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Sep
21st
2016

Critique Review: Death to Nightmare · 11:33am Sep 21st, 2016






A lot of ponies have been asking me ‘Critique, why don’t you review some good fanfics? Surely, these awful fan fics will cause you to go insane. And would you please stop making so many dick jokes?’


And I say ‘I would review better fics if ponies didn’t make shit like today’s story!’


Wanna see a fic that has a green lightsaber, solely because the author figured out that if you put a pic of Celestia sticking her massive boobs out at people, it will appeal to the 13 year-old Michael Bay crowd?


Something that a lot of fanfic writers have figured out. Hell, they’ll thrown in a sexual image as the cover art for the fic, even though it has nothing to do with the fucking fic!


The current image is something that was censored from a previous image, but probably not before getting the current following the story has, as it apparently has been put into the ‘Fics that I think are good’ group.


Well, at least this uninspired piece of shit has one fan.


But I’m getting ahead of myself. I ought to tell you the title of our fic. Though… you’ve probably guessed it by now. It’s Cupcakes.



Alright, fine. It’s a story called Death to Nightmare


And honestly, I’m good with not having nightmares about a killer psycho clown, thank you. Maybe this fic won’t be so bad. How does it start?

Tom an Average Joe, saves a girl from an attempted rape.

… Well, that sure went fucking dark!



At least it’s a completely appropriate subject for comedy. Oh, wait, I said that wrong, I meant to say, it’s completely not the appropriate subject for a comedy. Because apparently rape and death are funny.


On top of that, when he dies, he is placed within the body of Nightmare Moon. And I’m hoping that means that he had his head shoved up Nightmare Moon’s fat ass as her punishment for trying to make sleepovers last alot longer.


Our story begins as they always seem to, with the author being completely incompetent of storytelling.

Tom was working on his computer late at night on personal stuff. He was a twenty-five year-old guy that most would consider average.

What kind of personal stuff? Oh, he’s a 25 year old brony who is writing erotic fanfiction about being inside Luna, I think you know.



But of course the story couldn’t tell us that because why would story want to make it’s character unlikable. After all, we’ve already established that he’s going to be unfairly judged for the sins of another person. Making it possible for him to be blamed for things that aren’t really his fault, but it will make us feel sorry for him anyway.


Not true. Because those sins and faults are what make Luna all the more interesting and make her a better character as a result. As we learn she can be subject to her emotions and make decisions without thinking through things.


BAM! I just figured out the author’s clever plan by using my superpower of ‘Reading enough of these fics to know exactly what is going to happen before I even read it because these human in Equestria fics are pretty much the same fucking story, bar a few minutes of find and replace.’


The plot is the main character is a human and he goes to Equestria to become a pony. So far, so generic. But the story could take this opportunity for some parody, eye rolling, self-referential camp. In which the main character comes up to Twilight asking her to have sex and Twilight leaving his balls cold as she explains that she’s not going to have sex with somepony she just met and is not sexually attracted to.


5 bucks says the story doesn’t go that route, since it tries to build up our character as a tragic figure. In this comedy.

He had a part time job, with his few friends who make him less lonely since his parents were dead since they had him late in life.

Oh, dead parents, huh? Wait, ‘had him late in life’? What were his parents’ age? Late 70’s? Thank you, story. Now all I can picture is a graphic image of my grandparents fucking.

But he was content, at least every part of him but his stomach, which was growling. With a sigh, he got up and went to the kitchen. He looked around, but nothing appealed to him.

Instead of going through the fridge and describing everything to the audience that nothing appeals to him, we are just going to assume that the author has no time for that, because he needs to get another dirty sock and some more lotion.

“Guess I have to go out, then.”


Luckily for him, a McDonald's was close by, and he could walk there. He locked up his apartment and headed out for his meal.

Oh, I sure hope this meal has some kind of consequence or reason for it to exist, otherwise, what would be the fucking point?


If you have read these reviews long enough, you know that that doesn’t fucking happen. He goes to McyDees, buys a burger, walks out. I’m only slightly exaggerating. What was the point of him being at an apartment? Was it to establish that he lives in some kind of house? Thank you, but I don’t think your audience is stupid.


Was it to establish that human beings need to eat? Oh, is that why their stomach growls? I always assumed that they had xenomorphs growing in their guts and that’s why humans are banned in Equestria. As opposed to their shity fanfics.


Why couldn’t he be on the street to begin with? Looking at his life and how much it would be improved by technicolored horses in it? It would still be shit, but it wouldn’t be pointless on top of that. These first four paragraphs don’t make any sense in the context of the story since none of it comes back later and nothing establishes our character.


Is he a slob? A neat freak? Somewhere in between? What does his clothing suggest? Does he care about his appearance, spending hours on a single hairdo or outfit? Or does he throw on the first shirt that he can find that doesn’t have spunk stains on the bottom?


What does his job suggest? It mentions a part time job, but it never says what the hell that is. Is he a cashier and has to stand in a position for long periods of time? Or does he work for a government agency killing terrorist in extremely controversial ways? Does he love his job? Does he hate his job? Why does he hate his job if he does? Does he want something more?


And as for ‘personal stuff’ on the computer. Does that mean he’s watching pony porn? Is he playing an MMO? Writing this shitty story? What the hell does ‘personal stuff’ mean?


Starting to see why these first few paragraphs don’t really set up anything. In a good story, the author would take this first chapter to establish our character, his personality and his world that is the norm. Using the environment to tell us who this person is. But all this does is turn him into ‘Generic Human-turned-Pony #8,400,038,800,000,283.’ And I’m pretty sure there aren’t that many people on the fucking planet.

After a nice meal, he walked back home. But when he crossed an alley entrance, he heard a female scream. He looked and saw a girl being cornered by a guy with a knife. Tom ran over and punched the guy in the face as he looked behind him.

So, from the wording of this sentence, Tom ran up to the guy, turned his head away from him to look behind him and then punched the guy in the face. Sentence structure is important people.


Yes, I left that comma out for a reason. Thank you for pointing that out.


After saving the woman from being raped, in a comedy, Tom gets stabbed in the gut by the rapists, with him bleeding to death in the alleyway. In this comedy about comedy.


Well, it must be working, because his death sure made me happy. Well, it sure was awful, but at least it was short.



What do you mean, ‘it’s the first chapter’? But he died in an alleyway?


What, does Death just have an extended holiday and the guy they got they got to cover her is really bad at the job? Because this is the second time that death has chosen not to reap someone in a story. It makes me want to go to each of the character’s houses, cap them in the head, waiting for Death to show up to bring them back to life, cap her in the head and then fuck the corpse.


See, people?! That’s how you describe a character’s personality with dialogue! Class dismissed, now get the fuck out of my classroom, I’ve got porn to look up.

He felt cold, and that was not a good sign. He guessed he was dying.

Either you aren’t or you are. Never guess when telling a story. Never say ‘it seemed’ or ‘she guessed’. DO OR DO NOT!

Thank you, Mr. Spock.

'Crap,' he thought to himself. 'This is the end. Well, there are worse ways to go than saving a girl from danger. Beautiful moon tonight.' From where he lay, he saw a full moon, but it wasn't the traditional white. It was red.

I’m pretty sure that this is not how a person thinks after being stabbed in the gut. I’m fairly certain that they say ‘Oh, god. Please, Critique, don’t kill me. Oh, god.’


Tom then transports into another world and sees that he’s no longer the man he used to be. Not that he was much of one to begin with.

“Why am I a pegasus? Wait! What the heck!?” Tom's voice was different. Regal, but feminine in nature. He moved a rear leg and looked. And he saw, clear as day, female bits.

The story tells us this so that we know the first thing Tom is going to fuck is his money. He’s the merriest of the sues.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Tom knew nothing more than blackness.

So he screamed so hard that he passed out? What the fuck, story?


Fortunately, after a good night rest, Tom awakens and finds that he’s really rather comfortable with suddenly being dead and being a giant alicorn. I mean, why wouldn’t he be? He can now masterbate by sticking a lollypop up his vagina.

It was sunlight that finally awoke Tom. He, or more appropriately, she, squinted before groaning and lifting her head. The freaking sun was coming right through a hole in the wall. She felt something shift on her back and the sunlight got blocked. Opening her eyes again, she saw that a wing had come between her eyes and the sun.


'Handy. Okay, I'm stuck in a pegasus body in who-knows-where. The only way to find out is to move around, so I have to figure out this new body.'

Tom wanders into town, trying to figure out where he is, but he’s just trying to save face for the story. He knows exactly where he is. When the star of the show appears and screams running for big sister, Twilight.

Tom started working on her back legs and pushed up, only to start to slip. After a couple of minutes, she was standing up for the first time. Tom spent a few minutes revelling in her small victory. Taking another look around, she noticed scraps of metal and scorch marks near a window. That window could get her a better view of the area. She slowly approached the window and got halfway there when she heard a yelp of shock. Tom looked around to see a strange purple and green lizard standing on two legs. The two stared at each other before the little lizard turned and ran, screaming.


“Wow, that sounded like a human scream,” Tom said to herself, still trying to get used to that voice.

Oh, my god. It’s almost as though this show was made by people.


And when our main character is called his name, he has this reaction.

“Nightmare Moon? Seriously, you are calling me that? You’ve got to be kidding me. You are kidding me, right? I mean, that’s a cheap bad guy name at the level of Evil Emperor Zerg. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's rich! And to think, me, a bad guy! Or…gal, in this case.” That got Tom laughing again, and even managed to hold her barrel, as the situation was too comical to her.

You want to make fun of Nightmare Moon’s name? Really? You? With the most bland, boring, uninspired, common, run of the mill, nothing special about you at all name in the universe. Tom? Fucking Tom? ‘Oh, no! Here’s comes the evil Tom! He’s the king of all evil!’ Or perhaps he’s suppose to be the hero. “In the sky, it’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Tom! Oh, Tom! Our hero!’


Fuck those names like Superman or Maleficent! No, no. Tom is the fucking name that everyone should aspire to be. Not Sombra or Discord. They should be renamed Steve and Drew.


Also, Friendship is Magic already has a Tom, thank you very much. And a fic about him having sex with the main six would be so much better than this story.

To say Twilight was shocked would be the understatement of the year.

I’m sorry, but this bothers me. The story takes place from the main character’s point of view, but it just said that it knows who Twilight Sparkle is, despite not knowing who Twilight is! Yes, the story is in third person, but so far, it’s only been in the perspective of one person! It’s not the omnipresent view that knows all and sees all!


And even if it was, it isn’t consistent! Cause it goes from not knowing who Spike is when he first sees him to just suddenly knowing who Twilight is. When taking the point of view of a character, even in third person, know what they know! That means if the character doesn’t know Twilight’s name, that portion of the character’s narration should not mention it!


I know there are rules that break that, but the story doesn’t understand the basics of those rules. You need to have a firm grasp on the rules before you can break them.


Anyway, Twilight asks Spike to write a letter to Princess Celestia, since Nightmare Moon is laughing like a fucking maniac and without the Elements of Harmony to kill her, they’re probably shitting themselves. Oh, and the other five ponies are there… I guess…

Meanwhile, Nightmare Moon was still laughing her flank off, and that was too much for AJ.


“Now listen here, Nightmare Moon! This is serious.” Nightmare Moon managed to get down to a chuckle before responding.

Oh, by the way, did I mention the dialogue on this thing?


Applejack talks to her like she’s fucking Freakazoid, who never takes anything seriously and sees everything as a skit for his comedy. The problem? THIS IS FUCKING NIGHTMARE MOON! One of Equestria’s deadliest villains! The one who tried to kill you by knocking you off a cliff! Who sent a manticore at your so you could earn you manticore slaying cutie mark! Who tried to make it so that star-gazing was a fulltime job!


Why are you talking to her like she’s fucking Apple Bloom?!


Do you do that to all your villains?


:ajbemused: Now, Tirek, you better stop draining ponies souls out of their butts right now, or I’m a send you to your room.


Applejack was later found dead with her soul sucked out her butt. It was extremely sexy.


Augh, can you believe I’m still on the first fucking chapter?

“Serious? That's kind of hard, considering I have six small horses that belong in a kid’s show calling me a silly villain’s name. I'm expecting a musical number at some point.”

I don’t think you are in a position to make fun of a show who’s writing quality is FAR superior to yours.


Oh, and how is Celestia in this? Is she unfairly made a villain because clearly Luna is better in every way because reasons?

“Dear Twilight, I just checked on my sister and she was sleeping in. She gave me Tartarus for disturbing her sleep. Why have you asked me to check on her? Even she is now curious. Your fellow Princess, Celestia.”

Perfect. 10/10.


I mean, why care about a threat coming back from the dead to terrorize your citizens and rape your women? No, no. The important thing is that Luna got her beauty sleep. I’m sure that will bring parents comfort as they watch their children march into the gas chambers.

“Don't look at me. I have had nothing but questions since I found myself here like this last night. And please stop calling me that silly villain name. I know the name doesn't match the gender right now, but until something better comes up, call me Tom. That was my name before all of this.” There was seven jaw drops at that reveal before Twilight recovered.

And the ponies just believe that Nightmare Moon is a human who jerks off to their greatest moment videos for no reason.

What, it makes it easier to befriend Nightmare Moon after all the evil shit that she’s done to them. Even though all of them were suspicious of even fucking Discord! And he’s a better villain than Nightmare Moon!

And just in case you’re wondering, no Fluttershy hasn’t even been mentioned yet, so it’s impossible to even use that as an excuse.


But, we need to move on, there is so much story to cover and I’m still on fucking chapter one. Rainbow Dash threatens him and Tom invokes one of the oldest cliches while being a narrow minded idiot.

“Where I come from, a rainbow is the icon for those who are attracted to the same sex. So we have a female here acting more like a male, and has that color scheme. You can see why I find it a bit amusing.” Rainbow Dash snorted and she swore she saw steam come out of her nostrils.

Because if you admire anything about rainbows or colors, you are automatically attracted to members of the same sex. Stereotyping is fun!


Twilight and the others suggest heading to Canterlot to figure out what is going on when a chariot arrives to escort them.

Tom picked a chariot and climbed on and went forward as much as possible. With everyone on board, the chariot convoy took off and Tom looked behind her. She saw the ruins she had lived in for a night. It was a castle that had seen much better days. Tom then looked ahead and wondered what the future would bring. It was certainly better than being dead.

It’s not going to bother showing us what ‘better days’ the castle had seen as he looks at it. You know? The crumbling walls? The build up of foliage? The collection of rats and their droppings?


Also, being in this fic is certainly not better than being dead, because I’m only reading it, and I’d much rather be dead!



As they fly, Tom thinks about how wonderful it is being a woman. With the wind in his hair and everything. When Rarity says something that should not be said around the woman who sent a manticore to try and murder you.

“Enjoying yourself dear?” Tom opened her eyes and looked down to her fellow rider. It was the white unicorn with purple hair and 3 blue jewels tattooed on her butt. Her voice reminded Tom of a rich woman he served once. That 'I'm superior than you' attitude really grated on Tom and took all of his patience to not yell at the woman. Thankfully, he had his break after that, or who knows what would have happened to the next customer.

Well, good to know this character is mentally stable. As he threatens a character, who didn’t do anything.


Also, do you want to maybe… I don’t know… SHOW US THIS SCENE AND WHY IT MATTERS?! This would have been better to see in the beginning when he was back in the human world and not here in fucking Equestria!



And what is even the point of telling us this?! It’s not like he treats Rarity like this woman! This never comes into play in the story at all! It just wastes our time, something you’ll find this story is very good at!

“I didn't feel the wind like this when I flew back home. It's exhilarating!”

That’s what happens when you never walk outside. Pokemon Go! has done wonders for people.

“Wait, wait, wait, so these princesses rule your country, right?” Rarity nodded with a confused look on her face at Nightmare Moon's apparent lack of knowledge. “And they live in that castle?” Rarity nodded again. “Man that is poor planning. A few good shots and the whole thing goes down and their goes your country's leadership. What are you trying to do get your leaders killed!”

Again, this is a character who is trying to seem smarter than the shows creators by having a plot that is so cliche that I could literally tell you the end without having to ever make it that far. He dies, but then is brought back to life by true love and comes back as a human to have more pony sex.


Also, I’m glad the human world doesn’t have a place where all its leaders meet constantly and if something ever happened to it suddenly, it would cripple the leadership of the country.



Oh, fucking wait.


We then cut over to Celestia and Luna. Hopefully they’re more interesting that this shit-head.

Celestia never expected the letter she received from her former student and now fellow princess. Nightmare Moon existing without Luna? That didn't seem possible!

Side-effect of shitty fanfiction writing. Happens all the time.


The story then takes, I’m not fucking kidding here, 4 fucking paragraphs to describe how Celestia feels about each pony that comes out of the fucking carriage. Why? Just … why?

The first had Twilight and Spike and Celestia's smile got bigger as she saw Twilight. The young alicorn saw her and smiled back, causing Celestia's heart to warm. Twilight would probably be the closest thing she would have to a child of her own, and unlike many, she can look forward to an eternity with the lavender alicorn getting into trouble of some kind and insuring things won't be dull. While Spike would be her ever present assistant for centuries to come.


Next chariot had Applejack and Rainbow Dash, and as usual, the sounds of a friendly argument came from that chariot. Those two had a very odd relationship. They can easily get on each other's cases, but they would stand side by side in the worst of conditions. Celestia has looked on with pride as she has seen the Apple family prosper ever since she gave them the land near her old castle and the zap apple trees. Luna has praised the farm for it's apples and apple cider. Celestia knew that her sister always makes sure to order some of both for the castle. Luna has also been on her case about the family, considering that the family is the co-founders of Ponyville and five of the six element bearers lived their until that fateful day. Luna has tried to get Celestia to admit she had arranged that series of events, but Celestia would neither confirm or deny it. She had been watching Rainbow Dash since the young pegasus performed the first sonic rainboom in centuries. It lead to her discovery of Twilight and the sign of new bearers for the Elements and a renewed hope for her sister. She has an ego, to be sure, but she is loyal and she encourages others to do their best no matter what. She will be a wonderbolt in time.


The next one had Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. The pegasus was known for her beauty, evermore for her kindness, and has been a big help taking care of animal issues in Ponyville. Her companion Pinkie, on the other hand, is the oddest pony she has ever seen. At times she can be as random as Discord himself, but she has a good heart and things are NEVER dull around her, and as bouncy as she is, it's amazing Ponyville has any dust left in its roads!


The last one had Rarity. The white unicorn was always a sight to behold. She was an expert of fashion in both dresses and looks. She was vain, no doubt, but it hides her great generosity. She could be far more wealthy if she didn't give so much away. She was a genius, and Celestia smiled as she thought of her plan to hire the mare for her next dress.

This isn’t the most important thing that should be on your mind, Celestia! An evil doppelganger of your sister (still hating the idea of Nightmare Moon and Luna being separate beings) has just appeared unexpectedly and without explanation and your first thought is ‘Gee, I’m sure glad I have such good friends. They are the best in the universe. I sure hope that nothing happens to these characters like being turned into stereotypes of the characters from the show instead of the actual characters.’


Honestly, this story just drones on and on about pointless shit in order to pad itself out. Trying to write chapters like Asylum’s first few, but writing a lot of words doesn’t mean you have a lot to say.


Celestia finally acknowledges the character of Tom (just sends shivers up your spine saying it, doesn’t it?) and says that she will get to the bottom of whatever is happening. We then cut to Luna, who is sticking a vibrator up her crotch. Classy.


They arrive at the throne room and Tom is allowed to explain because he is... and you’ll never guess why.

“You appear to be a brave and noble being, please understand our earlier mindset.”

Because this character has done so many things both brave and noble. Okay, yeah, he saved the girl from ‘rape’, I guess. But the ponies never saw that. And if they did, they would know it was him and wouldn’t believe he was really Nightmare Moon!


Next thing you know, Zecora will come in here and claim that he has a big heart even though she knows nothing about him!


Luna explains that the Elements of Harmony are basically Deus Ex Machinas, doing whatever the plot wants them to do and claims that it somehow made something happen. Along with a ‘blood moon’ thing that is never explained, so I imagine it was pointless, other than making this story seem ‘edgier’.

“I can believe that.” Tom commented. “Heck I become the butt of this joke, a male in a female villain's body. If there was some superior intelligence playing a part in this I bet it's laughing its butt off right now.”

Why thank you, I am laughing my ass off at this.


They invite Nightmare Moon to dinner, at least Celestia is being civil about this, when one of the most overused human-in-Equestria cliches rears it ugly head. Seriously, just read this story if you want to know all the human-in-Equestria cliches. It stops the story to literally tell you them.

“No it's actually really good but I just realized that as a horse I can't eat meat anymore. No burgers, steak, or even bacon. I will miss their taste.” Tom imagined the food she mention and did her best to remember their taste.

Oh, my god! Ponies can eat meat! It’s okay for them to have meat! It’s not part of their regular diet, but again, those are creatures that don’t have as much similarities to humans as the characters in the show do! They can eat whatever the hell they want and I imagine they do most of the time!


That’s the only reason I can see to keep pigs on the farm, other than waste disposal.


Also, eggs are a typical ingredient for cake. And what do the ponies in Equestria seem to like?


Sure, there are cakes that are possible to make without the use of eggs, but I doubt that they make ALL cakes without them. After all, we see both Fluttershy and Applejack have some kind of chicken coop for their chickens and gather eggs.


What do you honestly think they’re doing with them? Sure they could be spreading them to other farms, but why keep them around if not for their eggs? Maybe there's another use for them, but I’m just not seeing it.


Bottom line, stop doing this in fan fics!



Dinner passes by and uh-oh, Tom has to take a shit, but he doesn’t know how.


I smell sitcom in a story that also has rape and murder in it!

“Um, I could use a little help here.” Twilight volunteered and when the door closed again there was a new roar of laughter among the group. Minutes later, both mares emerged from the room and, in a tone very much like the Nightmare Moon of old, the current Nightmare Moon said, “We will never ever speak of what happened in there, EVER!” Twilight nodded and they returned to the group.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! That scene was entirely pointless!



Seriously, why even bother bringing it up if you aren’t going to deliver?! Seriously, this actually could have been really funny, instead it just comes off as pointless?! Wouldn’t it have been better to actually SEE what kind of antics happened in the restroom instead of just saying that it happened and it was totally the funniest thing in the universe?!


Like Tom had to take a shit through his mouth and piss coming out of his eyeballs in the form of tears or something?!


Did the nanny get called away and the story just beat his head into the keyboard to get this?


After dinner, Tom asks Celestia to give him lessons on learning magic.


And I’ll give this story some credit, it doesn’t just have the character knowing how to use his magic and wings the instant he gets there. He does actually have to learn how to use them. He shows his fear of flying, though being a complete ass about it.


In truth, it doesn’t fix the story, but it’s one of the few good bits to come from it.


There’s some dialogue about how Celestia and Luna are viewed as goddesses, but it’s pretty unspectacular.


Celestia asks if he’s okay with all this and of course, since his human life was ‘SOO HOORBILE, YOU GUYS!” that he’s in no hurry to return back. Not that we ever see that in the story, but there you go.


Also, what if Tom hadn’t been given the body of Nightmare Moon and had just been put into the body of some random joe? Would he feel the same way then? I doubt it because if I know the story as it is similar to many other stories that do this, it’s just a power fantasy. As we soon see.


We see Tom waking up from a nightmare, and the guard walking in on him and being a completely idiot. And any sense of goodwill I had towards chapter two sinks down the drain.

“Well all is well so I'll return to my post.” He paused with an evil gleam in his eyes. “But I will admit, I never thought I would see a full moon during the day.” He left and the door closed leaving a blushing Tom.

Dude, she’s the fucking villain, you moron! Do you always laugh at your villains before getting incinerated?!



Soldier: Ha, your name means ‘shadow’ in spanish.


Sombra would later devour the soldier, proving that ponies do eat meat. Of course, Tom doesn’t act with any more intelligence.

“I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT! SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW I WILL GET YOU FOR THAT!”

Pfft… Is he turning into a Captain Planet villain?

Luna apologies for not taking away his ‘scary’ dream, because our big hungry baby needs to be breastfed, and Tom, with all the answers, tells Luna what she needs to do. This is much better than having tension throughout the story with the two having an arc together where Luna realizes that she is no longer that pony, despite the constant reminder of her failure in front of her. And realizing that Luna can look past appearances to see the pony inside, but why would we want anyone to have a fucking character arc?


The character gives himself a new name, but this character has already had two names, and frankly, I’m not changing it. So, I’m going to call him Tom, regardless. Even though his name is ‘Selene’.


Subtle.


Pinkie Pie throws a party because Tom chose his new name, because it’s Pinkie Pie, she’d throw a party because her cat got ran over.


The party is pretty uneventful since all tension and conflict has been sucked out of this thing like a vacuum hose sucking out my shit in preparation for my prostate exam.


Wait, they have a pill for that?


Also, and this just came to me, why did the character choose the name ‘Selene’? I know the author’s reasoning for it, but what about the character?


This character has no reason to think of the word ‘Selene’ other than it being associated with a moon goddess. The character has literally no connection to this name and no connection to the moon. It’s Nightmare Moon that has the connection, he’s just inside her body!


This character has no reason to pick this name.


Maybe he could have named himself after a friend who meant a lot to him. Or a girl in his life? His mother maybe? If his mother is named ‘Selene’, why does it say he names himself Selene after the moon, rather than, it was his 90 year old mother.


Tom awakens from his night of raving with a massive hangover. This would be a problem if a healer didn’t come and heal this thing 2 seconds later. Yes, the biggest issue in the story thus far and it doesn’t even last a paragraph. This fic is the definition of boring!



I mean, seriously. We are 4 chapters in and we barely know anything about what we’re suppose to accomplish at this point. You could even make the argument that the fic is over. The biggest thing was to gain the trust of every pony there and I’d say mission accomplished at this point since the party goes off without any issues and Tom doesn’t do anything stupid or anything that would indicate a problem.


Sure, we still have no idea HOW this happened, but Luna just said that there might be forces behind their control or understanding. You basically covered that with ‘God willed it.’


What else is there to do in this story?! The sex?! Just get it over with in this chapter so I can move on with my life!



Rainbow Dash appears and decides to teach Tom how to fly. Tom makes some progress that I don’t care about, because there is no reason for this story to keep going. You’ve got to give me something. Give me he wants to get the highest score at Pac-Man. It may be the fucking weakest thing in the universe as far as motivations go, but I’ll fucking take it.


The character has little interest in getting home or keeping his identity and why would you when you are replaced with God. The humor is barely engaging since most of them are memes or poorly explained jokes.


But we do get a shocking discovery that no brony ever has made about the show of My Little Pony.

“They are a combination of stunt fliers and military unit. Most of the time they do fantastic stuff during events and ceremonies but are also a quick response team when a crisis arises.”


“Sounds similar to the Blue Angels back home. They use jets to fly and they are painted blue with yellow highlights.” Rainbow's eyes bug out in surprise.


“THAT'S WONDERBOLT COLORS!” The look ponies look at each other for a minute as the fact sunk in.


“Creepy.” Selene finally says.

The Wonderbolts are similar to the Blue Angels! My god… All this time… I never knew… could it be that… this story is more intelligent than I thought? Could it be that I have misjudge it the whole time? Is this story saying more than I ever knew possible? Maybe… Just maybe…



After that scene that added so much to the story, Celestia is worried that she is fat. But don’t worry Celestia, our brave, strong, independant, masculine character is here to save the day!

“Then as a former male and someone the same size as you I can honestly say this. YOU! ARE! NOT! FAT!” She took a piece of cake and put it in front of Celesita and before Celestia could act Selene opened her mouth and stuffed the piece in. “Enjoy the cake.” She got up and started for the door taking note of all the drop jaws. She even got Pinkie to jaw drop. 'Mental fist pump.' Selene had the grandest smile on her lips all the way to her room.

Well, I’m glad this isn’t misogynistic in the least. Got a female villain who is actually competent? Pfft, enough of that shit, let’s replace her with a guy! But let’s keep it female in case the haters say ‘That’s sexist.’


But just in case, I have people not seeing how bigoted this is, let’s make all the females in this story complete idiots! Have their entire world brought down by a little overweight! And completely blindly trusting of one of their greatest former enemies!



Also, how the hell do you know YOU’RE not also overweight?! Maybe Luna was binge eating before she turned into Nightmare Moon. And Nightmare Moon isn’t the result of the desire for power and attention that we thought it was, but it’s actually a nasty case of heartburn.


But all is not well because Tom is still having nightmares about his death. Even though he seemed perfectly fine with losing his identity and coming back to life in this new more powerful, sexier body. But hey, we need to try and force some kind of blip on the radar.


That’s it. I’m calling it. Officially, this story is dead. I kept it on life support to see if it could recover. But this fic is dead. I’m pulling the plug. Letting it die. And maybe one day it will turn into a sexy alicorn for me to fuck. Because that’s apparently how death works now.


But wait… What’s that? … Is it…

A beam of sunlight awoke Selene from her dream. 'Curse you CELESTIA!'


My god… He IS turning into a Captain Planet villain. All those times he was making fun of a cliche cartoon villain like Skeletor from He-Man, it turns out… it was his destiny to be this over the top, bat-shit crazy ass villain that only speaks in cartoonishly evil sentences.


This fic may have a shot if Tom announces how much he hates puppies and the smiles of small children.


Turns out the story does a 180 though as a zeppelin falls from the sky and attempts to get out of the story. I think I’m driving it.


Unfortunately for me, Tom saves the zeppelin from it’s cult-like suicidal drop!


Fucking prick!



Celestia arrives and Tom is pretty upset that others are afraid of her. Seeing how you tried to make overnight sex last forever, I fail to see why.


Celestia tells Tom to wait in his room and he’s pretty upset about it.

“Oh just just saving a bunch of ponies from certain death and injury in total superhero style! Only to have then run and scream at the sight of me.” Selene knocked a pebble with her hoof.

That’s because you don’t have a rainbow colored mane and a red cape and shield. Unlike a far superior story.


That joke was to piss off the ponies who hate puns!



Luna comes to comfort the poor baby and tells him that people will probably be afraid of him for a while. What does it matter though? The rest of the cast wants to suck your dick, why do you give a shit about the rest of the world? Oh, you want this world to love you like the real world?! Give me some evidence of that!

“No problem since I did kinda of cause this, so do they know what went wrong with the zeppelin?”


“It's more like what didn't go wrong.” Luna commented as she sipped her coffee. Safety features were not working or even installed, the equipment was not the best quality, most of the crew were not properly trained and the metal wasn't right. It seems the only good thing about that airship was its actual design. If everything was in there and of the proper quality the whole incident would not of happened.”

The pilot was a maniac who just wanted to murder you by piloting the zeppelin into the castle, thus sending the Equestrian government into a panic. It was very well thought out plan. Unlike this fic.


Also, what kind of person would commission this zeppelin? How did it pass safety inspections, since I’m pretty sure they don’t just build zeppelins just for shits and giggles! I’m pretty sure zeppelins cost a fair amount of female bits to build!


Not the male bits though, those things are worthless.

“So the owner cost cut to save money only to lose more then what he would have spent on all the legal issue. Dumb move. So what's the game plan?”

I know, right? It’s almost like this story has it’s head up it’s own butthole!



And then the most horrible thing happens to Tom. Something so horrible, it changes how I view the story entirely. Something so mind blowing and unexpected, Tom will never be the same again.


Celestia is going to force Tom… TO WEAR A DRESS!


Wait, what?

First off my hair is a freaking magical starfield attached to my head, what could you possible do to that. And a dress? HELL NO! No fro-fro dress for me. I'll just have a bath and make my coat nice and shiny.”


“I admit the mane will be an issue but you simply must have a dress for this.”


“No.”


“Yes, fabulousity demands it.” Steel enters Rarity's eyes and her horn glows a very light blue color and the glow appears around Selene. Rarity then leaves with her magic dragging Selene to the door as the newest alicorn struggles, But Rarity's grip is ironclad.


“I don't want a dress! I Don't want to wear a dress! I Don't Need a dress you ponies go most of the time buck naked! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Selene screams as she disappears down the hall dragged by Rarity. Meanwhile the princess were laughing their flanks off.

Oh, come on! I dress in drag all the time. You don’t ever see my whining about it.



I loved that dress!


They go to the party and the whole mess of the dress that we’ve spent so much time on... Care to see the finished product?

Selene glared at the closed door in front of her. Here she thought she could get along with Rarity but NOOOO, that mare just HAD to get her in a dress. Selene will give her this, that unicorn can work fast under pressure. The dress she was - uuggghhh - wearing was comfy and matched her new body. The fabric was made to look like her starry mane with mirrored pieces to shimmer like the stars when the light hit them right. It was finished off with a teal trim and matching teal shoes I think I'll go for.

Uuggghhh is right. I mean, look at this uninspired piece of imagination. You barely get any semblance of what the dress is suppose to look like. I realize that most people know what a dress looks like, but for such a reveal, it could have been built up better and shown to use in a more appealing way. Describing the figure as it was seamed onto her. The texture of the fabric. It tells me ‘the dress is comfy’, but shorts are comfy and easy to wear.


Is it like wearing shorts?!


Describe why it feels comfy. Is the fabric soft? Silky and smooth? Is it tight on her showing more of her form? Is it rather loose? A ballgown? I get no sense of this other than it’s a dress.


I probably wouldn’t mind so much if this wasn’t a big deal for the story to make a big deal out of that we had to waste what was, I think, suppose to be funny.


Because he’s a guy… Except he’s not a guy. And he’s wearing a dress… And that’s funny … for 2 year olds… I guess…


Tom then makes this big speech about how much everyone is going to love the new Nightmare Moon.

“Ponies of Equestria, I know my form and appearance frightens you. You have every right to be frighten of it due to the past behind it. But now there is more behind this body. Before I came to Equestria and in this body I was staring death in the face after saving a mare from rape and possibly death. By some miracle, magic, whatever you want to call it I found myself here in this country and in the body. What little I have seen of your country and from what I have been able to read I can say this. I wish the planet where I came from had more countries like this. While not perfect you seem to thrive and be happy and I want to experience more of that. So I stand here today offering my hoof out in friendship hoping you will grasp it and make a new legacy for this form. Not of terror and Eternal Night but of hope and friendship.” A roar and stomping came from the crowd as she stepped away.

Well, that was stupid.


I don’t see the point in telling other ponies what he did in the human world. As if to remind us that ‘yes, rape is in this comedic story’. Thanks for that! On top of that, why is everypony reacting like he’s the second coming of Faust?!


He saved a zeppelin full of ponies, yeah! But the last time that happened, most ponies were still afraid of him! And they were the ones he saved! Why in God’s name would they suddenly be preparing a parade in his honor?! And lining up their mares to suck on his dick?!


We get a brief scene of a plot developing as the evil cult from Past Sins is working to turn Tom evil again.


A plan that I am totally on board with.


Also, I’d like to talk about the scene transitions here.

“Ma'am I saw it myself, Nightmare Moon is back but she isn't acting herself. She saved that airship and did a speech I would have expected to see Princess Twilight or Princess Cadance spout.”


“Hhhhmmmm, she's either lying low by pretending to be reformed or something went drastically wrong with the spell. Setup observation teams to watch her. We must know the truth of her current state. I'll have the Unicorns and the other mages prepare a new spell in case she isn't properly Nightmare Moon.” The unicorn nodded and left to fulfill her orders. The boss used her mane to grab a drink. “Soon, soon our plans will be fulfilled. MUHAHAHAHAHAH! Whoa! Got to watch myself there, evil laugh is for Mane-iac not me.” The boss took a sip and planned for the future.


Selene stretched her whole body as she awoke for a new day. Yesterday was her big reveal to Equestria and, since no mob stormed the castle, she figured it went over well, but the next few days will tell for sure. After a wash and some brushing she again made her way to the dinning room and saw everyone there. Saying her hellos she ordered her meal.


“So Selene, any plans today?” Celestia asked.

Could you tell when the scene changed? No? That’s because it technically didn’t!


As far as it is actually written, this is still the same Goddamn scene! How am I supposed to know otherwise?! There’s no indication that another scene is taking place. A much longer space between paragraphs?! Some kind of break like a line or I don’t know, something to indicate we are now in a new location?! Doing it this way makes the reader confused as to why Tom is in the scene with the cultist!

Standard policy was that all alicorns are prince or princess depending on gender.

But not all princes or princesses are alicorns. We have a very strict standard here. Isn’t that right, Blueblood?


Tom goes into town, but sees that he is not very much liked there. And it’s not because he’s Nightmare Moon, it’s because he’s a shitty character.

“Hello everypony, lovely day we are having.” The silence continued. 'WHY MUST THE SILENCE CONTINUE!?' Then a small filly rushed up to her.

And then the filly was eaten by him.


Okay, but the filly asks why she has her mane and tail the way she does.

“Why are you so tall and what's with your mane and tall?” Selene smile turned genuine and lowered her head to the filly.


“The answer to both is that I'm an alicorn like Princess Celestia.”


“But what about Princesses Cadance and Twilight? They don't have manes like that.”


“Well they are not as old as me. One day their manes will be like mine.”

How the hell do you know that?!


The shopping spree is interrupted by a large three headed behemoth with a million eyes and swords instead of teeth and a brave, handsome, sexy, incredibly evil stallion growing like a tumor out of it’s back.


Just kidding. The shopping spree goes perfect. What? You thought there’d be a point to that? I told you, the story is dead. Nothing is bringing it back. The story is going to wait until the last 3 chapters to quickly throw it’s plot together.



There’s a scene with Fancy Pants and Rarity in there, but at this point, I’m literally so bored of this story, that I fucking skipped it. I’m serious. They could have been talking about how much the current government sucks and having an orgy for all I know. And I’ll never know, because I’m not going to go back and read it.


Because I am so fucking bored. This story is not entertaining. The thing with the evil cult has appeared once and they haven’t done anything, but wait. Waiting is not fun. It’s boring. Just like this fic. And me, waiting for something to happen. I’m all out of any energy I had for this fic.


So, I’m just going to blaze through it and I hope I don’t pull out my eyeballs with pliers just to add some variety to it.


The next chapter of the story is called ‘Enjoying Life’.


… Yeah, I’m skipping it.


The only thing to note about this chapter is that it introduces ponies to ‘fish on a stick. Which is apparently common for Pegasi to eat. So, why the fuck did everypony freak out when Tom said he could no longer eat meat, WHEN FUCKING PEGASI EAT FISH?! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT FISH IS?! IT’S FUCKING FISH!



The next chapter is called ‘Dark Plot (insert joke here)’


Ha, ha, ha, ha! This thing thinks it has a plot! That’s precious!



As you expect, the cult kidnaps Tom and this turns into Past Sins. So, if you’ve read that story recently, you can pretty much close this story and go read that again instead. I’m not a fan of it personally as I think it’s highly overrated for a fic that’s just ‘meh’, but a lot of people seem to like it, so what do I know?


The pony who kidnaps her is called Grape Vine, who is the character who was the inspiration for ‘Mane-iac’.

“Mane-iac?” Selene asked in shock. The Mane-iac's eyes grew wide.


“Me, Mane-iac?” The mare laughed hard before catching herself. “Oh I can see why, but no. I'm not Mane-iac though she is based off of me. On purpose I might add, making that comic series was so much fun. My name is Grape Vine.”


“Well that's fitting.” Selene commented. Grape Vine rolled her eyes.

… … … How?


Because… grape vines are… green?


And long?


She could have just as easily been named ‘A Pickle’! That would have been more fucking fitting!



Anyway, she casts a spell to turn Tom into a Captain Planet villain. Oh, boy! The moment I’ve been waiting for! Bring on the cheese! Let’s hear him talking about how he wants to pollute the rivers and hunt the whales! Chop down trees and use them to make expensive, yet low quality toilet paper, that always rips right before you finish wiping!


Please give me that, story! I promise to overlook some of your flaws! Just do this one thing! For me!

“You didn't flinch, good, you show promise then.” The mare raised her black head and said. “Equestria prepare yourself.” The mare then tilted her head to the right. “Nightmare Moon is back.” Nightmare Moon threw her head back and broke out into an evil laugh as her mane swirled and lighting erupted from it. Grape looked at the display for a couple of seconds before shrugging.

And then they fucked.


This fic is becoming painful. And it becomes very apparent in the very next chapter. Let me set this up for you. If you were the writer of this story, what would you do? Would you…


(A) Show the characters in the story worry about why Tom is missing, thus building suspense since we know what is coming?


(B) Showing minor characters we’ve met throughout the story attacked subtly by Nightmare Moon’s forces. Such as Cadance, Shining Armor, and Fancy Pants.


Or


(C) Having our heroes confront Nightmare Moon, thinking it’s one of Tom’s pranks, only to find out horribly that it isn’t.


If you said, show Nightmare Moon’s forces getting together for dinner while talking about everything that has happened in the show in order to pad this thing out another 2000 words. All the while with Tom in Nightmare Moon’s mind telling him to give back the body that he technically stole from her before declaring a truce to sit down for afternoon tea like this is an episode of Animaniacs.


Then I want what you’re smoking!


At dinner, Nightmare Moon decides to eat meat. Because she’s evil. And has sharp teeth. And can change her biological structure that allows her to digest meat. Even though she probably could have from the start, but she wanted to feel more important.

<Whoa, whoa, whoa! Timeout! That's meat Moonie, ponies can't eat meat.>


'Normal ponies can't, but I'm not normal. These teeth aren't just for show. I happen to like several meat dishes. It took Luna awhile to let me alter our teeth and digestive system, but she was surprised by the outcome. It certainly help in negotiations with the gryphons.'


<You mean I could have had meat this ENTIRE TIME!?> There was a pause and Nightmare was about to answer when Selene continued.<Man I feel robbed!> That actually caused Nightmare to chuckle as she grabbed a drink and found a place to sit and eat.

And again, this is supposed to be a horrifying point in the fic. Nightmare Moon has returned and is seeking revenge on our heroes.This should be the point with the most tension. Instead, the character doesn’t take this situation seriously at all, despite the fact that he is a prisoner of his own mind.


Instead he cracks jokes and makes small talk with Nightmare Moon like he’s fucking Deadpool. You’re not Deadpool. You’re just some dude with a boring name.


I would not be surprised if this fic ended with him just accepting the fact that he’s evil. He’s accepting to everything else in this fic.


But before world domination can take place, Nightmare Moon gets sleepy.


Well, I can see why she wanted the night to last forever now. The whole Nightmare Moon thing could have been avoided if Luna just had a nap.


4 more chapters to go.


The castle is in complete disarray with the disappearance of Tom, showing how completely inept our characters actually are.

When Celestia saw Selene for the first time she feared Nightmare Moon reborn, but in the month that followed she saw a mischievous mare who was given a rough deal and made the most of it. When she looked at that face of sharp teeth and slitted eyes she didn't see Nightmare Moon, she saw Selene and as much as Celestia wanted to throttle the mare for her pranks she was actually looking forward to the eternity to come with her around. Even Luna who has the most reason to hate that form accepted and even liked Selene. Then there's Twilight, the poor young alicorn was going crazy (by Twilight Sparkle standards). She and her friends have been spearheading the search effort for Selene, who was lost at her castle on her watch. 'I Don't think Twilight's mane will be straight until we have found Selene.' Celestia looked out a window into the moon lit night. “I pray you are safe Selene.”

I pray that I can make it through these next few chapters unmolested by horrible writing.


Nightmare Moon wakes up from her nappy-wappy when Grape Vine enters her room and announces that they’ve captured Luna thanks to a double agent. Oh, a double agent? Okay, that could be interesting.


So, who is this double agent?

“Very good Miss Vine, you and your team have done well. I will speak with Luna alone.” The earth pony nodded and Nightmare Moon decided on using her mist form and went through the cracks of the door. A single light illuminated the room and Nightmare moon saw Luna chained with a nullifier ring on her horn preventing her from using her spells. Nightmare Moon reformed herself and Luna looked up, sensing a presence. She looked in Nightmare's direction and asked.

Um… Hello? Story? Double agent? Explanation? Please?

“Selene, is that you?”


“It is not Selene Luna. I hope you have not forgotten me already?”


“Nightmare Moon.” Luna snarled. “I was not enough, you had to take Selene to. How many more lives will you ruin?”

… I give up…


The story doesn’t care, why should I?


Nightmare Moon makes this big speech about how she and Celestia are weak and that she is only doing what she feels is right for Equestria, rather than just being evil. It’s fine. The speech is pretty much uninspired with nothing going for it other than the implication that Nightmare Moon is not clearly black and white. But that’s a theory I had for a while now and for something that has the Nightmare Moon in the entirety of the story, it doesn’t tap on it until this chapter. 2 chapters from the end.


This story would have been so much better if Tom had not been in it. If you took out Tom, a lot of the problems in this fic would have been fixed. There is literally no reason for this character to exist in this story. This would have been so much more interesting if this story just focused on Nightmare Moon. If it was just her wanting to do what is best for Equestria and seeing if Celestia’s way works. If something happened to convince her otherwise and she reverted back to her old ways out of compassion for her subjects.


But the story doesn’t do that. Instead, it wastes our time until the last few chapters to make everything that has happened seem relevant. But none of it does because we did not spend any time with Nightmare Moon. It may have been Nightmare Moon’s body, but it wasn’t her. It was some dumbass from the human world that never should have been there in the first place.


Nightmare Moon attacks the main six when … the terrifying moment stops so that Pinkie Pie can make a joke.

Wow this is pretty comfy for a helmet.” Nightmare turned to her side and that pink pony was back and wearing her helmet.


“Give that back.” Nightmare Moon said angrily.


“Oh don't be mad, no pony cares your bald.”


“I'm NOT bald, alicorn manes eventually turn into magical clouds. Mine happens to be filled with stars.” There was a pause before the pink pony asked.


“But is it hair?”


“No it's ma-”


“BALD!”


“GIVEMEBACKMYHELMET!” Nightmare dove at the pony who disappeared. Then Nightmare felt a weight on top of her.

So, does Nightmare Moon not remember that she has magical powers that allow her to turn into a fog? Or levitate objects? Or fly? Or anything?! Maybe the helmet keeps her brain from falling out.


Nightmare Moon is able to capture Pinkie Pie, but this single earth pony with comical special abilities that have proven ineffective against the likes of Discord and Tirek… has completely drained Nightmare Moon.

The next chapter is called a Bonus Chapter. So, I think I am completely justified when I say, I’m skipping it.


Nightmare Moon is sleeping near Luna… Which sounds sexual, but trust me, it’s not. Lord knows I wish it was. It would still be smut, but at least it would be something.


Luna tries to convince Nightmare Moon to talk to Celestia, because that worked so well in the past. Nightmare Moon, of course, dismisses it and declares that for the benefit of Equestria, Celestia must die. Nightmare Moon ambushes Celestia and the two fight.


Finally! A fucking scene that isn’t a waste of my fucking time.

Well I can at least tell Luna I tried.” Nightmare does a quick blast before powering up a more powerful one as Celestia tripped on Nightmare's extended mane. Nightmare was just about to fire when Selene decided to say.


<Celestia's got a nice flank.> Nightmare's surprised jolt sent the shot wide and barely missed Celestia.


'Not now you hitchhiker.'


<Of course now is the best time.>


'If I die you die.'


<I have died once before and this time it will be for a nation then one girl. By the way, heads up.> Nightmare lifted her head and Celestia plowed into her. Nightmare kicks Celestia away and gets back on her hooves and summons a magic sword. Celestia responds with her own. <What, no lightsabers? BOO!> Nightmare's growl was more at her rider than Celestia. The two alicorns crossed swords before doing several slashes, cuts, parries, and thrusts. All done in quick succession before the two break off with a handful of cuts on their bodies. The two then stared at each other was they caught their breath in the quiet of the duel.

… I take it back. This was a total waste of my time.


The fight is over with no substance to it and you barely get a sense of suspense here. It’s like the author wrote ‘fight scene goes here’ and then just beat his head against the keyboard for about 3 minutes to get this.


This is the fucking climax of the story and you’re going to waste it like this.


Also, Tom’s commentary is just shit. And not only that, it takes away from what is a potentially intense scene! Celestia is faced with a former friend and sister to the death! Why is this character nonchalant about it?! He is also pretty fucking confident he’ll win, when the Elements of Harmony beat Nightmare Moon the second time!


What? Would he make jokes if Celestia was sliced in the throat?!


Tom: Ooo, talk about a pain in the neck. She really needed to keep her head in the game. That’s what you get for sticking your neck out for ponies. Way to cut her some slack, Nightmare Moon.

<That was totally awesome! Those quick moves were so Star Wars. Okay I can forgive you both for no lightsabers.>

We are obviously not reading the same fight scene!



And what’s the next thing we have in store for this comedy? A horrible traumatic death!

With a final gurgle the Royal Guard died and Grape pulled her hair out of his chest. So far the attack was doing well, even if it was a bit early but she guessed Nightmare moon's forces were discovered.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! Brutality is funny!


There’s a huge battle going on, but I’m reserving the fucks I give for a story that is actually worth giving them to.


Bottomline, Nightmare Moon loses and Tom is sent to the hospital due to the battle. Because we have to make sure the ‘important’ character stays alive.


Tom, unfortunately, wakes up in the hospital and is completely fine. They all have a big song and dance, Tom is made into a princess and the Critique hung himself in order to give this story any shocking surprising moments.


Warning: All the reasons why this fics sucks ahead.


Aside being another human-turned-pony in Equestria story, it takes an interesting character that has a lot of potential as a character, despite the fact that I hate her being an alternate character, and ultimately makes her boring.


Tom is an uninteresting character. Some aspects of his personality could have worked. Like the prankster part of him. I left it out of the review because, besides not being funny, his personality never really comes into effect when dealing with Nightmare Moon. I would have enjoyed this story if it played on that more. Like maybe he takes a prank too far and ends up hurting one of his friends feelings. That would be interesting because that causes a conflict for the character to solve without having to resort to this magic cult bullcrap!


But for the most part, Tom is just bland and has very few reactions to what is going on around him. At least, none of them that are relatable. He has little to no reaction of turning into Nightmare Moon and turning into a female other than one scream. He has no identity crisis or journey to accept who he is. There’s no denial or struggle for acceptance or anything like that.


If we had been given some time of desire to change genders during the human stage or previously, I would probably be less harsh on this. But the way it’s done, he seems to just accept whatever is thrown at him.


Even when Nightmare Moon takes over his body, he feels like he just doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. Rather he prefers to be a Navi in Nightmare Moon’s ear. Which might have been funny if the dialogue was a bit stronger. Or actually affected the characters ability to fight. Or with Nightmare Moon screaming at him to shut up in the middle of the fight with Celestia wondering what is going on.


The humor is annoying in this fic. It’s a cross between memes and downright unfunny humor. It doesn’t have the timing that it needs to or the right tone in some scenes. And some of it, I just don’t understand what the logic behind the joke is.


The plot in this thing is a joke. The story acts like it’s a joke, but it’s not a funny joke. The story takes place over the course of two chapters with at least ten chapters of padding. The story could have been cut down drastically and you’d never notice. The major plot only happens at the last two chapters and even if it was interesting, which it isn’t, it takes way too long to get there.


I’m already bored out of my skull by the time we get there. And when we do, I don’t care about the story or it’s characters and just want to see it all set on fire.


The only thing I have for this fic is how the story shows that Tom isn’t an expert at being alicorn on his first day. It takes him some time to learn flight and magic and isn’t better at the characters who should be good at those things in seconds. It does demonstrate that these things can take years to master.


That in no way excuses this fic, but I feel I should mention it.


Tom is a good way to summarize this fic as a whole. There is nothing special about Tom or the story as a whole. It’s just another story to add to the pile. It’s not particularly offensive and it’s certainly not good. The biggest flaw in this story is that it is boring.


There are some good ideas being tossed around, but with Tom weighing it down, it becomes nearly impossible to fix. Add in all the other problems the story has, and you are left with a giant mess that has very little to offer. And I can’t, in good taste, recommend this fic to anyone.


At least this fic did one thing right, it did cure my nightmares of psycho killer clowns. Now I’ll just have nightmares about Tom and him being inside Nightmare Moon.

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Who do I need to talk to to get a story of mine critiqued? Specifically, a Doctor Whooves story.:duck:

“I didn't feel the wind like this when I flew back home."

Because you did so much flying back on earth.

“Soon, soon our plans will be fulfilled. MUHAHAHAHAHAH! Whoa! Got to watch myself there, evil laugh is for Mane-iac not me.” The boss took a sip and planned for the future.

You know, a small part of me kind of hoped that these stories were left over from when the fandom was new and didn't have a lot of better options.

Oh joy, another story with "Death" and "Nightmare" in the title. This should be fun :ajbemused:

Hell, they’ll thrown in a sexual image as the cover art for the fic, even though it has nothing to do with the fucking fic!

Just like what Marvel does with Wolverine.

Tom an Average Joe, saves a girl from an attempted rape.

Well, that sounds familiar...

But of course the story couldn’t tell us that because why would story want to make it’s character unlikable.

I would say that the story might show us this, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

He had a part time job, with his few friends who make him less lonely since his parents were dead since they had him late in life.

1) Thanks for telling us this.
b) What's with the double "since"? could you not think of a better transition? Or perhaps expanded upon a few points beyond just establishing them? Please, just once?

In a good story, the author would take this first chapter to establish our character, his personality and his world that is the norm. Using the environment to tell us who this person is.

I think the last time I did what the author did... wow, that was almost thirteen years ago... I feel old now.

After a nice meal, he walked back home.

"Nice meal at McDonald's" is about as big an oxymoron as "Exciting episode of My Brave Pony".
Also, thanks for telling us this, again.

After saving the woman from being raped, in a comedy, Tom gets stabbed in the gut by the rapists, with him bleeding to death in the alleyway. In this comedy about comedy.

Well, that got dark pretty quickly.

He felt cold, and that was not a good sign. He guessed he was dying.

"Well, this is disappointing. I can't fit dying into my schedule; I'm supposed to have my daily moping session right now. Can dying be moved to next Thursday?"

I’m pretty sure that this is not how a person thinks after being stabbed in the gut. I’m fairly certain that they say ‘Oh, god. Please, Critique, don’t kill me. Oh, god.’

You're correct, sir!

“Why am I a pegasus? Wait! What the heck!?” Tom's voice was different. Regal, but feminine in nature. He moved a rear leg and looked. And he saw, clear as day, female bits.

While God Empress has its flaws, I like to think I handled the Emperor's arrival in Equestria rather well... at least better than this drek.

Nightmare Moon? Seriously, you are calling me that?

It's certainly better than anything you've come up with.
Please tell me he's going to have a stupidly named weapon as well. I've thought up a few good examples.

Cause it goes from not knowing who Spike is when he first sees him to just suddenly knowing who Twilight is.

I have trouble with this in my current story, but only because Twilight has an alias in the human world (and yes, it is "Tara"; not very original, I know) and switching back and forth between them can be a bit troublesome.

“Serious? That's kind of hard, considering I have six small horses that belong in a kid’s show calling me a silly villain’s name. I'm expecting a musical number at some point.”

Why do these writers assume that comedy means dismantling every single thing about the show because "It's for kids"? It's like reading Game of Thrones (that is to say, rude and condescending).

Oh, and how is Celestia in this? Is she unfairly made a villain because clearly Luna is better in every way because reasons?

Most likely.

What, it makes it easier to befriend Nightmare Moon after all the evil shit that she’s done to them.

Instead of turning her into an innocent little filly with no memory of what she was before?

But, we need to move on, there is so much story to cover and I’m still on fucking chapter one.

Yeesh. The last time I wrote a chapter 1, I had already had the Big Bad burn down a village and kill some minions for not listening to his orders.

Where I come from, a rainbow is the icon for those who are attracted to the same sex. So we have a female here acting more like a male, and has that color scheme. You can see why I find it a bit amusing.

Actually, no. Rainbows were originally associated with peace, because it was seen as a sign God had set up so he would not destroy humanity via mass floods again. It has since become an image of diversity, not just for gays, lesbians, and the like, but also people of different races, religions and social walks of life (South Africa isn't nicknamed "The Rainbow Nation" because everyone's gay).
So this? Congratulations, author, but I think you just insulted a lot more people than just gays and lesbians.

Her voice reminded Tom of a rich woman he served once. That 'I'm superior than you' attitude really grated on Tom and took all of his patience to not yell at the woman. Thankfully, he had his break after that, or who knows what would have happened to the next customer.

Thanks for telling us that.
Also, having worked in the fast food industry, and the telemarketing industry, and having seen how dickish customers can get; you're really thin skinned.

Why? Just … why?

Padding.

That’s the only reason I can see to keep pigs on the farm, other than waste disposal.

Truffles; pigs are supposedly really good at rooting out those little mushrooms, and seeing that good truffles can sell upwards of $400...

Maybe there's another use for them, but I’m just not seeing it.

Bone had the villagers use them for currency.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! That scene was entirely pointless!

Repeat for the rest of the story.

Celestia asks if he’s okay with all this and of course, since his human life was ‘SOO HOORBILE, YOU GUYS!” that he’s in no hurry to return back. Not that we ever see that in the story, but there you go.

Really, being a human isn't so bad. It's not glamorous, but you make it your own.

Would he feel the same way then?

Probably not; writers want to feel special, after all..

Pinkie Pie throws a party because Tom chose his new name, because it’s Pinkie Pie, she’d throw a party because her cat got ran over.

But she owns an alligator.

But we do get a shocking discovery that no brony ever has made about the show of My Little Pony.

It's for little girls?

The Wonderbolts are similar to the Blue Angels!

Wow. Death Battle was making jokes about that almost four years ago...
Way to go author.

That’s because you don’t have a rainbow colored mane and a red cape and shield. Unlike a far superior story.

A universe away, Rainbow Dash feels better about herself than usual.

Selene glared at the closed door in front of her. Here she thought she could get along with Rarity but NOOOO, that mare just HAD to get her in a dress. Selene will give her this, that unicorn can work fast under pressure. The dress she was - uuggghhh - wearing was comfy and matched her new body. The fabric was made to look like her starry mane with mirrored pieces to shimmer like the stars when the light hit them right. It was finished off with a teal trim and matching teal shoes I think I'll go for.

My description of Twilight having to don human armor was better than this.

And me, waiting for something to happen. I’m all out of any energy I had for this fic.

Well, that's no fun., and there's never a Beastmen ambush to liven things up.

As you expect, the cult kidnaps Tom and this turns into Past Sins. So, if you’ve read that story recently, you can pretty much close this story and go read that again instead. I’m not a fan of it personally as I think it’s highly overrated for a fic that’s just ‘meh’, but a lot of people seem to like it, so what do I know?

Overrated or not, it's still a lot better than this thing.

Nightmare Moon makes this big speech about how she and Celestia are weak and that she is only doing what she feels is right for Equestria, rather than just being evil. It’s fine. The speech is pretty much uninspired with nothing going for it other than the implication that Nightmare Moon is not clearly black and white.

I've got a few good speeches for you:

Nightmare Moon ambushes Celestia and the two fight.

I'll start looking for good fight scenes now.

Well I can at least tell Luna I tried.” Nightmare does a quick blast before powering up a more powerful one as Celestia tripped on Nightmare's extended mane. Nightmare was just about to fire when Selene decided to say.

<Celestia's got a nice flank.> Nightmare's surprised jolt sent the shot wide and barely missed Celestia.

'Not now you hitchhiker.'

<Of course now is the best time.>

'If I die you die.'

<I have died once before and this time it will be for a nation then one girl. By the way, heads up.> Nightmare lifted her head and Celestia plowed into her. Nightmare kicks Celestia away and gets back on her hooves and summons a magic sword. Celestia responds with her own. <What, no lightsabers? BOO!> Nightmare's growl was more at her rider than Celestia. The two alicorns crossed swords before doing several slashes, cuts, parries, and thrusts. All done in quick succession before the two break off with a handful of cuts on their bodies. The two then stared at each other was they caught their breath in the quiet of the duel.

Well, I couldn't find any great fight scenes that I haven't used already. Have some squeaky otters instead.

4219982 Ask an ye shall receive; Spideremblembrony takes requests, all you have to do is send him a PM or the like

4219982 If you need a story reviewed, Feel free to Pm me with a link to the story. I'll check it out and get to it when I can. Got some other stories lined up, but I will definitely take a look at it.

After saving the woman from being raped, in a comedy, Tom gets stabbed in the gut by the rapists, with him bleeding to death in the alleyway. In this comedy about comedy.

This is exactly how the last fic started out! I can't believe it. This is the second time in a fucking row which has a hero save a girl from being raped, only to get killed in the struggle and then, somehow, be reincarnated in Eqestria. How did something like that develop in the public consciousness, to the point that, not one, but two unrelated stories have the exact same plot points?

Death to Nightmare

Ho boy. I know why that title is familiar. THat them there story is a 90 percenter, guaranteed to give anyone who dares to read it blood cancer. Man Critic, you must have the jingleballs of steel to review this steamy pile of manure. Well, I love to see how your sanity slowly degrades so lets read on! Onwards and upwards (or in this case downwards)!

‘Critique, why don’t you review some good fanfics?

Because good fanfics don't provide much room for the Critique's snarky remarks. And a Critic without snark is a very dull Critic indeed.

Wanna see a fic that has a green lightsaber, solely because the author figured out that if you put a pic of Celestia sticking her massive boobs out at people, it will appeal to the 13 year-old Michael Bay crowd?

Let me just check one thing out before we start.

*checks wrist*

Nope no pulse. That line was so stupid that it finally killed me. Wow. How can anone make that look even half decent?

Because apparently rape and death are funny.

Maybe there are some pies included. Nope, actually that makes it worse. Nevermind.

Tom was working on his computer late at night on personal stuff.

Tom was an incompetent moron who thought that googling elmo porn on his office computer counted as overtime. He was swiftly fired the next day and is now livign the rest of his life in a cardboard box. Don't be like Tom.

that because why would story want to make it’s character unlikable

Because the author of these things never has any talent.

He had a part time job, with his few friends who make him less lonely since his parents were dead since they had him late in life.

And that's going to be this chucklehead's entire character right? Man Critic, you sure know how to pick them. Urgh.

Luckily for him, a McDonald's was close by, and he could walk there. He locked up his apartment and headed out for his meal.
Oh, I sure hope this meal has some kind of consequence or reason for it to exist, otherwise, what would be the fucking point?

I guess it is to appease the advertising gods or something. If so, jokes on the author, since rape and death are not 'advertiser friendly'. Ha ha ha!

After saving the woman from being raped, in a comedy, Tom gets stabbed in the gut by the rapists, with him bleeding to death in the alleyway. In this comedy about comedy.

Even if it wasn't a comedy, considering the ineptitude of this author, this scene would still be in fucking poor taste. Rape is a difficult subject as is and portraying it nonchalantly in any work is kinda disrespectful. Especially if it is just there to serve as your hero masturbation fantasy. It was disgusting when Clockwork (the creepypasta, not the movie) did it, it's disgusting when you do it as well.

Beautiful moon tonight

Hahaha! Very clever author. You be doing smartiness every not so often.

And he saw, clear as day, female bits.

So rape and violence are fine to mention, but you cant find any better ways to describe a vagina then 'female bits'. What is this author, 10? Becaus if so, HE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT RAPE!

Why are you talking to her like she’s fucking Apple Bloom?!
Do you do that to all your villains?
:ajbemused: Now, Tirek, you better stop draining ponies souls out of their butts right now, or I’m a send you to your room.

Can we get this as a fanfic. I am much more certain that it would make for a better comedy than this story. Please?

That's kind of hard, considering I have six small horses that belong in a kid’s show calling me a silly villain’s name. I'm expecting a musical number at some point.

This is secretly witten by Mykan isn't it?

She gave me Tartarus

Future authors, stop using Tartarus as a synonim for Hell. It sounds so clunky and kinda forced.

And please stop calling me that silly villain name. I know the name doesn't match the gender right now, but until something better comes up, call me Tom.

You could ask them to call you Tabitha. Or Tara. Or Poopoo McDooDooface. Anything is better than fucking Tom.

Where I come from, a rainbow is the icon for those who are attracted to the same sex.

Oh why won't you look at the time? Is it FUCK THIS SHIT o'clock already? Also since you like symbols so much, I got one for you story,

theshovel.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/dubai5-620x395.jpg

A few good shots and the whole thing goes down and their goes your country's leadership. What are you trying to do get your leaders killed!

Yeah, but you fail to understand a teeny weeny little thing. Their princess are freaking DEMIGODS! Celestia alone could rin down a can of whoopas on the griffon army let alone the two of them together.

Next chariot had Applejack and Rainbow Dash, and as usual, the sounds of a friendly argument came from that chariot. Those two had a very odd relationship.

But showing that would be too hard and since I want just a quick readgrab, I'll just tell you about it. Clever dialogue, what's that?

After dinner, Tom asks Celestia to give him lessons on learning magic.

Because that's how that works. Celestia just gives out magic lessons like that nice man in the white van gives out free candy. Right?

Even though his name is ‘Selene’

Oh piss off and die Tom! You are soooo creative and clever with our name. Also, I think Luna is still called Selene in Spanish sooo you fucking failed at originality (as if you haven't already).

Rainbow Dash appears and decides to teach Tom how to fly.

So, after essentially calling her gay, RD is still willing to teach him anything other than the old buck upside the head.

Then as a former male and someone the same size as you I can honestly say this. YOU! ARE! NOT! FAT!

Riveting. Also, I have never seen this in the show. I mean half of the scenes Tia appears in she is eating cake. Me thinks that there may have been some flanderization and decharacterization at work in this fic.

On purpose I might add, making that comic series was so much fun. My name is Grape Vine.”

This is really awful. Like, it's bad enough we have this cheesehead as our villain, but he is actually edging out a charcter from the show to essentially say 'I'm better than that weak thing'. Then again the story's been doing that so far, so why stop now?

All in all this fic was awful. As I mentioned above you really know how to pick these ripe pieces of shit. If it hadn't been for our utterly hysterical and powerful commentarry I think I wouldn't have survived reading this fic. It's pretty horrible, but it at least gave us this review. And really that's all that truly matters in the end. Awesome work my friend. keep up the shit shoveling :pinkiehappy:

4221825

All in all this fic was awful. As I mentioned above you really know how to pick these ripe pieces of shit. If it hadn't been for our utterly hysterical and powerful commentarry I think I wouldn't have survived reading this fic. It's pretty horrible, but it at least gave us this review. And really that's all that truly matters in the end. Awesome work my friend. keep up the shit shoveling :pinkiehappy:

Lol You're enjoying my shit show, aren't you?

:raritywink:

4224809 But of course. You're one of the best im the business :rainbowdetermined2:

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