The Document of PGS: Chapter 12 (In the Mud and Sinking Deeper) · 12:07am Oct 23rd, 2016
First of all, I apologize for the delay in getting 13 out the door. I've had some IRL business that distracted me this week (important stuff, and good stuff, don't worry), and part of my month was also eaten up by my participation in another Writeoff Association contest. My entry won the bronze, by the way, despite being hastily proofread and having narrative flaws that should have gotten it eliminated in the preliminary round (you don't want to know what I had to do to get those votes). You can read it here, if you'd like.
Unlike "Teach Me Goodness," which not only won the gold in its contest, but was well-reviewed enough for me to post it immediately after the conclusion of the Writeoff, I don't think this one will darken FiMfiction for some time. It needs far more extensive rewrites than I'm capable of investing into it at the moment, when I already have a chapter of PGS that I desperately want to finish before November, and Murphy's Law, which hasn't been updated since July. So, if you're curious about that story, go give it a looksee.
But if you're reading this, then chances are, you're here to read about Horsepionage. Well, who am I to...
...keep you waiting?
This one was rewritten a few times, although each rewrite followed the same basic order of events that I outlined way back in forever ago. The biggest change, however, I won't get into just yet, since it spoils some stuff that happens in the following chapter. I can say that Cherry Jubilee wasn't a part of the chapter at its inception, and in fact, I hadn't decided what her fate would be until after 11 was published.
Twilight and Snake were originally going to come across a group of foals who survived the mind-controlling and bleeding of the rest of Dodge. They were there as part of some fun weekend outing to pick cherries for no wages so that Cherry's ranch hands could knock off early and go beat their wives (or husbands; Equestria is a matriarchy), and survived the three days between the fall of Dodge and TwiSnake's arrival by hiding in Cherry's barn (the mystery egg and tunnel moved around a bit, geographically speaking, at one point being in the orchard, at another, being in Cherry's basement). They subsisted off dried cherries and cherry-apple cider; it was a hoot.
There were six of 'em, but three in particular had an uncanny mental connection that caused their thoughts and experiences to kind of blend together. Essentially, it was the same thing that happened with Cherry; they still had a lingering tie to the hive mind, so they'd say weird things a lot. They didn't speak in cryptic poetry and Bloodborne references, like Cherry, however. Actually, remnants of their dynamic can be found in, of all things, the CMC's interactions in the last chapter of "Teach Me Goodness." Scootaloo's big laugh line ("I can smell colors!") is a riff on a line from the original version of 12.
Although, in that story, they don't have an insidious mental connection.
To sum it up, in the final batch of rewrites and restructurings, I cut the kids altogether, moved the egg/tunnel to the barn, and stuck Cherry back into the mix. I'd post excerpts from that version of the chapter, but, again... spoilers.
Killjoy and the Guard were relatively late additions as well. The Guard was referenced back in 9 as being deployed to the frontier in pursuit of changelings, but weren't actually going to appear in the story. It was a background element which would be significant in the long-run, but wasn't a part of the story as originally planned. Killjoy herself was going to appear; unlike the specific members of her company, she wasn't invented for 12. Now, working her and the expeditionary force into the story was, to be honest, a lot of fun. I hope reading about them was as much fun as writing about them was. There's only so much passive-aggressive snarking between Twilight and Snake that one can read before it gets tedious, after all.
Although I do love writing scenes between those two, don't get me wrong.
Killjoy's already been discussed on the character sheet, so I won't repeat myself too much with her. All I'll say is that, if the Operator is Revolver Ocelot by way of Skull Face, Killjoy is Meryl Silverburgh by way of Kara Thrace: competent, kind of a slut, compulsive drinker, etc. etc.
Also, Danny objected to me referring to her mane as "vermilion," because he apparently has never played Pokemon in his life. Fucker.
Jinglebell was originally far more flamboyant (some might say flaming), until I realized that, between his personality and his character design, he was basically turning into a ponified Stephen Magnet. So I just turned him into a winged version of Dr. Dark Roast, with a bit more in the way of histrionics. I also toyed with the idea of Snake referring to him as Aegon Frey in retaliation for being called a homo constantly, but figured that the reference was too obscure for the audience to understand, as well as an unlikely reference for Snake to make (although I had him reference Voyager, so maybe that's just me being inconsistent with my characters).
Goosefeathers, there isn't much to say about. Her name's a reference to Top Gun, but that's kind of the most remarkable thing about her. She was just written to be a straight-laced subordinate to contrast with Killjoy's more brazen, free-wheeling command style. A Spock to Killjoy's Kirk, if you will. Steel Wool's name came to me in a moment of brilliance as I was writing Killjoy's opening speech.
A few people have pointed out that Cherry (and Cherry-possessed-by-Chrysalis) quotes Vulcan Raven and Revolver Ocelot at various points in her scenes. I'm usually loathe to point out tidbits like this (I only highlighted the Far Cry 2 shout-out because it was so obscure that I didn't think anybody could possibly get it), but she actually quotes or paraphrases every member of FOXHOUND besides Decoy Octopus at least once. A couple other characters, too. Go see if you can find 'em all. There's a prize in it for you if you can!
The last specific thing I want to comment on is Cherry Jubilee's shotgun, which is my response to the question of how a pony would operate firearms without having the necessary anatomy to do so. The answer is that they wouldn't, at least not normally. The gun Cherry has is an heirloom, of minotaur origin, and heavily modified to be used by a pony.
Guns exist in MLP canon. Or at least, bullets do, so one assumes guns exist. However, I have never liked or been satisfied with any of the ways I've seen ponies depicted as using firearms. Every time I read something that features a pony firing a gun with their mouth, I cringe a little. The engineering and anatomical issues are insurmountable for me. No, unless it's a unicorn, a pony would either have to operate the gun with their limbs like a reasonable person, which means the gun would have to be usable by someone with pony anatomy, or just not use guns at all. So, in this version of Equestria, guns do exist, but are only prevalent outside of Equestria, common among with races that have hands and digits. Minotaurs and griffons both use guns, although they're archaic compared to the firearms that you see the humans using. Bolt, pump, and lever-action guns, breech-loaders, revolvers. Some self-loading guns, although I'd think that they'd be single-action, like the M1911. Nothing in the way of SMGs or assault rifles, and semi-auto battle rifles are still in the offing. In short, I'd put Pony!World guns at about WWI levels of sophistication.
Hickory's gun (that's not a spoiler' it's in Cherry's entry in the character sheet) is a break-action, because breech-loaders seem like the only kind of firearm a pony could reasonably operate. Pull the trigger, slide the shells out, load up new ones. Easy-peasy. Now, the reloading would be a bitch, naturally, and would require some engineering jiggery-pokery to make it practical. You don't see it in the chapter, but Cherry's saddlebags hold a sort of custom-made speed-loader: this bit of spring-loaded, two-pronged doohickery, operated via tongue.
I don't want to say too much more about this one, because this chapter and the next were supposed to be one big chapter, and I'd rather comment on stuff like the golems, and Snake's and Twilight's very tenuous friendship, once everything's all said and done. So hold your proverbial horses until then.
At this point would it be easier to just officially rename this story Horsepionage?
Looking forward to the chapter!
Horam-Bei.
4267106 I've thought of several different new titles for the story, honestly, because the title is one of the biggest regrets that I have about it, but after all these frickin' years, it feels like it's too late to just up and rebrand it.
So I just call it Horsepionage.
4267140 You already blabbed that in the comments section over a month ago. Jerk.
4267160
Just making sure you never live it down.