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May
11th
2016

Critique Review: Retribution · 7:32pm May 11th, 2016


Another fic, another chance for me to go outside with an ice cream bowl, hoping that the mystical Cookies ‘n Cream will fall from the heavens and present itself before me. Only to realize, a few bites in, that it’s actually pigeon shit.



So, I continue to wait for that glorious day when I’ll be blessed with that majestic flavor. Until then, we’ve got this story by Firebolt Lord of Fire.


The story is about a character named Prince Firestorm. An OC, as many of you have already guessed. But did you know that this isn’t the author’s OC? I think this is the first time we’ve had a non-author created OC to review.


The character is actually made by a fanfiction user, known as Lieutenant Firestorm. Well, at least we are starting in the poor naming territory of this fic. Though, it isn’t actually by the author who came up with the character, so I’ll give that a pass.


Apparently, this Lieutenant is actually a redo of the character. With the creator saying that he was too Mary-Sue ish. Though no fic exists of this character’s current state. Well, that was a waste. You could make him as Sue-ish as you want, no one will know because you didn’t bother to write him.


As far as I can tell, this story was written when the character was still a prince. Meaning the worse of the two iterations.


I wonder what other milestones we will achieve in this review? Will we this be the first OC fic I praise as being equal to most characters in the show? Or will it be a the first fic in which I vomit diarrhea?


I’m sure, either way, will be spectacular.


So, let’s take a look at Retribution


Regrettably, we begin with the dictionary getting bent over and shoved birthday cake straight up its ass.

“Hey” a silent mare’s voice said, “I need your help.”

A ‘silent’ mare said something? Yes, can I get another story please?! This one seems to be broken! Seriously, that’s the first sentence we are introduced to. A silent something breaking the silence. I’m sorry, could you not think of another word that means ‘quiet’?


How about ‘reserved’? Or since it’s a tone in one’s voice, maybe ‘soft’? Calm, perhaps?


Whatever, a creature named Apocalypse.



Yeah, in our dreams, is woken up by the ‘silent’ voice. I guess she communicated through bunny sign language while he slept.

“Who are you?” he yawned, “And where are you?”


“I’m a foe of Firestorm and therefore I’m a friend of yours.” the voice whispered in his ears ignoring the other question.

I’m sorry… I’m having a hard time taking this character, who’s name means the end of the world, seriously when he yawns like he has to go to work in the fucking morning?


Apocalypse: *Yawns* What a night. My back ache, we're out of coffee and the morning commute to work is going to be a bitch.


Seriously, why is the lord of darkness yawning? I doubt even Mykan would write something this stupid. At least when he makes his villains, he makes them almost slightly threatening.

“And how should I help you? I’m banished to this place. I can’t leave hell.” He said.


“I have something that might help you.” The mysterious voice said as it died away, “Meet me tomorrow at town square.”

Yes, this voice, who I am just spoiling is Trixie, because, tells Apocalypse that they need to meet in Hell’s Town Square. I always thought Hell was a place where the damned go where they suffer eternal torment. Sort of like Jersey. But I now I know better .It is Jersey.


So the next day, Apocalypse goes to Town Square, not even entertaining the thought that Hell has finally made him lose his mind, to meet with the mysterious voice. And I have a question! Is this a very lax version of Hell? The Hell I know makes you stand in a room with shit that comes up to your waist and then makes you stand on your head. Is this Hell just easy going?


Apocalypse: Hey, Mr. Satan, can I have the day of from having my heart ripped out of my butthole?


Mr. Satan: Huff… Mr. Apocalypse, this is the third day off this week.


Apocalypse: I know, it’s just that… A voice in my head told me to go to Town Square and it told me that it knows how to escape Hell. Despite the fact that, I can pretty much go wherever I want and do whatever I want.


Mr. Satan: Fine, but if this happens again, I’m going to have to write you up.


Apocalypse: … You’re a really bad devil.


Mr. Satan: Yes, I know…


Apocalypse hears the voice again, urging him towards an alleyway where he meets the mysterious mare in a dark cloak. Apparently, this is quite terrifying to him.

“Where are you?” Apocalypse asked with a bad feeling about this whole escape plan.


“I’m behind the tavern.” he heard the voice answering.


He went in the direction of the tavern as he saw a shape with a black cloak disappearing behind the building. Now he has the opportunity to find out who the mysterious voice belongs to. As he arrived he recognized that there was nopony behind the tavern. With a trail of frustration he asked: “Is there anypony?”


“Yes. I’m straight behind you.” he heard the voice chuckling which made him feel a bit scared.

I didn’t know we ordered the pussy version of Apocalypse. I want my money back! Seriously, with a name like Apocalypse, I expect something a little more threatening and a little less idiot! Granted that might have something to do with Apocalypse being my favorite X-Men Villain, but seriously, don’t give this type of villain a badass name like that! Unless you’re being ironic! Which I know this fic doesn’t have enough talent for!


Trixie explains that she’s an enemy of Prince Firestorm and that she wants to help Apocalypse take his revenge against him.


Yes, this is a sequel to some story in which these two fought each other in the past, but frankly, I doubt I’d need to read it, if it’s anything like other stories of this type.


Mysterious pony finds Main Six. Main Six instantly love him. Bad guy attacks hero. Main Six get kidnapped. Pony saves day and the Main Six show him how much they love him.



:ajsmug::yay::pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss::raritystarry::twilightsmile: Please, fuck us! At the same time!


Don’t mind if I do…


When Apocalypse sees Trixie, he notices that her horn isn’t broken like everyone else’s. He asks why that is, and Trixie says she cast an illusion spell that prevented everyone from noticing. Including, I guess, the fucking devil! And that she knows a spell that can teleport them out of Hell and into Equestria. She also apparently has something called a stone of destruction, which I guess, causes friendship.


You mean destruction?


There’s a difference?


Apocalypse agrees to help her escape and says he’ll only do it if Trixie helps him claim revenge on Firestorm.

“It seems that we have an agreement then.” She smiled, “But how should we escape?”


“That’s easy. We have to find one of those elite soldiers and manipulate him so he will open us the gates or we find a special demon that can dig us a way out.” he said with a grin on his face while he thought about his revenge.

If it’s so fucking easy, then why the hell have you been waiting so long to escape Heck?! You really are the worst villain I’ve ever read! Even Mykan has better villains than this story!


We then cut to a character named Firebolt. God dammit, can we have only one masterbation section at a time, please?!

“One of the protector unicorns notified a try of somepony to take control of one of your soldiers in hell, My Lord.” he reported.

I’m sorry, could you try rewriting that entire sentence so it doesn’t sound stupid?!


Firebolt hears that one of his soldiers is being manipulated by Apocalypse. I guess they decided to send a messenger tell Firebolt to deal with it, instead of dealing with the problem themselves. Ugh, it’s so hard to find good help nowadays.


Firebolt sends a message to Firestorm, because I guess he can’t handle it himself, and get Firestorm over to the gates of Hell. Firebolt explains the situation and orders Firestorm to gather his troops and prepare for war. Firestorm quivers in horror at the stress of it all, but luckily, Fuckerbolt tells Firestorm not to worry, because if things get bad he’s here to save the day. Oh, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. Let me try that again.

“That’s not that kind of message I hoped for.” Firestorm said as he walked over to a map of Equestria, “I will tell my sisters to double the guards in every town.”


“That might be a good start to prevent an upcoming disaster but if it comes again to war I will not be able to fight against an army even if I have the best soldiers in whole Equestria. But we are only twenty. So you have to reunion your troops again and help me” Firebolt said as he stepped besides Firestorm.


“You know that Equestria can’t deal with another war.” Firestorm said as he thought at the fallen ponies of the last war, “But I will do my best.”


“I hope it won’t get so far but we have to prepare for the worst case.” The golden stallion said as he pointed at the map, “I have sent out my spies all over Equestria even into hell to get some information about our enemy.”

Actually, no. That is what I meant.


Seriously, I honestly thought we were getting an honest to god story about someone else’s character, but apparently we have an author made character who pushes aside the supposed main character to show off how much better this character is. It’s a Mary-Sue OC trying to outdo a Mary-Sue OC. … I do not like that. Not one bit.



Also, for the love of god, don’t have two characters with similar names in your story, it makes it fucking confusing! Firestorm and Firebolt are too similar names and I often forget about which one I’m reading about. Not that it matters since both of them have the personality of a lobotomized worm.


The story throws around a couple of names that I guess we are supposed to know, but are never given context for who these characters are, so you could have made them nameless phantoms and it would have meant as much.

A dark blue Pegasus with a dark greyish mane appeared in front of him. “My Lord, I have heard some rumours about Apocalypse and an unknown mare planning to escape from hell.” Night Hawk said, “But these rumours are several days old.”

“It seems that Equestria is again shortly before a new war. I hoped that it wouldn’t turn out that bad.” the golden alicorn said saddened, “Tell Shadow Hunter that the time has come. She should prepare the soldiers for war.”

Though to be fair, I would much rather read about a story about Night Hawk and Shadow Hunter, even if those names are rather stupid, they can’t be worse characters than what we got.


The whole chapter is about Firebolt and Firestorm writing love letters to each other. I mean, writing about the horrible situation that Trixie and Apocalypse have escaped. Why am I reading about a couple of Mary-Sues fighting evil?! What I should be reading is two Mary-Sues trying to out Mary-Sue each other that results in them falling in love with one another! That sounds leagues more interesting than this shit!


We then cut to Firebolt, who receives news from Hell.

Firebolt was asleep for a few hours as the horrified messenger entered the sleeping room, “We have news from hell, My Lord.”

Oh, I’m sorry. I meant, new from hell, as in the worst possible news that one could be given. As opposed to news from the place ‘Hell’. Ha, double entendre.

“The guards found a tunnel which leads to your old homeland in the north.”

Turns out it was under the main starting city the whole time. Why do people build cities straight over Hell?

Firebolt went down to the armory and take one of the helmets with the inbuilt radio and put on one of the high-tech armors

Is this going to be one of those Warhammer 40k suits? Because I read a fic about that already, and it was probably better than I give it credit for!

A dark greyish material covered him which would absorb most of the damage he would get. The armor protects his user from every known spell.

Well, I’m sure glad we don’t mass produce the fuck out of this thing and protect ALL the soldiers in Equestria. Only the super special ponies get it.

At the meeting area he saw in the dark of the night two other alicorn stallions waiting for him. Both were covered by exact the same armor. “Good choice, Shadow Hunter.” he thought while he gave the two stallions the details for their mission.

Oh, I’m sorry, I guess all the Equestrian’s get this suit of armor. My bad.


The group head towards where the gate to hell is with our cameo from all your favorite characters from the show.

She went back to the main building followed by the Princesses, Twilight, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Apple Jack and Rainbow Dash. Only Firestorm and Night Hawk remained outside.

See? This is an MLP fic and not a desperate story to shove my OC in your face! I mentioned the main six. I mean, they don’t do anything, say anything, or contribute anything to the scene, so there is no fucking point in them being there in the first place, but you at least know they’re there! I’m such a good writer!


After dealing with it… I think, the story has no sense of flow as shown by this scene…

After about fifteen minutes of searching one of the two others reported that he found the tunnel and sent Firebolt the coordinates. “Guard the entrance until I sealed it! Nothing is authorized to leave hell through this exit.” Firebolt yelled into the radio, “I will come as quick as possible.”

“Affirmative!” he heard the voice out of the radio answering while he changed the directions towards the coordinates he received.

Shortly after Firebolt left Firestorm and the others arrived at the camp. Just in the moment when Firestorms hooves touched the ground Night Hawk turned visible. “Where were you coming from?” the frightened alicorn said.

“Firebolt has ordered me to protect you while you’re outside of the base.” the dark blue Pegasus smiled.

A light blue alicorn mare with blonde mane and golden streak in her blonde tail stepped towards the new arrivals. “Hello, I am Shadow Hunter, Firebolts second in Command.”

“Where is he?” Firestorm asked.

“He left to seal the tunnel Apocalypse dug to escape from hell. He should be back in a few hours.” the mare answered softly, “Come along! I will show you where you can sleep for the next couple of days.”

She went back to the main building followed by the Princesses, Twilight, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Apple Jack and Rainbow Dash. Only Firestorm and Night Hawk remained outside.

“So you had the order to protect me?” Firestorm asked, “But how could you protect me when you weren’t with me?”

“That’s simple.” Night Hawk answered as he turned invisible.

“Where are you?”

“I am just behind you.” He said while turning visible again.

“And what are you?” the Prince asked amazed.

This is exactly how it is written! Did you notice the change of characters when Firebolt’s scene was switched over to Firestorm?! I sure fucking didn’t the first time! I had to go back and double fucking check! This is the problem with not only naming characters with similiar names, but not making your fucking scene changes obvious! At least a couple of spaces to signify that!


Night Hawk gets Firestorm to safety, presumably so he can fuck Rainbow Dash, as evidence by this line.

“Come on!” they heard a mares voice calling, “You can talk tomorrow.” They turned around and saw Shadow Hunter stepping towards them. “Come on. It’s a bit cold outside. I don’t want you to catch a cold. And Rainbow Dash is awaiting you in your room, Firestorm.”

Oh, boy! Three chapters in and Rainbow Dash hasn’t even had a line of dialogue, and already she’s getting fucked up the butt. I bet that's a record.



So, Firebolt enters a large cavern to stop Apocalypse from reaching the surface. However, he is quickly ambushed and attacked by Apocalypse’s warriors. And… wait what?

“Ha! My army was in Equestria the whole time, you fool.” Apocalypse said as he shot another beam at the pony on the ground. Firebolt screamed in pain and his sight got blurred. The last he saw was the shape of Apocalypse.


“You will be my revenge.” He said smirking to the lifeless body as he vanished.

Hmm… Mary-sue killed off, huh? What do you guys think? Illusion? Jesus Metaphor? Or he was never dead to begin with and this is just a fake out?


Let me know in the comments below.


We then cut to two soldiers who find Firebolt’s dead body and say this stupid line.

After he uncovered the body he lifted Firebolt on his back and said: “We have to bring him back to the medical station in the base.”

Uh, guys, you just said he was fucking dead! I don’t think this is something penicillin is going to fix!


We then cut to Night Hawk and Shadow Hunter as they try to discover what happened to Firebolt since they lost communication with him. The other soldiers arrive soon after, literally the next sentence, pointing out how fucked the pacing of this damn thing is. Where they find out that the armor they have has been pierced by magic.

“We got into an ambush after he closed the tunnel.” one of the stallions reported, “He got hit four times. All four shots pierced his armor.”


“But how could this be possible?” the upset Pegasus asked.


“We have no idea.”

… Okay… I admit it… That’s a good way to build intrigue.


Not that it makes up for anything else this story has thrown at us, but at least that was a good bit to build intrigue. Let’s see how they fuck it up.


They get Firebolt back to the medical center, where everyone is really worried as to what they’ll do without the only one who can save them, even though it was Firestorm who defeated Apocalypse last time, according to the fucking story! But thankfully, we have this line.

Around midday Shadow Hunter went to the medical station. She entered a room with a bed surrounded by medical equipment. On the bed she saw a pony with several bandaged wounds.


“He’s still in a bad condition.” a nurse said while leaving, “But he’s alive.”

And the correct answer was fake out! If you answered that correctly, you must be a regular viewer.


Oh, and apparently Shadow Hunter and Firebolt are in love or something. Because… you know… they have so much chemistry together in the… what, 2 minutes of time they share together? Clearly, they are in fucking love!



Seriously, I don’t remember a scene where we even see them together, expressing any kind of relationship! All he does is boss her around, since he is the commander. Maybe she gets off on being dominated!

Towards evening the mare woke up still holding Firebolts hoof. “Please don’t leave me.” She whispered into his ears, “I need you.” She felt a tear running down her cheek. “I can’t live without you.”

Meaning she’ll kill herself if you don’t let her suck your dick. I’m learning so many good things reading these fics.


Apparently two weeks pass, with nothing happening with Apocalypse’s men or Firestorm’s story, in a story about fucking Firestorm, but hey, this is the author’s masterbation section. No one better muscle in on his turf. As Firebolt wakes up from his coma. Again, in a story about Firestorm, there seems to be very little Firestorm.


And for that matter, if you didn’t know this was a My Little Pony fic going in, you could be mistaken for thinking that this isn’t a My Little Pony fic! There is so little mention of characters, places, or things in the MLP universe. Yes, all the characters are unicorns or pegasi or what have you, but nothing in this fic feels like it would take place in a My Little Pony universe. Hell, it probably would have done slightly better if it was an original piece.


But whatever, they move Firebolt to another room in the hospital… which is really only there to try and build tension in a story where tension has all been cut off, since we are now focusing on Firebolt’s hospital stay rather than the battle against Apocalypse.


I can just imagine this Warhammer 40k style war going on about a half mile away, with unicorns battling the legions of hell, and the author decides to focus on the fucking hospital where nothing is happening!


Get your fucking priorities straight!

The next day Shadow Hunter went back to Firebolt but the room was empty. Terrified she rushed towards the nurses’ room. One of the nurses saw her coming and stopped her. “Calm down. We took him to another room.”

Hope you enjoyed that, because that was fucking useless!

Shadow helped him through the door and into his bed. “Want to stay overnight?” he asked as Shadow got ready to leave which caused her to blush.

“Uhm… That’s unexpected.” She answered confused. “But if you want. I’ll sleep on this chair.”

“I think you misunderstood me.” Firebolt said, nodding to the place besides him and smiled. The mare blushed again and lay besides the stallion.

And then they fucked… Right on the hospital bed! I can imagine the nurse’s reaction to seeing that.



Firebolt recovers after their night of fucking and returns to the battlefield where apparently Apocalypse has been sitting on his ass catching up on Game of Thrones instead of trying to conquer the world, because nothing much has happened since his coma.

“Welcome back!” Firebolt heard a pony saying at the end of the room saying. He identified the pony as the chief of the control room team.

“Well. Tell me what has happened during my absence.”

“Not much. We tried to find your attackers but haven’t found any tracks.” The chief reported.

So, yeah… Him being injured proved totally pointless.


The group travels to Zebrica with a large military operation, which I guess the Zebrica government just lets them do. Because fuck Zebras I guess. And just to show how asinine the dialogue for this fucking thing is, here’s the worst line I could possibly find.

“Sorry, I have just overreacted as I recognized that you’re the wrong zebra.” He apologized to the zebra.

Yes, tell the zebra what you just did and why you did it. That makes for good dialogue. As you can see, the ponies in this fic like to rough up innocent civilians, who didn’t do anything. What good fucking heroes!



They capture Trixie, without much of a fight, and take her back to Firebolt for interrogation.

Trixie opened slowly her eyes, winked and saw a bright light in front of her. She tried to put her hoof between her eyes and the blinding light but she couldn’t. She looked around and found herself fixed on a table in a dark grey room. The room had no other light source than the lamp above her. She turned her head to the left and spotted a little table beside her. The bloodstained instruments of torture let her panic.

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say interrogation? I meant, fucking torture!



Jesus Christ dude, Pinkie Pie from Cupcakes is saying ‘Calm the fuck down!’


And it’s at this point, we really see how much of a fucking psychotic Firebolt really is.

He stepped towards the little table and looked at the tools. “Hmm … How should I start?” He thought aloud and took a saw.

“W-What are you d-doing?” Trixie asked scared.

“Just take my revenge.” Firebolt answered smirking. He bent over her head and looked into her eyes as he positioned the saw on her horn.

“Wait!” she cried as he started to cut off her horn.

“You don’t need it anymore.” Firebolt answered as the color of his iris changed from a deep blue to blood red.

“A-Ap…” She started before Firebolt put his hoof at her mouth.

“Stop talking.” He said smiling and calmly as he duct-taped her mouth.

Tears were running down her cheeks while he cut off her horn. She panicked as she saw Firebolt laying the saw aside and took a small knife with curved blade. The mare groaned in pain as he sliced her left foreleg.

“That could hurt a little.” He said as he swung the hammer at her right hindleg. As the Hammer hit he heard the bones cracking.

The last thing Trixie saw before she passed away was the hammerhead dashing towards her face. The hammer shattered her skull as he hit it. Blood splattered at the ground, the walls and even at Firebolt.

Oh, but Firebolt realizes that he did a bad thing, so that makes it okay.

The color of his eyes went back to the deep blue. Confused he looked around and at the slaughtered Trixie. “W-What have I done?” He stuttered suddenly full of doubt.

Well, let’s see what kind of consequences come from him losing control? Is he locked up in a dungeon deep beneath the earth’s crust where he won’t be able to hurt anyone again? Pfft, nope!



We then cut to Firestorm who is confronted by Firebolt about Firestorm helping Trixie free Apocalypse. Firestorm says he has no idea what he’s talking about, but Firebolt doesn’t believe him. And at this point, I am just as confused as you are. I’m just hoping this story ends soon!



Oh, and Rainbow Dash is in this fic.



As important as Aquaman was for BatmanVSuperman.


The two fight and Firestorm discovers that Apocalypse… has, sing it with me, taken over Firebolt’s body, cleansing him of any wrongdoing and of course, any intrigue along with it.


Told you there would be no fucking consequences to Firebolt brutally murdering Trixie! Why are people so afraid of writing consequences for their characters actions?!

“Who else?” Apocalypse answered “You don’t know how strong your friend really is. It took me a while to take possession of him but he is the only pony who is strong enough to beat you.”

Said one mary-sue to another.


Firestorm is badly beaten by Apocalypse, but fortunately, the savior of the universe Firebolt is here to save us all with his ability to overcome Apocalypse to save an innocent pony.



Oh… yeah… That happened, didn’t it? Um… Action sequence!

Firebolt opened his eyes slowly and found himself covered in a full body armor in a totally destroyed room. He heard Firestorm talking with another him unknown pony. He turned his head towards the source and saw his friend lying wounded in front of the other pony. He demounted the cover of his horn and charged towards Apocalypse creating a small plasmaball at the top of his horn.

Just as Apocalypse raised his hoof to give Firestorm the deathblow, Firebolt rammed his horn in Apocalypses flank. Apocalypse screamed in pain as he felt his body burning innerly. He turned around and was surprised to see Firebolt. “Y-You? ... You should be unconscious for an hour!” he screamed.

The plasmaball burned his way through the body and left a big hole in Apocalypse as he fell to the ground and cooled down.

“You messed with the wrong Ponies!” Firebolt said as Apocalypse passed away.

Turns out that the battle between Firebolt and Apocalypse injured Rainbow Dash. Oh, no! Not Rainbow Dash! She brought so much in this fic! Like… that one line she had….

“No way! I am not for nothing the Element of Loyalty.” She answered.

That justifies her being here! The fic would have fallen apart without it.


We then cut to Firestorm in a hospital bed where he’s been in a coma for two weeks. Wait, haven’t we done this before? Oh, it was with Firebolt. God damnit! Stop giving ponies similiar names in the same damn story!

A few moments later Firebolt entered the room and stepped towards the bed, though he made sure to keep a safe distance to it. “Thank godness, you’re awake. We’ve already feared the worst.”

“You!” Firestorm exclaimed, failing to hide his fury. “Come closer.”

Firebolt stepped two steps forward.

“I said, closer.”

And then they fucked.


Firebolt orders Firestorm to forgive him for almost killing him or he’ll slit Rainbow Dash’s throat and Shadow Hunter finds that incredibly hot, and the world is once again enslaved by a OC bullshit Mary-Sue asshole, who gets away with brutally murdering people because he’s the main character and the author couldn’t give a shit what you think.



Poorly written doesn’t do it justice! This is ‘what the hell’ levels of insanity. The story that should be about Firestorm is buried under the author’s own masterbastion section with his character who he purposely tries to make better than Firestorm in every single way.


That’s like writing a Batman story about Batman, only to wind up writing in another character who is better than Batman in every way and focus more on him. You don’t do that!



Not that the characters are very well defined in this. All the characters have zero personality to them or depth. The romance between Shadow and Firebolt is ungodly forced since we know nothing about who they are or why they love each other. It just comes the fuck out of nowhere, and you’re just expected to buy it.


The plot is half thrown together and the rest of it, the author couldn’t bother. The main character was in a coma for two weeks, with no fucking consequences! Why didn’t Apocalypse do something?! The plot literally stopped to give this character a chance to recover! Fuck, you could have not injured him at all, and it would have changed fuck all. It’s only there to make you care about the character.


As for caring about him, the only way I care about him is in what way he dies. I care very much about that. I prefer with a blowtorch and a pickaxe. He’s not interesting, he’s not likable, and he’s certainly not willing to take responsibility for his actions. He doesn’t live up to Trixie’s murder, he holds Rainbow Dash hostage so that Firestorm will forgive him, he cares about no one but himself.


And a story like this, where you are meant to fall in love with this character, they can’t act like this. They can’t act like a fucking dick and still expected to be loved and admired by readers. Ponanity is what makes a character able to be loved by an audience. This character lacks the basics of pony fucking decency.


Apocalypse did nothing throughout the entire fic, Trixie was thrown in there because the author hates Trixie and wanted to brutally torture her, cupcakes-style. The grammar and spelling are all over the place. It’s just another bowl of pigeon shit that I had to consume.

Comments ( 5 )

I’m a foe of Firestorm

All I can think of right now is that Gerry Conelly, Firestorm's creator, wrote some pony eppies. Now I just want to watch more Legends of tomorrow.

*45 minutes later*

Ah, not as good as Flash, but a fun ride.

I doubt even Mykan would write something this stupid. At least when he makes his villains, he makes them almost slightly threatening.

You never read Power Ranger Digital. The horror, the horroy.

es, this is a sequel to some story in which these two fought each other in the past, but frankly, I doubt I’d need to read it, if it’s anything like other stories of this type.

And I can't seem to find the oriina.

Turns out it was under the main starting city the whole time. Why do people build cities straight over Hell?

Ask Joss Whedon

Mary-sue killed off, huh? What do you guys think? Illusion? Jesus Metaphor? Or he was never dead to begin with and this is just a fake out?

Jesus Metaphor, I always bank on Jesus metaphor

The bloodstained instruments of torture let her panic.

Tell me, have you seen prison hell K3?

Another fic, another chance for me to go outside with an ice cream bowl, hoping that the mystical Cookies ‘n Cream will fall from the heavens and present itself before me. Only to realize, a few bites in, that it’s actually pigeon shit.

Such is life...

An OC, as many of you have already guessed.

i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/705/849/b04.gif
Seriously, though, OCs are in themselves not bad. But with 90% of them being fairly poorly written...
Also, is there a major difference between this Firestorm and the DC Superhero Firestorm? Because that's who I thought of when I started reading this before clarification.

The character is actually made by a fanfiction user, known as Lieutenant Firestorm.

With how close the two names are, who are we to know whether or not one of them is a sock puppet?

I wonder what other milestones we will achieve in this review? Will we this be the first OC fic I praise as being equal to most characters in the show? Or will it be a the first fic in which I vomit diarrhea?

I've got $10 on the latter. Let's go.

Whatever, a creature named Apocalypse-

Yeah, in our dreams, is woken up by the ‘silent’ voice.

... really?
I mean, if the dude's named Apocalypse, I would expect more dark rituals or ominous Latin chanting. Not "Hey wake up, we've got stuff to do."
Also, what is it with people naming their OCs like this? I mean, we had Shattered Watshisface a few weeks ago, now Apocalypse? What's next? "Worldsmasher?"

I doubt even Mykan would write something this stupid. At least when he makes his villains, he makes them almost slightly threatening.

That... is actually surprisingly accurate. Wow, yet another thing that Mykan is actually good at... more or less.

Yes, this voice, who I am just spoiling is Trixie, because

Interesting to note that it's always Trixie who's the first bad guy to help the new bad guy. Why not bring someone like Gilda or the Three Morons back? Is it because Trixie's the one with actual power/grudges/character development?

Apocalypse: … You’re a really bad devil.

Mr. Satan: Yes, I know…

But he's got such an amazing afro...
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/ultradragonball/images/e/e6/MrSatan.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20111002023648

I didn’t know we ordered the pussy version of Apocalypse. I want my money back! Seriously, with a name like Apocalypse, I expect something a little more threatening and a little less idiot! Granted that might have something to do with Apocalypse being my favorite X-Men Villain, but seriously, don’t give this type of villain a badass name like that! Unless you’re being ironic! Which I know this fic doesn’t have enough talent for!

I'm with you there. If you give a villain a good name, he's got to be nice and threatening. I mean, look at X-Men!Apocalypse, Thanos, Darkseid; all have cool names, all some of the most powerful beings in their respective universes, and have brought multiple powerful heroes to their knees during their time in the comics and other media.
Why can't we have a villain like that?

Yes, this is a sequel to some story in which these two fought each other in the past, but frankly, I doubt I’d need to read it, if it’s anything like other stories of this type.

Yeah, you need to save some of your sanity for later.

When Apocalypse sees Trixie, he notices that her horn isn’t broken like everyone else’s. He asks why that is, and Trixie says she cast an illusion spell that prevented everyone from noticing. Including, I guess, the fucking devil! And that she knows a spell that can teleport them out of Hell and into Equestria. She also apparently has something called a stone of destruction, which I guess, causes friendship.

So... why is she asking for help again?

If it’s so fucking easy, then why the hell have you been waiting so long to escape Heck?! You really are the worst villain I’ve ever read!

Even the bad guys from the first darkness war were more intimidating than these guys.

Firebolt sends a message to Firestorm, because I guess he can’t handle it himself, and get Firestorm over to the gates of Hell. Firebolt explains the situation and orders Firestorm to gather his troops and prepare for war.

"We can use our fire spears with fire shields, so then our enemy will be pinned down while we bring about our fire swords and fire arrows to finish them off!"
... If you are going to have different characters, please try to make their names a bit different or else you get... whatever that is.

It’s a Mary-Sue OC trying to outdo a Mary-Sue OC.

Ooh, sounds like 5th Edition 40K all over again.

Not that it matters since both of them have the personality of a lobotomized worm.

... he didn't mean that, Mr. Squiggly

The story throws around a couple of names that I guess we are supposed to know, but are never given context for who these characters are, so you could have made them nameless phantoms and it would have meant as much.

Hmm, that sounds familiar... I should stop doing that.

The whole chapter is about Firebolt and Firestorm writing love letters to each other.

More proof that it doesn't matter what you are; gay, straight, bi, you are going to get your relationships wrecked by bad writing.

Firebolt was asleep for a few hours as the horrified messenger entered the sleeping room

IT'S A "BEDROOM", YOU IDIOTS! A BEDROOM!

Firebolt went down to the armory and take one of the helmets with the inbuilt radio and put on one of the high-tech armors

Uh... description, please?

Well, I’m sure glad we don’t mass produce the fuck out of this thing and protect ALL the soldiers in Equestria. Only the super special ponies get it.

Everyone else gets a cardboard box with "armor" written on it. Laser pointers will be supplied next.

Hmm… Mary-sue killed off, huh? What do you guys think? Illusion? Jesus Metaphor? Or he was never dead to begin with and this is just a fake out?

I'm gonna go with "C"

Uh, guys, you just said he was fucking dead! I don’t think this is something penicillin is going to fix!

"What kind of person gives CPR for a BULLET WOUND IN THE HEAD?! What would you have done if they shot me in the foot? Rub my neck with Aloe Vera?"

And the correct answer was fake out! If you answered that correctly, you must be a regular viewer

YAY!

Oh, and apparently Shadow Hunter and Firebolt are in love or something. Because… you know… they have so much chemistry together in the… what, 2 minutes of time they share together? Clearly, they are in fucking love!

But I thought that Firebolt was in love with Firestorm-Sempai. ALL MY FANFICS ARE RUINED!!!!!1!!111!!!!11 :raritycry:

I can just imagine this Warhammer 40k style war going on about a half mile away, with unicorns battling the legions of hell, and the author decides to focus on the fucking hospital where nothing is happening!

Thank God I didn't do that...

Oh, and Rainbow Dash is in this fic.

Hello!

Oh… yeah… That happened, didn’t it? Um… Action sequence!

Well, one more down. Someday, you will find a light at the end of the tunnel... probably to drive right into another tunnel, because Internet.

And the correct answer was fake out! If you answered that correctly, you must be a regular viewer.

:pinkiesad2: I thought it was going to be a Jesus metaphor, those are so easy...

“Sorry, I have just overreacted as I recognized that you’re the wrong zebra.” He apologized to the zebra.

That might be racist.

The plasmaball burned his way through the body and left a big hole in Apocalypse as he fell to the ground and cooled down.

“You messed with the wrong Ponies!” Firebolt said as Apocalypse passed away.

See? We're ponies! Its a MLP story! Honest!

It's a Mary-Sue off. A contest were to only loses are the audience. Bring the popcorn and the beer. This is going to get stupid.

a stone of destruction, which I guess, causes friendship.

You mean destruction?

There’s a difference?

Sometimes no. I have had my share of friends. I also found you can't always share your time with each of them at the same time. Some friends just don't mix.

OK, bad example.

I did have one friend for years, that was not who he seemed to be, and at one time after some falling out, he blamed me for a bad business decision he made himself. For me that was the last straw.

I find you may have to wait to see how some friendships fester, I mean develop, to know how it my turn out. And it is not always good.

“That’s not that kind of message I hoped for.”

Not in any way related, I know, but I was suddenly reminded of the moment in Kung-Fu Panda, of the time ShiFu tries to tell Oogway of some bad news.

ShiFu: "Master Oogway, I have some bad news!"

Oogway: "There is no good news or bad news. Only news."

ShiFu: "Master, Tai Lung has escaped."

Oogway: "Oh' That is bad news."

:rainbowlaugh:

Also, for the love of god, don’t have two characters with similar names in your story, it makes it fucking confusing!

I know, I had some trouble with that part myself. Mostly because today I am trying to relax and I just didn't want to try that hard to pay attention to what was going on in that part. Not that I was not trying to pay attention to it, I just didn't what to try that hard, but found myself having to anyway.

so you could have made them nameless phantoms and it would have meant as much.

I have looked at stories that have used the name Anonymous. And even some of those stories have managed to make that person interesting, and worth reading about. At least to me.

Though to be fair, I would much rather read about a story about Night Hawk and Shadow Hunter, even if those names are rather stupid, they can’t be worse characters than what we got.

Oh' yes they can, but you would have to read about them to find out.

And if they were written by the same person, I re-input my previous statement here again.

entendre

Sadly, I will have to look that up. :twilightsheepish: Well, I don't know everything, you know. :derpyderp2:

Is this going to be one of those Warhammer 40k suits? Because I read a fic about that already, and it was probably better than I give it credit for!

Yes, probably. :derpytongue2:

Is this going to be one of those Warhammer 40k suits? Because I read a fic about that already, and it was probably better than I give it credit for!

But the thing would be pretty darn useless I guess, against some spells they didn't know about. Based off this: "The armor protects his user from every known spell."

So, what about any spells they didn't know about yet?

This is the problem with not only naming characters with similiar names, but not making your fucking scene changes obvious! At least a couple of spaces to signify that!

I usually just go with using this:

~~~~~~

It is easy enough to do.

Let me know in the comments below.

Possibly, all of the above?

It was all an illusion, for it was a well planed out Jesus death by the writer, so he was never really dead to begin with. Or at least not likely long enough for it to matter, if he did die.

I love these guessing games. :trollestia:

“But how could this be possible?” the upset Pegasus asked.

“We have no idea.”

Maybe because he used some form of magic you didn't know about that was not set for your precious armor to protect against? Just as I had thought could happen?

Can I call it, or what? :derpytongue2:

Okay… I admit it… That’s a good way to build intrigue.

Not for me, not after thinking what I just did. It was just too obvious. Provided the big threat in this story did use magic they didn't know about.

I don't see how it could have happened otherwise. Other than bad story telling that might never tell how he was able to do it, of say something that did not fit the moment. That could be too.

And the correct answer was fake out! If you answered that correctly, you must be a regular viewer.

I just tried to put it all together as one answer. And got it wrong. Despite being a regular, for a short time anyways.

Meaning she’ll kill herself if you don’t let her suck your dick. I’m learning so many good things reading these fics.

I am learning even more reading these reviews. :rainbowlaugh:

So, yeah… Him being injured proved totally pointless.

So, I at least got that much right, that his time out was not going to be very long, and pointless.

What? I didn't say I thought it was going to be pointless as well? Well, I was thinking it.

What good fucking heroes!

He also insulted them by basically saying, "Sorry, but you all look the same to me. I just can't tell you all apart."

As important as Aquaman was for BatmanVSuperman.

And the Flash. He was in that movie too. Didn't you see that quick blur moving for that split second past the camera?

I thought Spider-man's appearance was much better in the avengers movie. I know it was Civil War, but, I call it an avengers move, because it had most of them in it.

I was disappointed they did not use Andrew Garfield as Spider-man. Even if the new-new guy Tom Holland was OK.

Told you there would be no fucking consequences to Firebolt brutally murdering Trixie! Why are people so afraid of writing consequences for their characters actions?!

My question I have for this, is why if Apocalypse is in control of Firebolt did he have Firebolt kill Trixie at all? Was Apocalypse finally tired of having Trixie helping him? Why not have Firebolt set her free? I mean, she was working for Apocalypse, and did help him get out of Hell of all places.

This I don't get.

They can’t act like a fucking dick and still expected to be loved and admired by readers.

Critique, you where saying??? :unsuresweetie:

Yes, now I am just being a dick, got to love me! :trollestia:

This character lacks the basics of pony fucking decency.

As do a lot of Bronies, but what does that matter?

Trixie was thrown in there because the author hates Trixie and wanted to brutally torture her, cupcakes-style.

But people love that sort of thing. I mean you should see all the praise one got for having an entire story on doing that to poor Derpy, and her fan placed daughter Dinky.

Though what was done to Dinky was rather ironic, because in the story Dinky was lead by the others to think they were doing a good thing for her, then they turn on her for much the same reason.

And this after she thought they where on her side and helping her, to be rid of a bad mother and town problem, one Dinky should be embarrassed about having as a mother. But nope. They kill her too in the end, and in about the same way as they did with her mother, with sexual torture.

That story gets praise for doing all of that and more in it.

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You have indeed saw too many of these reviews. :rainbowlaugh:

3938755

:pinkiesad2: I thought it was going to be a Jesus metaphor, those are so easy...

don't feel too bad, I did too.

That might be racist.

I was thinking the very same thing there as well. :rainbowlaugh:

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Seriously, though, OCs are in themselves not bad. But with 90% of them being fairly poorly written...

Guilty. :twilightblush:

But I seriously like my own OCs. I do. I'm just not always nice to them in my stories, or how I my write them.

But he's got such an amazing afro...

I nearly forgot about him. :facehoof:

If you give a villain a good name, he's got to be nice and threatening.

I thought the villains in my stories (with ones in it), was nice and threatening. As for the name of one in two of them he was in, by name alone, some just didn't know what the fuck it was. :derpyderp2:

Yes, I probably should have given a good description of him from the start of the story, within the story, rather than relying on the cover picture and the name of it to tell of what he is.

I'm gonna go with "C"

And Critique thought those of us that have been sticking around for his reviews was going to get the right answer. At least one of us did.

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