Random Rambling LXVIII · 2:56am Jul 26th, 2016
IN WHICH DEPRESSION SUCKS
I hate to even write about this, because I don't like bringing others down. But, since it's highly doubtful anyone will read this post, I can look at it instead as a little personal catharsis. After all, talking about your problems is one avenue to trying to get a handle on them. And if it helps my writing, so much the better.
I've been feeling incredibly down since yesterday. Well, that's just the most recent down-ness linked to specific events – the realization that Donald Trump is all but certain to be our next president and thinking about all the damage he will do to the world and my personal finances (and that his ideas may literally kill the only friends I have left). But that's as maybe. Generally, it's rare that I don't feel down. Honestly, I've been so bummed for so long that I have no idea what it's like to not feel life is completely hopeless.
I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to be online. More and more websites are now too advanced for this old laptop to handle. I almost couldn't pay my bills because my email wouldn't load (I had to switch browsers, something I've had to do for months in order to post links on social media). I need a new computer, but I'm terrified of spending money because various reasons related to anxiety and depression. Not a day goes by where I don't think about how I'm going to end my pathetic life.
On the upside, this has allowed me to finally write most of Sunset's dialogue for Lows & Highs. Just like with its sister story, Sunny's thoughts reflect my own. The downside is that I want Rarity to talk Sunset off the cliff and I'm not sure how she'd do it, because I can't imagine anyone successfully talking me down. I want this story to end on a hopeful note, something that says, "Sunset Is Broken, but She'll Improve, If Slowly". Once I've figured out the rest of Rarity's dialogue, then I can finally post the story I've been trying to write for months.
Watch this space. I'm sorry, and Thank you.
PS - Next post will probably be about anime! Because I like to talk about my escapes / hobbies!
I read this, and I hate to say it was days ago now, and I wish I could say that the intervening days have given me something brilliant to say, but they haven't.
All I've really got is that I believe in a God that I believe loves us and takes care of us.
But I know that just throwing that out there can be tantamount to pulling the pin on a grenade, because life experience often sucks, and saying that doesn't automatically change anything about physical circumstances, etc.
But it's what I've got, so I'll offer it.