nice. I keep getting the urge to back and finish Mantles, literally just for you. Your patience deserves to be rewarded. I'm a believer in finishing what you start, so... don't lose all hope just yet.
4383744
Really? That's surprising to me. In my opinion, Provo is the worst city in the entire world. It's impossible to drive there because there are only 10 huge roads that make navigation easy but arrival impossible. Everyone there looks exactly the same. They run in the middle of the day just to show people that they're exercising. They're soooo nice to you, smiling and concerned for your wellbeing, until they get in their cars, and then they're the meanest most selfish people on the planet because they don't think anyone knows who they are. It's a disgusting cesspool of lies and deceit covered in a thin later of snowflakes and makeup.
But that's just my opinion. Absolutely no offense meant to you personally, I'm sure you're a cool guy. I like that your name and profile picture complement each other, too.
4383754
Well, you commented on stuff and you have a rad name and a cute, consistent avatar! Easy to remember people like that.
I'm glad you've found happiness, even if I don't share your current religious views; I'm sure you've heard that from plenty of sources already. No matter if we're still brothers in the gospel or not, find joy, take care, and never give up
(writing some more would be great too, if you feel so inclined)
I- I am genuinely shocked I was in this blog, as one of people you mentioned favorably.
And, as shallow as it may seem, that makes me squee a bit...
Also, congrats on finding happiness in 2017; so far, none of my childhood idols have died this year, but I'm keeping my eye out... But so far, it's a better year than 2016.
It’s a really pleasant surprise to hear from you again! I’m so glad that you’re in a good place right now.
Also, don’t assume that we’re not interested in what you have to say… I mean, just look at how many responses this blog post got, even though you haven’t been active here in ages and ages! And whilst I can’t pretend to know what it must’ve been like to spend two years thousands of miles from home doing something you hated, I feel I can sympathise on at least some level. One of the things that truly shaped me as a person was the half-a-year I spent doing teacher training – and it was legit one of the most horrible experiences of my life.
I was placed in a school that had zero faith in me, with a headmaster who flat-out DESPISED me. Every day felt like a week, and every week felt like a month. I was convinced that the misery would never end – a feeling which sparked a vicious cycle, since the more miserable I felt, the worse I did at teaching, and so the more the other staff hated me for it (not paranoia, unfortunately. One teacher actually told me that people were talking about me behind my back
). I can’t even put into words how much of a failure I felt, having wanted to be a teacher for most of my life.
But you know what? That was six years ago, and in retrospect, for as awful as it was, I wouldn’t take that experience back for anything. Because doing something I hated made me realise how important it was to be true to myself, and try and find something which I loved.
Which drove me to fanfiction – it seemed like a natural step, considering I’d already been lurking here thanks to Wanderer D’s Sweetie Chronicles, and that I was itching to create a story which would hopefully prove just as popular. And after a bumpy start, it struck me that, although I never even remotely approached the popularity of the Sweetie Chronicles (well, apart from my one Christmas story), people genuinely seemed to be connecting with what I was writing. I’d found that, to my delight, this was something I could actually do, and do well.
And all these years later, fanfiction has led to me doing a Masters at University in writing for children! (No joke. The stories I submitted on my application form were deponified fanfics
). So far, the course is going fabulously, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done with my life.
But here’s the thing: I wouldn’t be doing it at all if I’d never struck rock bottom back in 2011. So, although it’s fun to imagine what might have been, or remember how freaking awesome it was to be a brony in 2012 (trust me, I do it all the time!!), ultimately, I don’t think it’s worth the energy. Or at least, it’s not worth that much energy. True, you could well have become one the most poni-famous people out there – but just because it never happened, it doesn’t mean you’re not still destined for greatness one way or another. You can't know the future until it happens, after all, and of how what you learnt on your mission plays into that
Yike, this comment totally ran away from me! What I meant to say was: yeah, keep doing blog posts from time to time. We’re still your Wonderfolk. We’ll still be reading ‘em.
Also, if it makes you feel better, I’ve haven’t watched much of season 6 either – overall, I just don’t feel the show has the spark anymore, y’know? Although that said, I would definitely make time for The Saddle Sow Review if you have an extra 20 minutes to kill.
4383872
From the county line south to where the freeway turns to the right outside Spanish Fork, Utah County is a mess of bad drivers coursing between a sea of billboards with religious and/or technical messages. Don't stop, don't make eye contact.
4383872
Thanks, I'm glad I found a pony with film reel in it. It was the perfect find.