• Member Since 19th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Aragon


Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)

More Blog Posts269

  • 4 weeks
    The Lens Through Which We See The World

    Read More

    41 comments · 1,575 views
  • 4 weeks
    Quickdraw Blog. BANG!

    Heya folks! This will be a quick blog, more rapid update outta necessity than witty commentary, so i'll cut straight to the chase. I've got good and bad news. The good, in my opinion, outweight the bad! But you be the judge:

    The Good

    Read More

    9 comments · 514 views
  • 16 weeks
    It Cuts Like a Knife; It Might Leave You Bleeding

    Story reviews are interesting because, sure, you can use them to know if a certain book will be the right one for you? But I feel they’re more useful when the review is in itself a tool to talk about storytelling in general. You review a book, but the book is a jumping-off point to discuss what it means to have good pacing; stuff like that.

    Read More

    30 comments · 905 views
  • 23 weeks
    A Full Year of Only Mondays

    Good morning. This is, from my point of view, a comedy blog. From the point of view of my family and loved ones, it's a horror story.

    I'm so fucking back, baby. Hi, all. Did you miss me? I know I did.

    Read More

    42 comments · 935 views
  • 34 weeks
    I'm a Wild Child; Born on the Blood Red Moon

    Read More

    19 comments · 919 views
Aug
3rd
2016

An Overwatch Fic, By Someone Who Doesn't Know Shit About Overwatch · 2:11am Aug 3rd, 2016

“Widowmaker? Can I… ask you a question?”

Reaper’s voice was soft like a pillow being fucked by a Rottweiler, but it still echoed through the empty corridors of Schoolverwatch.

Widowmaker’s answer came as fast as a French man. “Non. Fuck offé.”

“Do you think that… If you still had feelings…” Reaper gulped. “Do you think we could be friends?”

This made Widowmaker actually turn around and look at Reaper. More than that: she actually regarded him.

There was something different about him today. True, his owl-skull mask and black longcoat looked as emasculating as ever—but there was something else. Under all that macho bravado, there was clearly a scared child, desperately looking for some kind of human contact.

Widowmaker had no feelings, but she was still a sexy French lady—and all sexy French ladies knew how to say exactly what men wanted to hear.

“What le cheesefucké are you talking about.”

“Oh, I-I just… wanted to know. You know?”

“Non.”

Reaper’s face couldn’t be seen under his whole Reaper Gear, but Widowmaker could tell he was trying to smile, because he looked sadder than usual. “Well,” he said. “I’ve been having a bad day, and I think this is something I need to hear. You see…”


The sun shone brightly in the sky, that morning, as Reaper walked towards Schoolverwatch. Really brightly. Really really brightly.

It made Reaper think about his life, this kind of day.

Adulthood had never been easy on him, oh no. From the day he’d arrived to Schoolverwatch, he had been shunned away by the rest of the students; doubtlessly, because his mysterious and brooding figure inspired fear as well as awe. Only Widowmaker, the woman with no feelings, felt like hanging around with him now and then—and only if he paid for all her stuff.

And with the sun shining this much, and with all those groups of happy students going to class together around him, it was really apparent just how lonely Reaper really was. But it was his burden to carry: he who donned the heavy coat, donned the heavy solit—oh God he was so alone oh Jesus Christ why was his life like this what had he done to deserve this.

“Holy shit, it’s like forty-three degrees in here.” From behind him, Reaper could hear Reindhart’s deep baritone. “This is insane. I’m sweating like a—”

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE SPEAKING LIKE THAT. WHAT ARE YOU, A COMMUNIST?!

Ah. Of course. Wherever Reindhart was, Soldier 76 followed. Reaper slowed down a little, till he was walking side by side with the other two men. If he tried really hard, he could imagine that they were friends and he wasn’t so goddamn—

“What? Oh, shit, Celsius. Yes, yes, I know, I was just…” Reindhart pointed. “I was just reading that, y’see, the thermometer on that sign says—”

BLAM!

“…Says nothing, ‘cause you just shot it. Fuckin’ell.”

Soldier 76 managed to sound red, white, and blue when he talked. “I REFUSE TO READ ANY SINGS.

Reindhart waved a hand. “For Future-Christ’s sake, I know.”

THAT DON’T SPEAK MY LANGUAGE.

“Still pretty fucking hot, if you ask me.” Reindhart noticed Reaper, then, and almost on instinct he got away from him. “Oh. It’s you. Are you seriously dressing like that in this weather? Holy shit, you’re dripping. Your mask is all wet. You’re gonna die in there, Reaper.”

THE LANGUAGE OF AMERICA.

Then, Reindhart blinked, and squinted at Reaper. “Wait a minute. That’s not sweat dripping from your mask.”

THE LANGUAGE OF FREEDOM.

“Fuckin’ell. Reaper, are you…? Are you crying?

LET US SING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TOGETHER, MY FELLOW AMERICAN CITIZENS.

Reaper almost managed to whimper back a reply. Almost.

But then they turned a corner, and she appeared.

Hana “D.Va” ApparentlyNotJapanese, the hottest, greatest, smartest girl in Schoolverwatch. She was short and slim and smelled like Doritos and sweat. Her hair, both on her head and over her upper lip, was smooth and silky. She walked with the grace of someone who masturbates to anime figurines.

And she was Reaper’s dream girl.

She played videogames, too. That’s right: a true gamer girl, straight out of the Old Myths! Rumors say she played real games—like Hatred, or maybe Call of Duty—and not just vagina games—The Sims, Tetris—but Reaper could not be fooled. He’d read enough about women to deem himself an expert, and such a thing was impossible.

Still, a nerdy girl. It would be so amazing, if they were together. She would surely listen to everything Reaper had to say, and she would love how cool Reaper was, and she would kiss him and hug him and tell him how much she loved him, and he would be the best boyfriend ever, because he was a true gentleman and knew how to treat a lady and—

“Look’at her go,” Reindhart howled, and he brought Reaper back to reality. “Boy, before coming to this school, I’d never imagined women chicks could be neckbeards. You heard the rumors?”

YES. BUT SHE TOLD THE PRINCIPAL IT WAS NOT PORN, IT WAS HENTAI, AND IT’S ART, SO MAYBE SHE WON’T BE EXPELLED.

“No, not that. I’m talking about the Prom thing.”

AH, THE PROM. THE MOST AMERICAN OF HIGHSCHOOL TRADITIONS. YES, I APPROVE OF THE PROM.

Reaper felt his heart jump in his chest.

The Prom, indeed. He also approved of the Prom. He had been doing nothing but approve of the Prom since the day he heard of it. The picture of him and D.va dancing together in cool black leather clothes was all he could dream of before crying himself to sleep.

Dancing slowly, carefully, yes. And she would have a corset, and she would press herself against his chest, and then she would lean towards him and close her eyes and—

“What? You wanna go to the Prom?” Reindhart asked. “You got a chick to bring there or…?”

YES. I AM BRINGING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LADY WITH ME. MY ONE AND TRUE LOVE.

A moment of silence.

“The robot ninja?”

AMERICA.

“And the robot ninja.”

AND THE ROBOT NINJA.

Pause.

HE’S AMERICAN.

“Sure, buddy.” Reindhart patted Soldier 76 on the back. “Sure he is. But I’m, talking about D.Va here. Apparently...” and Reaper could swear Reindhart paused and winked at him here, “…someone is inviting her to the Prom today.”

SURELY YOU’RE JOKING.

“Nein. And she probably heard the rumors, too. I mean, she looks happy, moustache floating majestically in the wind and all that.”

It was at this moment that Reaper felt he knew what he had to do.

Sometimes, Destiny calls us. Sometimes even the greatest man must make a choice, and answer to the Call.

Reaper was a cool guy, melancholic and sad, but also dangerous and deadly. He was not one to invite girls to the Prom—he was to be feared, to appear uninvited and steal the hearts of all women in the hall while doing so.

Plus, talking with D.Va made him sweaty.

So till this very moment, his plans on Prom Night had been pretty much stay at home and watch Sonic the Hedgehog tribute videos to dull the pain. But maybe that wasn’t the only option.

Maybe he could dare to hope.

Something changed in Reaper, that moment. Reindhart had clearly sent him a sign here, telling him to not be scared, nudging him in the right direction. Maybe he’d found about his crush, somehow.

And maybe they believed in him. Maybe he could be like them, like the people who had friends, and parties, and dates. Maybe this was the day.

Never mind the sweat—he was sweating, yes, but it was pretty hot anyway, so it wouldn’t look suspicious. And never mind his cool and quiet nature, which could easily be mistaken by crippling shyness. He would manage to speak without stuttering, if he really tried.

D.Va was in front of him.

D.Va was going to get a date.

D.Va was going to get him as a date.

For the first time in what felt like years, Reaper smiled. He took a step towards D.Va. He opened his mouth, ready to call her name…

And a green blur passed him and stopped right next to D.Va.

“Hey, Hana!”

“Oh! L-Lúcio!” The blush made her cuter. “Fancy meeting you here!”

“Hahah, right? Hey, how you doing? Everything good?”

“Yeah! Y-yeah, of course!” She was playing with her hair now. “I, uh. I’m great! What about you?”

“Peachy as always!” Lúcio shot D.va a million dollar smile. “Hey, wanna go to the Prom together? It will be fun!”

D.Va almost tripped, and Lúcio had to make sure she didn’t fall down. “T-the Prom? With… With me?”

“Sure!”

“I…” And she shot him back the smile. “I’d love to.”

“Great!”

And they fastened their pace, and soon there was almost fifty meters between Reaper and D.Va and Lúcio.

Then, Reindhart patted Soldier 76 on the back once more. “See? Told you. People were saying Lúcio would do that. He’s such a cool guy.”

THAT WAS ODDLY HEARTWARMING. I WAS SURE SHE WOULD JUST STAY AT HOME AT PROM NIGHT, WATCHING UNAMERICAN TRIBUTE VIDEOS.

“I know, right? If anything else had asked her out of pity, it would’ve been pathetic. But with Lúcio? I don’t know, I just think it’s great for him to bite the bullet. It feels like he did something really selfless right there. Wish she doesn’t scratch her crotch while dancing, though.” A pause. “Or at least that she doesn’t smell her fingers afterwards.”

“Hahah!” Another green blur, and suddenly Lúcio was back there with them. “Hello there, Reindhart, Soldier! Did I just hear my name?”

“Yeah, we saw what you did with D.Va there.” Reindhart gave him a thumbs-up. “You’re a good person, Lúcio.”

YOU TRULY ARE. THE BURGER KING.

“Aw. I’m sure that’s, uh, that’s a compliment, coming from you, Soldier.” Lúcio crossed his arms. “I just… Don’t be mean to D.Va, okay? I really wanted her to go to the Prom with me. This is not me trying to—”

“Yes, yes, we know. Future-Jesus, you’re so cool, Lúcio. Anybody else, and that would have been the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.” And then, an evil spark—perhaps hinting at his German nature—appeared on Reindhart’s eye, and he pointed at Reaper, still walking in silence near them. “Of course, that’s a heavy thing to say, this guy existing and all.”

“Oh! Reaper!” Lúcio blinked, then smiled at Reaper as if nothing had happened and then he put an arm around his shoulders. “Yikes, I didn’t see you, buddy! You sure are silent, huh? That’s so cool! So what’s up? Anything new? Anything I can help with?”

He sounded completely honest. Completely, absolutely honest. He really wanted to know about Reaper’s day, and if he could help with something.

He was the closest thing to a friend Reaper would ever have.

There was a pause.

Reaper ran away, crying.


“I… I just thought, you know.” Reaper fiddled with his HELLFIRE SHOTGUNS. He’d created the weapons himself, in his basement, and they were extremely cool. “That, that maybe, as we hang out together now and then, that maybe we are friends and…”

His words petered out into silence.

Widowmaker looked at him. She looked at him hard.

They hung out together now and then, all right. And there was a reason why.


It had been three months ago, that Lúcio had given her the money.

“Just, try to hang out with him now and then?” he said. “Give him someone to talk to? I think he doesn’t like me, but I believe he might be a good guy, if he’s given the chance.”

Widowmaker looked at Lúcio. Then, she looked at the money.

“I have no feelings,” she explained. “I can not give a fucké.”

“Yeah, that’s… I mean, you won’t feel as disgusted by him as the rest. That’s why I’m asking you.” Lúcio bit his lip. His voice was sincere. “Please? I just hate seeing Reaper like that. Poor thing is so alone.”

“I still can not give a fucké.”

Lúcio sighed. “So you won’t take the money? Not even from me?”

There was a slight pause.

Widowmaker snapped the bills from Lúcio’s hand. “I expect a monthly fee.”


Would they be friends, if Widowmaker had feelings? She thought about it. She wondered if Reaper wanted the truth, or a comfortable lie.

She wondered if she cared.

She found an answer.

Softly, silently, she leaned towards Reaper. And when she talked, her accent was thicker than ever.

“Non. Fuck offé.”

And the sound of her high heels against the grounds echoed through the empty corridors of Schoolverwatch as she walked away.

Comments ( 28 )

This is what I like to think as a tragicomedy. Blame Hungary, and the talks had with Selbi and Lucky Roll over there.

I have a personal interpretation of all heroes. Someone give me 40 bucks so I can play the fucking thing already.

“What le cheesefucké are you talking about.”

oui oui motherfucker

Can we get this published?

4128877

Paetron, Paypal or cold, hard cash in mail?

4128877 Soldier 76 needs a megaphone as a weapon now.

...but Widowmaker could tell he was trying to smile, because he looked sadder than usual.

That's... actually really tragic. That line alone makes for brilliant writing.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I know shit about Overwatch too, and I loved this. I have got to do a reading of it. If I could fix my computer.

I'm getting distinct TF2 vibes from Soldier. Other than that, amazing.

Best characterisation of Reaper. Best fanfic.

I never realized how much I wanted an Overwatch high school AU until now. Your characterizations of the characters as they would be in HS is almost perfect. You're just missing all of Reaper's edgy voice lines .

Wow, America was captured perfectly.

Plead of Allegiance?

This is magnificent on quite a few levels. Also, I now have a mental image of D. Va with a luxurious handlebar mustache flowing in the wind, and I thank you for it.

Oh god I'm bleeding you cut me with all this edge aaarrghhh

See, now I want to see you do Pharah, because "I will protect the innocent!" said the girl with the rocket launcher raining indiscriminate death from above is just... So ripe for shenanigans.

What le cheesefucké is this...

You may need to do more of these...

It would probably be pretty difficult to be more american than Soldier 76. Then again this is the new McCree Skin.

Also, you might want to look up how to spell Reinhardt correctly. :twilightsmile:

Nevertheless, a beautiful love story.
I'm talking about the one between Soldier 76 and the japanese/nepali Genji totally american robot ninja, of course.

4128898

I am legitimately gonna make a fucking Paypal so people give me the money to buy the goddamn game. I don't know how, I don't know when, but christ-all-fucking-mighty.


4128941

Oi. I dare you. I double-dare you.


4129142
4131012

Next one will be edited by you two, probably, 'cause while this was fun to write I'm still unsure about my typos and usual mess-ups. I trust you won't be against it!


4131496

Also, you might want to look up how to spell Reinhardt correctly.

THAT WOULD REQUIRE ME TO KNOW SHIT ABOUT OVERWATCH. I refuse.

Also, legit -- when I saw that skin, the first thing I did was go to my friends and say "McCree got even more dreamy than before". Soldier 76 would tap that so hard.

Anybody would, really, but Soldier in particular...


4128952

I actually didn't think about TF2' Soldier when writing this, but now that you mention it, he does sound somewhat familiar, doesn't he? Hmm.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

4133742
Hey, if you send some of that Paypal money my way, I might even be able to do it! :V

4133742 I don't think you'll need to edit blogs, Aragon. It's not like your writing's illegible! Then again, this is more fanfic than blog?

“YOU TRULY ARE. THE BURGER KING.”

I wish I could be. The Burger King.

holy shit!! I want more of this!!! lol

Did you ever do more of these?

Because you should do more of these.

4366603

I've got the entire 'verse planned. Haven't sat down to write anything, sadly -- it's mostly just shit like this, with no continuity. Characters, jokes, super short stories.

Moment GenFic comes online, shit's gettin' real, yo. Shit, once I finish the commissions, I might even get an AO3 account just for these.

4366611 Ooh, more commissions? Can't wait.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

4133742

Oi. I dare you. I double-dare you.

Dare met.

Why the fuck did I go this long without reading this masterpiece?

Login or register to comment