I Did Ten Situps Before Posting This Blog, 'Cause My Back Did a Fart Noise When Hitting the Ground and It Made Me Giggle · 1:59am Sep 11th, 2016
No, for real -- the title ain't lying. If I arc my back a little when touching the ground after a situp and then let it down slowly, my shirt creates a weird bubble of air and it makes the fartest noise I've heard in my life. It was hilarious.
Shut up. It's 4 am and I can't sleep. I just heard that due to some bureaucratic mishap I don't have a house near my university yet so I'll be forced to skip the first couple days. Let me enjoy my back farts in peace.
Oh, and before I forget, quick little thing before the blog starts -- here's a Paypal link, I've got one of those now for if you wanna give me money. In case you're feeling generous, eh? Eh? EH?
Hey, had to try it.
Anyway! So, a couple months ago, while I was away in Hungary, a question popped up in the middle of a conversation: "If you were to be paid for writing, Aragón, what is the worst piece you could produce for any sum of money?"
This sparked a long-winged debate. However, we settled on a consensus, eventually:
Spike from the future, now an full-fleshed adult dragon, goes back in time. He kidnaps Rarity when she's just a foal, and then goes to the present and uses baby Rarity as a condom to fuck adult Rarity.
Of course, now the question was -- would I be able to fucking straightface that, or would I turn it into a comedy, seeing how that shit is the most hilarious prompt I've heard in a while? It definitely sounds like the polished and high-quality prose my readers have come to expect from me, that's for sure.
Guess we'll never know!
Story ain't over, mind you. Keep reading, there's no more weird erotically festive prompts under the cut. OR MAYBE THERE ARE. ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
So ages ago, I made a Patreon. No, really, I did. I just never published the page, or link it anywhere, and then I quickly forgot about the project. There are many reasons for this, but one was the most prominent: I had no idea how that shit worked.
I mean, do you... Like, link your credit card to it? It's that how it works? I get that you sacrifice a goat or whatever to send money to Patreon, but then how does Patreon send me the money? Is there any way to -- okay no, fuck this. That bridge burned long ago. Maybe, if the stars align I might resurrect that project one day, but so far, screw it.
However, there's a reason why I bring this up: the page was written. I just found the text floating around on a text file in my computer, forgotten. When composing it, I got adviced to "avoid being an idiot about it, son, please. Just. Just try to be serious, for once in your life. Please. It's all I ask you. This money could be of great help, and I just---this is all I ask for. Please. Please take it seriously."
I did not take it seriously.
Patreon Milestones that I Wrote.
5$ Goal: Hard Writing, Smashing the Keyboard.
What does the name of the milestone mean, you ask? Why, it means that I will write pretty much exactly as fast as I normally write, but HARDER. What does this mean to the average number of stories per month, or blogs per month? Fucking beats me. Chances are they won't change. But the stories themselves? They'll be stronger. Tougher. Meaner. Hair-chested. I assume at least seven explosions per paragraph (and one cuddly kitten to obtain that pussy market).
15$ Goal: Soft, Gentle Writing; Caressing the Keyboard, Sweetly, Like a Lover.
My writing speed will not change, but the method will, as I WON'T BE THAT HARD. You catch more flies with honey, so there will be a lot of flowers in the stories, and also talking about feelings and friendship and puppies and chest hair. Won't be taking away the fucking explosions, though.
Also yadddah yaddah more regular blogs. Whatever. I'll average one story a month. I might also use the fifteen bucks to buy me a speedo, which I'll wear whenever I write. The INCREASED COMFORTABLENESS will surely help the quality of my prose. Also, it'll make it easier to SCRATCH MY BALLS.
30$ Goal: The Keyboard Feels My Love, And, Smiling, Blushes.
I blush back at the Keyboard. For a moment that we both fear and hope for, there seems to be a spark in the air between us.
This is the point where I gotta make my writing more regular, I guess? I already have the speedo, so it wouldn't be that hard. Have you seen those things? They're a dream come true, man.
Anyway, I was thinking something like a blog every twelve days. Both non-sequiturs and blog series, like the Bad Romance Blogs or Chronicles of My Life: Why I'm Not Allowed at the Buddhist Temple Anymore (I'm Really, Really Sorry, Guys).
50$ Goal: The Keyboard and I Share Long Walks on the Beach, but Trouble Arises: The Keyboard Has the Same Eyes as My Dead Wife.
This discovery, the green eyes, shatters me. My dead wife, dear Annabelle, was my only reason to live. Am I ready to move forward?
Heartache brings inspiration. Blog a week while I woefully ponder my existence, and the nature of love, both present and past. Why, dear Annabelle? Why did you have to leave me? I'll write one story a month at least, I'll try to average two, but will that bring you back to my side?
Oh, but what is a story to you, Reader? You barely care, there are more important issues at hand. You heard the Keyboard cry yesterday, late at night. You talk to it, but there's no use. It thinks I'll leave it, for no keyboard can live to the memory of dear Annabelle.
50$ Goal: But I Am Not Afraid to Live Anymore. I Choose New Love: I'm Ready To Get Over Dear Annabelle.
It's a sunny day. The birds are singing. Spring begins. It's a happy day.
The keyboard dresses in white, and as you walk it to the altar, you think the smile in its face could rival that of an angel. Then, the Keyboard and I share our bows, and they bring a tear to your eye.
And even though it might be a trick of the light, for a second, you think you catch a glimpse of dear Annabelle, by my side, smiling. I moved on.
She can, finally, go to Heaven.
Three stories a month, around 4k words.
100$ Goal: The Doctor Looks At Me With A Stern Face.
"Okay. So, why the hell do you have so many keys stuck to your dick, again?"
Man. I should have published that Patreon. I'M SURE NOBODY WOULD RESIST SUCH BRILLIANT MARKETING STRATEGY. PAYPAL LINK.
All said, part of the reason why I never posted the Patreon is also the fact that I stopped needing the money that badly. Real life things, you know how it goes -- I got a scholarship and I managed to relax. I feel a little queasy asking for money, to be honest. This is a huge blow to whatever scrap of dignity I have left.
Then again, I told you how a lampost beat the shit out of me, so what the hell. It's not like you're gonna think less of me at this point.
Anyway, money is needed again, so I'm opening commissions. I'm willing to write you shit. Blog tomorrow detailing it. AND MAYBE THAT WILL ALSO INCLUDE EROTICALLY FESTIVE PROMPTS FOR FANFICS. ONLY ONE WAY TO KNOW.
...
Still want money for that Overwatch game?
4204003
I'm getting a "where's my promised Spike fic" vibe from this comment.
It's a question we all ask ourselves at some point in time, Kingmoriarty. But alas, life doesn't provide all the answers. We can do naught but canter on, and hope for the best.
Maybe the real promised Spike fic...
...is what lays in your heart.
4204008 *ellipsis intensifies*
4204005
Holy shit, I'd forgot about that.
Man, I foreshadowed that I'd make a Paypal without realizing so. I was not aware I had this power.
That Spike fic prompt is like... absolutely and utterly hilarious as just a brief idea written down but if it were actually a fic I think I would be horrified beyond belief.
Okay at this point I am seriously tempted to start a comic series starring Pyrrha in these odd situations.
4204044 I'm pretty sure someone's probably written it or something similar.
I mean, it's the Untamed Wilderness out there, and Aragon is the adventurer that is brave enough to occasionally dive in.
4204026
He did it when I came up with my Patreon months ago and asked me to proof his.
So... he's had this done for about six months now.
Oh my god.
And that was just the beginning of it.
If I had the money, I'd gladly back you doing... whatever it is, it's god's work, man.
Also dat Sparity prompt.
Sadly, I have very little disposable income. I'm not sure if I could afford even the roughest, most cursory intimacy between you and your keyboard. Still, it is a shame this never saw the light of day.
This is it.
I'm done for.
I legitimately can't even read the rest of this because I'm laughing too hard. I hope it wasn't anything important.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
I will legitimately pay you to tell the story of how you got banned from a Buddhist temple by events which were only partially your fault. Can we commission blogs from you?
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Would you believe it if I said that, for once, I think I'm completely innocent?
I mean, mind you, I'm still banned. Something horrible happened there. And I guess I was part of the offending party. But I'm an innocent man (this time) damn it!
Anyway, sure, man. You can commission blogs, I know a bunch of people only follow me from those. I was supposed to post the info on how to commission stuff and shit, but sadly real life stuff has prevented me from getting near a computer the last 24 hours. Moving and shit. Tomorrow, though, I'll post everything so people can ignore it in a more comfortable way.
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4204044
4204164
If it is of any consolation, I lost a follower immediately after posting this. More power to me, though. That prompt is hilarious, and I stand by that idea, god dammit.
4204643
Oi, no need to feel sorry, mate. Keyboard's a good lover, but to be honest, she can get a bit touchy. If you get my drift.
4204772
I honestly can't tell if I'm getting better at those little dumb jokes or if I'm just succesfully lowering your standards with every word I write. No matter what I win, mind you, so it's not like I'm complaining.
Okay man, if you had a patreon with those goals, I would so be on board for giving you my money. However, it's paypal and I can only do it one time, but I don't have all the money I want to give you right now. Something like patreon would be the best for me.
Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait and hope for the future.