An Update into my Psyche · 5:00pm May 18th, 2016
Based on the title alone, you may be thinking, "Oh look, Art wrote another depressing blog. Good thing I don't have to read it."
That is a massive, and perhaps gross, presumption on my part, but I know quite a bit about how people think, and I don't hold it against anybody if they think that way. From time to time however, I believe it behooves me to tell people how I am feeling, and what I am doing, if for no other reason than to make sure you all don't think I've walked off the face of the Earth. Not yet, anyway.
In the interest of not burying the lead, I will say briefly what is on my mind and expand from there. As things stand in my life, though I will see my next birthday in a month, I am highly questioning as to whether or not I will ever see snow again. And it is not because I'm moving to the Bahamas.
It often leaves me puzzled to think that someone as intelligent as I am supposed to be can be such a failure at not only the basics of life, but at the general understanding of how one survives. To be completely frank, if it weren't for a few notable people, and pure luck, I would have been dead long ago. The fact that I am even still alive is a minor miracle, if you believe in that sort of thing.
I have been unemployed since November. I only have enough money to feed myself, and not particularly well. The only help I've been getting is from an old family friend, and that will probably come to an end soon. Very little is fun for me, as the things I enjoy or enjoyed are now just mere distractions from the crushing realism that I may not be long for this world.
Of course, I am too old and have seen too much to say such things as, "I'll never be happy." or "I'll never be successful." When I was younger, I never thought I would be homeless, or beg for food, or live in my car. But I've done all those things and somehow survived. Survived being homeless on-and-off for a year-and-a-half. Survived being in a psychiatric ward three times (by my own volition). Survived my entire being telling me to kill myself every day.
People have told me in the past that this survival tells a lot. Not about my recurrent failures, but rather about my willpower. That many people would give up completely when faced with the same situations. And while I am far removed from thinking that I am above those people, the questions remains: why me?
I have a college degree, but can't get work that doesn't break my body or aggravate my already-broken mind. Most of my family is still alive and well, but they either don't talk to me or live thousands of miles away. I used to have friends around where I live, but all of them have either alienated themselves from me, or see me as a waste of time or energy to communicate with. I have a person who I am always excited and happy to talk to, and who always seems equally so in return, but I have not heard from them in over a month and I fear I will never hear from them again.
Please do not feel sad for me, or pity me. This is all my own fault. And do not worry about my well-being. As long as I have a roof over my head, I don't have a desire to jump in front of a car.
The possibilities remain for both sides of the spectrum. I hope I'll see it snow again.
Yeah, life sucks over all. I'm glad you have a place to live. I could not imagine the suffering you endured being homeless. So I won't ask about that.
In the western world nobody should be homeless. There's literally no excuse for it. Unfortunately... there's greed and some cold hearted people out there.
3954031 Yeah, we've discussed that before. Homelessness should have been eradicated in the US by now, but politics get in the way. It doesn't help that I live in a relatively conservative part of the country, and thus social services are not very good.
3954075
Ah yes, I remember now. The country in general is way too conservative. I think might they got some of the worst social services in the western world.
Good to hear from you, Art.
I'm against the idea of a nanny state, but you shouldn't have to rely on family members for your survival. You should be getting support from the government at the bare minimum so that you don't starve!
I hope that things start to work out for you, friend. You'll sort yourself eventually.
3954450 Quite frankly, I don't like getting help. Guess it's my pride talking. That being said, the social services run out of money in like February around here.
If you are Northern California, I can get you a job:
If I vouch for you, my boss will give you a try. It starts at 12 U$D/Hour and is full-time. If you are in Northern California, PM me.
3954598 Not in N. California. Thanks for the thought, man.
Sometimes it's good to let things out. Upon your request I shall not pity for you, but I will tell you probably the cheesiest thing I will likely say on this site.
You have supporters who are willing to back you in time of need, lest you require it.
Just remember, you have some 250 people following you. I'm certain one or more is willing.
Stay safe and be patient for snow
3955210 You're right, that is pretty cheesy.
Besides, I hate asking people for help. I feel like such a burden.
3955273 Hey, you're not the only one. I'm fairly certain we've all been down that road more than once. Just gonna throw this out there, see what sticks. I'm a mild autistic that will do just about anything to get a task done. Special Talent? Mathematics and Computer Engineering. Got my start when I was around 12. Weakness? Sociability and my ability to explain things. I'm also one to ask ALOT of questions, so I just feel like that one pet that cannot leave you alone.
There's a scrap of my personal life for ya
.We all have our problems, and we all feel like a burden sometimes. Honestly I think I'm just too optimistic, but hey, it's sometimes good. 