Chapter 4 has been rewritten! · 8:48pm Nov 21st, 2016
So as you can see, after I jumped onto the rewrite train, I didn’t want to stop. Re-reading my old work in chapter four was once again a test of my patience (and my gag reflex).
Here’s what I found by reading back through the original chapter. Some of the same old problems were there as before in that Seth kept talking smack about the pony world for no reason (likely pissing off readers), acted like a total prick for no reason, and cursed every other word out of his mouth. My editors, of which I picked up two more to join the team (Dawnblaze16 and Brave-Hooves from the special chapters), were a great help in this endeavor, though it seems that rewriting is getting easier once I get a sense of how early Seth should act and how the others should interact with him. One of my greatest weakness in early writing is that the characters were there for the story, when the story should have been there for the characters.
Here were my objectives in this rewrite:
-Streamline the story’s structure and flow by rebuilding the chapter from the ground up.
-Flesh out character interaction and make each character more in line with how they’re seen in the show, or in the case of background characters, in line with my original vision without nearly as much cringe.
-Remove Seth’s unnecessary cursing
-Capture Seth’s emotions better.
-Remove all of the worthless references that serve no real purpose and only detract from the experience
Here are the notable changes in the story:
-Removed the entire scene of Seth kicking Spike, because as DezzarTac pointed out, Twilight’s home is a public library, and there’s no reason for him to bar Seth’s entry. Thus, the scene was reworked to show a little more realism. Thank you Dezzar for having patience with me.
-Once again, Seth was being a total dick by demanding all this information from Twilight without giving any of his own. Thus, I reworked the scene to show an exchange of information, and made it so Seth was annoyed with her enthusiasm and kept a bottom line for her to follow.
-Removed that god awful Yugioh GX abridged reference. “TAKE THE HINT UNICORN I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE!” Why in god’s name did I ever think that would work in a serious story setting? Why did I feel the need to blatantly rip off someone else’s work rather than write it myself? I just don’t understand the person that wrote this nearly three years ago.
-Adjust Seth’s poor view on humanity to be less narrow minded. By that, I mean he understands that he can’t sum up humanity as all thinking the same way. I want his opinion to seem as though it comes from only him, and not from me, the author. That’s certainly not my intention, because I love humanity, despite its flaws.
-and here we go. As much as I hate Lyra’s human obsession in fanfics, in the original, the way I introduced her had her OPEN with her human obsession. I was crying tears of blood as I read it. I still want the Lyra romance subplot to remain, but I don’t want it to be because he’s a human. Like, I want her original interest to stem from the fact that she likes the way he looks, not because she’s overly obsessed with humans. In my honest opinion, that’s a stupid trope and the fandom needs to drop it.
-I reworked the flashback entirely. I considered removing it, but decided not to. That flashback needs to be there in order to have that scene with Rainbow Dash and Seth make sense later. I also removed the part where he danced, as I want the aforementioned scene with RD and Seth have more impact. Seth says here he’ll never dance again, but then Rainbow reminds him so strongly of that time that it feels natural for him to dance with her. In the flashback, I reworked it so that it flowed better, and Amaryllis’s feelings towards Seth would be more apparently, despite her bitchy exterior.
-Finally, I reworked the whole Vinyl segment to make her more of a believable character rather than just a stereotypical DJ that does dubstep. How did I have the nerve to claim that Vinyl was “so much win” in the author’s note when I couldn’t even give her a distinguishable character? 
-I also made it so that asking for a job was Seth’s prerogative and suggestion.
Now then, this was a long blog post. I understand that there will be some inconsistencies. I’ll get to work on them immediately…or at least that’s what I’d like to say, but my editors are telling me I should get back to work on a Wilting Flower. But those inconsistencies trigger my OCD…what do you think? Keep rewriting or do another WF?
Anyway, make sure to reread the rewritten chapter and tell me in a comment how you feel about the changes! I’m curious as to whether or not I did a better job than the original. Your comments do mean a lot, as when I start a rewrite, I look at the comments on the original to find out what people liked and what they didn’t. *makes the pleading face*
I honestly think you should do what You want to do. If you want to satisfie your OCD, who am i to stop you.
Also i've been planning to reread this story, and i kinda feel i can't do that when it's being rewritten.
Dangit, y'all have already triggered a reread and I'm up to the Canterlot Invasion... Now I've got to go back and re-read 4 again.
I vote you work on Wilting Flower so I have more time before the next bleedin' re-read.
Alright, took me a while to get around to reading the story from beginning to the current rewrite state and I must say I enjoy it far better and am ok with you splitting your focus between WF and rewritting TOTO.
As for the changes what was most crucial to me is that Seth did not shit on Pinkie. Like honestly remembering this chapter before the rewrite I was waiting for someone to knock his teeth in. I agree with the decision of removing the scene where Spike got punted for the simple fact that if I were dropped in the middle of an alien world whose inhabitants could use magic, kicking a small child is something I would probably try and refrain from.
Also I seem to remember Twilight healing him, was that taken out or is it just in the next chapter? Oh and Seth hoboing it out under a bridge is much more believable now as it makes him seem stubborn and unwilling to take charity that both the ponies and readers can understand.
Also loving the exchange of information between Twilight and Seth as just flat out shutting her down and showing no interest in anything pony was beyond unbelievable. Wanting revenge or not if I see a flying ape shiting rainbows while singing Frozen's Let It Go, Ill probably ask a question or two about it.