• Member Since 14th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 4th, 2019

MrAlterad


A brony living in the states that really likes Fallout.

More Blog Posts60

  • 185 weeks
    Trioverse Vs Canon Changelings

    Spike is friends with a changeling named Thorax.
    .
    .
    .
    Spoilers...

    So with that episode, a lot of new information was given on changelings:

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    9 comments · 662 views
  • 185 weeks
    Down Time

    Sorry for the silence and lack of updates for last few weeks. A lot of things were going on, take your pick:

    -Work was extra busy.
    -My love for Pokemon was reignited.
    -Latest WoW Expansion went live.
    -Been in a minor depression. (still am)
    -Lacking motivation to work on Teal Changeling. (lacking motivation on all fronts actually)

    Read More

    1 comments · 350 views
  • 191 weeks
    Teal Changeling: One mooore thing!

    Regarding tags:

    Adventure: Chrys and company are seeing the world and growing for it, while facing adversity. While there are slice of life moments heavily sprinkled in, at its core, this is an adventure story.

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    3 comments · 323 views
  • 192 weeks
    Teal Changeling Polish: The Second Half

    There was surprising little I needed to do to the second half of the story, compared to the first. There were a lot of chapters that were fun to read all over again. I’m really proud of 14, 19, and 21. Hopefully 27 will be on the same tier of quality.

    Nothing of note was added or changed in chapters 14 through 20.

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    3 comments · 327 views
  • 194 weeks
    Teal Changeling Polish: The First Half - New Scenes.

    I've worked over half of the story so far, which means chapters 0-13 have been looked over :twilightblush:. I've added a few things. Tweaked this and that. Fixed big derps. All changes and additions are live, though there are bound to be grammatical errors in 7-13.

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    5 comments · 354 views
Jul
8th
2016

Teal Changeling Polish: The First Half - New Scenes. · 4:26pm Jul 8th, 2016

I've worked over half of the story so far, which means chapters 0-13 have been looked over :twilightblush:. I've added a few things. Tweaked this and that. Fixed big derps. All changes and additions are live, though there are bound to be grammatical errors in 7-13.

So far, three short scenes have been added, which I'll drop beneath this sentence, along with some context. After that, I'll dive into the other nitty gritties:



Chapter 8 - Close Words.
Chrys and Bulwark fought Mantis and Sledge, and lost. This scene takes place the following morning, after Chrys convinced her mother to let her leave the hive to head to Equestria...

~~~~~~~~~~

   “Why are you here?” an unfamiliar voice asked, pulling the sleeping princess out of her dreams. Okay, not entirely. The air was cold, and Chrys was having a hard time convincing her sleepy self to open her eyes. “...I see. She didn’t command you otherwise,” the voice added. Chrys frowned weakly. That was Aegis’s voice. Who was he talking to? “It’s fine. I won’t stop you.” Chrys shifted in annoyance. It’d be nice if Aegis would stop talking. There were heavy, mismatched hoofsteps approaching her. She then felt something warm touch her cheek. A hoof? There was a low, assuring grunt over her, making her frown deepen as the sleeping princess finally opened her eyes.

   Standing over her was Bulwark. He had a drained look to him, and there were tan, glistening wrappings around his neck. Despite his haggard look, he was giving her a smile. He had come to wake her up, like she asked. Her drowsy state still hung over her as she took him in, her body cold and sluggish. He looked hurt, and she felt as if she were at fault. It didn’t make sense, and she didn’t like that. Her horn sputtered to life, her body glowing slightly as she warmed her body. With the heat, it wasn’t long before her drowsiness faded, being traded in for alarm. She blinked, eyes wide as she got on her hooves, giving Bulwark a flustered look.

   “Wh- What are you doing, you idiot!?” she asked, her eyes looking over the bandaging Aid had imparted on him. He simply gave her a sheepish shrug. “Don’t give me that look!” she said, her eyes starting to sting as she hit him, “You’re supposed to be staying down and getting better!” she added, his ears falling as she hit him several times, her little slaps doing nothing to her loyal guardian.

   She then shook her head, his body glowing teal as she tried to push him away. “Go back and get better!” she ordered, getting a small, unhesitant nod from him, as he turned away. She blinked in surprise as he left her side. He never left so easily. She looked to him, seeing him limp towards the door. A limp he was trying very hard to hide. And though he still towered over her, for some reason, he felt small. Her heart ached at the sight, a simple, unanswered question making her frown at nothing in particular. Was he ashamed of their loss? “B- Bulwark, wait!” she added, making the guard pause in confusion. She looked over him. Soaking in his injuries. Recalling the fight. Feeling the fear she felt when she saw him fall.

   He was hurting. And not just physically. Despite that, he came to wake her up, just as she had asked of him. Any doubts regarding what came next were swept away by that act.

   He mustn’t know of her plan. Not yet. Not in the state he’s in. The last thing she wanted to do, was making things worse for him. But, she also didn’t want to just leave him high and dry. He deserved far better than that. She glanced to the side, silence falling between them as she considered what she should do next. She then walked up to him, eyeing the ground as she rested her head against one of his legs.

   “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. There was a moment of silence, before Bulwark let out a deep, odd sounding laugh. Chrys’s face turned red as she frowned at the guard, who quickly succumbed to a fit of coughs. He raised an assuring hoof at her alarmed expression as he collected himself. He then took in a slow, careful breath, before mouthing something to her. She frowned, unable to understand his silent reply. Still, it wasn’t too hard for her to piece together his intent. “No. It’s not alright!” she added, making him glance to the side. He then mouthed something she could easily read, making her ears fall. “You don’t have to apologize…” she added, before adopting a determined look, “Next time, we’ll win. Right?” she asked, getting a fired up look from him as he nodded. He then swayed slightly, his eyes closing briefly, before he caught himself. He shook his head as Chrys slapped him. “Good. Now get back to Aid, dummy!” he nodded to her, giving her a small bow before turning back to the door.

   “Bulwark,” she said again, feeling something dangerous nearly slip off her tongue: Please come with me. Instead, she said: “Thank you. See you later.” He nodded at that, none the wiser, as he limped out, an aggravated Aid waiting for him outside her room. Chrys eyed the doorway for several minutes after he left, her mind sifting through all manner of emotions over what she’d caused to her first friend. Sadness, regret, self-loathing, and anger flowed through her, before she settled on the one she found the most important to her.

   Determination.

~~~~~~~~~~

When I brainstormed chapter 8, I had a scene like this in mind, but I didn't include it. I think I excluded it because I wanted to get Chrys out of the hive? Either way, here's the proper 'see you later' scene between these two, that should honestly have been in the original version of chapter 8.

Chapter 10 - Bright Feathers.
Chrys, Momo and Dud have managed to get away from Mantis, escaping his ambush. This scene cuts to said general, post loss:

~~~~~~~~~~

   Mantis’s head throbbed as he watched the princess disappear into the clouds. Were he younger, he’d likely curse her in some underwhelming fashion. ‘Go ahead, run! I’ll be waiting!’, or something to that effect. Instead, all he offered her departure was a scowl, his body feeling a little too cold for anything more emotive. He then looked to his downed and blind soldiers, before letting out a long sigh. He shifted, taking on the form of a pegasus, before picking up his helm.

   “Hmph. Not bad,” he mumbled under his breath, a hint of pride in his voice. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but there was something admirable in being bested by someone he thought beneath him. He quickly dismissed the odd feeling as he glanced to the gorge, seeing Sledge hovering out, alone. “Aegis?” he asked.

   “Double checking. Looking for the runt,” he quickly replied. Mantis let out a small huff.

   “Pointless. She got away,” he said, holding his helm towards the guard, whose ears fell.

   “I- I should have stayed. I’m sorry, master,” Sledge said, shame written on his face.

   “It couldn’t be helped,” Mantis said dismissively, “We had an unexpected interloper.”

   “Cursed snake,” Sledge replied, rubbing his neck, wincing. “Should I hunt the princess?” Mantis tilted his head at that, briefly glancing to his most loyal soldier.

   “If you wish. Capture or kill, I care not which.” Mantis considered the matter for a moment, “I want you to deal with the pony. He knows far too much.” He then gave Sledge a hard look, “But don’t forget your primary goal.”

   “I won’t, master.” Sledge then frowned, “What of Aegis?” Mantis’s head throbbed more at the question, making the general sigh. Had she not gone away, Aegis would have been the perfect watchdog to the ‘tower’ Chrys would have been locked in.

   “I’ll calm him down,” he said with a sigh, “Can’t have him running back to the hive.” He then gave Sledge a cold look, “Humor him until you reach Equestria, then deal with him.”

   “With pleasure,” he replied, following Mantis’s gaze, looking north.

~~~~~~~~~~

I had this scene in my head post chapter 9 too, but this one was excluded because I wasn't too comfortable jumping perspective at the time 9 was written. I added this scene to the beginning of ten, because I felt 9 was already long enough, and ended on a good note, and didn't need this scene souring it.

Chapter 12 - Heritage.
The last scene I've added thus far takes place after Chrys and the gang leave Ssarah and her children to continue north. Here, we return to the hive, where Darrin approaches Lores with an interesting topic: Mantis.

~~~~~~~~~~

   Three days had come and gone since the princess left, and the hive had grown quiet. Hibernation was in full swing. But not all were asleep. The very drone that helped her escape let out a troubling yawn, one born of boredom. Lores glanced at the books on her shelf, considering taking another round at them, when the sounds of someone approaching caught her ear. She blinked as she took in Darrin, standing at the entrance to her home, a troubled look on his face.

   “You and Mantis are clutchlings,” he said matter-of-factly, his tone making her ears fall.

   “That we are,” she replied as stood up, “Does that bother you?”

   “Yes. I wanted answers, so I went to the Silent Halls to learn of those he’d hold close to his heart,” he said as she started to approach her, “Consider my surprise when I found your name sitting next to his. Just what is your relationship?” he pressed, getting a sigh from Lores.

   “The same as what’s between you and Momo. Clutchlings that respect each other, and care, in our own ways.” Darrin’s eyes narrowed at that, before he glanced to the side.

   “If that’s true, then why did you help Chrysalis escape?”

   “Heh,” she let out, her talk with Mantis coming to mind, “Just because we’re clutchlings, doesn’t mean we always see eye-to-eye,” she replied, letting out an amused chuckle at the small nod he gave. “I helped Her Highness because I like her. I see in her the potential of a bright future. And unlike my clutchling, her color doesn’t bother me in the least.” He considered her words for several moments, before taking a more casual posture.

   “You’re an odd changeling, considering who your clutchling is,” he pointed out, making her tilt her head. “You kept a pony as a pet,” he then motioned towards her books, “You indulge in their knowledge, and you’re not afraid to stand up against Mantis.”

   “We both know what we’ve been through,” she replied dismissively, before raising an eyebrow, “You saw the others, in the Silent Halls.” Darrin glanced to the side at that, before his brow furrowed.

   “Lores, what do you believe Mantis wishes?”

   “Wishes?”

   “With the hive. With Amber, and Chrysalis.” Lores hesitated at his question, giving him a considering look.

   “Where’s that coming from?”

   “Curiosity. I want to know if I have the old drone pegged right. Who better to ask than his clutchling?” Lores frowned at that, before tilting her head.

   “Mantis… He  wants to secure the future for our race. He doesn’t trust Amber with the task, so he’s trying to do all he can while he’s calling the shots.” She then nodded to herself, “He wants to shape the hive into one that uses ponies as food. To be unafraid of Equestria. To be unafraid of the races of the world that frolic in the sunlight, and little else.”

   “And Chrys?” Lores frowned, before glancing to the side.

   “I don’t think he truly knows what to do about her,” she admitted, making Darrin raise an eyebrow at that. “He hates her, but he also respects her on some level. He doesn’t like that, which only makes him more irritated by her.”

   “He respects her?” Darrin asked skeptically.

   “She stood up to him. She beat him at his own game and got away. Say what he will, but he’s well aware that his blood runs through her veins. If she weren’t born teal, he’d probably have taken her under his tutelage.”

   “And Amber would let that happen?”

   “She let him have a Royal Guard. That’s never happened before.” Lores then frowned. “Mantis is smart, clever, and thorough, but when it comes to Chrys, he trips. His anger for her makes him act rashly, and no one is more aware of this than he.” Darrin gave her a small glare.

   “If you’re looking to garner sympathy, you’re talking to the wrong drone,” he said coldly. “Hatred or not, he’s putting our hive at risk by attacking Chrysalis.”

   “She’s expendable to him,” Lores said flatly, feeling a chill run down her spine as Darrin took a heavy step towards her. “It’s true. He doesn’t fear the Moon Princess. He’s confident in his schemes. Amber will be fine, and if Chrys falls in Equestria, he’ll be able to convince the queen that he is far from fault.” Lores then shook her head. “No, I don’t think Mantis even needs that. He’s a hero to our hive. Amber can’t just get rid of him. Not now. Not without causing an incident.” Darrin frowned at that, “...However, if something did happen to Chrys, I suspect it wouldn’t be long before Amber birthed another queen. Should that happen, Mantis will make sure she’s raised to be what Amber wasn’t.”

   “Ruthless?”

   “Yes.”

   “...Why does he hate her color?”

   “Mantis has his reasons for hating teal. In those regards, she is beyond blame.” She then frowned towards Darrin, “And his hatred is foolish, but I think I understand where he’s coming from.”

   “And what reason is that?” he pressed, making Lores shake her head.

   “That’s for the princess’s ears, not yours. Suffice to say, it involves a pony, and Mantis’ pride.” Darrin frowned at that, considering what she said, having confirmed a number of his suspicions. He turned to leave, but paused before exiting.

   “Lores, when Chrys becomes queen, will you join her hive?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder. Lores was caught off guard by the question. Growing up with a clutchling that likes asking odd questions like that made her practiced in quickly replying.

   “I shall, once what’s between her and Mantis has been put to rest.”

   “I see. Then I guess she’ll be counting on you a great deal more, come spring,” he said ominously, a smile on his face as he left. Lores’ ears fell at his words.

   “There is a great deal she’ll be inheriting when that happens,” she replied offhoovedly, getting a confused look from the soldier. “Let’s just say there are some things Amber and I prefer to keep to ourselves,” she assured, getting a considering look from the drone, before he left. She stared at the entrance for several minutes after he left, his ominous words floating in her head. Despite Mantis’ hatred for the princess, he was still her clutchling. She truly hoped it wouldn’t end in the way Darrin just envisioned...

~~~~~~~~~~

Unlike the previous two, this scene is completely new. When I started writing Teal Changeling, I didn't invision a satisfying reason for Mantis's hatred towards the color teal. I had all his other motivations pegged down, besides that one. The one I initially presented was quite weak and petty. His reasons are now genuine, if wrong, and light will be shed on them at some point before the story concludes.


Now for some smaller changes, per chapter.
General: All chapters had the format I use these days updated to match. Fights were polished, as best I could manage anyways.

In chapter 0, Mantis's reaction to Chrys's egg was tweaked just a smidgen to match his motivations.
In chapter 1, the old stallion's name was hidden in his segment of the chapter. One of those things you'd only catch on a reread. The flow of that segment was also polished, and a little bit of dialogue was added.
In chapter 5, it's stated that Ghost has been watching Luna for months. Chapter 26 contradicts this. I've chosen to fix the problem here, and turned months to years. Also in this chapter, Thundercloud was referred to by a different name several times. That has been fixed.
In chapter 8, the scene between Chrys and Bulwark was added.
In chapter 10, I added the scene with Mantis and Sledge. Added a couple lines to foreshadow Momo and Dud's relationship.
In chapter 12, Dud says that the Badlands Pegasi are not pegasi to Luna. I carried this forward in chapter 26, where Ghost points this out, to Chrys's annoyance. Ssarah mentions mesmerizer lamia. I corrected it to mystic, the name Lamia use to refer to those with magic eyes. I also added the scene with Darrin and Lores.
In chapter 13, I added a line of Dud foreshadowing Sledge becoming a dragon.

So that's what the first half of my polish has brought about. Not sure if there are any other scenes to add, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I'll probably add one where Sledge encounter's the dragon the he learned to mirror.

Report MrAlterad · 354 views · Story: The Teal Changeling · #Trio-verse
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Comments ( 5 )

... With this use of capitals, the mental image of an angry Chryssie being polished with a cloth is contested by a mental image of her wearing a red and white Polish flag top hat, eating blood sausage and drinking beer.

4077964
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Well, here you go:

4077992 Kurwa, stop that! I'm full of hearing it over and over again because of the peace submit and they are playing it over and over and over again. It's my national anthem but come on! I'm loosing my hearing!

4077992 Now to put Chryssie in a Polish flag top hat in front of the flag, holding the hat to her chest.

Anyway, liked the added scenes. The one between Chryssie and Bulwark made me a bit teary eyed.

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