Paul's Thursday Reviews LIV · 10:01pm Nov 3rd, 2016
Well, this is a little slap in the face. But it's a good slap. Y'know, the kind that brings you to your senses and helps you avoid catastrophe?
As I mentioned some time ago, one thing that's always burdened me is a desire for some quality editors/pre-readers. I mean no offense to those who have been working with me in the past, but frankly, I needed more. The last time I seriously worked on a story with someone was Twilight's Inferno, which I still consider my best story. Since then? I've been falling into an editing lull. Over the years, my writing skills dulled and lessons I'd learned were forgotten. I was aware of it, but didn't let it bother me.
But now I have some stories that I really care about, enough so that I decided to get out of my little box and ask for some help. And wow, what help I attained! For the first time in ages, editing actually involves work on my part. It's refreshing, but also troubling, as it means the editing process is taking far longer than I intended. I was supposed to have been well into all my stories at this point, probably with the first chapter of my Twilight story released this weekend. Instead, I'm still trying to polish the first chapter of the Celestia fic.
I don't regret the work. I do regret the time it's taking.
Oh well. I guess that just means my next fic will (hopefully) be worth the wait. While you're waiting, have some reviews.
Stories for This Week:
The Princess and the Beasts by Aeteros
Reformed Without Consent by RainbowBob
Que Sera, Sera by Ponydora Prancypants
Far From the Tree by Aquaman
Villain Cube Understands by Palm Palette
Total Word Count: 56,214
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 3
None: 0
The Princess and the Beasts
18,034 Words
By Aeteros
Re-Read
My thanks to Rainbow Prime for inadvertently reminding me that I once read this story.
Trixie has made her decision: Princess Twilight is the mare for her, and nopony is going to convince her otherwise. Unfortunately for her, the day she arrives in Ponyville to profess her affections, she bumps into Princess Luna, who happens to be in town for the exact same reason. Now the two must compete for the love of poor Twilight, who finds herself caught in the middle with no idea what to do about it.
As a shipper, I must say that I like this premise. Mark that, I love this premise. I could have a lot of fun watching these two butt heads over everyone’s favorite book horse. Sadly, the good stops there. The Princess and the Beasts is severely lacking in so many ways it fails to even be funny.
First off, we have the grammar. Run on sentences run rampant, commas appear in all the wrong places and fail to show up where they belong, and there are more than a few instances of confusing tense mixtures. It also seems like Aeteros could use a dictionary given the number of incorrect words used. That or learn the proper use of a thesaurus. The most memorable line in this regard is when Celestia, confronted by a weeping Twilight, claims that she – Celestia, not Twilight – is inconsolable only to immediately regain control of her temper.
The dialogue is amateur at best, rushing through moments at one point and dragging along in overly formal detail the next. Emotion is either strangled out of scenes by a lacking narrative or exaggerated to the point of ridiculous extremes. The events occur so quickly that they not only fail to evoke any personal connection, but also seem completely unreasonable. The worst instance of these are the dates Trixie and Luna individually take Twilight on, which seem to last for a total of five minutes and yet are treated like delightful and romantic experiences that melt Twilight’s heart.
And that brings up the speed at which everypony reacts to events. No evidence is given as to why the two characters love Twilight, but she’s already getting “heart palpitations” at just the thought of them. Let’s not forget Luna and Trixie developing feelings for one another in the course of a night, 95% of which we didn’t see.
Then there’s poor character usage. Cadance gets her cameo, and then the author does absolutely nothing with it. She doesn’t even get the chance to offer advice to Twilight on what to do, which is almost certainly the entire reason Celestia set them together in the first place. Or the rest of the Mane 6, who all save Rarity and Pinkie get nothing more than a two-second cameo and are then conveniently forgotten (I guess they spent all night looking for Twilight while Luna and Trixie went to bed?). Or Pinkie, who is used as little more than a plot-concluding bludgeon.
Poor grammar, incorrect word usage, amateurish dialogue, nonexistent pacing, unnatural character reactions. The only thing going for this story is the premise itself. Too bad this story fails to live up to its potential.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Reformed Without Consent
5,355 Words
By RainbowBob
Re-Read
My last RainbowBob re-read asks a simple question: what if Twilight used the reformation spell on Discord? The answer: a horrifying Equestria where everypony is brainwashed to look, think and act in exactly the same way.
It’s no secret that the concept of brainwashing scares the crap out of me, and this story hits that little weakness of mine with all the force of a sledgehammer. As a result, I can only praise the concept in general, even as I shiver at the repercussions. I am very happy Twilight didn’t get to use that spell. I’m also very concerned about the possibility of more of those spells being out there in the wide world of Equestria.
Yet the awesome premise doesn’t alleviate the issues, and there are many. It’s abundantly clear that Bob didn’t bother with prereaders for this one. Missing words, typos, and incorrect words cover this story like a carpet of debris in a post-party frat house. There are times when I was left scratching my head at the weird word combinations that drifted up, many of them nonsensical. You end up just having to assume what Bob really meant to say.
As much as I enjoy the concept and the way the story is handled on the whole, the grammar is such a horrid mess that I can’t in good conscience give this story a high rating. It’s so sloppy that I suspect Bob either wrote it with extreme swiftness and didn’t look back at anything, or was drunk at the time of writing (he’s done that kind of thing before). Neither is a good excuse for letting this stand.
I don’t consider myself a grammar enthusiast, but even I find this too much to be tolerable. So yeah, if good writing is important to you, don’t even try.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Que Sera, Sera
15,437 Words
By Ponydora Prancypants
Re-Read
When a great dragon, the most powerful being in the world, is awakened and prepares to destroy Equestria, Celestia knows she is beaten. But she also knows – has known for a long time – that this was coming, and what it means for Twilight and her friends. In order to preserve history, she must see to it that the the future unravels as expected. And once it does, the Mane 6 and Spike have some serious decisions to make.
When Que Sera, Sera first came out, it was nothing short of a bombshell. Reviewers raved, the thumbs up button turned red hot, and it was featured on every major pony-related site. The way everyone talked, it was as if this story was the lost masterpiece of Terry Pratchett.
Having re-read the story, I still don't know why.
Abundant LUS; awkward dialogue early on that gets abandoned quickly despite being pointed out as the norm; abuse of dialogue over narration; reliance on pre-built character association to generate emotion; ridiculous character behavior (I’m looking at you, Luna); abundance of exposition. There are literary issues found throughout this supposed masterpiece that some of my better editors would skewer me over, and they combine to strangle the emotional power of the story and instill in me only a half-interest.
Don’t get me wrong. The one thing this story has going for it is the premise, which is wonderful. I’d wager that it is the premise alone that caught everyone’s attention so thoroughly when it was first released. But it is written in a style that is downright clunky, skipping over all the potential character growth in favor of jumping straight to the big pieces of meat. This is an idea that deserves to be a methodically prepared four-course meal, and instead we’re served the fast food combo.
I wasn’t all that impressed when the story first came out, and I’m no more impressed now. If it didn’t lean almost exclusively on dialogue for its emotional power then I might have been more swayed, but that combined with everything else it does poorly makes me turn away from the masses and shake my head in bewilderment.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Far From the Tree
10,457 Words
By Aquaman
Re-Read
It is a curious element of cartoons that in most of them, the characters never age. While I understand the concept, I always felt this was a limiting element. The actors age. The writers age. The readers age. Having the characters age seems to me like a natural option, with far more advantage regarding character growth and universe advancement.
And here we have Far From the Tree. Taking place a few years after the show, it begins with Applejack coming in from a long day’s work only to find her now-teenage sister having a little fun with a colt in her bedroom. The discovery forces Applejack to come to terms with a lot of things.
In a way, this could be considered a character study of Applejack. I loved the way she is interpreted in this story, from her reaction to her eventual solution. The long talk she has with the colt never stops being interesting for a variety of reasons. For one, we get some insight into AJ’s manner of thinking, and also into Apple Bloom’s. What really interested me, however, was Applejack’s – and by extension, the author’s – manner of interpreting physical actions.
If there’s anything I have trouble focusing on when writing, it’s the small physical cues and what they can mean. I consider myself a very poor writer for character ticks and body language, despite my regular attempts to overcome the hurdle. Seeing someone else demonstrate small motions and expressions with detail and offering their meaning is a treat, and perhaps a learning experience.
If I had to point out something potentially negative in the story, I would have to say that people might consider it too dense. For me, this is more of a boon than a disqualifier, because it shies away from the overabundance of dialogue that has become the norm in today’s literature. The cost of the writing style is a significantly padded length, but I feel it’s a worthy sacrifice for a deeper view of the ongoing events. The more impatient may disagree, hence the reason I bring it up.
This is a story about growing up and moving on, and I think it’s stellar. I can’t help but wish we had more like it.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Villain Cube Understands
6,661 Words
By Palm Palette
This was a runner up for the 10th F*** This Prompt contest by Rage Reviews. It goes to show why comedy is not my best element.
So, Pinkie and Spike decide to visit the Equestria Girls world, and while they are doing so, the other Pinkie comes to Equestria. Unfortunately, the mirror portal slightly shakes the boundaries of reality every time it is used, and this time the visit leads to a being from another dimension coming to Ponyville. That entity is Villain Cube, a floating… uh… cube, which goes on about philosophy while setting things on fire. Most of the Mane 6 try to talk it into not burninating everything nearby, but human-world Pinkie Pie is more practical: she just wants to blow it up.
Alright, I’ll admit, the story (and the cube in particular) is witty and kinda creative. It involves some good Pinkie writing, which is never easy, and the overall repartee is indeed amusing at times.
Even so, I wasn’t half as amused as I imagine others will be. Some of the jokes were outright terrible – especially the one focused on Scootaloo, which struck me as in poor taste. And as clever as the dialogue got at times, none of it had an effect on me.
I don’t think this is the fault of the author, though. Rather, I feel that I’m just not the target audience. Others may – and, given its placement in the contest for which it was written, do – find it hilarious. For me, it’s just a hair-scratching “what?” from beginning to end. I won’t tell anyone not to read it, because I honestly think a lot of you will get a kick out of it.
But yeah, not for me. I’ll give it a middle-ground rating, because while I didn’t get into it, I also know it’s not the author’s fault.
Bookshelf: Worth It
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I remember when InquistorM praised White Space as a masterpiece and I felt good about myself. Then his next review he completely tore into Que Sera Sera and I felt even better about myself
You seem quite contrary today, sir.
4283942
I figured someone would point that out. I wrote those comments back when I feared how others would react to them, suspecting that if so many supposedly great people loved the story then I must be wrong for thinking otherwise. So I scrounged for good things to say and tried to keep my remarks as positive as possible.
I'm not afraid to tell people how I really think nowadays.
4283917
Oh, he did, did he? Good, then I know I'm not the only one.
4283946
Ah, good. The dark spirits of reviewing have come unto you and opened up your heart to their midnight humours.
Though IIRC I liked Que Sera, Sera, I haven't read it since... 2013 probably.
Sorry to hear that first one's not worth it. That premise sounds fantastic. D:
I know that one. Pascoite was kind enough to look over something from me that wanted to become a writeoff entry at the time, and the cringe was real. "I knew that once. I still know that. Why didn't I catch that myself?" were thoughts I had more than once. I guess writing comes down to it just like any other craft: use it or lose it.
You're not wrong about Que Sera... I have nothing against it, but I'm ambivalent to it and found that it was really relying on an emotional payoff that opened tons of plotholes at the same time... and ethical implications.