Critique Reviews: Universe of Dreams · 11:04am Sep 7th, 2016
After the Darkness of Love taught me that depressed people are fun to make fun of, I have been writing jokes about depressed people, like the person who writes me.
However, the censors got a hold of it and said that “I could possibly offend someone.”
The hell?! So they’ll censor me, but not Stanley calling Twilight ‘damaged’?!
This is just another way that Celestia is trying to keep me down.
On a completely unrelated note, I just read Universe of Dreams and it’s fucking awful.
Even the summary is a long list of things not to do in a fan fiction. It’s a human in Equestria story, which means lots and lots of pony porn.
Let’s take a look at that summary, shall we?
On a routine shopping trip a young man and his younger sister were attacked on the street by the local gang.
They were called the Lollypop Gang. They are really into ‘Candy Land’.
The young man managed to fight off the ruffians and defend his sister but, soon after died in the hospital from a stab wound.
Not that anyone really cared.
Now the angel of death has granted him a test. If he can accomplish enough good deeds to repent his life's sins he will be granted new life.
What sins?! He died saving and protecting his sister from possible rape and murder! I think that is a good enough test! And he didn’t even know he was being tested, which made the dude’s sacrifice even more noble!
And he will be granted new life? I’m certain we want people to come back from the dead who have done horrible things. Isn’t that right, Ted Bundy?
It was supposed to be easy... when has it ever been?
Apparently, really recently since I don’t remember my goldfish ‘Goldilocks’ ever coming back from the dead by repenting her sins!
… Yes, I had a pet named ‘Goldilocks’!
On the plus side, we do get a long winded explanation of how Human in Equestria fics are great.
I know some of you are tired of HiE fics and frankly I really don't care. I've always found it rather interesting to see how people believed that people would react to the magical lands contained in the show/stories/etc. I'm a brony and that's a fact. The story will accurately relate my feelings on the subject of being tossed into Equestria and subsequently the many stories that have been written about it.
In other words, I’ll be treated like a fucking god. And you’ll all suck my cock!
Oh, wait, the story is only rated ‘T’ for teen? Well, that’s disappointing. Now I can’t make fun of you for how fast the main six will have sex with you. Isn’t that right, Stanley?
And by ‘accurately relate’, do you mean that you’re actually a being with superpowers who convinces death to give her a magic scythe and gun? … Yeah, that’s actually a thing that happens in this story.
Before we get started, I do not own the rights to anything within this story save for Maxim and any of my other OC's everything and everyone(everypony) else belongs to their respective owners. I have a question?! What's up Pinkie? What does Lady death look like? For something people are taught to fear she's really not all that bad to... HEY WAIT A MINUTE! Oh would you look at the time... stories starting I better hit the button… PINKIE!!! *sigh* Can we just get on with the story?! Pinkie and Maxim: Sorry Twilight…
Um… Story, I have a question!
Maxim: Sure, Critique. What is it?
Does this story get good?
Maxim: Um… Well..
That’s what I thought.
You are looking at half of the chapter, people. Half of the goddamn chapter! He’s wasting it on a fucking fourth wall breaking sequence that adds nothing to the fucking story! We haven’t even started this thing and I’m already annoyed by it!
He did this in the summary, too! Why are you doing this again at the beginning of the chapter?! And you want to know something, he does this at the end of the chapter as well! I don’t remember the Harry Potter books taking a timeout to have Harry and Voldemort performing friendly banter back and forth!
If you had told me a year ago that I would end up in Equestria and then shot into space in an adventure similar to a Kingdom Hearts game. I would have called you nuts.
Well, I’ve got to hand it to him. When he says it like that, it almost sounds completely and utterly ridiculous. I dare say even… stupid. Yeah, that’s the word.
Also, look at those two fucking sentences! Yes, there are two sentences there! The first sentence is not a complete thought, finish it! Get a comma in between those sentences!
It doesn’t get much better with the next sentence.
Tell me that Six months ago and I would walk away after asking if you were some sort of spy.
Why would you think I was a spy? Do you know something I fucking don’t?! Well, obviously because you’re the writer! And you’re really bad at explaining things!
Ask me yesterday and I would say "Not helping! Just hit the damn brakes!" with a really pissed off look on my face.
What question am I asking?! You’ve only said that we are telling you something! Word choice, the power is yours!
Yes, I’m making that a thing!
If Ted Turner can make an awful animated series about saving the environment, I can make a review about saving good literature.
So yeah, I'm currently hurtling through space on a mission for the Equestrian Princess of the Moon and Stars the Princess Luna.
Yeah, it turns out there isn’t any single Princess Luna. Turns out there are just multiple ponies with the same name. That would explain the mane change in season 2.
To find a rare metal on the moon and return with it.
Because the mare, who was trapped on the moon for 1000 years, expects the 15 year old kid to find it within 5 minutes. I’m sure that’s how this will work. Or maybe Luna is just trying to get rid of him?
There’s a reason why you’re better than your sister.
Eh from what I've seen, It could be worse. I could have easily been imprisoned on the moon but, my willingness to help and my awkwardness won the heart of a certain moon princess,
I’m sure this work seem forced in anyway shape or form. Wow, I really need to cut down on the sarcasm on this thing. Okay, straight faced.
This will most likely be completely forced in every way shape or form. They will have absolutely no chemistry and she will just fall in love with him for the reasons above without it actually being the reasons above. You know like… he’ll save her from Diamond Dogs or protect her from being raped by Caribous or something stupid like that.
so she had this mission devised as a way to prove myself to the Ponies of Equestria. I would either die or return a hero. I really pray it's the hero bit.
I really pray it’s the former.
Oh and forget this scene right now.
Did you?
Good.
Because this scene never comes up again. None of it does. Nothing that the character does here has any relevance on the story whatsoever. Thanks for that waste of time.
But, seeing as your probably wondering who I am I'll explain.
Actually, I’m wondering why you’re using the wrong type of ‘you’re’!
Maxi, our main hero (and I do use the term ‘hero’ lightly), introduces himself and begins to tell us how he got to Equestria. He says he wasn’t there by choice… Then… why the hell is he… Whatever.
You see two days ago, I was walking my younger sister home from the local punk factory, also known as the mall,
Turns out this factory builds it’s punks out of spare parts and peanut butter.
when we were ambushed by the local gang. I managed to knock out the leader and scatter the punks, so my sister was safe.
I hope you enjoyed that story. I personally didn’t, but then again, I hate most stories I read that are like this. The biggest issue with the story I noticed is that…
It didn't go smoothly from there. Just as I turned around and sent my sister to her house, the lead punk charged me with a knife. My sister watched me get stabbed by the punk.
It’s still fucking going!
Maxi dies, but not without pulling out his combat knife, slicing up the punk like deli-meat and sending his sister home with some rather tender ham. She’s got school lunch for the next six weeks. The other kids are going to be jealous!
I died five hours later. Yeah that's right Died.
And to be honest… Nobody cares.
I was sitting there in limbo when Lady Death (Who apparently is an okay person to talk to.) Gave me a deal.
She asked me to either let her suck my dick or send me to Equestria and I wasn’t about to let this fic be a porno.
I wasn't supposed to die but, the doctor who operated was too drunk to preform properly.
I’m sorry. What?
I wasn't supposed to die but, the doctor who operated was too drunk to preform properly.
…
…
Okay… Let me explain… Why the hell this is stupid…. Okay… Because… this… right there. Doesn’t happen. Does not fucking happen! I don’t care what kind of drugs you have been on to come up with this… Does not happen.
Okay. Let’s say that a doctor did come up and he was drunk off his ass to perform properly. One, how did he get to the hospital when he was apparently so drunk he wasn’t able to perform properly?
Two, assuming he was well enough to drive, but so bad as to not be able to focus on surgery, how did no one in that hospital notice? Did they not notice anything strange, considering this kid’s life was in danger? And that a doctor needs to be at 100% to perform a lifesaving procedure? Or… was the surgeon on vacation and they got the first person they found and made them perform it? I would even believe that before I believed this!
Three, assuming all of that did happen, why does this kid get a second chance? Why? What made him so special? What did he do? He saved his sister, yes. Good for him. But the summary flat out lies to us. The summary says that ‘He has to make up for his sins.’ This is not him getting a chance to make up his sins.
This is ‘Oh, this person fucked up and we’ll give you a second chance because that’s fair.’ The summary flat out lied to us. And some of you are thinking ‘Well, that’s misdirection.’ No, it’s not. There’s misdirection, which is to get you to think one thing while another, obvious thing is happening. It’s leading you to think one thing while performing another thing. It’s illusion.
Lying is dishonest. Never lie to your readers. Give them what you promised. Lying to your audience shows you have no respect for them.
Four, take a look at this moment…
So to make up for this, I get one chance.
That’s right, the main character gets one chance. One chance to prove himself. What?! How the fuck is that fair?! Is Lady Death just being an asshole?! I mean, he did the right thing! He saved his sister! And the doctor fucked him over. And… now Death is going to test him?! Are you fucking high?!
And it doesn’t stop there… It does not… Next sentence…
I perform enough good deeds to make up for all the bad I've done, then I'll be brought back as if I was only dead till the defibrillators paddles shocked me three times.
All the bad things he’s done. Yeah, remember those. Remember those horrible, awful, cruel things that he has NOBODY FUCKING REMEMBERS THOSE BECAUSE HE HASN’T DONE ANYTHING HORRIBLE! All he’s done is go into space, fuck Luna, save his sister, and get fucked over.
That’s it. That’s all this character has done. So… what horrible things are you fucking talking about?!
So, he flies off into space and lands on Luna instantly killing her. Well, so much for your redemption. You’re fucked.
Well that's the prologue it's short sweet and to the point. If you can't tell by my colorful ramblings with Pinkie and assorted members of the Mane six all over the site that they are going to play a major part in this. Great job Maxi! Very well written for actually trying a new style.
Twilight’s one of those friends who will tell your work is great and then drink herself to death for the lies she has to tell.
Thanks Twilight. Wait... when did you start calling me Maxi too? Around the time you decided to call me Sparkle butt for two days.
Ooooo, we’re gonna see why he calls her Sparkle Butt!
And our next chapter sees… this…
Hi there, everypony! Maxi said I was supposed to tell you that he doesn't have the copyrights to anything except his characters and anything to do with them. I don't know why he told me to tell you but, he said was gonna make muffins if I did so bye! YAY MUFFINS! Pinkie Pie, you are so random... *The rest nod in agreement*(Brown text stands for multiple sources or voices. Like when the CMC all shout at once that would be declared by brown text.) Oh that's right I was supposed to mention the scene transition change. This was inspired by the work of Belmontzar's Megaman Zero Legend's never die. So check him out as his story is rather good. Twi, why are you readin' that last bit off a card? *She blushes* Oh no reason... Right story on! *Hits the scene change button that has been conveniently placed next to the Muffin button.* On a final note, there will be sections that will divide the story into parts by character focus. The color will be a representative of the person it involves with red Representing Max, Purple for Twilight, and so on.
The fuck is this!
This is long hand for ‘I don’t know how scene transitions or character point of view changes work!
There are several different ways to do this. A couple of spaces before the next paragraph that changes point of view to another character. A new point of view every chapter. An omnipresent style of writing that means that all characters thoughts are readable.
I don’t know… Something better than this technicolor vomit!
Pinkie’s is really difficult to read on a white background! I have to strain myself to read her bits and it takes me out of the story. Not that I was invested in this crap anyway, but that's beside the point. Don’t write your story in a font or color that makes it ‘edgy’ because it will be difficult to read!
Anyway, back to the story and all 800 words of a 1100 word chapter. Maxi walks out of the space capsule with his lightsaber scythe in his hand. … No. I’m not kidding. He really has a lightsaber scythe.
The door, of the shuttle, bursts open with the aid of the friendly application of Max's weapon, a glowing scythe-sword called Sparkling Dawn.
Does anyone want to explain to me why the hell Death would give him a lightsaber scythe? I would try and explain it myself, but I’m still wondering if Death actually sent him to kill Equestrians with that, since Death literally sent him to Equestria to repent for his sins. Sins that, again, we never see.
Maybe this is how the video game adaptation of Dante’s Inferno started out until the drugs wore off.
She actually wanted him to succeed, because it was a complete mistake that he died to begin with.
And yet, she is punishing him by leaving his dick cold and for putting him on this pointless journey to begin with. I don’t think she actually has the power to bring him back to life and is just fucking with him.
Also, is he a zombie? He’s not a ghost or a spirit, because he is able to interact with the ponies just fine, as we see later. So… isn’t he already alive? Yeah. He technically is.
He still needs to eat and shit and whatever else living things do, he’s just not on Earth. And frankly, the character could give less than two shits about it, since his human life is ‘so horrible’. With those taxes and coffee tables you hit your shins on. I’m sure Equestria doesn’t have any of THOSE!
Also, he has super powers now. … Yeah. Kind of weird. The story says that Death just gave him super powers for the fucking hell of it. Because a story about how the character would really act if he was teleported to Equestria needed to include a magic scythe for killing things and super powers that allowed him to bend space and time.
You know, story, I’m starting to think that YOU aren’t even interested in your own story. You keep changing it from chapter to chapter!
Also, what the hell is this?!
The powers and form he was given, were taken from a parallel world version of him, in which he was actually a part of the world. (For the complete details look up his OC spotlight in my blog.)
The story actually has author’s note thrown throughout the damn thing! Remember that thing I said about investment! You just murdered mine! You murdered it and ate it like Vampire Fruit Bats eats Applejack’s income! What the fuck, story?!
Author’s note in front of the chapter, or in back! Never in between!
And there are several dozen of these in this chapter alone!
Coughing from the impact cloud "That could have gone better. Well at least I know these powers work." Max said as he stepped from the capsule. His right hand displays a shining silver orb, with his alternate's CM inside. (That's where it is on him besides on his back under his coat in the original character as well. The one on his back doesn't glow though.)
"Oh yeah! I gotta find that strange purple metal. Princess Luna said it would help me, so I better go find it." Max pulled himself completely from the crater, after the black glow of his negative adrenals faded. (I'll explain that when it's more relevant but, for now just know it's a side affect of his powers.)
Twilight was ripped from her thoughts by her Cyan pegasus friend Rainbow Dash rushing in through an open window.(Like she does)
The resounding explosion caused a massive rainbow to appear from the source.(That is how it works in this universe. Just watch the show.)
Rainbow dash couldn't believe her eyes, the only being to break the light barrier and perform a feat that didn't even have a name yet, due to it's extremely low chance of success and it was a Male Alicorn! Twilight had once explained that the Alicorns were able to change shapes to match the surrounding environment. So, if they were surrounded by creatures that walked on two legs, they could look like the stallion did if they wished.(Plot hole closed)
[Day 1 End: Light Speed or Death Summery. Trial Game Reward = 500 Bits. Powers unlocked = Light-Speed Nova Dash. Character Links forged and Description of relations: Rainbow Dash = Fan girl in awe of my skills + Room-Mate. Twilight Sparkle = Study Buddy + link to Princess Luna. Princess Luna = Mission Provider + ->Substitute Mother Figure<- Even I don't know how she ended up with that one.]
How many times are you going to kill the story with these fucking things?! Jesus fuck, did you even try with this story?! Or did you have a quota of stories to write and just threw something together in less than 10 minutes? I would believe it.
"So Earth ponies make me stronger huh? That's cool." He said to himself knowing he was all alone on the moon. He tapped his hand to his cheek as if trying to remember something.
I have no idea what he means by that. I’m guessing it’s like Infamous, where he devours Earth Ponies and he can regenerate and gains new superpowers or some shit like that.
Also, I really need to stop referencing video games.
Max pulled himself completely from the crater, after the black glow of his negative adrenals faded. (I'll explain that when it's more relevant but, for now just know it's a side affect of his powers.)
Because intrigue is just a word in this story.
"So where to? Oh yeah, I remembered she said it was on the dark-side of the moon. I bet it's cold there. Cold like Spike's love life!" Max laughs silently to himself, as he sets off towards the dark-side of the moon to collect the metal Luna called Harmonite.
He makes fun of Spike and his love life, only to hide the fact that he cries himself to sleep every night because Spike has the affection of Rarity while he doesn’t because she’s been dead for 700 years and his computer won’t let him travel back in time to win her heart.
… Not that I would know.
The door slams closed as Magical Prodigy, Twilight Sparkle, enters her Library home. "Spike are you here? I'm home! Spike?!!!" Twilight shrugs thinking Spike must have either gone out to entertain himself or fallen asleep.
Translation: Spike was written out of the fic.
What do you have to cry about? It’s better than being in Darkness of Love
"Dear Twilight Sparkle, a new visitor has arrived in our lands and has been given permission to stay by myself and my sister. What we would like for you to do is, help this visitor in anyway possible, once he returns from his mission on..." Twilight's eyes widened as she checked the location written on the scroll, to make sure she didn't misread it. "The Moon?!! That's not possible! This has to be a joke. Even if he did get there and survive how can he get back?"
Well, that’s the thing, Twilight. He’s not suppose to.
Maxi flies down from space to show off the fact that not only can he change from Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, and alicorns whenever the fuck he wants. Something that the story was very, very bad at explaining and I only figured it out through process of deep thought. But this was also an important scene for setting up that Maxi could perform a Sonic Rainboom thanks to the power of ‘Shut the Fuck Up.’
Oh, but it gets better… He makes a better version of the Sonic Rainboom. The Donic Dainboom! Which is completely different to that other thing.
Her cry of defiance was cut short by the massive explosion and ring of flames in the sky. All that was visible of the figure now, was a line of silver flames that hit the ground in seconds yet left no crater stopping around a winged barrier, much like a pegasus would use to soften an impact. "No way... they broke the light barrier. That's just... AWESOME!" Rainbow's look of worry and fear soon turned to the same expression a fan girl gets when they see their idol in person.
Rainbow was found dead in her home later that day when she realized how irrelevant she had just become.
And let’s describe our main character in the most sexually appealing way possible, so that even I get an erection from this character.
What happened next shocked everypony. The wings unfurled to reveal a bi-pedal stallion with silver fur and both a horn and wings. The figure wore a large blue and white trench coat with orange trim. His mane and tail were both deep crimson. His most startling feature were his eyes. The right was Brown while the left was the same color as Rainbow Dash's fur, a bright blue that put the sky to shame. He coughed up some blood from the immense pain of hitting the ground at light speed and began to glow black for a moment.
Whoa… slow down, story… Let me get some tissues first. You clearly need them.
Rainbow dash couldn't believe her eyes, the only being to break the light barrier and perform a feat that didn't even have a name yet, due to it's extremely low chance of success and it was a Male Alicorn!
Now if it had been a Female Alicorn, those feats would have been a lot less impressive.
Twilight had once explained that the Alicorns were able to change shapes to match the surrounding environment. So, if they were surrounded by creatures that walked on two legs, they could look like the stallion did if they wished.(Plot hole closed)
This story just stole the idea of ‘Dragons can change growth because the author doesn’t understand how science works’ thing! Why is this a thing in bad fan fiction?!
And that plot hole is not closed because I didn’t realize that was a thing in this plot! This thing is so bad at explaining the fucking story to this thing that it tries to fix the minor plot holes that I don't even know exist while ignoring the hole that threatens to devour all of time and space. Preferring instead to show us it’s collection of baseball stickers instead of preventing the apocalypse.
And the plot holes continue to form until the holes are all I can see.
Then our story tells us that the story will have characters act out of character, but that it will be completely justified.
*Important Notice!* Before I begin. There will be nearly countless references to video games and other media. So I'm telling everyone of you right now and I will not repeat this. I don't own the rights to anything in this story except Maximillion and my other OC's. I may also make the MLP characters act slightly OOC at times but, I believe this can be justified. I mean you would act differently if something you never expected to happen, suddenly does and changes your life forever after am I right? Well with the 'Red tape' out of the way let's continue.
If it is justified why they are acting the way they are, then it’s not out of character, is it?! Also, I’ll be the judge of that when the time comes. And so will your audience!
Suddenly, Maxi appears in some kind of world with nothing but a stain glass window as the floor. And this sounds awfully familiar to another franchise that is getting a third part finally developed after years of anticipation.
No, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t it.
A boy appears who is using Maxi’s body and explains that he’s going to kill him. This character is now my favorite character in the story.
But unfortunately, Maxi is given a gun known as Heartfelt Vengence by Death before she is killed. Wait… What? How do you kill Death?! Wouldn’t that mean that you could never come back since Death was the one who put you in a pony’s body to begin with?! And if Death is dead, then will everyone just cease to die and become fucking zombies?! And what was the point of making Death appear super villainous if you were just going to kill her off with her saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope!”
I think the problem with this story isn’t that the characters are out of character. I think the problem is that the plot is fucking asinine!
"So... the Bitch of Death gave you a parting gift eh? No matter. It's not like you can even figure out how-" The Beast's words were stopped by Max pointing the weapon skyward and pulling the hammer back. It's expression, that was once so smug quickly turned to anger, as it thought it accounted for everything. It charged at Max only to be stopped by the pure energy coming from him. "Impossible! You can't have that much power!"
Yes, the power to pull a trigger is a very rare power indeed.
The villain known as Gabriel is banished from… the main character’s heart. I guess…
So, it’s not Maxi repenting for his sins as much as it is banishing a demon from his soul. That’s what’s causing people to be evil. Fucking demons in your soul and not human flaws!
And that’s that, right? He’s banished the evil from his heart and repented for his sins. So, there’s no reason for the story to continue, right?!
RIGHT!
So, why the fuck does it continue for 17 more chapters?!
Warning! The Following Chapter will have some mature sexual references as it pertains to the concept of Heat, there will not be any sex scenes but, it will be implied later that they did happen.
Ha, and you all had your doubts about pony porn and mares sucking his dick!
Celestia help me, even having to write that warning makes me uncomfortable...
Then why the fuck are you writing it?!
And then the story shows Maxi waking up in Twilight’s bed with white substance on his face.
It’s called hair. What did you think I was going to say?
"What in the name of all that's holy happened to me?!" Yep... that's the norm all right.
This reaction is completely realistic despite the fact that he seemed okay with it LAST FUCKING CHAPTER! Does this story have any sense of a timeline?!
"Well... shit. I only wish I could had time to properly enjoy meeting the girls before this... My luck is horrible." Max's little rant was disturbed by his new found knowledge sinking in. He rushed from his inner world to wake up quickly.
What are you complaining about? You got to fuck a main character from the My Little Pony franchise. Something that would totally be realistic and not just what every fan fiction writer would do. What was that thing you said at the beginning?
The story will accurately relate my feelings on the subject of being tossed into Equestria and subsequently the many stories that have been written about it.
So, what you’re saying is, you’d totally fuck a horse?
Twilight appears out of the shower and Maxi explains that he didn’t mean to fuck her, he just wanted her to be impressed by his dick size and then one thing lead to another. And it turns out that the one thing that lead to another was the main character’s voice.
Max's voice was laced was a hidden magic he used in his own mind to snap Twilight out of her problem for at the least five minutes. The spell worked as Twilight's eyes snapped open like she had just had cold water thrown in her face.
"H-how did you-" "Snap you out of your urge to be mounted? Sorry if that was the inappropriate choice of words."
That’s right, our character’s voice is so tragically sexy that it makes any mare who hear it immediately want to have sex with him. Lucky bastard!
Turns out that the pony mating season is going on and that’s why our main character is fucking Twilight Sparkle so suddenly, with no chemistry whatsoever. Oh, so that all makes it all right. It’s like if I go to work and start fucking my boss’s wife, it’s okay, because it’s mating season.
So, how does our main character deal with the fact that he is completely uncomfortable with having fucked Twilight Sparkle and thinks having sex with her is too soon?
"Okay, seeing as I don't have much time with a clear head I'm warning you now. This is my first time to and I'm not completely used to this new body so I'll do my best to be careful." Max said to which Twilight only nodded. All Max could think before his mind was wiped blank by the spell was 'Damn reversal magic.'
By sticking his dick in her again!
Like before we get an author’s note, that explains basically nothing about the plot, but we do get a really funny line.
My proof-reader was otherwise occupied with his girlfriend during this chapter's writing so that was what sparked this chapter's theme. While also explaining the spelling and grammar errors.
Yeah, it explains it. … Sure doesn’t fix it, but it at least explains why this chapter looks like shit.
Now do you want to explain the other chapters that look like shit? Or was your proofreader on a really long vacation?
Some of you probably can guess this, but I’m not color coding everything. But this chapter reads with all the character’s dialogue smashed together in the same fucking paragraph. That does not make this easy to read. For the sake of the argument, let’s say I took away the colors this site had and made it all the same color.
Tell me, who is talking here?
"You've answered all but, one of them already. My last question was how long does the mating season last? Honestly if it's longer than three days I would much rather stay here and find a way to keep you calm." "Well it lasts from yesterday until the day before the celebration from what I've learned. Though that is only the general time-frame. It's different for everypony." "Ah, I see. Well that's to bad I was hoping to have a tour of the town but, I wouldn't want to be jumped by every mare I meet." Max hung his head as he said this.
I hope you all figured it out, because I sure as fuck didn’t!
Whenever a new character speaks, a new paragraph should begin! I don’t care if they only say one fucking word, start a new paragraph when it switches from Twilight to Pinkie Pie!
Maxi, after about a week of Sparkle Butt, goes outside where all the mares want to know, does his scythe really pierce that far? Oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be writing stuff like that. It might make the author uncomfortable.
And then… this happens…
Max was sitting in the back of the grand hall of the Town center. "Man, big gatherings make me nervous." As he said this the party had just begun wrapping up. As the first guests were about to leave a cloaked figure walked through the doors. *Collective Gasp* "Well... shit. Guess it's fight time." As max readied himself for battle the figure spoke. "Um... Hi." *Smile and wave.* The figure's mouth barely visible from underneath the hood of his cloak. He looked like he had been walking for days. "Um... mind if I pass out here? No? Alright then." With that he fell to the ground and began to snore.
… Well… that was pointless…
Max and Twilight had just finished getting their new guest set up in the upstairs area of the abandoned building.
Where they hoped the rats would eat him.
Max had been using his magic to repair the destroyed structure. "Your getting much better at magic." "Yeah it just feels so natural." "Sleeping is natural too but, you don't see me getting compliments on it."
Well, that’s because ‘your’ not the main character. And you’re still using the wrong ‘your’!
Guess, that proofreader is still on vacation.
"Well... looks like I'm gonna need a minute. Twilight. Can you go find a really sharp needle?" At this question Twilight's eyes stretch to the point it looks like they should pop from her skull. "Are you going to kill him?!!! I'm not gonna help with that!"
Why not? You’ve already murdered Spike. Why else would he not appear?
"Relax princess spaz-a-lot. I need something to poke holes in his fingers. Humans release magic through their hands but, this world's magic would tear his fingers off without the holes." With that explanation Twilight runs downstairs and returns with both a needle and a rather strange figure following her.
And you know this after a day of being here… because…?
The Magic of ‘Shut the Fuck Up’.
Seriously, could I get just one sentence that isn’t dripping with stupid? Just one?
Twilight finds another character that has about as much explanation as anything else in this plot. So, as you can imagine, it’s rushed, forced, contrived, and very poorly explained.
Well... it appears the guests of honer have finally arrived. My name is Herbert Hall, merchant extraordinaire." "Hello my name is-" "Maximillion Fortner, and the two with you are Ms. Twilight Sparkle & the wander Dreton. Who might I add is sleeping in my bed." "Yeah... sorry about that... Wait! How do you know who we are?!" "It's my business to know things good sir. It's hard to find goods for clients you can't understand." "That's totally not creepy in any way." "Glad you think so. We should get along swimmingly you and I." The strange man bowed and tipped his large top-hat. The top of the hat popped open to reveal a key.
That’s shorthand, kids. For ‘Eh, I don’t give a shit about these characters that aren’t me and aren’t girls I can totally take advantage of. Strong support cast? What’s that? Is that a League of Legends thing?’
"Seeing as your going to be staying here I've taken the liberty of making a spare key. I have only one rule. The basement is off limits. Besides that enjoy yourself."
What’s in the basement?
Geez! Chill, bro!
So after meeting with Harold Fitzgerald and Bertron, Maxi-waxi is given a pocket watch so that he can transform into a anthro-horse with hands and fingers whenever he wants. It doesn’t show how Harold was able to create this device he doesn’t bother explaining. Nor does it show that Maxi would have ever thought about needing it since fighting with hooves never came up prior, so… that interesting scene is now gone.
But at least Maxi was never made to look foolish or struggle in anyway. Victories are just kind of given to him. That’s much more interesting than fighting for it.
Well I think that went rather well don't you? Yes! We should have a chapter complete party! Whoo! Party! I'll get the broom. And I'll hit the lights. *Click*
Ooooo, he’s gonna stick that broom up Sparkle’s Butt.
"Citizens of Equestria, due to several complaints on the matter of the Prince Blueblood we have decided to once again hold the Canterlot Crown Challenge! If Blueblood can overcome the winner of this tournament then he shall retain rights to his title. If he fails he is banished from the nobility!"
Because we haven’t hit all the Human in Equestria story cliches, why not add to the list by making him a prince?
Also, isn’t there some kind of sins he’s suppose to be redeeming himself for in order to bring himself back to life? Isn’t that why this whole thing started? Or are we just going to wait for the last two chapters where we quickly shove them in?
"Because Blueblood. When I took you into my care, I had expected you to grow into a kind and gentle ruler. It seems the opposite has happened. You abuse your status to get what you want. You womanize the mares and treat stallions like dirt. You are never going to be a fit ruler of this kingdom, if you cannot see that you must put your people before yourself and that is why I'm doing this."
Yeah, Maxi. Listen to Celestia!
… Oh, she’s not talking to Maxi. I’m sorry, I got confused for a second.
Max walked up to the Registration booth at Twilight's request. The guard didn't even look at him. "Name?" "Maximillion Fortner" The guard looked from his papers to see the strange Alicorn standing before him. "Well... that's rare never thought an Alicorn stallion even existed. Your lucky your the last one we have supplies for."
Okay, I get why this is done from the author’s perspective. Yes, making your character a prince will allow you to womanize the princesses much more easily, but how does this make sense from the story’s perspective?
There is literally no reason for Maxi to give a shit about this royalty thing! It’s not like Blueblood has been taken over by a demon or is some alien tyrant from another planet and that’s why he has to enter the competition!
He just enters because…. Because!
From the story’s point of view, there is no reason why Maxi is entering this! He’s just showing off at this point since this doesn’t further the plot of the taking care of this ‘sins’ thing or dealing with Gabriel!
So, the competition is underway… Not that it’s actually interesting.
Actually, I tell a lie. It’s not even fucking there. The author’s note said it was a combat scenario, but the story’s chapter could have been about a golf tournament for all I know
And we finally make it (after half a sentence) to the finals. And who is Maxi’s challenger?
And for the Final Match to decide who will challenge Blueblood for the Canterlot crown the fighters will be The Nova Blader! Maximillion Fortner! vs. the Diamond Diva! Rarity! *The entire crowd gasps.* (What a twist!)
No, the twist will come if Rarity actually pulverizes this guy instead of him doing her.
Yes, that came out exactly how I wanted it to.
"Oh... I get it. You haven't actually done any fighting have you? You've used your feminine charms to trick the male fighters into surrendering." "What can I say? The stallions around here know exactly how to treat a proper lady."
Yes, she has no idea how to do actual combat. That’s why this scene is actually all in her head.
Max grinned sinisterly as he vanished from sight in the blast of flames left behind by reaching light-speed. He stopped mid swing as Rarity had covered her head with her hooves and was nearly crying. Max just tapped her and the orb fell from her mane shattering signaling the fight was over. "Sorry My lady, but revenge is never a good motive." was all Max said as he claimed his victory. Blueblood however was not amused he jumped onto the stage as soon as Rarity was taken off by the staff.
Thanks for turning Rarity into a useless bitch, story! It’s not like any of us actually enjoy her character!
Also, how do you fucking know she joined this tournament for revenge?! This is the first time you’ve interacted with her! She’s never said anything prior to this! Does your character just have the ability to read minds or did he pick up a copy of the script?!
And what is this scene even doing here?! Why Rarity?! There’s no point to this fight! It’s only there to make Rarity look bad, so that our main character can look good! There is literally nothing that justifies this scene!
At last someone put that little Harlot in her place. If I must say so that was quite impressive my good man who was your teacher?" "Twilight Sparkle, personal student to Princess Celestia." "Her? That little Lavender slut?" "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER?!"
Hey, it’s not any worse than the things you call her in bed.
Max's body began to glow bright black and his pupils vanished completely, the pure negative energy released from his body caused him to Form shift without trying to. "If you say one more word about Twilight Sparkle so help me, this spot will hold the tombstone of the greatest jerk to ever exist!" Max's voice had become dark and twisted by his massive amounts of rage.
And then Maxi’s body was possessed by a demon and he killed everyone. Best story ever.
And the most ‘realistic’ reaction you have to someone insulting your girlfriend is that you turn into a demon? I hope nobody tells you that ‘The Power of Christ compels you!’
So, Maxi beats the shit out of Blueblood and nearly nukes the whole stadium, killing everyone inside it for Blueblood insulting his beloved. Which ... by extension would include killing his beloved.
Starting to see why this could be a toxic relationship.
Twilight manages to calm him down, which puts her in the league of a sex doll and a ‘morning after’ pill. After which, Celestia pulls her aside to tell her that two days after Maxi and she fucked, she’s pregnant.
Yep, two days and they already know she’s pregnant.
… I’m sorry, what?
So… No period? No time for a embryo to grow? What? Did the Baby Fairy come to Twilight in the night and magic a baby there? Why not? It’s about the only thing the writer knows how to do. Magic everything into the story.
Wow that chapter was rather dark.
No, it was rather pointless.
I'm afraid our good friend Maxi may have lost a war within himself in defense of or lovely unicorn friend over there, Mr. Dreton.*Herbert says while smoking an old English pipe.* Wow... he must have been really mad to nearly nuke the whole stadium!
Because that’s the kind of leader I want. One who loses his cool over anything. We already know he’s sexist, but I hope he turns out to be a racist too. That way we can get the wall we deserve!
Also, I’m sure glad that the scene where Maxi banishes the evil Gabriel from his heart was earlier in this story, otherwise, this chapter would make some semblance of sense.
And without that, I can called this another successful chapter of ‘wasting my fucking time.’
After the battle against Blueblood, Dr. Zaius and Dopey find Maxi in the middle of a lake testing this powers. He’s got to get that nuke power down for the next time someone calls Twilight a bitch. Only he can insult her, thank you.
Dopey pops his magic bubble surrounding him, which I guess kept his powers in check. And the Maxi shoots the guy, right in front of Twilight. Twilight, rightfully so, screams in horror at this display of violence. She immediately becomes frightened and when she tries to break up with Maxi, Maxi breaks her neck.
This twist on a beloved character works for Maxi.
Okay, he doesn’t do that. But he does shoot Dopey and Twilight does witness it. However, it is revealed that Dopey and Dr. Zaius are actually evil and turn into demonic creatures.
No. Really. We’d love to show you those creatures, but there’s just no time.
We’ve got some battle music that needs to play in the background.
And yes, the story provides a link to these two tracks. Tracks that I will not be playing because they do not properly convey what I hear in my head as I read this fight scene!
Max was the first to attack he unsheathed his sword and charged Uriel he swung fiercely but, Uriel blocked his attacks easily. As if Max was nothing. Max stepped his game up and used some of his skills His two strongest skills he could use while not risking the on-lookers where 'Soul Fire Slash' and 'Millennium Strike'. He decided to go with the former first then quickly use the latter as they were formed into a combo he called the 'Light-speed Nova-Blade' He charged his blade with his *Nova magic and struck at Uriel. (*Nova magic comes in two forms Normal and Chaos Nova. Nova does massive Fire and Light damage, while Chaos Nova does massive Darkness damage instead of Light.) Uriel easily blocked Max's strike with his holy blade.
Max decided to use the Millennium Strike but, Uriel easily blocked each of the 1,000 hits and cracked Max over the head with his weapon's pommel. "Come now child. I would have expected the destined savior's father to be much more powerful. Though I guess the power could come from it's Unmarried whore of a mother. Ah there she is." Max looked in both anger and fear as Uriel had appeared next to Twilight. She stared at Uriel in a state of mortal terror. His uncaring eye's looked to be staring deep into her soul to find the slightest excuse to kill her then and there.
Now, that music has more of the desired impact than One Winged Angel ever could.
So, the chapter continues one big fight scene with some kind of bullshit thrown into the mix about how Maxi is the chosen one who will bring balance to the force, but will be corrupted by evil because he’s so powerful and that his son will be the one to save him, while Twilight fades into obscurity until Maxi needs to shove a broom up her butt.
The battle is pretty lackluster with the story telling us how ‘TOTALLY AWESOM THE WAY THE HERO USED HIS FLYING CRANE OF DEATH SPICY FLAME BLAST TO SMASH THE BAD GUY INTO THE ROCK! AND THEN THE VILLAIN USED HIS ULTRA CANNON WITH A SIDE OF FRIES AND LARGE SHAKE!
BUT THE TOTALLY SEXY MOTHERFUCKING HERO USED THE DEFENSE OF THE NINE ANGLES OF NAUGHTINESS TO PROTECT HIMSELF! WHICH IS, LIKE, FUCKING BOSS!
I’m only slightly exaggerating.
The handle trembled in Ike’s hand as his opponent’s axe crashed down on the blade, only inches away from his sweaty face. His entire arms shook, like it had been hit with a hammer. His leg began to buckle underneath the intense, sudden change in weight. Yet the sword kept the axe away from his face.
Getting a firm step on the ground, Ike placed his second hand on the handle of his weapon. He pushed up hard and fast. The knight stumbled backwards a step, but was quick to find his footing. He griped his axe tight, raising it for a second swing.
Ike dove to his right, the axe cutting through the air and missing his booted leg.
SEE HOW FUCKING EASY THAT WAS?! THAT’S HOW YOU DO A FIGHT SCENE!
And that’s not even my best work! I made it up in five minutes!
Holy flying fish! Did you see that?!
I know, right?! That was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen! I think the story might have written this by throwing darts at a wall of the most overused cliche words ever!
All he needs to do now is call me his bitch and throw me in his bed and the circle of cliches will be complete!
Am I even in this story?
I wanna line. Please?
See that, story?! I can use the main six to make pointless dialogue too!
Our next chapter sees an author’s note. And this one’s a fucking doozy.
For those of you who haven't figured it out by now. The chapter format is reminiscent of KH2's beginning sequence. The one where Roxas lives out the seven days of his life up to rejoining Sora. So I'm warning you now there will be a massive drama explosion that could top Rarity's in a heartbeat.
Hm… Okay… You want to know why Kingdom Hearts 2 works over your piece of shit fan fiction?
Let’s count the ways, shall we?
1: Actual interesting characters who react realistically to situations that they find themselves in.
2: An interesting setting that is well designed.
3: A connection to another character in the story who is the main character in the previous story and who becomes the main character in this story.
4: Well established threats as well as some new ones that keep things interesting for the audience.
5: A twist that makes you feel bad for the character in question and sorry for him when the bad thing actually happens.
And those are just what I came up with at the top of my head. To say nothing of the inconsistent plot. Made up super powers. Bullshit science. Villains who pop out of nowhere with no context or reason. And a character so bland and boring that replacing him with a jar of pickles would be an improvement.
"Lady Death never did tell me if I had a time-limit. Though I guess it's rather obvious now."
Shorthand for, ‘I wanted to do the seven days thing like Kingdom Hearts, but I didn’t think of that until chapter 7. And this is chapter 7.’
It turns out that Maxi has been made powerless by the battle against Ulysses Grant. (Bets on how long that will last) He begins to mope and wonders how he can repent for his sins (again, sins that we never actually see) if he is dead. But how can he die if Death is also dead? These are questions that the story doesn’t bother asking!
His hair, while still deep red had lost it's magical style. It laid flat to his head sadly.
Oh, no! Not his hair! Not his beautiful locks!
Ha, that joke never gets old.
He was unable to summon his weapons to practice with. He couldn't even cast a basic spell.
First world problems, bro.
So, yeah, it continues on like this for several paragraphs with ‘I’m not special anymore. I don’t have any super powers. And Twilight won’t love me. Wah, wah, wah!’ Oh, get the fuck over yourself.
Meanwhile, Twilight is worried about Maxi. Not sure why, he just proved that he’s willing to kill a friend of his because he interrupted his beauty sleep. Obviously, he’s not well in the head!
But unfortunately, Twilight got jipped of the solitary brain cell the characters in the story had to share. And thinks ‘There must be a reason why he shot my friend’s brains out. He’s really a good person. Doesn’t matter if he hits me because the mustard isn’t oozing over the sides of the sandwich.’
We then have something about a ‘Cluck Status’ … I don’t fucking know.
"Well... that's unfortunate. I hoped we had more time. Cluck status?!" Herbert called to his bird as it chirped in a automated voice "Restoration at 100% probability of success 99.9 Repeating. Baring Variable of Target's Demise preservation is certain." "Ah wonderful. Glad to see something's gone right in this mess. Cluck prepare the chamber for the subject's energy and I shall return post haste!" Cluck nodded to it's instructions as the Crazed doctor ran towards the beacon of light.
Does that mean that Maxi is turning into a chicken? Because that would make this story a lot more interesting.
It turns out that Dr. Zaius is experimenting on Maxi, even though he’s never been to this world before because he was originally in the human world as a person, who was murdered by a thug and killed by a negligent doctor. Has a sister, and a grandfather, since he used a knife from him. Made a deal with Death to repent for his sins. Any of this ringing a bell, author?
And the author wonders why one of the first comments on this story is about how much of a fucking mess it is.
Princess Celestia arrives and explains that Luna was taken off the case of helping Maxi, something that WE never see, but it plays so well in the story’s head that is shoved so far up it’s own Sparkle Butt.
It’s proven by this next point.
Celestia explains that when Maxi dies, any life that was created by him will also cease to exist, because science! And that would mean Twilight’s child would die. Even though it’s only been 3 days since they had sex and there is no way an embryo would develop in that time, but hey, the author doesn’t give a shit, why should I?
Maxi arrives at the lab and Dr. Zaius takes a DNA sample from him. Which he then makes into a potion and then forces Twilight to drink it. Hmm… so that’s why Twilight goes insane and starts killing her friends. To be fair, this would make a lot more sense than anything else in this piece of shit.
Twilight drinks it, without vomiting, I can’t imagine Mary-Sue tastes very good, and is forced to kiss Maxi before he dies. Oh, I’m sorry, this will actually bind his soul to this plane and he won’t die. Actually, he does die and his daughter new powers.
That’s right. The child is a girl. You know what that means?
That our hero comes back to life in the very next chapter! Because we can’t have a strong female character showing up our boy.
… Yep… He comes back. Next fucking chapter.
… Done.
That’s right. I’m not finishing this fucking story.
I don’t give a shit how much AWESOM stuff is just waiting beyond chapter 9, I’m not slogging through another 10 chapters to find out.
The second, the very second, you have your character brought back to life before I have even given a chance to light his body on fire, you ruin the moment of his death. It’s not even one fucking chapter for us to miss the character before he dies. And that makes his death scene all the more fucking pointless, as if the chapter itself where he does die wasn’t stupid enough already.
Death is not just something you just brush off and change whenever the fuck you want.
Death is something that should have real fucking weight to it and should be felt not just by the characters within the story, but by the audience as well. And how do you do that you ask? By making us give a damn about the characters and making death mean something.
And you’ve fucked up both.
You’ve fucked up both, Universe of Dreams.
I neither give a shit about your goddamn Mary Sue ‘I’m better than all of you’ bullshit. Nor do I feel that death has any actual meaning in this universe. Since the character at the end of the last chapter was speaking to our prop, Twilight Sparkle, and then two paragraphs into the next chapter he’s a spirit talking to the prop and by the end of the chapter, he’s fine because of reasons.
The story says that a year has past since his death, but I didn’t believe it. I will continue to not believing that, because it feels like the character has been dead for probably six minutes. And that was probably seven minutes too long for the fucking story to go without its baby.
And if death has no meaning in this world, why would I want to continue reading the story if there is no risk involved for the characters? I know how it’s fucking going to turn out. None of the characters that matter will die. And all the characters that don’t matter will die. And for some reason will not be allowed to come back to life. And even if characters that matter do die, Dr. Zaius can just create a new body for them, and they’ll be fucking dandy within a day or two.
At least most horrible stories I read wait til the end of the story to use their ‘Death means nothing to me’ bullshit card.
This story didn’t even wait until the halfway point.
Reversing death does not build interest. If anything, it takes away interest. It takes away investment. It takes away any reason for me to continue reading this piece of fucking shit.
And that’s why I’m ending the review of this story here, if the story isn’t interested in itself, why the hell should I be?
The biggest problem with this story is not that it has a Mary-Sue character in it’s plot. The biggest problem is that the plot is incomprehensible.
It’s trying to do a big epic tale, but it’s also trying to be five different epic tales at once without any effort to balance them or connect them in a way that they build off each other.
To start, the main character’s main goal vanishes within the first chapter. Since he is both brought back to life and is given powers in this world that he normally wouldn’t have, thus making death a boon to him instead of a bane.
And even if it had been something that did hinder him, the character’s goal to come back to life makes no sense. This would have worked better with a character like from The Exile of Daimon, where the character is portrayed as a horrible person and he needs to redeem himself for bad things he’s done. And we actually had seen the bad things he had done and why he needed to redeem himself.
That doesn’t excuse it from being a pile of vile, cliche garbage, but it made it a step above this story by remembering that if a character is going to have a redemption story, the character has to have something to redeem themselves for instead of demonic possession.
This is why (despite it being canon) I loathe the demonic spirit possessing Luna and making her the evil Nightmare Moon, instead of Luna being upset and angry that she forces herself to do wrong in order to do what she thinks is right.
Because it takes away from the personal struggle of the character with trying to take the easy route instead of the route that is right. We’ve all done that. We’ve all made excuses to take the easy road instead of the one that we morally should. And that makes a character instantly more relatable if they have these moments that most people have.
This story doesn’t do that. Instead, preferring to make the sins as distant from the character as possible by adding a demon in his heart that makes him do the bad things instead of the character being a flawed, but functional human being.
Several points in the story have no reason to exist and do not further the characters or the story itself. The battle for the crown against Blueblood didn’t go anywhere and had no consequences for the character losing his temper and nearly killing everyone as a result.
The fact that Twilight Sparkle had basically had sex with the first stallion she had seen on the street because it was a mating season, as if she was some base intelligence, is far more insulting than anything that a writer like Mykan can do to a character, since it striped her of all free will and ability to control lustful urges and be a stronger, intelligent character because of it.
Mykan would at least have the character fall in love with a character before deciding that they needed to make babies together.
The setting is completely pointless and there is literally no reason for this story to take place in Equestria.
There is nothing that Equestria adds to the story by having it take place there. The world doesn’t offer anything to the character, the character doesn’t offer anything to the world, the interesting world of fantasy that Equestria offers doesn’t give anything to the story since the story doesn’t take advantage of it.
The only reason this takes place in Equestria is so that the story could make it play out in his sexual fantasies, despite the author saying that he is uncomfortable doing so.
And many of you may say that ‘The story might get better, you’ll never know, so this review doesn’t count.’ Actually, this review does count. Because a story should be able to absorb the reader in a short amount of time. That is what a good story does.
It is able to make you forget you are reading pages of a dead tree, or reading a screen on a computer or your phone while you wait for the next thing to distract yourself between sleep and work. It makes you forget you have work in a hour.
A good story is able to transport you into it’s world and it’s characters and make you feel what’s going on around you. Make you see the world in your mind. Most stories are only given a few paragraphs to do this before the reader moves on and decides that they will take their time elsewhere.
I gave this story ten chapters to suck me into it’s world, which was far more than it deserved. Yes, you can write a million words, but you don’t get points for that if you’re boring. Because you’re just making more boring. And Universe of Dreams turns out to be a Universe of Cliches, which is extremely uninspired.
And that was a disaster in 20000 words or less, I hope you all enjoyed it. I know I most certainly didn’t, but perhaps you all got a laugh out of the story’s self masterbation session. And me watching said session, while masterbating to myself.
Why can't social awkwardness win me a many babes in real life as it apparently can in fanfiction?
You know, I just got through "Four scor divided by four" I might as well remind myself why I hate HIE again.
Must...not...make see\ing the pattern joke!
Dude, if it was Death of the Endless, I say skip equestria and bang that girl!!!
Wow, getting me flashbacks.
Its a Unicorpian, kill him! Or, if this is Fall of Starfleet, pity him!
...... I actually feel like you're picking bad stories on purpose because this is the SECOND one. I'd like to see you review a good story. I mean seriously dude you're getting really pissed and depressed by shitty writing and it worries me.
Why must there always be violence going in to Equestria? I mean, can we have a story where Equestria pulls a Narnia when the human character walks into an old coat closet?
Not particularly, no. I mean, I want to care, but his getting to Equestria is so... generic. At least have him kill a god or two on his way there.
Or use my previous suggestion.
Also, who besides Rarity uses "Ruffians" these days?
... That's actually pretty neat.
And yet it will never be as cool as Ruby Rose's gunscythe.
Even I don't own the rights to that, because he's a gun.
allworldwars.com/image/032/Maxim1904-01.jpg
Who names their kid "Maxim"?
"Even then, living in an asylum has not done me wonders. The food is bland and some idiot named Jupiter Williams thinks she's a superhero."
Also, should be a comma behind "Kingdom Hearts". And as someone who has never played Kingdom Hearts, how am I supposed to know what that's like?
... He knows too much.
I like the version where he just ran around screaming "CAPTAIN PLANET!!!" while kicking people in the balls.
At least when I did it, Princess Celestia sent professional sailors/treasure hunters to find the hidden MacGuffin... of course, that story isn't very good, but that's something else entirely.
I heard about that last one completely by accident. I was writing a blog post for God Empress sequel explaining how Caribou were Equestria's Canadians (to contrast the rest of the Deer being Equestria's elves) and someone told me they were worried they'd be a bunch of slave trading rapists. It was... rather eye opening for me.
You either die an ignoramus, or live just long enough for someone to see how shitty your story is.
Also, no dialogue. It's just like The Hunters, where the narrator just explains everything to us.
This guy, he gets it. There is nothing worse than a dishonest writer.
Speaking from personal experience, that is a very good idea. Also, color is a bitch to format on this platform.
Crescent Rose is still better.
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/rwby/images/3/34/CrescentRose_Scythe.png/revision/latest?cb=20151129200131
Look at that thing.
Again, the story where the Average Joe got lost in the woods and wandered into Equestria, had no special powers or the like, yet still saved the day because he's the reincarnation of King Arthur was much better.
Thank you for breaking your pacing even more. It's not like I wanted to actually read a story today.
Either that or Prototype.
I still think Spike has it easy; he never has to be in these bad fics, so he can just go off and do whatever it is that he does.
You know, it's kind of a given you don't own any of this, else you would be writing in an official capacity. I removed these sorts of warnings when I started writing The Empress Returns.
Also, yes, the characters acting OOC is not a problem; it happens all the time. But they should still retain enough of their original characterization that they are still identifiable as those characters. That was a criticism I received when writing Mare of Steel, and it has stuck around with he for some time.
Crescent. Rose. Is. Better.
s3.roosterteeth.com/images/nobodynat50abcdf67a3b0.jpg
And again, there are a million better names for weapons that I could think up right now. Names like Godsplitter, the Fist of Dorn, I could go on.
Although the demons certainly don't help matters.
The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend...
I'm guessing you meant from the story proper? Well, I can't help you there.
And what does this have to do with the original storyline?
Probably a bouncy castle.
BOO! Bad author!
Good fight scene time.
No, this is dark:
What you just wrote? That is someone trying to be dark and edgy, but violence and death alone only go so far. Here, it's just gratuitous and contributes noting to the overall plot.
(In other notes, if I went with my original plan and rewrote God Empress as a crossover with the original Warhammer, this would have been the character Chrysalis would be based off of)
Your alternative was much better.
This means nothing to me.
And ultimately, the story did not go anywhere. Not a single coherent plot thread among them.
Maybe there's a good story out there that can relieve the pain, but I'm not sure.
... and Crescent Rose is still better than this Sue's weapons, whatever they were.
i.imgur.com/npq8BFH.png
4196806 Right?!
4196925 I appreciate your concern. I really do. But I wouldn't worry about it. This is something I do love doing and while I may get angry at certain fics, I'm only angry out of passion for what I love.
As for depression, there is no one singular thing that is causing it. It could be my feeling of lack of self worth or a number of other issues. But it's hardly these reviews that cause me to ache. If anything, they make me feel a little bit better. Because they allow me to do something I love and talk about something that I feel is really important to me.
They give me a sense of accomplishment every time I post them and reading your guys response to them helps me in very big ways. If you guys are having a good time reading these reviews, then it makes it worth it to me. And when I feel that what I'm doing has value, I can feel like I have value too.
Again, I understand where you are coming from and I am grateful to have such a person as you in my life that cares about me and is worried about me. So, thank you for continuing to care and show your support. I'm not going anywhere. I've been to rock bottom before and now it's just climbing back up. And I'm doing that everyday. Again, thank you for your support and compassion. I really do appreciate it.
4197697 Good to hear.
4196962
Aren't they the same thing?
Ooo, that wouldn't be too bad. Especially if she was the main villain of the story throughout it's entirety. (Well, other than Nightmare Moon.)
4197716 She would have (others like Tirek and Discord would have their sections devoted to their defeat), and perhaps would have helped Celestia defeating Nightmare Moon (which was going to be largely jealousy based, with a dash of paranoia, and less "possessed by a demon"; Luna heard a prophecy about some great evil sweeping down from the north to ravage Equestria and sought to prevent it, becoming a bit more paranoid and jealous of Celestia for a variety of reasons. Eventually she headed north to smite the coming evil, but when it turned out it was actually going to be her all along, she... didn't take that very well)
Whether that would have worked or not is up for speculation.
Buck me, that sounded awful. I mean, Human in Equestria in general is never a good idea, but this sounded like a whole new level of wretched!
Well, that is nothing new. Emo being another.
I remember a joke. Yes! I remembered a joke. OK, here it is. I wish my grass was emo, so it would cut itself.
Though depending on one's mind set, it is easy to make fun of about anyone. Lowering one's self to stereotyping helps. ^.^
I am not even all that much of a bigot or racist. I mean for one who is strait I am one who could be in line of sight of two gay guys cuddling each other, and me just feeling happy for them. Yet even I can come up with a few bad jokes on others that is meaningless to me, but could be seen as funny and mean to others.
Here is one bad joke I came up with. How do you make a Jew bow at your feet? Toss a few coins on the ground.
As I said, stereotyping helps. ^.^
This I find odd, more sad than funny. We as a people feel the need to censer things like people enjoying some physical contact with each other, even if it is just two people hugging as something wrong, anything related to sex even more so, yet showing things like killing, death, and war is much more acceptable. It's on the news often enough.
Well, there blows an ill wind. And that is how life is with people. We can find value in another's misfortune or personal misery, and it is an old way we live by. We are the top apex predators on this planet, and it is in our nature to shun or feed on the weak whenever possible, even if it's our own. It's like a mental reflex to do so. And I see it a lot in person. We are drawn to do so when the opportunity is available to us.
In a way, I was so hoping that you would be reviewing a story that you may have actually liked.
But those seem to be few.
I wonder why it is that most stories I find to read myself I tend to enjoy them a lot.
One suggested such a story to me to read, one with humans in Equestria, and I enjoyed that one a lot. It is one of my top favorite stories. Even though there was some suggestive and questionable situations in it, there was no actual sex in it.
I just wish the one that was writing this story would continue it. Just like many others I have liked and asked if it would be continued, it seems to have been abandoned. No new chapters for about a year.
Kind of makes it suck to get into an unfinished story. I try to avoid that now, and try to get into only those that are marked complete.
I agree. Makes me wonder what he did do in his life to not make that moment matter.
You know, an Anime had much the same start to it, only you got to see how this guy was before he died. And from what I could tell, he was not all that bad of a guy, just bitter to things in life that suck.
He died saving a little boy from getting hit by a car. He died before his time, and for his sacrifice he was grated a chance to live again, if he passed a test. Giving his life to save some boy he did not know was not good enough in this cartoon. He had to do more than that.
Great! another one of these.
I am not agents a story about a human in Equestria. Hell, I may even write one of my own!
Yea, right.
I will do that the day I am tempted to write out a clop fic. Then it will be just like these other stories.
Kiss my furry ass everyone!
I am going to write a clop fic with a basic humanoid anthro fox stuck in Equestria. And everyone will love it, and him!
Well, maybe not. It's the thought that counts, yes?
I have come up with many reasons. Though I am not sure how many of them could be considered valid.
I think I would go with that too.
In that Anime I talked about, the guy failed his test, but was still given another chance. What nice people who have control over life and death in that cartoon.
Oh, there was a lady death in that cartoon as well, but she was not in charge of deciding this guys fate. She only carts him around and such. In short, she does not do much in it.
Wall of text. As writers we need to learn to tare down such walls before posting. Some walls must go.
I don't know. But to me, about the only cool thing about this so far is that it reminds me of the Gundam Wing Deathscythe Hell gundam.
That thing was awesome! And it had some sort of lightsaber scythe. I miss watching that cartoon.
Now that would be funny! I am going to pretend that is what is really going on. It will help make this a bit more entertaining.
I could go with that. Though the land of Equestria is not all cupcakes and rainbows.
There are many dangers one can stumble into in that world.
On top of that, these ponies are small, but not to be fucked with. Twilight alone could possibly turn him inside out, if he was to step out of line and commit another sin in her world.
You know I am feeling all the more tempted to try and write such a story of what I might do if I found myself in Equestria, and try to make it a good one. If it was possible to make such a story good. That is with me writing it.
Yep! I learned that lesson. >.<
Holy shit! I was thinking the same damn thing while reading that part.
OK, I am going to add that too, as to what is going on in this story. I want to see it in my mind that he has to eat earth ponies to heal himself and such.
And no, eating animals is not a sin. Humans do it all the time. At least I do.
Well, does it matter if they can think like us to any extent? You know, like feel love, and pain, and fear, and empathy, and sympathy, and guilt, and... Boy, they have a good taste.
You are right critique. Even he feels it is fun to laugh at another's personal pain.
And I am wondering how making fun of Spike like this is helping Max to clear any of his past sins. Or, is it adding to them?
That is a plus.
Oh, shit. I was so hoping it was going to be called the Max Rainboom. This story failed me.
After seeing how she panics in the cartoon at times over being seen as anything less than great, I could see that happen.
I thought that is how she managed to create the Sonic Rainboom in the first place.
OR, was that what he was trying to get at with that statement, that she is the only being to do that, or the only other one?
Some how, I think not. And if not, what a way to make Rainbow Dash seem so less impressive.
I don't know, but I don't intend to use it in any of my bad fics. Like, ever!
Well, ass. Pony ass. As far as the eye can see.
Shake it for me!
Evil is good. Ass is good. And when you get yourself a piece of evil ass, WHOO!
Evil ass.
It's good.
I want your busyness so much I am willing to possess myself.
Wow! I got demons running through me, all through me. Come on down here and see it.
And if you act now, you get a free demon possession with every exorcism. Now, you can't get a better deal than that.
cdn.wegotthiscovered.com/wp-content/uploads/beetlejuice-2.jpg
I think I might have.
And if I am correct in this, seems he does not like the idea of getting it on with every mare in Ponyville. Balls. Well, there goes my boner.
Even though gravity is a force that helps control the obit of every plant throughout our solar system, and every planet throughout a galaxy, and is the pulling force of a black hole capable of bending and puling in light, gravity is called a weak force.
Possibly not what you are looking for.
Good question. I almost forgot that he is suppose to be doing that. And fucking ponies from another world will not add to his list of sins?
Well, maybe not, that is if Twilight and the others are into it, while knowing that he is not a real pony, but a pretender working to get his old life back, sin free.
I thought so.
Hell, even I had in one of my stories that Rarity admit to a small pony that she had been in a fight or two. I am sure some of the changelings will remember at least one of those times.
Shit. Now he has something that was said in one of my stories. Oh' well.
I think you have just given the answer as to why he has this scene in there. "It’s only there to make Rarity look bad, so that our main character can look good!" For some, that is all the reason that they need. There has been enough of these types of stories I think.
I will have to try to remember that. It's even better than any of my fight scenes so far.
I do think Herbert is asking his bird named Cluck for a status report. Though I do think it possibly should have been written- "Cluck, status?!" But I am just guessing.
That much I can respect.
I myself feel it to be bland if two hit it off, and go at it like rabbits, without any sort of reason they may wish to, other than by pure animal lust, just for the sake of it. Kinky, but boring, that is for a story.
Animated shorts pull it off, but that is all it is, an animated short of two just going at it. It's not even a story, or trying to be.
No. That would not be good. Loosing one's job over reading a pony story is not a good thing.
But, damn, what a great story it must be to being able to do that. And this was not that.
4198498
I did see a few I did like of those, and one to two in my top list of favorites. One was a human girl that became Octavia Melody. That one I felt is one of the best of that type I have seen. And nothing at all like this story.
4196962
One of my favorite humans in Equestria story has something like the start of the second Narnia movie.
Two friend was on a field trip in a deep jungle, and found a cave that has some life size pony sculptures in it. Then they see a fire bird that causes the cave to flood with water. Shortly after they found themselves in a world they never saw before.
They know not why they are there, but Celestia suggests that it was a possibly a prank of some sort by one like her pet bird, Philomena. That is after they described to her what they saw before arriving.
And no. These two that ended up there knows nothing of Equestria nor has a sex fetch for ponies. It is a totally new experience for them to know of the place.
And they are not some overpowered anything that everyone there loves or fears. They are just visiting humans nothing more.
Though they did have some sort of aura that makes it hard for magic to work on them well, but hardly impossible. If a unicorn wished to raise one of them in the air high enough for a drop to kill them, that was possible.
Sadly this is one of those unfinished stories I don't think will ever be finished.
Kill him. Quickly.
Or many see it.
Thought on the up side, if one does, though given opinions of it, one can at least gain some form of incite as to why at least one sees it as shitty. If not more. And for some, more is better.
Some of mine is about the opposite. It has much dialogue. Likely way too much for many readers to keep their interest in it.
I thought of doing that once, but quickly decided on my own that it was a bad idea.
How about Tide Turner?
No. That just sounds like something one would throw in the wash to clean one's cloths.
Talk about dark, the part in the cartoon Pinocchio by Disney had their real dark scene where the boys was turned into donkeys, then made into slaves.
No blood, or anyting like that, but they did it up as something quite dreadful. Mostly that part you got to see Lampwick turn.
Now that is dark and edgy, without it being anything more than that. There was no need for gore in it either to sell it as something dark.
4196925
I kind of felt the same at the top of this. I was hoping to see something that was thought of as good. And for part of the same reasons you stated.
A saying, "Misery loves company." Kind of makes me feel as if bad fics are chosen as some form of self punishment. This thought is troubling.
4197697
OK, so I see that is not the case. Carry on.
4196853
Same with the one I was thinking of. Yu Yu Hakusho. Death is damn hot in that cartoon.
4196806
That's just real life. It be fiction otherwise.
Though truth be told, it can and does work out that way for some people in real life. It almost worked for me with one I was seeing, about two years ago. ^.^
But other situations and problems got in the way that had nothing to do with it. And that too is unfortunately a part of life for some.
4200068 Wow. Yu Yu Hakusho sounds a lot more messed-up now than it did when I first saw it ten years ago...
4200828
That cartoon, as well as a lot of other anime is fairly messed up. Though not near as messed up as something like Fighting Foodons, or Bo Bo Bo Bo Bobo. Things like those two I will never watch. >.<
As for Yu Yu Hakusho, watch at least the first season over again, and see how your perspective of it may have changed over that time. It should be funny to see how you may view it now.