Some words. · 9:43pm May 29th, 2016
Though I just posted a new story, I still won't be writing for a while. Probably not until we get a new Discord episode, and probably only if I'm inspired by it. I didn't really get the writing bug from What About Discord?
I'm feeling down. I suspect some of it is the stress of moving and getting settled, but other things are getting me down. The disgusting worship of Johnny Depp on twitter and the like, not to mention the media implying his girlfriend deserved his abuse because she is bisexual and therefore cannot be trusted.
It just reminds me why I'm single, all this bullshit. Over 60% of bisexual women suffer some form of domestic abuse at the hands of a partner in their lifetime. 60 fucking percent. I am one of them. My abuse didn't involve hitting, but I'm still psychologically messed up from it. And I'm angry, because I'm probably defective now.
TBH part of the reason I wrote that story was even though I think of Discord as poly, I couldn't stand the thought of him hurting Fluttershy. Isn't that lame? It's fucking lame, bro. And I suspect I write such things because the thought of one character I like, hurting another character I like upsets me deeply, and the latter character being female upsets me.
I do feel defective. Sometimes I feel like I need validation that I'm not a defective person for being single for 8 years, afraid to let anyone near me. Like I'm a weirdo because I just want to stay indoors instead of going out on a Friday night trying to pick someone up. Like I'm a freak for wanting to stay home and draw cartoon characters, and do needle felting, and basically live like a big kid where nothing can hurt me. Maybe if I had had healthy relationships when I was younger I might be a more loving and open person. But I'm not, and it's possible that I was never going to have healthy relationships, because my brain chemistry made me a hot, clingy mess.
Am I defective? I don't know.
I'll probably delete this later.
Woolly ... being bisexual doesn't make you bad. Or deserving of abuse. Actually, from what I can judge of you over the link of your stories and posts and occasional e-mails, you're a pretty nice person. And a pretty nice girl. And nobody gets the right to abuse you just because you're different.
Going out and randomly picking up guys, or girls, would be an absolutely terrible and probably unsuccessful way to find love. Most people who go out on that sort of singles scene aren't looking for love. They're just looking for sex. If you're lucky -- a small minority of them are actually looking for victims to abuse.
Your best bet is to make friends and find someone among them who you could care for, and who could care for you, that way. I find you likeable, and I suspect others do as well. I think that this is the approach most likely to result in making you happy instead of sad.
You're a good girl and a worthwhile human being, from what I can see.
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I wasn't saying that at all. I was saying that it is quite likely that I am going to encounter another abusive person because for some reason bisexuals seem to be more common targets for abusers. Maybe it's because they percieve us as people "more likely to cheat" which is total bollocks, of course, but seems to be a common misconception about us, which is likely why Amber Heard is getting raked by the media. That and good old fashioned misogyny- because women always lie about abuse, or something.
I wasn't planning on looking for love with it. Just using it as a way to get used to human contact again and work my way up from there. It's a moot point though. I'm too scared to let anyone near me--casual or otherwise. Sometimes I feel dead inside.
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Don't let others abuse you. Be a good person, and demand the respect due a good person. Abusers always try to convince one that it is one's own fault, the better to be able to abuse one without suffering defensive retaliation or being ejected from one's life. Avoid people who treat you that way like poison.
People like you online. Is there something you do in person that would make them not like you? If people like you, then you will find both friendship and love in time.
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Saying I "let" others abuse me implies that any abuse I've suffered or will suffer is my fault. I have a feeling that is not what you meant to say. Abusers often start out as charming and lovely. They only show their true colours once they've reeled you in and by that point you are likely going to have your headspace so messed up it will be hard to break free. Believe me, I know.
But that is precisely the reason why I will not go out with anyone, and precisely the reason I have been alone. That and I am a very difficult person to be with, because of my miles of insecurities, fear of commitment (because of the abuse, not because I want to cheat), and a defensiveness that borders on hostile. The latter being overcompensation for protecting myself. I feel I cannot trust anyone 100% with my deepest thoughts and feelings. Not really. I can talk about them on here, but none of you know who I am.
I don't know if you watch Rick and Morty, but the final scene in one of the episodes sums up how I feel sometimes very well. To the point that I can't watch it without bawling, because it hits home so accurately. The fact that he's not simply trying to kill himself over one girl. It's more the fact that he's doomed to be be alone for the rest of his life because he's incapable of having a healthy relationship.
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Oh no, I didn't mean that you deliberately chose to be abused. I know how abusers operate. They act nice at first and suck you into caring for them, then abuse you and try to convince you that they're your best friends and it's all your fault. The trick to avoiding this is to look at the behaviors between you and the abusers out of the claimed context of faults, and see who is actually abusing whom.
But it's a cold comfort, because by the time things get this far, you're counting on the abuser as your best friend / true love / most wonderful thing in your life ever, so accepting the truth means realizing that you're actually being betrayed by someone you counted on. And of course, you could be mistaken, so the temptation is to assume that you are.
I'm not sure that there is a foolproof way of avoiding people like this, given that they exist and may choose to target oneself. One key is to notice how people treat others who are at their mercy or otherwise vulnerable. If someone enjoys harming others when he can get away with it, he may very well enjoy harming you once you've put yourself at his mercy -- and we are always at the mercy of a good friend or lover, that's how "trust" works.
The most important thing is to value oneself and demand at least reasonably respectful treatment from others, even beloved others. I'm not saying that you should sit on a throne and have your friends address you as "Lady Woolly," but if someone often hits or casually insults or otherwise degrades you (outside of play, obviously) then he is not your Best Buddy or True Love, even if he claims to be.
Am I making sense?
I have never been in a relationship in my entire life and I'm grad school age. And while I've never been abused, I've been hurt by people who I thought were my friends. And I have been asked out twice only for the guy to suddenly stop talking to me.
Which I know is nothing compared to what happened to you, but I know that I'm scared of always being alone because for some reason I can't seem to find someone interested in me. And I don't want to go to bars to meet someone, because I wouldn't enjoy it. And I know that if I ever get asked out again, I'll be scared that he'll just back out on me too. Once again, this is nowhere near as problematic as what you've been through, but I also don't like going out much, and I'd rather watch cartoons and write fanfiction than take risks to meet people because 1) I wouldn't know where to go, and 2) I am socially awkward, and 3) I'd be afraid of meeting a stranger that seems great but might not be. I desperately want to be with someone but it's scary, and I understand that.
But being abused in any way...Woolly, I will never see you as defective. You try your best and you aren't trying to hurt anyone. The people that have hurt you before were. They were the defective ones. Not you. You might not believe me right now, I know it's hard to feel that way when you feel so low, but...I just don't see you as a defective person. I see you as you, and you are amazing to me.
And anyone who disagrees with me can frankly kiss my @ss.
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+1
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Thanks. I suspect it will take some time to process all the well wishes because it's hard to believe, but I'll try. Right now I should probably go to sleep.
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I know it will, Woolly. I understand. I may not be in a situation similar to yours, but I really do understand. I know that it's hard to believe when others say such sweet things about you, when in real life you struggle to find evidence for our words. I know. Take your time. Sleep well. I'll keep you in my thoughts and in my heart.
It sickens me beyond belief to see how awful such relationships can effect someone. Because, from what I've seen (not a personal situation, I will say), someone will bend and twist another to make it seem like they are the victim as opposed to the actual person they're messing with. Or that the one being hurt deserves it. Our minds can be incredibly sensitive things, and some people know this and decide to play with that. It's awful and wrong and I want to give those people a hard kick in the ass every time I see this sort of manipulation. Because they don't deserve it; you don't deserve it.
You are a beautiful, wonderful person. I understand I am merely a person far off in the US, so I can't be there to say there words to you - thank god, I suppose, 'cause I'm awful with speaking my feelings - and I may not know you all that well in comparison to, say, a close friend or family, but my point still stands. The defective one is not you, but those that made you feel like this are, like Tater said. And like I said, I'd give them a good sucker punch in all my 5'2" glory if I could, because they deserve it. You are an amazing friend and person, and I'd only wish to tell this to you every day if I knew you personally until you threw the door in my face or something.
Now, I am someone that can never quite be in one's shoes about being in a relationship. I've only had one incredibly short relationship. And I don't plan on being anything but single, because I learned in that one that I'm asexual and don't really see myself being happy with people cause most of the time, they'll likely want that sometime in the future. If I can't fulfill that, why even bother? However, because of my experience or lack there of, I always say that being in a relationship does not automatically make you a 'complete' person. That getting married, having kids and living in the suburbs isn't always the dream of a lifetime for some women. For me, I am content with the friends I have, the family I have, and will take whatever the future has in store. For yourself, you're still looking for something or someone to add to your life, and I can only imagine that it's scary. But there's nothing wrong to live the way you do, because due to things that happen, it's how we desire to live. If it's society's views of living, going out and hooking up or going to football games and supporting local teams and all that, that make it as if we're "living wrong," then don't feel discouraged.
Sit inside on on Saturday. Watch a shitty movie on Netflix and laugh at how bad it is while doodling pones. For god's sake, buy ten dogs or ten cats and name them all after Harry Potter characters! Whatever makes you happy! Don't ever feel discouraged from how you're living, and only if you want to go out and want to socialize, should you really think about giving it a try. Again, whatever makes you feel happy.
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Thank you so much. I needed to hear this.
I'm nearly 35, and I'm sure many people think there's something wrong with me. They're right, there is something wrong with me, but I shouldn't be looked down on for it.
I spent half the night sobbing because I know I'm going to be alone, perhaps forever. That's not a "woe is me" statement, that's a "well it's been eight years and I've not been able to bring myself to love anyone because there's a blockage that's there from what happened in the past" true statement. Most of the time I can deal with it. At other times I feel like Rick in the video above.
I know I'm a bit late to the conversation, and admittedly I don't know all the details about your situation, so if I'm overstepping things I apologize, but I can definitely assure you that you aren't defective for being single for 8 years or for wanting to stay home rather then go out and meet people. I'm 28 and I've never been in a romantic relationship with anyone or even on a date. There have been times over the years where I've wondered if there was something wrong with me because no one was ever interested in me and I've never really felt the urge to date, but that doesn't really bother me anymore.
You know how some people say "There's someone for everyone?" I disagree with that, at least in the romantic sense. I don't think everyone is, shall we say "called" to be in romantic relationship. I think some of us are called to be single, and if you'd rather stay home and draw cartoons, than hang out with people, I say more power to you. I have some siblings who relax and recharge by hanging around other people, but I relax and recharge by being alone and working on my projects and prefer my socializing in small doses because too much of it wears me out. Maybe you feel similar?
Now as I said before, I don't know all the details about your situation, but I don't want to you to fall for the lie that being single means you're defective, because it most definitely doesn't.
You are not a defective person for being single for 8 years. You survived serious abuse and now, as a survival mechanism, you struggle with being able to trust people again. That's not a defect, that's an entirely understandable response to trauma. People don't just magically get over abuse or trauma. Nonetheless... it makes sense to be upset that you can't just easily go and socialize and have an easy time because of your struggles.
I honestly don't think it's really even odd to be single at 35. And you're definitely not a freak for wanting to stay home and craft and draw. I think a lot of us get sold a false bill of goods when we're young, and that romantic relationships aren't the be-all, end-all of everything. They definitely aren't some sort of accomplishment or a necessary ingredient to everyone's life. I often wish that I'd spent more time figuring out who I really was before I got whisked away by relationships because I don't want to dismantle my life to try figuring out who I really am now... and I'm also around 35. There's nothing intrinsically better one way or the other, it's all about individual paths.