Today is the last day to join, so if you want in on it, be sure to read over the rules and PM Shakespearicles!Hardcore Grammar Geekery · 7:18pm Jun 17th, 2016
Page break because I just went nuts on this one sentence I thought could use with improvement during a First Glance Reviews post I was trying to do today. I'm not sure if I'm correct, so I'd love to hear a second opinion on this. If you're into grammar, or just wanna see what I'm nerding about, get it after the jump.
I was reading a Star Wars crossover when I came across this. Tell me if you grammar gurus agree (or disagree!) with my assessment. This sentence just feels off:
With the help of a young unicorn knight, Twilight Shan Sparkle, gifted with great magical powers, may be the last hope in defeating Moonlight and his dark followers.
If I’m identifying the sentence part correctly… the bold portion is functioning like an introductory description, or adverbial descriptive phrase, which is before the subject and describes the main verb. The comma at the end of the description signals the reader that the main point of the sentence is about to begin. Here, the underlined subject is Twilight Shan Sparkle. The italicized verb is defeating? (I put a question mark because I’m not 100% sure on the verb) What’s bothering me is the “gifted with great magical powers” portion, highlighted in red. I believe it’s a parenthetical expression, which you would use to add information not directly related to the point of the sentence. In other words, it’s info that you could arguably put in parenthesis and still have it be correct. IMO, it screws up the flow of the sentence. I’m wondering if it’s really an issue of syntax, or if the parenthical expression can be removed entirely. Perhaps rephrasing could fix the issue? Like so:
With the help of a gifted unicorn knight, Twilight Shan Sparkle, she may be the last hope in defeating Moonlight and his dark followers.
But then I have to ask… Is the adverbial descriptive phrase even necessary? Here’s what the sentence looks like when we remove that too:
Twilight Shan Sparkle, a gifted unicorn knight, may be the last hope in defeating Moonlight and his dark followers.
Personally I like that much better. Not only did I cut it down from 28 words to 19, but the flow feels smoother.
And just to be completely transparent here: No! I didn't come up with this off the top of my head. After my instincts told me the sentence was off, I looked up this article, as well as this one, to help me identify the different parts of the sentence and how they were (potentially) being misused.
So can anyone confirm whether or not I'm correct? I thought about posting this in one of the dozens of groups that I'm in, buuuut... I'm scared of the responses I'll get. After my last major topic in a group, I've become quite nervous about addressing the wider community on stuff.
I've addressed the wider community twice in random forum posts. The first was me trying to get discussion going on books in the Christian group that went nowhere and once me soliciting advice/personal account from the fetishy groups, who were way more accomadating.
I'm actually not sure if the introductory phrase was meant to refer to said Sparkle or if Sparkle is the one accompanied or what here. This is a weird sentence.