Identity "Crisis" · 2:25am Dec 14th, 2016
Scare quotes in place since it's not really a crisis, just an interesting observation tied to the closest Magic card name I could find.
In any case, the new job is going well, aside from my not yet having any of the accounts that will allow me to actually do my job. As such, I've been paid for two days of giving myself a crash course in Git and watching my new co-workers handle tasks similar to what I'll be dealing with (and playing Hearthstone on their phones.) It's also given me plenty of time to think, and thus we come back to the title of the blog.
These last two days have been a rather drastic adjustment for me, and I think I know why. It boils down to how I haven't had a go-to-the-office, Monday-to-Friday, 9-to-5 job for about eight years, and that one didn't have an almost hour-long commute. Bit of an adjustment. But it's not just the commute, it's the amount of exposure to other people in reality.
For the last six months, and in a looser sense the last five years, I've had the freedom and luxury to be FanOfMostEverything as much as I wanted, which turned out to be quite a lot. I no longer have access to such sweeping vistas of free time. Between the cross-state commute and the closely monitored Internet traffic at my office, I have to exist in the real world for a ten-hour stretch each day, interrupted only by furtive use of my phone. Even that will have to be restricted to lunch once everything gets rolling.
As I said, a bit of an adjustment. One does not simply stop being a ubiquitous user of a website, even in one's own mind. I can almost empathize with a Bruce Wayne forced to hang up the cowl.
Still, there's always mornings, evenings, and weekends. 
Speaking of which, that story I teased a few blogs back is very nearly finished. I just need the time, opportunity, and energy to apply the finishing touches, so it should be live before Monday.
Heh, I know what you mean. I went from 12hrs/day of internet and video game use in college to 10-14hr days at a machine shop and then 8hr +1hr commute construction work. Due to an injury I've been off work for 6wks and have been OD'ing on Fimfiction the whole time. Going back to work again is gonna suck.
you can still be a fan of something even if you don't spend as much time on it
I've been getting (Git-ing?) to know Git over the last couple weeks, too. It's pretty awesome having version management and history, especially with how frequently I end up breaking my own code.
Oh god, I'm so sorry
It is a bit of an adjustment, but you'll adapt to it. I have a similar job with similar hours and travel times, and I've never stopped being me. In fact, if not for a work colleague, I probably wouldn't have got into MtG. :)
I thought you said you were getting a crash course in git gud for a second and was confused...
Well, as much as it sucks to lose extra free time, at least the steady cash flow is nice.
And hey, maybe there is a FimFic user hiding around the office somewhere, you never know...
Ah yeah, "real life" always finds its way back in (usually through the air duct). But it's also pretty important, so I guess there's that. Can still suck though, so I feel ya. In times like these, it's good to remember the Borg: "WE WILL ADAPT." Just, you know, don't adopt the tyranny bit.
Yeah, I know that feel.
Torn between reading and writing during the off time.
You'll find your balance in due time. Its just a new era. After college, I felt so robbed, but we've got to be "functional" members of society.
You'll get used to it sooner or later. At least it both A) provides money and B) gives you some perspective on how precious that free time is and was.
Glad you're describing it in terms this positive, though!
Glad to hear it's going well, at least.
Oh yeah. My post-school transition was rough. The mundanity of everyday life is... well, a bit mundane, much of the time.
Hopefully, if all goes well though, it'll come to take on new levels of significance, etc, in due time. Or at least provide adequate compensation to fund the greater enjoyment of free time.
Also, I know where I work, there's pretty much the ceremonial first week where new hires don't have access to do anything, so at least the experience isn't totally unique.
Oh dear yes.
My first real job was a shocker. Being privileged, up until then the only work I had done was tutoring a friend for sessions of 2 hours a period, once or twice a week. Then I got a part time gig doing 20 hours/week (max allowed while I was on a student visa) at university and it was, without exaggeration, life-changing.
Interacting with people, being exposed to them and so many of them so intensely. Up until then I hung out with my girlfriend every three days and that was it. Well, that and a religious routine on /fic/.
Now I considered myself to be socially skilled since what I knew - how to converse, playing off cues - was all learnt the hard way. But the culture difference between where I had learnt my skills and where I found myself... it was palpable. I could feel that it just wasn't clicking between me and my local colleagues - more so than with fellow international students. Gave me a whole new appreciation for social interactions and how crazy it is that we are the most mobile generation in history.
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Definitely. As I told my boss yesterday, it's like what I'd been doing before, only vastly better organized.
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I need to git gud at Git, so I suppose you're right either way.
And I admit, this blog is in part an attempt to see if anyone at my office recognizes me through my typical vague statements regarding my real life.
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Well, I am working in application development, so I have the synthesis of man and machine going...
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My co-workers are nice, I'm literally down the hall from an HR director who's happy to field any questions I have, and there are more lunch options than I can shake a stick at within easy walking or driving distance. There's a lot to be positive about.
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Oooooh yeah, I know that feeling. It's really weird to only be yourself a little bit of the time. One might even call it "alienation", huehuehue.
If it wouldn't cause too much trouble at work, you could try putting
your cutie marksomething to remind yourself of your avatar on a piece of clothing/accessory or on something on your desk. Even at work you should never be just the version of you that is an employee. Otherwise, my advice is to do what Bruce Wayne does:Work. When I started working, after years of just studying, I found something I liked a lot: when you leave the office, work does not follows you.
Oh, Git. I love Git. You can do so much with it. You've got to try really hard to lose code with it, and if you think you lost something, it's probably because you don't know how to recover.
Hang in there FOME, you can do this. I'm here for you, your legion of fans are here for you, and MLP is here for you
A few years ago, I worked the midnight shift for a month. I think I volunteered cuz the night receiver got injured and there was no one else could cover it. There wasn't much interaction with people since I was busing it there around 9:30pm or so, so there was maybe three other people on the bus at most. At work, some of the lights were turned off (saves some electricity money) the power never completely goes off and there's always people in the store 24/7, even if the store is closed. There's stocking going on. Basically seeing the same ten faces for a month. Well, I guess there's truck drivers. They were different every time.
So the end of the month came and after a shift I went to the mall, so it was in the early morning. The manager of a hobby shop that had recently closed down had offered to paint up some Warhammer 40k models for me, a unit of Thousand Sons and Boss Zagstruk, if I recall. The guy was kind of meandering through life. He had no job. He was taking care of his daughter, but it was mostly his wife doing it, so it left him a ton of free time. So I decided to throw a few bucks his way and give him something to do.
He ended up going to business school a few months later and opened up his own hobby shop shortly after. It's still running today.
Anyways, in the time that I spent waiting for him to show up, the mall started opening up. It was just a slow trickle of people at first. Mall employees opening shop. I was aware of the feeling, but shoved it aside. And then customers came in like a steady river depositing salmon at some familiar mingling point, all wanting to fulfill that sinister urge of consumeristic desire, the need to buy shit. It was then that I realized I had a scowl on. I hated each face I saw. Each individual. I loathed each person. Each differing idealism and opinion held within them. Their desires. Their lusts. I was disgusted at the chaos of it, the conflict that was physically in close proximity of each other. All those petty trespasses we all make, if not against one person, against another, even if we are seperated by distance. All the hypocrisy. And, certainly not for the first time, and most definitely not for the last time, I wished all of us were dead. The universe would be at peace. It would be perfect. No more conflict if everything existed to be.
I began to wonder if that perky side of me just some sort of ruse. Like, was I lying to myself? There ain't no denying there's a darker aspect to me. Was I just masking it with jokes and tomfoolery? Some sort of ideological monster of loathing hiding in the clothes of a fool? Like, who am I fucking kidding, trying to make people laugh? Hell, I mostly do it so I myself get a laugh. I mean, I get a kick out of my own shenanigans.
Then my friend showed up. I put up the quickest, most insincere smile I could. Went through the motions. The pointless greetings. Explained what I wanted him to do with the models. Talk about how unemployment was for him. Oh, and he had brought his daughter.
All the while we were doing our petty business transaction, that little girl was bugging her dad to do... I forget what. Probably take her to the toy store or something (ironically a Games Workshop was a few steps away, but those ain't exactly kids toys, eh?). I dunno. It amused me though. I guess it was from having not seen a kid for a month? Something about the naivety and innocence of it all. I dunno. Despite being old, I kinda fancy myself a child at heart. I think most of us do on this site. I mean, we are into a show for little girls after all. Despite all of it, I'm also very hopeful for this world. Even though I don't like the conflict and strife, I think people can still eke out something better for this world and find purpose and meaning, even if there's nothing but death, the great equalizer, the perfection of nothing and non existence at the end of the line. It wasn't a mask. Not entirely. It's the light to the dark of me. I embrace both. I like seeing smiles. Sure. Wouldn't say I was smiling at that point. Wasn't scowling, though.
Breakfast/dinner(?) at the mall was pretty fucking fulfilling. Especially since that was the last night shift.
Yeah, lack of social interaction for a long time makes it hard and uncomfortable to be around people for a bit.
Also sorry about the blogjack, Foamy. Sometimes someone saying a single line is enough to inspire one to write something tl;dr and edgy ;P
Not having enough free time because you have a full time job is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I try to write snippets of pony fic in my notebook while I'm on the clock, but it's not that easy with my boss and other people watching me all the time.