Rant! I just stared writing and this happened...

You ever have one of those days where you realize no one you know can or would just hang out with you?

I say that because, at work, I've met a few pretty cool people I'd love to just hang with. Unfortunately, I work the night shift, so our sleep and waking patterns never line up. Then there are people you really want to get to know, but you're sure would be put off by the invitation to just hang about.

I'm being a downer, I know, but I feel like I need to say something. Not so much for the attention, but to see how you respond to my comments and predicament. I'm not looking for answers or solutions as I've already thought of those. Perhaps, maybe, I'm looking for someone to relate to so I don't feel so alone. But then if I do make that connection, what can we really do to fix it? Even if we find a solution, that person may not be who I want in this moment. I feel tired, sleepy, and a bit depressed. I know how to make myself feel better, but I'm also too tired to do it. I want to sleep and I feel heavy.

I think about the things I want to do with my life, things that will make me happy and feel accomplished. But those things are so very far away. I work and save money to acquire that which I crave, but then my other cravings pop up as well. One thing will make me feel accomplished and productive because I’ll have something I’ve always wanted and can offer that same thing to others without giving up what I’ve made. The other thing gives me something else I’ve wanted, but does not leave me feeling accomplished or genuinely connected to anyone for long, because, even if that other person has the same thing that connects us, they might not be accessing it when I am. It has another use, besides connecting me to others. It allows me to create more, but not much more than something I already have. But the thing I already have is slowly breaking down from all its usage. I’ll have to get this other thing eventually if I want to continue some parts of my creativity.

Now I hate my choices because they all seem good and justifiable. Do you know what those things I want are? I can tell you, but it would sever the ambiguity of my argument with may sever your interest in this topic which may have caught your attention.

Here goes.

The first thing I wanted is to build musical instruments. Guitars specifically, but I know better than to limit myself, so I’d work towards other stringed instruments as well. If I want to make money off this passion of mine, I’d have to offer more of what other people wanted and to make it possible, raise the prices of my products. I hate money and I hate even more that I’d have to charge so much for something I love.

The other thing is a new computer and graphics tablet. With a better, more powerful computer, I can play games I like at higher graphics and even higher speeds. I’d be able to play more effectively with people I know, but only when we both can be online at the same times. The graphics tablet would allow me to make more art and concepts of other things I love or want to make. I both love and hate this because it’ll make me want that first option even more. Also, as an artist, I absolutely hate drawing commissions I have no passion for. I’m supposed to be working on one of those commissions right now, but I have no love for it other than the act of drawing it. Then there’s my current living situation, which I wont go into. I’ll only say that I’m very unhappy, stressed, and over fed up with it. I just have to put up with it until I can move. It’s a sad thing that I look forward to going to work every night and seeing the faces of strangers more than the people I live with.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me. Thank you for reading, thank you for allowing me a bit of your time. And, most of all, I hope you don’t have to feel like I do now. If you do, or you feel worse than I do, which isn’t all that bad considering it’s not killing me. Just know that there’s always a way to feel better, whether you know how to make yourself feel better or you connected with someone and that helped you.

Have a great day!