This is our story... · 7:35am Aug 31st, 2016
As some of you might know, for the past 4 years, I’ve been dealing with depression. It’s been difficult for me to cope with it and it’s affected me in a very negative way. Taking away a lot of things that I enjoy and still enjoy.
I had been on the road to recovery for a while, before I came to the site and started interacting with you all. And I thought that the worst was behind me.
The past months have been very difficult for me. I’ve been very angry, I’ve been very sad, I’ve been very distant. Distant from everyone I know. My family. My friends. You guys. Everyone. I’ve had this feeling of just… wanting to be away from everyone. Just not wanting to be with anyone. For any reason.
At first, I thought it was because I was just tired, because that’s what depression does, it convinces you that it’s just you not feeling well, instead of this… horrible thing that has happened to you. It works your way into you and it makes you feel like you're feeling something else.
I know that’s funny to say because how could you not know that there’s something wrong. How could you not know that you aren’t feeling well? The truth is you don’t really think about it like that. And that’s what I’ve been doing is… not feeling well, but putting it off as something else.
I bought Fire Emblem Fates about six months ago. And I still haven’t taken it out of its casing. I thought it was because I just didn’t want to play it at the time. But recently, it’s been more I don’t want to play it. Period. I don’t want to write, I don’t want to Rp, I don’t want to do anything I enjoy.
I’ve lost my passion for doing the things I do. I sometimes write, but I don’t … feel like writing. You know? I feel like I’m just going through the motions and not actually trying. Not trying to improve, not trying to create something interesting. Just… being a shell.
And, I want to get it back. I’m just… not sure how yet. But, hopefully, this, what I’m doing right now, will help.
This is the first in, what I hope will be a very long, series of blogs. Posts where I talk about how I’m doing, which has always been a weakness of mine. I’ve never been one to post my daily life on the internet or how I’m feeling. I try to keep those things separate.
But, I feel like I have to do this. This is part of my recovery. This is me doing my part for those who are going through, maybe not the same, but something similar that I’m going through. It’s not going to be all doom and gloom, I do want to talk about things that make me happy. Things that I enjoy. Or a favorite memory of mine. But I want to be able to look back at all this I’ve gone through and realize ‘I made it.’ ‘I did it.’ I want to feel like I am still here. After all that. I want you to feel that you're still here after all you’ve gone through or are going through.
But I still want to talk about depression and things that I’m doing to help myself heal and hopefully, if you are going through something similar, you find something in this that helps you. Maybe it’s a method of healing, maybe it’s as simple as knowing that someone understands what you are going through. Obviously, depression affects everyone differently and it’s caused by different things and people have different methods of healing.
So, with all that said, this is something that makes me happy.
*** Salt Lake Comic Con 2014 ***
I was driving home from work, one day. It was … I think early August. And as I drive home, there’s this billboard that I pass, everyday. And I didn’t really think of it, because, it’s the same message it’s always been. But I caught a glimpse of something. It didn’t really catch on until like several days later, when I actually came back to that sign.
I looked at it, and I realized it was advertising a comic con. And I was really confused because, Comic Cons don’t come to where I live. They don’t come to Salt Lake. They only are in big cities and big states with lots of money. So, I went online and I confirmed it.
And I was really excited. I had never been to a convention before. I had no idea what to expect. But I bought my tickets, with my siblings and my older brother’s wife, who had planned on being Wonder Woman for Halloween, dressed up as Wonder Woman for this.
And, we wandered inside, and there was so much stuff. There were all these booths with t-shirts of your favorite nerdism or whatever. Superheroes, anime, video games, ponies, whatever you were into. They had jewelry, metal crafting, artwork, authors, just everything you could imagine.
I remember as I was passing through the artist gallery, I would see artwork that I had seen on deviantart and the like. And I remember talking to one of the people there and they say that not all of them go to each con. They sometimes have people who represent them. Actually, I just now thought how much they get of the profit. Kind of curious now.
But, there was a big name actor who we all wanted to see. Ray Park. Some of you might know him from Star Wars as Darth Maul or Toad from the X-Men movies. But we went in line to see him and I guess he was impressed with my sister-in-law's Wonder Woman costume that he let us take a free picture with him. Because we actually were only wanting to see him and talk to him. We didn’t know that when you went up to one of these people, you had to buy something.
That’s how it was back in 2014. I’m not sure how it is now. But, we didn’t know, and maybe Ray wanted to give to us something to make the experience memorable. And he did. We got a free photo with him. I don’t think he was supposed to do that, but it… made the experience very enjoyable and it kind of set the tone for what I hold in future cons. That I would see in future cons is… the cons aren’t for the actors. They aren’t for the artists. Or the writers. Or whatever. It’s for the fans.
This is their love letter to the fans. This is for everyone who enjoys the work they do. This is to give them a chance to meet and thank those people for the wonderful entertainment that they have given us. And many of the people at the cons are so wonderful.
I actually talked to a gentlemen at the last con I went to, who was apparently at the first con, where John De Lanice, made an appearance. If you don’t know who that is, he’s Q from the Star Trek series and Discord in the My Little Pony series.
Anyway, he had found out I was a brony, not that I was really hiding it. And the man was just so impressed by John. With how funny he was, with how kind he was, saying that he was the nicest person, the nicest guest that they’ve ever had at comic con. And I kicked myself for not being able to see him. But I know others got to. And I’m sure they had a magnificent time with him.
I got to see a lot of cosplay and it’s what made me want to get into cosplay and dressing up and things like that. We only got to spend one day there, but that one day was just… so memorable.
If any of you have seen the Nightmare Before Christmas, the scene where Jack ends up in Christmas Land for the first time. That was me. I was Jack and Christmas Land was Comic Con. I think that’s kind of why I go to these cons is because I want to get that feeling again. That kind of… wide eyed wonder if you will. That kind of magic that I had no idea existed.
***Seeking Help***
When you’re depressed and when you feel like you aren’t worth it or you feel useless, the most difficult thing in the world is seeking help or admitting that you need help. And that’s a hard thing to do. It’s really hard for me to do.
I’m the kind of person who tries to do things on their own, doesn’t impose on others, likes to be out of the way, doesn’t make a fuss. And, for four years, I had tried to solve this on my own. And I couldn’t. I never could. And it got really, really bad. To the point where I had to go and get help. I had to finally admit that, I couldn’t fix this on my own. I needed support. I needed friends. I needed my family.
I started seeing a doctor about it the first time, and in the past week, I’ve actually gone back. And there’s no shame in that. There’s no shame in getting help. It doesn’t make you weak. Depression is not something that just goes away on it’s own and I found that out the hard way.
I’ll leave a number you can call if you do need help as well as a couple of websites. One website actually gives you a list of therapists in your area. I’ve used those a couple times.
But if you do feel like you are struggling and life is … too hard and that you don’t see the point, please, find some help. Find someone to talk to. It doesn’t even have to be a therapist. It can be a close friend, a family member who you trust with these feelings you have. But don’t try to ignore it.
It’s so easy to just ignore it and pretend that you’re just a bit under the weather. You just pretend that it doesn’t hurt or pretend that it doesn’t bother you. I remember whenever someone would ask me if they wanted to hang out or go to a restaurant or go to a movie, I would say “I don’t want to do any of those things.” Which translated into ‘I don’t want to do anything. Period.” I didn’t want to enjoy myself or to do anything except be miserable. And that’s not helpful.
So, please, if you do have these feelings in you, if you feel like this, if you feel depressed, find some help. There are people out there who want to help you. We’ll get through this. We’ll make it.
Anyway, thank you for letting me talk about this. I want to do this biweekly with the reviews. And it's something I feel is important.
I haven’t given up. I don’t want to give up. And I hope you don’t give up. Cause I won’t give up on you. Thank you. Take care, everyone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255
Websites that may be helpful:
http://www.7cups.com/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/
I am not trained in mental health and do not suggest following my own ways of dealing with depression if they do not seem like they would be a good fit for you.
Thank you for posting this. I personally haven't struggled with major depression, but I do know what it's like to lose your desire to write, to lose the passion as it were. It's probably killed more story ideas of mine than anything else; even just the thought that none of my work is any good is enough to derail my muse for days if not permanently (which is a thought I struggle with a lot, now that I think about it). I'd say it goes away, but it doesn't; it likes to linger about and pop up at the worst times.
I definitely think talking about it helps; it's good to have some trusted confidants to talk to, rather than just bottling it up inside.
I've only been to one or two Cons in my life. GenCon Indy was great, though I probably should have come on my own time so I could have participated in the games that took place at night after all the vendors had closed down. I think the best one was one my girlfriend (now fiancee) and I went to two years ago in Portland. It was a small affair, but I enjoyed myself immensely for three reasons: I got that stuffed cat I modeled Watson on in the My Little Avengers story, we got to participate in a lightsaber training course, and I met Dante Basco (Rufio from Hook and the voice of Zuko, Jake Long, and a bunch of others I can't think of right now). Dante's a pretty cool guy, and a surprisingly good poet, and it was cool to actually put a face to the voice.
Thanks again for sharing this
I get that a lot myself, being distant from others I mean.
I tend to tell myself that it is because I am an introvert. I am not entirely sure if that is fully true however.
The one thing that tells me that this is so, is I am truly happier when I am alone. I don't get depressed as easy when I am. I get more depressed and much more easy if I am around others.
The thing that makes me rethink this of myself is at some rare times I do feel the need to socialize with others.
I do tend to think that this is due to the fact that I am human, and just simply as a human that I will feel the need to talk to others at times. Though many of my interactions that don't turn out so well, or simply lack of them with others, turns me off from that thought.
Much of this does leave me feeling a little confused as to what to think.
I know many are dealing with much the same issues, it's not just me, and from what I can tell, you too. Thought not entirely in the same way.
Yes. It seems that way for me as well. As I said I am not all too sure what is the cause of the way I feel.
For the most part, I just drum it up to my interactions with others not being all to pleasurable, or enjoyable, and I wish it was. I feel sad that despite just how clever and smart people are suppose to be, for me spending time with animals, even just a dog or a cat (mostly a dog), tends to be so much more fulfilling than most of my time around people.
Partly why I tend to favor Fluttershy as my favorite pony, I just feel I can relate to her.
I am by far not the only one who has said this about the difference in spending time with people vs animals. Even a few I work with at work have told me much the same.
And others feel they can't do with out having other people around and animals for them are no substitute. They feel that idea as stupid or silly.
Not every one feels the same about their time spent with others.
I don't think that is funny at all. Nor unusual.
And I don't think people know themselves as well as they think they do. That is, there is the reality, and then there is a persons perception as to what is going on, even with themselves.
I would say that any given person's own perception of reality don't give them the whole truth, as much as many people may think that it does.
If one was loosing their mind, how would they know?
I take this as a very serious question by the way.
There is also the odd questions that some people do come up with that makes me question the ability of others to reason reality well.
Some such questions as, If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody was there to hear it, did it make a sound? I call this question a no brainer, but some seem unsure about such questions as to what the answer could be. This scares me that any can be made confused by that question.
That one, and this question related to Schrödinger's Cat as a metaphor.
It states that as a cat has a 50/50 chance of dying in a box that may or may not kill the cat, that the cat is both dead and alive, until it it observed as to what condition the cat is in.
To me such an idea is in itself is madness, and a waste of human thought. Though some do spend time thinking of such things, and wonder how true it could be.
As for what this metaphor is really about, is the supposed state of an atom in quantum physics. It is believed that an atom Qbit has three states, unlike a bit that is just 0 or 1. The tree states of a Qbit is thought to be 0, 1, or a 0 and a 1 at the same time, that is until the moment it's state of it can be observed at any given moment.
Confused yet? Well, if you are, so are some of the top minds in the world trying to figure this shit out.
My view of this is that the state of a Qbit may change so quickly that it may seem like it is in two states at the same time. It is as if your vision saw in a much slower rate than a fast moving object.
Look at something like fan blades spinning fast. It looks as if it is in many positions at one point in time to the eye, but it reality is just moving faster than the eye and human mind can track.
But if you was to take a photograph with a high speed camera, you would be able to observe it's position at the single moment in time the picture was taken, and see that it is not in two or more states as one's eyes may tell you.
This line of thinking I think could be applied to the quantum physics of Qbits as on how some should think on what it's states are, that is better than the Schrödinger's Cat as a metaphor. Though I am no quantum physicist, so my view of this theory would not count in any science community or collage.
I am just a country bumpkin after all.
I hope you don't feel I am getting off track with this. I am just stating that even the smartest of people can seem to have a big brain fart as on how to explain to others something that even they themselves may not even know all to well. Yet they may try with such things as the Schrödinger's Cat as a metaphor.
In short, I do feel that even the best of us can get quite confused with the reality of things, and not fully able to tell what is really going on. Not enough to tell anyone else, that is.
I ask, if such people as any given physicist can't say for sure what the reality of everything really is, then how are average people suppose to know how life, our mind, and the world around us works?
So, I say, don't feel too bad if you do feel lost as to how to think and feel about every little thing in life, or even the big things. I don't think even the brightest of us has all the answers either. I know I sure as hell don't, even though I really wish I did.
If I did, I probably would be able to set myself up with a better life than what I have, and not have made all the big mistake I have made in life as well.
I have been going though much the same, but I feel for myself it is also in part due to some sort of transitions within myself to search for more in life, and not get stuck in doing the same things over and over. Mostly I am loosing any feeling that any of it is of any importance to me anymore.
I have gotten that way about my game making projects. I start one, only to loose interest in it, in favor of starting something fresh and new, only to loos interest in that as well. While I am doing that, nothing of importance to me actually gets done.
And it's not like these things I work on isn't anything I don't wish to be doing, and yet, I do loose interest in them just the same.
So I think I know just a little bit of what you are saying, even if I don't personally understand why you and I feel that way about the things we wish we had more of an interest in doing, that is, enough interest in them to get things done, or just to be doing them at all.
Seeing as to how people can be online, mostly when you do open up to people with most any truth about one's self, and how some will swoop down like hungry vultures for any tidbits they can pick off of you, than pick on you with it, I have little to no interest in doing that myself.
My personal life is mine, and mine alone. Not even those that I live with know me all too well. Not really.
Then this could be a good thing for you and others. I know I can't say if it will be or not.
In my own personal experiences, this could go either way. It may not turn out as you may hope, but I do wish you luck with the results you seek.
Aside from any real jerks, I do find it does gain more positive results to share with others things that you do enjoy.
But even as a Brony of sorts, one will have to deal with seeing other call such a person that simply enjoy the cartoon, and some of the fan made media, being called just a bunch of furraggs, and pony fuckers.
As a Furry and a Brony I see such a lot, throughout the web.
I know, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know about it.
That is so true.
As for me, as one who does deal with it at times, I do feel I am generally a very happy person, more now than I ever was.
I wish this was so for others. But for me, I know how I got to where I am with it, is in part by my life situations, and not just how I feel. Those that don't have going for them what I have, as to how I got this way, may not work for them.
Simply put, I don't have others trying to punch me in the face anymore just for living. So, I can't help with just words, to those that have such hardships I am not having anymore. It just will not work. And I know this.
This is so cool!
Though I do feel bad that you did not get to see him.
I feel like kicking myself for the same thing, even though I was not even there.
Though what you said about the comic con, I gone through a few time at the Halloween cons healed in Worcester Mass, called Rock & Shock. I got to meet many of the actors who preformed in some of my favorite films. Each of them were great to see and get to talk to.
I know I would love to have gotten a chance to talk to, or even just see John De Lanice in person. Just once. An I know, he has been in a lot more than just to play a Q and Discord. He played in a few sci-fi movies I liked, an I liked seeing him in each of them, I just like his acting. One movie he was in called Evolver where he played the inventor of a robot.
Such moments in life that can make one feel that way is to me much of what makes life so much worth living.
It is hard. This I know very well.
I do feel quite fortunate in that when it does come around that I can just kick it in the head and make it slink away until it want to try for another round. Still it is stubborn and does not stay away for long. It hides in the back of my mind, just waiting for me to show any signs of weakness it can try to exploit.
There are times I like attacking it. It's better than attacking people for the way I may feel, and winning against it each time helps with my resolve that I have it in it's place.
This is all a hard thing for me to describe.
That is how I like to be as well.
But you know better. You know I can get a bit irritating about things that bother me at times. And that is not how I wish to be with others. It is something I feel I need to work on.
No, I would say not. Not when one really needs it.
As for me, I did have some counseling in the past. And not just school counselors, though I had plenty of thous as well. I had seen many for years. Not one could feel they cold do a thing for me.
As far as they could tell, I did not have a mental state in not being able to rationalize what was going on in my life. It was just that I could see all too well how people are to each other and how they have been to me. And that was simply something they could not fix.
Other than my dark view I have of people, they saw me as, well as some of them described it, one who understood some things just a little too well, and it simply bothered me what I saw in people through my observation of them. They could not tell me that things are better than how I saw it because they knew what I told them of what I saw, and how I saw it as was true.
This was years of talking to many of them, and each of them came to that concussion about me. And each of them liked me a lot, from what I could tell. They saw me as just a happy yet sad person. Overall happy, but sad over how people can be to one another, and for no other reason than that they can. And they know I have a hopelessness that people all over will not do better by each other, that is, more than they do.
Cruelty in one way or another is just inherent in each of us, as I see it. And each who shows it, my not recognize or even care that they do show it to others, even if each show it in different ways that others my not.
It's like how some may feel killing is OK, but rape and torture is not. That to make others suffer is worse than killing them.
While some my think rape and torture is OK but killing is not, that killing is just a waste of a life, even one that can be used in some way.
Each are a bad way of thinking, but each don't see it that way, each simply feel that it is the other that has the wrong kind of thinking. And each unwilling to admit, at least enough to stop the harm they do, that the way they themselves think is wrong on how they my treat others.
And it is so easy for any to think that their ways are OK, that is when they have others that support their view openly and do much the same them selves as those that they support.
I see the hatters all over that hate, each have it for each of their own reasons, and have others support them in their hate. Be it hate of furries, bronies, those from japan, those who cant spell right but still wish to share their thoughts with others, being black, being open with others bout themselves, trying to be funny, having a certain dislike for something that others may like, liking something that others may not like, being unusual, being emotional, being unemotional. Hell the list goes on.
We are for better or worse it seems, more a hateful people than anything else. And we show that hate openly to each other, both in person and even more so online, near all the time.
Is it any wonder I would rather sit and be petting a dog all day, than spend time with people for more than an hour to two?
Though don't get me wrong. I don't just see the doom and gloom that others may carelessly put others through, for no other reason that they can.
No, I also see a very wonderful side to people as well. Sadly, I just don't feel that we show it enough. But it is there. It's like a light in the dark, and if you go looking for it and do find it, it can be a bit blinding in all that dankness people show they have.
A post like this one by you spideremblembrony (I know you had once posted your real name, but I forgotten it) is just such a light that I say I see form people as well. A side to people, that lets others know that many of us do care about one another, and each in our own ways.
I know I talk a lot about what I don't like about people. But there is plenty I do like about many people as well. Despite all hate, killing, and all around general cruelty we show we have, even if it is just verbal, there is a tremendous amount of good that goes on as well.
With the way many are, it's like Christmas all the time. The setting up and support of homeless shelters. A few kind words here and there. Just to talk to someone and to let them feel like they matter in some way.
A willingness to do for others, even without expecting any kind of compensation for it. Be it helping one to move, pay some bills, figure out a problem, to do some spelling or edit checking, share some art, some self made music, some stories, some animations, a video game, a joke or two, give ones time for games or just some casual social fun.
This as much as the hate people show can seem just as abundant if one looks for it, and not at all good to ignore that this too is how people can be as well.
Yes, I very much see this as well in people.
Still, it saddens me to know, we can show this much good to each other and so much more, and yet we are blindly cruel to one another carelessly as well. And that is something I could never understand. That very thought is part of my continual depression I have to keep kicking to the side.
This is something that no counselor has ever been able to help me with. They can't just up and change human nature. Not with everyone. Not near enough for the killing and hate to not be something one sees on TV or reads about online daily. They can't fix that, nor make me see it as something to not be bothered about. They can't make me not be bothered about knowing what does go on.
If it is not the Punching Game hospitalizing or killing people, it is face cutting with a razor, out on the streets, or relentless bullying that causes others to kill themselves, or turn a kind person into a killer to protect themselves from others who would hurt them. Or it's the shooting and killing and raping going on in other countries, other than just here in the states.
I just can't ignore all of that going on. It's just horrible human behavior, and I feel we should by now be better than this.
I will say this is good advise. It is! Even if none has been able to truly help me with my depression. Though I don't personally feel I need it. I know some do, and could benefit, with the right people helping.
This is how I wish to see people to be more like to one another.
And thank you for sharing. I know for many, this is a hard subject to talk about or share with others.
4183455
Then it is you and me both that feels this way at times.
I know I have said, "No! I can't take it. I will never write another shit fic nobody cares about again."
Then I go and post another story or two after.
What a drama queen I can be, Yes?
And for nothing.
Well, that caught my eye.
Though I am a sucker for near any romance story, or info of sorts. 
It's a weakness of mine.
OK, that sounds a bit odd but fun.
I did in the past take a short lesson in fencing.
It was at a medieval fair. I have been to a lot of those, and I have gotten dressed up for them too.
Anyway, for beating everyone there that tried fencing, I got the chance to try agents the teacher.
Oh, she beat me, but I did make her work for her win. Though this was no fluke. I did know how to do some sword fighting in the past before that. I got some training from a cousin in the SCA, and a sword enthusiast, and did a lot of LARPing for a few years as well. So, I was not entirely a novice at that sort of thing at that time.
Ok, I have to be honest. I didn't really read this because listening to people talk about depression like this makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But that's my issue, and I do not begrudge you in any way for writing about it. In fact I appareled you for it.
It's quite a feat to open up about a subject such as this, and you are a brave man for doing so. Besides, If even one person who feels the same way as you do, reads this, realizes that there not alone, that there help out there and it's OK to ask for it. If this post helps at least one person it would have been worth it.
kudos
Oh, and you really should get around to playing Fire Emblem (I'm assuming it's Fates). It's really good.
4185081 It's okay. You don't have to read these if you don't want to or if they make you uncomfortable. I write these to help people. And if reading them will make you upset or uncomfortable, than I don't want you to put yourself through that.
I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I want you to be okay. I'll put a warning before a few in case they get really difficult to talk about.
4185204
No, no. That's OK. I mean you shouldn't care to much about making me uncomfortable. That's really my issue to deal with not yours, and you do not have to apologize for that. In fact I should be apologizing to you, that mentioning that I was uncomfortable made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry.
I just mentioned it out of respect, both for you and the subject at hand, as my reason for basically saying "Yeah, I know this is impotent to you, but I'm not going to be here for this." Without trying to sound like a insensitive dick of course.
Besides leaving one or two people mildly discomfited is nothing if you can help other people dealing with issues like this. I mean come on, what sort of entitled asshat would I have to be if I forced you acknowledge and cater to my, let's face it, rather trivial apprehension. Especially when I could, as you said, just not read it.
Sorry, what I meant was: Relax, it's cool bro. You do what you want to do, and what you think is right. I'll just be other there doing my own thing and pooping in whenever the subject goes back to terrible fanfiction.
... I should shut up now.