More samples of "Equestria: Civil War" rewrites · 5:56am Sep 29th, 2016
Fast as lightning, sharp as a sword
Here's another section from chapter 2:
“Twilight, I haven’t truly had any regrets in helping you realize your potential as a princess until recently,” Celestia continued. “But recounting all of these events, both before and after your ascension, I believe you are a bit too comfortable with your own friendship lessons to know the difference between friendship opportunities and actual threats to Equestria.”
“But Princess, I—”
“Please let me finish,” Celestia spoke over Twilight. “I asked you before to stay in Ponyville only to make friends. And you’ve made many friends. In fact, the fruits of your labors are sitting in this room with us right now.” She gestured over the table to Twilight’s six companions (Starlight slouched even more, now hidden behind the table completely). “Which was the only thing I had intended for you on that front,” she went on. “You were to make friends that you could trust and respect, which would in turn revive the Elements of Harmony. Technically, there should no longer have been a reason for you to continue making friends at that point.”
“I think it would be prudent to add,” Thunderbolt resumed, “that your exploits as the latest princess have not been as successful as I’m sure you’d be willing to believe. While many in Equestria see you as strong, competent, and fair, many, especially after today, would prefer the term . . . ‘lenient’.”
There was another dead silence as Twilight felt her heart plummet. All she could do was stare pleadingly at her former mentor. Celestia did not look back—in fact, she looked as though she hadn’t even noticed Twilight was looking.
Twilight had never felt more betrayed by a mere look.
“What does ‘lenient’ mean?” Pinkie piped up, breaking the silence.
“It means she shows mercy . . .” Starlight mumbled, pulling herself upright only enough to make herself heard. “It means she’s soft . . . .”
“You wanna speak up over there, missy?” Thunderbolt started on her as he approached her, as quickly as a cheetah on the savannah. “Or are you just used to hiding from justice after screwing up ponies’ lives?” If it was possible to sink even lower, Starlight did it right then.
“Thunderbolt, enough,” Celestia ordered, glancing at him for only a moment. Thunderbolt merely sniffed and stepped back a short step.
“’Lenient’? Yeah, I’ll bet if you’d seen that epic battle against Tirek, you’d think differently!” Rainbow Dash snapped, getting up from her seat again.
“And we sealed Discord in stone once before,” Applejack said, also getting up, “and if it could be done before, Elements or no, I’m willin’ to bet we could find another way to do it again!”
“I’m sorry, Princess, but none of this is particularly fair to Twilight,” Rarity also got up to say. “She’s been a noble and fearless leader, doing only what’s right!”
“JUSTICE FOR TWILYYYY!!” Pinkie squealed, jumping up and standing on the table.
Not even bothering to speak, Thunderbolt ignited his horn, and in seconds, all those who’d removed themselves from their seats (everyone except Starlight and Fluttershy) was encased in a magical aura. A split-second later, each pony’s aura flung them back to the table and planted each of them firmly back in their chairs before fading.
“I think you’ve had your say!” Thunderbolt commanded, his eyes as razor-sharp as his tone. “But excuses won’t help you fix the damage that’s been done.”
“You can say that again . . .” Dash grumbled under her breath. She, Pinkie, Rarity, Applejack and Twilight groaned as they rubbed their seats in pain.
“I told you to keep your bloody mouth shut, girl!” the captain growled at Dash. “With me in the room knowing all the crap you and that pink one have pulled, you’re lucky that’s the only pain in the butt you’re getting from me!”
“Thunderbolt!” Celestia boomed. “I said enough!” Thunderbolt glanced back at the princess with narrowed eyes, but complied, sitting on the floor in a dignified pose. After another pause, Celestia released a heavy sigh.
“I’m sorry, my little ponies,” she lamented. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way. But I haven’t been very firm, and that’s largely why things have turned out the way they have. I allowed you to reform Discord instead of just keeping him in stone, and that’s what led to his betrayal. I should have taken measures against users of the Alicorn Amulet, instead of just having it locked away. I should have done what needed doing and sealed off the mirror portal permanently. And I should have placed Starlight Glimmer under arrest for her magical crimes.”
Starlight released another whine from her seat.
“But I was confident in you, Twilight,” Celestia went on morosely. “I thought your lessons would help you make decisions better than I could. But it ended up failing. Far worse than I could imagine. Even your friends have been too merciful on those who hadn’t deserved it. Because of them, a rogue ex-WonderBolt cadet, a pair of charlatans, and a crooked fashion designer are still in the wind, Discord’s shown no signs of remorse, and don’t even start me on the ‘Mare-Do-Well’ incident . . . few moments have made me more disappointed in my student then when I heard you’d done that . . . .” Another sigh, and Celestia pressed on. “But that’s not the point. Things have to change, Twilight. Ponies are afraid. Your decisions must be regulated, as must the ponies you claim to trust.”
“Princess, I don’t regret my actions,” Twilight spoke up. “You taught me that friendship is important. I’m using your lessons for the better of Equestria.”
“Your way doesn’t always work, Princess,” Thunderbolt said, his tone level for once. “And there needs to be a plan in place when it doesn’t.”
Twilight finally felt true frustration begin to boil over in her. She fought to keep herself from shuddering in rage, and fought even harder to keep her voice level. “With all due respect, Captain, if you’re going to start regulating every move that my friends and I make, I deserve to know why. This couldn’t just be because of the accident in Ponyville. What brought this up all of a sudden?”
Thunderbolt opened his mouth to answer, but Celestia held up a hoof, and he stayed silent. There was another pause, this one seeming to imply Celestia mentally preparing an answer.
“Not really ‘what’,” she finally answered, “as much as ‘who’.”
Twilight sighed, her fight against the anger taxing her. “All right, then. ‘Who’ brought this up?!”
“That would be me.”
Another new voice hit the conference hall, and the presumed ninth seat entered, a cream-colored mare with horn-rimmed glasses, orange and purple mane done up in a bun, and a heavy, itchy black sweater.
And here's a sample of the rewrite for Chapter Four (not a lot of change in Chapter Three, except much of the same):
“And once we’re allowed to vote on this, you can bet that I’ll be supporting you all the way, Starlight,” Twilight assured, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “We can prove you’re a good pony. And even if we lose the vote, we’ll make as many appeals as we’re allowed to fight it.”
“I wouldn’t plan your appeal speech so early, Princess.”
The seven mares all turned to see Thunderbolt emerging from the castle entrance, looking over them all with a cocked eyebrow and a superior smirk.
Dash groaned loudly and rolled her eyes, and Fluttershy rushed to hide behind Applejack, who stood staunchly and glared back at the old captain.
“And I wouldn’t lose faith in true Equestrian justice, Captain,” Twilight snapped back, now ready for the captain’s vitriolic attitude. “Celestia knows how hard I’ve worked, and how far we’ve all come. You can’t undo that just because you’re the new captain of the guard! I don’t care how good and virtuous you think you are! You make this ‘checks and balances’ nonsense a reality, and you sign over all of these genuinely good ponies to a lifetime of misery!”
The smirk disappeared, and the eyebrow lowered, and the difference between the two looks was palpable. Thunderbolt slowly crept up to Twilight, closer and closer, to the point where it seemed as though he were about to instigate a bare-hoofed brawl. Dash dropped to the ground and charged, but was held back by Applejack.
Finally, Thunderbolt stopped just before his nose touched that of the princess, and he spoke with a quiet fury that made his earlier tirade inside the palace pale by comparison:
“I’ll be ‘signing their lives’ over to real Equestrian justice. And don’t you dare tell me what misery is. Wait until you see what monsters like her,” he pointed to Starlight Glimmer, “are really capable of. What they can do to you . . . your family . . . your whole world . . . then, and only then, you can come back and talk to me about misery.”
Twilight was stricken breathless by the old stallion’s bitter words. They weren’t the words of an old army pony. They weren’t even the words of a grizzled old stallion. They were pained, tempered with rage, and dripping with the very misery he spoke of. His eyes matched perfectly—as sharp and stony as his glare was, it sparkled with what Twilight knew had to be genuine tears.
He stepped back and walked past Twilight, giving a snort and shaking out his short, salt-and-pepper mane as he trudged away. The seven mares stood in perfect silence long after Thunderbolt had left, not even asking what should happen next or where they should be. The occasional glance punctuated the pause, but no sound was made for quite a while.
Until at last, after what seemed like hours, Starlight uttered something that only sounded like abject failure:
“Monster . . . .”
“Don’t you listen to him, Starlight,” Twilight urged, piercing her with her eyes. “We’re a team, and we’re your friends. We won’t let this happen, no matter what.”
Starlight nodded, but did not speak. Rainbow Dash had already speculated it, but nopony else quite knew for sure. It was in her eyes, though. A deep, pensive look in her eyes was all it took to know.
Starlight Glimmer had indeed, given up.
What do you guys think?
By the way, "Can Ya Fix Her?" just hit 400 likes! And it's STILL FEATURED!!! 
You guys are awesome! Thank you!
Stay quick, stay sharp, and thanks for reading! 
This is more interesting! Still hate him do.
Never liked Thunderbolt so thanks for making his pony counterpart almost as punch worthy as his comics self.
Something BAD happened to someone in the captain's close ones, then. Like to C.A. 3's "Jaguarman" (forgot his name).
Nice take on Celestia's character. I am eager to read about the positions the 2 other princesses will take.
4232156 You mean Black Panther? Also known as King T'challa of Wakanda?
4232157
Yes, Black Panther, who loses his father in the movie because of the bad guy disguised as the Winter Soldier.
4232159 And goes after the Winter Solider, with the bad guy knowing someone will catch him and make him easier to get to, so he could get all the info he needed out of him and lure him, Cap and Tony to the Hydra outpost!
God, I love that movie!
I'm already excited, and we still haven't gotten to my favorite scene from the film yet. The Airport fight scene.
Moon Dancer: I'm just trying to keep you from tearing Equestria apart!
Twilight: You did that when you proposed that act.
4232219
Totally.
I think we will read some powerful moments when formerly close ponies will clash for everything they stand for, for some, to protect their friends and family for others, ... even if it may mean protecting them against their own will.
Here's another possible speech :
Twilight : "If you want to protect me... why are we fighting?"
Cadance : "Because I want to protect you... from your own, boundless leniency!"
Seems like Thunderbolt's becoming a mix of Ross and Zemo (I don't say T'Challa, because he was somewhat reasonable).
4232219
4232410 *Eagerly writing lines down*
4232536 I didn't want Thunderbolt to be just some shoehorned-in character who's only purpose was to fix Celestia's character. I wanted to give him a hint of depth for the fleeting moments he'd be in the story. And he will be back.
It's pretty good, although I think this line is OOC:
I think it would be better if she said something like, "I never intended for you to make friends with ex-criminals," although even that makes her look like a bit of a hypocrite because her own sister is a major ex-villain.
4232654 Good point. But I guess it's different with flesh and blood. If Twilight and Starlight were sisters, I'd go a bit easier on her. Not much, but a bit.
This sounds really intresting! Hope this story gets updated soon! :)