Once upon a time... I tried to kill myself · 5:45pm Jun 21st, 2016
This… is the worst feeling in the world. To look at yourself in the mirror and think to yourself. “Why are you here? What are you still doing here? You should just die. No one would miss you.” And what’s worse, is for a long time… I actually believed that was true. I believed that if I died, if I were to kill myself, no one would miss me.
I felt like crap all the time. I hated myself. I wanted to die everyday. And it was something I really wanted. I wouldn’t think about my future or my goals or anything about tomorrow, because I figured for me… there was no future. I figured “What’s the point? I’m going to kill myself soon.”
That was my thought pattern for a long time. And obviously, it’s a horrible thought pattern to have. This is really hard to talk about.
When you feel this way, you look at the world and you don’t see potential, you see “How can I kill myself in this situation?” I looked online and see if leaving bottled water in a hot car in the summer would poison me. I looked how many pills would cause an overdose. I’m not smart, I didn’t know if those things would kill me or not.
I knew I wanted it to be painless. I knew I didn’t have it in me to shoot myself. I knew I didn’t have it in me to cut myself. Which in hindsight are very good things to have. It’s good that I didn’t want to go through with that. It’s horrible I wanted to kill myself, but it’s good that I didn’t want to go through it that way. I don’t know if that makes sense. Maybe this doesn’t make sense. I don’t know.
I’m just sort of typing what I’m thinking right now. If you couldn’t tell. LIke I said, this is a really hard thing for me to talk about because… this is a horrible thing to want. And I wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t want others to get hurt or for it to be there fault.
I never thought about myself, I just thought, “Would someone be blamed for this?” I would be driving on the freeway and think to myself “If I drove off the freeway and crashed, would I be the only casualty?” If I knew that the answer was yes, I probably would have done it. That’s the kind of… mindset I was in.
I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t care what happened to me. I didn’t care about me at all. Everything I had or wanted, I didn’t care. I cared more about a complete stranger than I did myself. I hated myself.
And that’s the worst feeling in the word. And I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I certainly wouldn’t wish it on any of you. I don’t want you to feel the way I do. You people are too wonderful for that. I’m crying right now. You people are the bravest, most wonderful people in the world and I love you. I love all of you. So very much.
I don’t want to see you hurt yourself like I did. I don’t want you to have to go through this. But if you are, you’re not alone. If you are, you can make it through this. I know you can. I know that you can make it through this, because I made it through this. And I’m not as strong and as brave as you are. You are a wonderful, beautiful person.
And you may not believe that, but I do. With all my heart and soul, I do.
I feel like this is important to talk about because I know there are people who are probably worse off than I am. And I want them to know that you're not alone. You're not. Maybe it helps to know there is one person out there who feels the way you do. Or knows how it feels to want this. To want to end your life.
The only thing that ended up saving me was an article. I was looking online for an article on how to kill myself. A horrible thing to look up. And... I ended up on Crack.com. I had been there in the past and I don't frequent it any more, but... there was an article about things to think about when committing suicide. And I read that article. And that article saved my life. Because, it talked about how much financial stress and how much emotional stress I would put on them. How they would go through there lives and wonder what they did wrong. Blaming themselves for something that wasn't their fault. And... like I said, I only cared about others. And that blunt, but very true article opened my eyes. It saw how much I was really suffering and how horrible I felt. And the guilt that I felt overpowered my desire to kill myself. And that's when I knew, I wasn't okay.
That's when I knew, I needed help.
And I found help.
God, I'm a mess right now. If you guys could see me, you'd see a mess of a man. I'm just all tears right now. I'm going to cut off here and calm down a bit. Like I said this was really hard for me to talk about. But... know this... I'm doing okay. I really am. I'm just emotional about this. And I'm a big baby. And I hope you're doing okay. I really do. If you're not, it does it better. I promise. It does.
We'll make it through this. Together. You are strong and brave and wonderful. And I love you. I really do. Take care of yourself. I'll see you all soon.
*hugs you tightly*
Dang man, that's super rough.
Thanks for having the courage to share with us; I think everyone has their own demons, but the hardest thing about them isn't always dealing with them, but simply opening up about them to others. I certainly would never have guessed given that you've always seemed so upbeat since I've known you, though then again I have no idea how long ago this was. Take care man, and if you ever want to talk just let me know. Have a nice day! 
*Hugs tighter then I have ever done*
Bro...
(Hugs tightly)
If this happens again, talk to me...
Wow....dang. That is very rough. and very sad.
I nderstand your pain. For i have been throuigh the same thing.... *hugs* If you ever need to talk, let anything out, anything at all. I'll be here.
I want to help you, and you seem like a very nice guy..
And i know you are one as well. We're all here for you man.
get better and take your time feeling better okay?
I can't say I know what you're going through, but I want to be there however I can. You'll get though this, man, just one day at a time.
I understand that feeling. Not to the same extent mind you, but I know how hard it is. And that's why I want you to know just how brave and wonderful a guy you are, and that no matter what happens, me and every single one of your followers will be here for you.
I'm sorry for what has happened to you, and I'm glad that you found help. I wish I could do more.
Spider, let me help in my own way.
You have somehting special about yoursef, in that you have touched someone's heart in someway. You may not ever meet thgat person, or you do know them, but you have touched someone in a special way. You may have made them smile, or ave them a brihter day. To that person, you are special. You are important to that person. That makes you unique to this world
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Thank you all so much. I know I said it before. But I will say it again. I will say it forever. You are all wonderful, beautiful, brave, strong people. I am truly blessed to have you all as friends. Know that, I'm doing okay. I'm not as emotional as yesterday when I wrote this. I'm trying to get back into reviewing. Hopefully, that will come soon. Crossy fingers.
I want to do a little something special for you guys because you have been so patient while I get back on track. I just don't know what yet. I'm sure I'll think of something. Thank you all again so much for your support and making sure I'm okay. That means the world to me. It really does. And I hope you're doing okay. I really do. And if you're not, hang in there. Don't give up on yourself. I won't give up on you. I would never give up on you. Because you're worth it. You're worth every second.
4040845 Well I don't know about being BEAUTIFUL.
4040847 There's more than one way to be beautiful.
4040850 Aw..... the Pegasi shall rule everything.
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(Hugs)
We love you, bro.
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Heh. We're all always gonna be here for you man. i'm your friend, we're your friends. and please, take your time to do whatever you need to do. We will all wait for ya. :P
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Especially beautiful. Let's focus on that.
We'll always be there for you man!
Leave it to Cracked to save someone's life.
I'm glad you're still here. I need to remember that I could always be worse.
Also hit me up for a sneak preview of Rainbows at Twilight: Electric Spergaloo if you're down to yiff bbygrll~~~~