Story Review: Nights: Darkness Rising · 12:34am Jul 10th, 2016
Okay, here's my third story review on my blog, this time of a story belonging to my good friend Ender Knight. The story in question?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/317352/nights-darkness-rising
Okay, first off it's the sequel to two other stories, which I'll admit I have not read so I may suffer from Continuity Lockout so to speak. Anyways, like the story A Rabbit Hearted Mare before it, I shall only review the first chapter as any more and this blog might go on for a little while. First things first, as a message to Ender if you're reading this just because I'm your friend does not mean I will be biased and ignore faults if I see them. If I will, I will point them out as part of reviewing is helping others to become better writers in my book.
So prepare yourself, I'm not holding back here...
So, Chapter 1:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/317352/1/nights-darkness-rising/age-of-oblivion
"In other news. San Francisco has officially fallen. We do not know of what caused it, so stay tuned for more info very soon. The site is a complete wreck, as many of you can see." the news reported." We believe the attack was interdimensional. This just in. We received pictures of the attack on San Francisco."
Okay, so we start off with the news that the city by the bay has fallen to a attack, and we get a picture of a ruined group of buildings. Now, right off the bat I have a few problems. Firstly, news should be capitalized and secondly I would rather have a description of how the city has been ruined instead of a picture. Here's what I would do:
"Images, shown on screen told a tale of untold horror. Buildings crumbled, smashed to bits as if a giant had picked them up and used them as playthings. Cars lied in heaps in the streets, some still burning."
"That's the most devastation I've ever seen! Is this the power Nights is capable of now?"
"Just the peak of it." Max said." He probably went back to Dagon after the attack."
"We need to stop him. Where could nights go next?" asked Vinyl.
"Two options." Max continued." Either here or Equestria."
"I say we check Equestria.". Ryker agreed. " I have a feeling he might make a move there."
"You may be right." Trixie said." if he does attack it could be anywhere, so it may be celestia and Luna that could be in his way, thus making it the ‘pony place’ a primary attack place. Bam Trixie strikes again!"
“Yes. That’s where we’ll go.” max said.
"So we’re going to Equestria?" Trixie chuckled." Never thought I'd see the day when I'm turned into a pony."
Again, more problems. While our charicters may be speaking (And I see more missing of capitalization on Celestia's and Max's names.) we don't get any real insight into their feelings. We should be learning of how shocked and horrified they are, not just told it. Show, not tell is the best way to put it. Plus there should be spaces at this particular part.
“Yes. That’s where we’ll go.” max said.
"So we’re going to Equestria?" Trixie chuckled." Never thought I'd see the day when I'm turned into a pony."
Here's what you should do.
“Yes. That’s where we’ll go.” max said.
"So we’re going to Equestria?" Trixie chuckled." Never thought I'd see the day when I'm turned into a pony."
Okay, now we'll skip ahead a paragraph or two.
--Griffon Stone--
"Ah griffons tone." I said stepping out of the oblivion gate with three shadow knights." Slaughter them."
"Yes general." the shadow knights said saluting before flying towards the nearest town.
"I have someone in need to see." I said flying towards the capital." Leaders shall rise and fall."
--ponyville--
"We made it." trixie said before face planting into the ground, then getting up quickly." this stay between us."
"You've got it." max said laughing." We need to find princess twilight."
Again, more issues. "griffons tone"? Do I really need to point out the obvious errors here? Also, I see no notification we experience a change in a character's perspective to Ender's own. Plus, more and more lack of capitalization for various charicters. I shouldn't have to keep pointing this out, it's one of the basic rules of writing.
(Sorry Ender my friend if this sounds rude, but I did say I wouldn't be holding back.)
Also, the author keeps using said a lot. I would suggest changing that up with various other words, like panted, or replied or something of the like.
"Trixie!?!?" a voice yelled from the enterence." what are you doing here?"
"Where's princess twilight?" ryker asked." we need to talk to her."
"I'm right here." twilight said running." Whatbare doing here trixie and who are these two?"
"I'm not the trixie you know." trixie said." This is max and ryker."
"I remember meeting you ryker." twilight said walking over ryker." but I haven't met you max.'
"Nights is my brother." max said." which is way we're here."
"What do you mean?' twilight asked." what happened?"
"Nights touched a corrupted elder scroll." max said." as has become corrupted."
"Meaning?" twilight asked.
"He's going to attempt to kill the royal sisters." max said.
"TWILIGHT!!!" spike yelled coming into the room." Letter from princess celestia, its urgent." spike said out breath, as twilight took the letter form him.
"Um rainbow dash." twilight said with worry." is there any room in ponyville to take refugees?"
"Of coarse there is." rainbow dash said." why are you asking?"
"Girrfonstone is under attack." twilight said with sadness." They were attacked by four creatures in armor. One whers a silverfish with and orange glow at the the face."
"Nights." max said." nights attacked griffon stone."
(Sigh) More lack of capitalization. You know, I'll just stop pointing it out at this point and let the story speak for itself in these instances. Also, if you notice Griffonstone is misspelled. Plus, once more we get far too many uses of "said" and not other words. Sadly, to be honest so far I keep getting the feeling that this story was made in a rush without going back to check for obvious errors like the ones I'm pointing out.
--ruins of the griffonstone capital--
"STAND YOUR GROUND!!!" a Griffen yelled as me and the other shadow knights advanced them." Griffonstone will not fall."
"Zane ice them." I siad to the shadow knight in white armour." Send back to ice age."
"You got it." Zane said forming a ball of frost freezing the squad on the spot." Shall we advance?"
"Hold on." I said." Laurence, garroth, scorched earth."
"Of course." they said in unison as they turned around and went out side." BURN!!!" they yelled from outside followed by screams." Objective complete."
"Ki push!" I yelled using my ki to blow down the door." Kill them all but leave the king alive." the shadow knights advanced killing them all as I walked in." hello jackeel."
"Who are you? Why are you doing this to my kin?" jackeel asked as I walked forward." ANSWER ME!!!!"
"My name is ultrinix." I said putting my foot on his chest causing him to groan in pain." I just have one objective, I'll let you
Live. IF you deliver a message to celestia."
"I'm listening." he said as I took my foot off him." what is this message?"
"Tell her war is coming." I said turning around filling my arms behind my back." Dagon is coming, with an army and nothing can stand against us."
"I understand." he said flying off." but celestia has the elements of harmony, they can stop you."
"A super saiyen god went up against me ." I said chuckling." and I still won."
Again, more and more errors that make this story seem like a rush job. Sorry to be harsh, but that's what it keeps coming off as the more I read. Another minor gripe, and this just may be to that Lockout I mentioned before but really? Winning against a Super Saiyan God? Unless he's Beerus or Golden Frieza, I fail to see how that is possible. Sorry Ender, but your character is just too overpowered, and a self insert to boot. No other way of putting this, but he's a Gary Stu.
Again, I'm skipping ahead a bit to the chapter's end.
--Equestria--
"You'll be just fine." a medical pony said to a griffon who lost an eye.
"Thank you." the griffon said, then looked up." IT'S KING JACKEEL!!!"
"Where is celestia?" he asked." I have a message for her."
"What is this message?" celestia asked." is it of the attack." she said as points helped griffons get better, including the main six.
"The enemy that attacked are know as shadow knights." he said as celestia looked at him with shock." and they are wagging war against the enter planet."
"Do you know what country is next?" celestia asked worried." I must know so we can stop them."
"I do not know." jackeel said as the sky turned red in the direction of griffonstone." They opened it."
"Opened what?" max asked walking over to them." what did they open?"
"An oblivion gate." he said." they wish to bring an army through."
-- ruins of the griffon capital--
" it's opened." Zane told me as the gate opened ." shall we bring the army through?"
"Yes." I said as Zane said something in deadric and the army walked out." Next we shall eliminate the yaks."
"The age of oblivion as begun."
The major problem I have with this ending, (Besides daedric being misspelled as deadric, unless it's a new language introduced in a earlier story) as that once again, we get a picture of the gates opening instead of a good description.
Here's what I would have put:
"Hellish gates, seemingly breathing fire that would do a dragon proud, opened up from the cracks in the hillside and there they spat out all manner of horrific creatures of every shape and description."
And so the chapter ends. To be honest, I'm not real impressed with this story and it's not going to be going in my bookshelves anytime soon. If I'm going to enjoy it, I must take the Mystery Science Theater Oath... Well, a variation of it. Here we go...
"It's just a Fanfic so I really should just relax."
Sorry Ender, and if you want to unfollow me for this rather harsh review that's okay with me but this story simply isn't very good.
4080917 Really, you thought it funny? ...That actually wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting.
(More along the lines of sadness or something like that, which I didn't want but was expecting all the same.) But really, I'm glad I could help and I hope you take my advice on story writing. Hey, just asking, but do you think I should do more reviews of stories that need improvement in this same style? (Aka a bit snarky) I want to become a Rage Reviewer but I haven't passed the exam yet so that's why any story I review goes here in my blog instead.
4080921 You decide
4080929 Yeah, snarky is the way I'll go with stories that need work. If they don't, well there will be no snarkiness from me.
(There is one story out there I absolutely want to RIP to shreds but as it features some of my favorite charicters so OOC and the story coming off as more of a ranty blog post disguised as a "Story" which automatically gets me biased against it,
I might not be the best person to do it.)