Chapter 2 has been rewritten! · 9:48pm May 17th, 2016
I was sick and tired of reading a somewhat decent first chapter and then proceeding on to the crap cheese-fest that was chapter 2, so I finally got around to rewriting it. After all, if I'm not satisfied by reading it, then how can I expect my readers to be?
Now I probably shouldn't be doing this and I should be writing chapter 7 of Wilting Flower, but the upcoming character deaths is eating at me, so this is my way of procrastinating. Either way you're still getting some (hopefully) decent content.
Now, here's a list of the changes I wanted to include in this chapter.
-make Seth less of a brat and remove his narrative mentions of misanthropy, as well as the unnecessary cursing in the narrative. I'll let that show in his dialogue. I want him to come across as troubled, not as a "worthless sack of shit" that someone kindly pointed out to me once.
-Add tie-ins to later points of the plot. For example, hinting at Maka's transformation in the video and hinting at Vanta's presence (both in the video and down in the elevator shaft). That way readers won't question where the fuck Vanta came from. Granted, by doing this, I should probably also rewrite the Vanta chapters, but that can come much later.
-I wanted to flesh out the Maka fight and make it more believable (eg, the gun doesn't fire) and make Seth's reaction more realistic. You know "God, why is this happening to me?" and not "RAWR I KILL JUUUUUU"
-Most importantly, I wanted to rewrite that goddamn awful tantrum he threw in the security room. It never sat well with me the first time, so I wanted Seth's feelings to be more relatable and not the pathetic "I'LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN WAAAAH" cry that he did the first time...only to later fall in love with Dash.
There's lots of other mechanical and flavor changes I put in there, but those are the major ones.
Lastly, Schadenponi tells me he's going to be leaving really soon (as in a week soon), so I'm going to have to ask for an editor again. And by editor, I mean someone who's going to look at the Gdoc for it and fix all the spelling/grammar mistakes, as well as give me an overall impression of the chapter (what he or she liked, what he or she didn't like, etc). You know, as opposed to just reading the chapter before everyone else and telling me "It's good." 
I don't mean to sound rude there, but that's the last experience I had with someone other than Schadenponi.
I hope you'll all go back and read chapter 2 over for me, preferably leaving comments to let me know what you all thought of the changes!
Haven't read the story yet, but can't wait to read it later!
Well, I can do a thing with fixing up spelling/grammar. As I've been rereading TotO over the last month or so I've actually been marking marking down errors and was planning on sending them to you once I finished up (Guess I'm gonna have to go back and check the new chapter 2 just to make sure), so I feel like I'm at least halfway decent with spelling and grammer.
However, I'm not a guy you should look to for feedback on the story aspect. That would be more for someone else.
It's a good thing to know you're a writer that listens to criticisms, advice, and corrections rather than saying "may i ask you to chill with the facts my story is just for fun if your going to edit it take my work with some suspension of disbelief i mean we're talking about logic and facts in cartoon here" when I finished writing over 700 bloody words on why one of the traits in that Mary Sue of a main character is extremely injurious to your health and can cause sever damage to the people around you, not to mention that you literally just transformed into a fucking alicorn earlier that week and can already use magic better than Twilight, go faster than RD, and gained 300 pounds despite getting thinner. Sorry about venting in the comments of this blog, but that writer was... well, you can get the picture from what I just wrote about them. Seriously.
Okay, perhaps 700 words was a bit extensive for showing why that character with a ridiculous breast size and ridiculous weight can fly at mach 10 easily after just gaining wings, and having absolutely no complications, not to mention teleporting 40 miles with pinpoint accuracy and ease. I'm glad you aren't one of the "I just want you to fix grammar and not point out flaws" writer or "just look over and say if you think, overall, it's good" writer, but rather a "tell me what's wrong with this so I can fix it" writer.