Story Review: Cupcakes A$$ Kicking: The First Chapter · 3:41am Nov 27th, 2016
Whew, haven't done one of these in a while! But I've gone and decided out of the blue to go and review yet another story I found out there on this site. As always, it'll only be the first chapter, but in my book the first chapter is the most important as first impressions of a story can either or make or break it. Now, the story I'll be reviewing is an older one called "Cupcakes A$$ Kicking", (Dunno why he decided to censor the word instead of making it Ass like I would have done.
) by thewaffler. Now, let's get to it. First, the premise.
Somehow our internet has come into contact with net of Equestria and while hanging out Rainbow and Pinkie discover a certain fic. Are they gonna take it?
The short answer: No.
The long answer involves breaching the fourth wall and getting some much needed pay back. The story doesn't end at Cupcakes as the rest of the folks in Equestria discover their own personal and disturbing fics and pics. Twilight will go psycho and you can't escape a Big Mac attack in the later chapters.
Sorry, that description made me think of that song. Anyways... Yeah, already I have bad feelings. You know that ominous feeling you get when something bad is about to happen to you, or something horrible to one of your favorite characters in a TV you like. Yeah, I got that feeling right now. WARNING! WARNING! Sounds like a bashing fic ahead. But I have to give the author credit, he's doing it against specific fics and authors instead of characters. Doesn't mean it's right, but it's not something I've seen often. Anyways... Onto the first chapter.
Pinke and Rainbow 's Payback
Err, spelling error. Now I know I shouldn't talk as I make spelling errors all the time, but still, it's not THAT DAMN HARD TO LOOK UP A FREAKING NAME
, even more so when it's one of the main characters of the show!
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were in Pinkie's room hanging out like they normally did. Pinkie was on her computer looking up new cupcake recipes and Rainbow was playing with Gummy on Pinkie's bed.
Dr. Whooves opened a panel on the side of his TARDIS and started working the wires using 'primitive tools' as he called them. His Sonic screwdriver lost in the void that was referred to as the living room sofa.
"Ditzy could you hand me a pair of wire cutters?"
Ditzy saluted and walked over to the toolbox. She rummaged through the box looking for the tool but it was nowhere to be found. "I can't find them."
A small hoof pulled Ditzy's tail and she turned around to see her daughter with a pair of wire cutters in her mouth. "Mmfound em." She said through the tool.
Ditzy took the wire cutters and hugged her daughter. "Thank you Dinky, now go play with your sister."
"Okay mama." Dinky turned away and trotted off.
Ditzy hoofed over the wire cutters to Dr. Whooves and he began working on his machine.
He had cut two wires and crossed them, hoping that they would fix his machine but instead something odd happened. The whole room vibrated and a ray of light shot through the ceiling from his TARDIS and they stepped back to see what would happen. To their luck nothing seemingly happened.
Pinkie was surfing through the web when her eyes stopped at a link where the web page was titled 'Cupcakes' and saw how many views and words it had. "Wow, this must be a super recipe!" She clicked on the link and began to read.
After about 20 minutes of reading she just stared at the screen with her mouth gaped open. She set her head between her hooves and started sobbing from what she just read. "Why...I-I would never.." She laid her head on her desk and continued to weep.
Rainbow was tossing Gummy into the air and catching him. She heard Pinkie crying and stopped tossing Gummy and set him down. She hovered over to Pinkie and put her hoof on her shoulder.
"Pinkie?"
Pinkie lifted her head and wiped her snout. "Read this story, they wrote awful things about us."
Rainbow read the story and she was more than just sickened, she was appalled and disgusted and worst of all she was angry about how they made her best friend cry. She continued to read spin-offs and sequels to Cupcakes and she got angrier each story.
Pinkie was crying on her bed with Gummy staring at her and Rainbow went over to comfort her. "Pinkie are you alright?"
"I-I'm fine but how could they say such horrible stuff about us? And how do they even know who we are?"
Rainbow shook her head. "I have no idea, but I know one thing. Whoever makes you cry is going to pay. Let’s go see Dr. Whooves maybe he has an idea on how these things know who we are, look at his profile picture."
Pinkie hesitantly looked at the computer and saw a picture of a very plump creature. "What is that thing?"
"I think it’s a human, I don't know anything about them other than they should by myths. Let’s go to Dr. Whooves now and ask." The two left the bakery and headed for Ditzy's house.
So we open innocently enough, with Pinkie looking up cupcake recipes on her computer (Don't ask me how there's computers in Equestria. Blame it on Twilight.) and Rainbow playing with Gummy. Meanwhile, Doctor Whooves, (Yay!
)
and Derpy of course (Well, Ditzy in this story, but you say to-may-to, I say to-ma-to.) along with her daughter are hard at work fixing the TARDIS when suddenly something very strange happens (Does the TARDIS ever work properly?
) and a odd ray of light shoots up through the ceiling. Yeah, that's definitely not going to cause any trouble is it?
Back with Rainbow and Pinkie, who's name seems to be actually spelled properly now, finds the web link to "Cupcakes" and thinking in her own innocent way because of how highly viewed it is, it must be something great. Yeah... I really feel sorry Pinks for what you are about to go through. Her reaction, which is sobbing and sniffling would be perfectly justified, as I wouldn't want to see myself doing those horrible things (Which I shall not describe, as if I do I will not be getting any sleep tonight and besides, you already know what it is I speak not of.) After Rainbow comforts Pinkie, which in my opinion probably could have gone on a bit longer, they find a picture of a very plump creature. (Really, making the author of the story a fat guy? Way to play to the Brony stereotype there waffler.
) Anyways, to find out what that thing is, the duo decide to go see Doctor Whooves and get some much needed answers.
"What can I help you with girls?"
Rainbow took a step forward. "We read this weird story on Pink's computer and it was written by these humans."
Dr. Whooves dropped his attention from his TARDIS. "Humans?"
Rainbow nodded her head.
"Show me."
Rainbow lead Dr. Whooves to his computer and showed him all of the new sites filled with content from the strange creatures.
After awhile Rainbow spoke again. "So what do you think happened?"
Dr. Whooves closed his eyes and tapped his temple. "I think I have a theory." He walked over to a chalk board on the wall and started drawing a few pictures, a rectangle, a cone, and a line.
He pointed his hoof at the rectangle. "This is my device. Earlier when I crossed wires together it sent out a pulse of energy into the sky." He moved his hoof to the cone. "And then what could have happened is that the energy pulse reached out into the depth of space and attached itself to another ripple of energy that then connected to create a wormhole." He drew another cone from the tip of the first cone. "The worm holes then formed a gateway from our universes and here. " He pointed at the vertices of the cones. "Is the suppressed in the middle to where only certain elements may pass- say a radio signal." He moved his hoof to the final illustration of the simple line. "It then followed its pre-path back to Equestria and impacted our solid surface and sent the signals all over and now we may access their content." He dropped the chalk. "Any questions?"
Rainbow slowly raised her hoof. "What?"
"Where you not paying attention?"
"Sorry no, I've been really mad at how much they hurt Pink and I want to get back at them."
Pinkie poked Dash's shoulder. "He said that we are now connected through a small interstellar wormhole that allows static communication to be made with another universe through a small tube."
Rainbow was dumbstruck. "...okay." She turned to the doctor. "Is there anyway somepony could travel through the hole thing?"
He scratched his head. "Well... I guess if you were to break the laws of physics in some manner around the source it may pull you in because you show similar traits to its current action. In a scientific term its called breaking the fourth wall."
Pinkie's eyes lit up. "Oh that’s easy!"
The doctor was familiar with her actions."Before you go, you should consult a certain friend of mine that’s an expert and philosopher on humans. He owns a struggling comic book shop in Ponyville."
So, the Doctor's already figured out what's happened and explains it in his own Doctory way, which I only half understand, which I suppose is kinda the point. Either that, or it's just bad writing from someone trying to be scientific. You make up your mind here, folks. Annnnnyyyyways, The Doctor recommends-Wait, stop! I just noticed something!
The doctor was familiar with her actions."Before you go,
Two problems, the doctor is supposed to be capitalized, and two, there is a space missing. This is how it should be done.
The Doctor was familiar with her actions. "Before you go,
There, that's better. Anyways, Pinks and Rainbow go to this comic book shop in Ponyville (Huh, wonder if it's the same one where Spike bought that enchanted Power Ponies comic book?) where they meet a strange stallion who introduces himself as Waffles (Author insert, okay I won't fault you for that, as I've done it myself. Grape Vine: Yeah, you did it with me! Twice, I may add! And the first time, you deleted me out of shame! You know how that feels ya idjit? Hey, Grape, what the Hell are you doing here? Get back to your own story, you've got a journey to Neighlantis to complete and a mare to get back to! Okay, sorry bout that, can't control my own characters at this juncture.) Hopefully, before that happens again, I'll continue. Waffles explains everything one needs to know about humans, or at least in the most basic way possible. I suppose if you wanted more, look it up on a Wikipedia article or Humans for Dummies. Now, if you excuse me, I'll skip ahead a bit.
The odd smelling writer sat down on his computer and entered his username out loud. "PedoTwilight74" and then went to his email.
"From Pinkie Pie? Weird..." He clicked on the message and a cyan hoof came out of the screen and pulled him in. "What!? No!" The computer shut off as soon as the writer disappeared.
"PedoTwilight74"? Really man, really? You sicken me for making it look like all of us are just people lusting after colorful little horses. Anyways, as you can see it looks like this reader is in deep, deep (Pardon my Written Script level language for a mo, folks.) SHIT, and no shovel to get himself out of it.
Meanwhile at the Legion of Douche
A very sickly looking writer with curly red hair was talking with a headset on and staring into his webcam. On the screen there were three other humans.
"So I was thinking since I was the creator of Cupcakes I could write a direct sequel. I’ve grown wary of all these horrible unofficial sequels that fail to live up to my grand opus. As for you three I've read all of your sequels and spin-offs and they have inspired me to write the next masterpiece." The sickly writer said with pride.
A snort of laughter came from his headphones. "Yeah dude that’s going to be so friggen sweet!"
"I read your new chapter RainbowDyke189, and it's great. Keep up the good work; I loved that scene where the dying Rainbow Dash was trying to eat out Pinkie’s Pie."
A very brittle voice came from the headphones. "Oh that was nothing, wait till I write chapter four. I'm going to add-"
One of the screens started buzzing and the writer was disconnected.
"Maybe he DC'ed?"
"Yeah pro-"
The other two writers on the sickly humans screen buzzed offline and he banged his computer. "Piece of junk..."
"Hey you!"
The writer turned around and his face showed amazement. "Rainbow? Pinkie? You're real!?"
Rainbow took a step forward. "Yeah and...oh...what’s that behind you?"
The writer turned around. "What all I see is my wa-"
The writer was knocked unconscious and was put into a sack.
I'm sorry, but all of this foul language (Example: RainbowDyke189) (I'm not even going to comment on the Legion's name. I can think up better names in my sleep, cleverer ones.) just makes this story sound like it's being written by a child who just learned every dirty word in the Book of Dirty Words and wants to use them all. Plus, I'm pretty sure the word Dyke is CERTAINLY not acceptable in today's society. I do hope the writer isn't a homophobe. Otherwise, I have a message from this guy.
Oh my.
Sorry, but that gets me everytime. Excuse me while I giggle to myself for a few moments. Okay, giggling done now. Back to it.
"And you!" Rainbow flew over to a very large writer. "RainbowDyke...Why the hay would you write me performing oral with Pinkie while I was dying? That’s really messed up...I ain't into mares. I mean yeah I experimented in college, but I didn't like it."
Pinkie appeared beside Rainbow. "You went to college Dashie? What did you study? Awesome-ology? Kicking flanks and taking names?"
Rainbow turned to talk with her friend. "Believe it or not it was Drago communications."
"Oooh that sounds coo-"
"AY GUYS YOU GONNA TALK OR ARE YOU GONNA DO SOEMTHING?" Said the writer that was the only one to know where this was going. After his outburst he immediately regretted his decision.
Rainbow turned to him. "Heh... Thanks for putting us back on track there. Pinkie kill the lights."
The lights were shut off and all of the writers continued to scream for help.
They heard a dragging sound across the room and a writer heard the dragging stop beside him.
The small lamp was turned on and he stared at the pink mare whose mane was flat.
She giggled. "So you think I'm a crazed psychopath?" she pulled a butchers knife from the darkness. She slowly ran her hoof on the blade. "I wonder if this is sharp enough....Here test this for me."
She slowly ran the tip of the blade down his arm and the skin was only slightly scratched.
The writer was hyperventilating as the blade traveled from his shoulder to his elbow.
Only a single trickle of blood dripped from the knife and Pinkie smiled in delight. "Perfect..."
"Please no! I have a fam-
Okay, I'm sorry, but I just can't read anymore. Pinkie, acting like her Cupcakes self just as a revenge prank and resorting to torture? I'm sorry, but that's so far removed from the Pinkie we know and love it feels like I'm watching some twisted and demented alternate grimdark universe version of her (Oh, the irony.) I CANNOT believe this complete and utter crap came from the same guy who wrote "Stray Ardor", one of my favorite stories on this site. Seriously dude, or dudette, (Ya never can tell on the internet, Hell, for all you know I could be lying about my age. Okay, I'm not, but you get my point.) confine your hatred to certain aspects of the fandom to blog posts, not write them down as stories where we can all see them. I know some people enjoy this story, but I don't. Honestly, it feels a bit like a stoner comedy, and that you have to be on Magic Mushrooms to actually enjoy this sort of rot. The jokes suck, and the humor is just plain immature. What, have we gone back to the seventies or eighties or something? Honestly...
Okay, now I actually have to go read something good, like Past Sins or I'll Always be Here for You just to get this bile out of my head. So, what do you guys think of my first review in ages? Your thoughts, and any future stories you'd like me to review, I'd love to know. That concludes this review for the night, and I wish you all good luck in writing your own stories. Just don't take any cues from this story, please. But if you do want to read it for some Goddamn reason, here's the link:
