Friendship is Card Games: Newbie Dash · 11:03am May 8th, 2016
Ah, the Wonderbolts. They don’t have a very good track record, do they? They were introduced as Equestria’s best fliers, but it seems like every season has an episode dedicated to making them look bad.
“Sonic Rainboom” had three of their elites get knocked out by a flailing unicorn. Granted, that unicorn may have had martial arts training, but they still got punched out by a panicking pony they were trying to preserve. “Secret of My Excess” saw Spike outwit them even when he was greed-maddened well past the point of speech. The ‘Bolts cowered in the fetal position until freed, then puffed out their chests like they were responsible for stopping the dragon. In “Wonderbolts Academy,” Rainbow Dash had to remind Spitfire that potentially lethal recklessness isn’t the best attribute to encourage in cadets. And “Rainbow Falls” and “Rarity Investigates!” showed how far Wonderbolts past and present are willing to sink in order to secure the win.
I have a good bit of momentum going here, so I’ll forego the “No Second Prances” bullet points and focus on how Season 6 will make me question just why Dash wants to join this outfit.
The Rainbow Dash fan club is apparently still a thing. That would explain why the horrible balloon Dash was in the dream clubhouse in “Bloom and Gloom.” It doesn’t justify that abomination’s existence in general, but we can’t have everything.
Huh. Not much ceremony to becoming a full-fledged Wonderbolt, is there? “Congrats. You’re flying in two days.” Rather anticlimactic, though Dash and Scootaloo’s faces do somewhat make up for it.
Poor Spike. Two episodes later and he’s back to being the butt monkey. Heck, poor Pinkie. Dave Rapp doesn’t seem to know what to do with her. Or Rarity, for that matter. Has she ever called Rainbow Dash “Dashie” before?
So, is Dash going on tour with the ‘Bolts or what? I’m getting mixed messages here.
I see the subliminal crash course in Wonderbolts history stuck with Dash.
You’d think they’d have taught Dash Rule One during the Academy days. It’s the same darn runway on the same darn mesa.
Latin is canon and is canonically used to make things sound more significant. Given the Greco-Roman aesthetic of pegasus architecture, it’s not surprising that the Wonderbolts use it for their motto.
And so the nickname rears its ugly head once more. Right in the emotional scar tissue. (And really, even the flight school instructor was laughing back in the day? Ms. Harshwhinny would be appalled by such unprofessionalism.)
Also, the only reason for that trash can to be smack in the middle of Wonderbolts HQ is to emphasize the parallel with the flight school incident… which only raises the question of what that trash can was doing out in the open. Since it’s well before the sonic rainboom, we can’t blame Starlight Glimmer.
Considering how easily Dash handled the Aerial Flower Formation, I’d think she wouldn’t have too much trouble with this routine. On the other hand, we haven’t seen her do much formation flying beyond the prep work she did in “Rarity Investigates!” Furthermore, she’s the rookie in a squad that’s used to working together like cogs in a machine. Dash doesn’t really do the whole “cog” thing. Not easily, anyway.
Still, I have to wonder what Dash was doing in the reserves if not learning these sorts of techniques in preparation for when she had to act as an aerobatic understudy. Maybe it’s just performance anxiety, especially since the others had just unearthed her old nickname and were using it like it was going out of style.
So… Rainbow Dash isn’t sleeping in the barracks? As I said earlier, this is clearly the same mesa as “Wonderbolts Academy.” Just how far is it from Ponyville? That seems like a rather obnoxious commute.
Dash’s chain of impressions was cringe-inducing, but I did enjoy the surreality of Ashleigh Ball imitating herself when Dash channeled Applejack. Also, holy crap is that mane malleable. One toss of Dash’s head and it looks however she wants.
Oh, and apparently Dash does pay some attention to Rarity. Definitely seemed like she knew what she was talking about when discussing the uniform. Also, that scene did quite a lot to emphasize how much she loathes that nickname. She’d rather be known for dressing in style.
It took the absence of Glimmer Dash to make me realize Starlight is nowhere to be seen. It looks like the episodes of this season really are scattered both before and after “The Cutie Re-Mark.” Even if Starlight has never heard of the Wonderbolts, she’d still be at the party to support her friend. Kind of appropriate for an episode built around time travel, though it’s rather frustrating for those of us who want something resembling a sane chronology.
Remember, if Scootaloo thinks something sounds dangerous, you should probably rethink the plan.
The really sad thing is that Dash was doing fine up until she tried to make herself stand out. If she had just finished the routine, that would’ve been a feather in her cap.
That cloud bone in Dash’s skeletal view is fascinating, all the more so when contrasted against Apple Bloom’s apple bone in “Bloom and Gloom.” Is the primary organ of a pony’s thaumic system near the pelvis? Could an x-ray determine the shape of a foal’s cutie mark before it appears? Am I overthinking a visual gag?
Good to see the Wonderbolts finally acknowledge Dash’s skill. Heck, good to see someone acknowledge her role in saving the world multiple times.
This episode is a proud moment for Dash, but it does a terrible job of answering the question of “What now?” With the Crusaders, we got a sense of what they’d be doing after fulfilling their goal. Here, that’s left completely vague. Is Dash going on tour with the Wonderbolts? Is she officially no longer on the Weather Patrol? Is she moving away from Ponyville? What’s the protocol for the next time she’s needed to save Equestria? What about map missions, assuming those ever happen again? There are way too many questions left unanswered. Still, that means plenty of avenues for fan fiction to explore.
In all, I feel like this was a poor episode with some good components to it. The momentousness of Dash’s accomplishment makes it feel all the more disappointing. This has been her goal from the very first time we saw her, and it’s thrown at her before the theme song rolls to set up the next step of the plot. This should’ve been Rainbow Dash’s “Magical Mystery Cure,” not a series of humiliations. Still, credit where it’s due, this is the most professional the Wonderbolts have looked in a long time, even if that isn’t saying much.
I’ve noticed a pattern with my least favorite episodes of each season. In the odd seasons, they’re Spike-focused: “Owl’s Well That Ends Well,” “Spike at Your Service,” and “Princess Spike.” In the even seasons, they’re Rainbow Dash-focused: “The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well,” “Daring Don’t,” and as of now, this one. I sincerely hope the pattern holds, because that would mean it’s all uphill from here. Still, it will be downright tragic if I count Dash finally getting into the Wonderbolts as one of the worst-written moments of the series.
Now, let’s just hope I don’t embarrass myself with these:
Cooldown Massage 1W
Enchantment
At end of combat on your turn, untap each creature that attacked this combat.
Wonderbolt routines push even the best conditioned pegasi to their limits. They take every precaution they can to avoid permanent injury.
Rookie Hazing 1W
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature can’t attack or block, and its activated abilities can’t be activated.
Whenever a creature enters the battlefield under an opponent’s control, attach Rookie Hazing to that creature.
Crowd Controller 2W
Creature — Pegasus Soldier
No more than two creatures can attack you or planeswalkers you control each combat.
Wonderbolt reservists rarely fly in the show itself, instead ensuring that nothing interrupts it.
1/2
Nest Guards 2W
Creature — Bird
Flying, vigilance
Whenever one or more creatures your opponents control attack, Nest Guards gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is the number of creatures attacking you and/or planeswalkers you control.
1/1
Flight School Instructor 3W
Creature — Pegasus Advisor
Flying
Each other creature you control with flying enters the battlefield with an additional +1/+1 counter on it.
Flight school is mandatory for pegasi, teaching them not just how to get in the air but also the best ways to use their innate magic.
2/2
Wonderbolt Induction 3WW
Enchantment — Aura
Flash
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+2 and has first strike.
Enchanted creature has double strike as long as it has flying.
Elaborate Routine 4W
Enchantment
Battalion — Whenever at least three creatures attack during your turn, attacking creatures get +2/+2 until end of turn.
The Wonderbolts’ choreography is equal parts beautiful and tactical.
Overpuff XW
Sorcery
You gain X life.
Retrace (You may cast this card from your graveyard by discarding a land card in addition to paying its other costs.)
Pinkie isn’t satisfied until she can barely lift the cotton candy.
Humiliating Crash 1U
Instant
Target creature gets -4/-0 and loses flying until end of turn.
Flashback 3U (You may cast this spell from your graveyard for its flashback cost. Then exile it.)
“Walk it off, rookie.”
—Spitfire, Wonderbolt captain
Mimetic Portrayal 2U
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
1U: Enchanted creature becomes a copy of another target creature you control until end of turn.
Dissatisfied with herself, Rainbow Dash tried a different kind of awesomeness.
Cancel Festivities 2B
Instant
If an opponent would gain life this turn, that player loses that much life instead.
”I’m not really feeling up to a party right now.”
—Rainbow Dash, Bearer of Loyalty
Buzz the Runway R
Sorcery
Whenever a creature enters the battlefield under your control this turn, that creature deal 1 damage to each opponent.
”Rule One: Always look both ways before crossing the runway.”
—Spitfire, Wonderbolt captain
Unstable Thunderhead 1R
Creature — Elemental
Defender, flying
When Unstable Thunderhead blocks, sacrifice it at end of combat.
Some clouds just want to watch the sky burn.
3/3
Hotshot Maverick 3R
Creature — Pegasus Warrior
Flying
Hotshot Maverick can’t attack unless you pay 1 for each other attacking creature.
Hotshot Maverick can’t block unless you pay 1 for each other blocking creature.
”Watch this!”
3/2
Thunderous Wonderbolts 3RR
Creature — Pegasus Soldier
Flying
Battalion — Whenever Thunderous Wonderbolts and at least two other creatures attack, Thunderous Wonderbolts deals 1 damage to each creature defending player controls.
Everypony knows when the Wonderbolts come to town.
3/2
Mutual Respect 1G
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+2.
If enchanted creature is paired with a creature, that creature gets +2/+2.
As much understanding the other’s flaws as embracing their strengths.
Legacy Gear 4
Artifact
Whenever an attacking creature you control dies, you may draw a card.
The relics of past Wonderbolts serve as inspiration for the next generation.
Ego Siege WB
Instant
Target creature gets -1/-1 until end of turn for each creature you control.
The worst part isn’t what they’re saying, but how many of them are saying it.
Quest for Glory RW
Enchantment
Whenever a creature you control deals combat damage to an opponent, put a quest counter on Quest for Glory.
Whenever a creature you control attacks, if Quest for Glory has four or more quest counters on it, that creature gains indestructible and trample until end of turn.
Utter Catastrophe 5RG
Sorcery
Cascade (When you cast this spell, exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card that costs less. You may cast it without paying its mana cost. Put the exiled cards on the bottom in a random order.)
Utter Catastrophe deals 5 damage divided as you choose among any number of target creatures and/or players.
Wonderbolt Barracks
Land
T: Add C to your mana pool.
1, T: Put a storage counter on Wonderbolt Barracks.
1, Remove X storage counters from Wonderbolt Barracks: Add X mana in any combination of R and/or W to your mana pool.
3929442
Good point. I've adjusted the rule of thumb with that in mind.
Seriously. There are few things I hate more than cringe comedy, and they decided that would be the chief device for the most momentous moment in Rainbow Dash's life. During the impressions I had to pause the video every twenty seconds because I honestly couldn't stand to watch it anymore.
Thus breaks the run of good to great episodes in early season 6
the only consolation is that at least it was bad in such a way that didn't make me fear for the future of the entire franchise, unlike the worst episodes in season 5.
Well. There's always next week, I guess.
Anyone else notice Spitfire's 'Superhero Landing' in the intro?
Oh shoot, that's a good point. RD mentioned that she wasn't leaving Ponyville, just going to perform that day... but Wossname's retirement was permanent, which means so is RD's position. And we haven't seen her on a map mission yet.
Maybe one of the key episodes we'll get is this: Rainbow Dash must choose between loyalty to the Wonderbolts, and loyalty to the call of her Element.
I never knew about the apple bone. XD Those images are amazing.
Answer made up on the spot: for her self insert fanfiction, the other characters are just her friends so she's had to do some
spyingresearch.I tend to assume that anything Latin or Greek in the show is probably rendered from Crystal-Imperial, which is in turn descended from Old North Amareican (the language they were speaking in My Little Pony: Tales). Old North Amareican was spoken four millennia ago at the time of the Cataclysm, and then fissioned into numerous variants.
The Greco-Roman aesthetic is what the Crystal-Imperials used before they developed their later crystalline architecture. The Pegasi adopted it, in particular, because they started with the lowest culture of any of the Three Tribes, and hence absorbed the most of Crystal-Imperial culture -- especially their military culture, and especially because their Commanders and other military leaders often served the Crystal Empire as auxiliaries, back when they all lived in the Old Homelands north of the Empire.
But that's specific to my particular timeline.
The one thing I liked about the chain of impressions is that it shows that Rainbow Dash is not as oblivious as she seems. She actually watches and understands her friends quite well -- and has learned more from them than she usually admits.
She is going on tour for a few months, and then she is going to come back home. Kind of like how a novelist will have a book autograph tour or an actor will go about promoting the film. Kind of like that. They never said how long a tour wiht the bolts are, and last I checked, an actor doesn't stay away from home 24/7.
Again, wait until the end of the series, THEN start the chronology. That or...
Starlight really, REALLY hates sports.
Overthinking random gags is what MLP fandom is all about! I mean, I always wondered, is there a "thaumic system" as such? Nothing in Equestria, even when it's unable to use visible magic, seems to be distinctly "mundane" or "material" in the sense of lacking magical properties. How complicated does a thaumic system have to be, if a tree can presciently predict the cutie-marks of the ponies who will wield the power from its fruits most prominently? Are those fruits? Is this all part of the long-term, multi-millenial reproductive cycle of Harmony trees?
So are they creating magic, similarly to the Potterverse where it "comes from" the wizard/witch, or are they channelling a latent magic or "magical field" that naturally exists in their environment, a la Discworld or Magic: the Gathering?
3929598
My personal way of dealing with the obviously borked chronology and history of Equestria, especially everything being exactly one millenium ago, is to just assume that it's been one millenium since the Age of Discord. Without Discord scrambling everyone's brains and written records, we can have a semi-sensible history after he's imprisoned, but everything prior is a mixture of myth and legend with real history. Recovering Luna's freedom from the Nightmare and the Crystal Empire in the space of a few years is actually a sign that the Age of Harmony has finally acquired momentum. Attempting to "redeem" Discord is a way of making sure he won't fuck things up now that they're finally going so well.
Apparent medieval stasis and schizo-tech are for the same reason: there have only been one thousand years of anything like a sane, record-keeping civilization who weren't constantly having their reality inverted by a literal god of chaos.
YAY WORLDBUILDING YAAAAAAAY.
Well, I enjoyed most of the episode despite the cringe humor. Then again, I am exceptionally easily entertained.
My favorite bits of the episode were dash first putting on her Wonderbolt costume (she looked freaking adorable) and her trying to change her nickname to Reading Rainbow. RD's egghead impression was a little too good, if you catch my drift. It's pushing me towards the headcanon that pegasi in general (or at least weather team managers) know more about higher math and the like for the sake of aerodynamics and meteorology than most would care to admit.
But yeah, cringe humor is some of the worst humor.
So, no Rainbow Dash, Wonderbolt Neophyte legendary creature?
Yes. Never Stop.
Also, Reading Rainbow.
3929636
I decided that there was something about the way Gravity, Fusion and Dissonance changed the Solar System when they made it geocentric that made even millennial and half-millennial dates especially portentous. Thus my Discord and Equestria chronology goes something like this:
~1020 BTH - Dissonance, Fusion and Gravity Incarnated as Discord, Celestia and Luna. At first Discord is the best friend of Celestia and Luna.
1000 BTH - Discord Awakes and destroys most of the world as it was, inaugurating the Age of Discord. Save in places protected by powerful Lawful magic, such as the Crystal Empire, the Hegemony of Lith, and the Heartspire, authority collapses and much history is deliberately scrambled. Celestia and Luna lead the resistance against Discord, for they are the only two beings he refuses to seriously harm.
YOH 0 - Celestia and Luna defeat Discord, and begin founding Equestria as a Realm.
~YOH 480 - Fall of the Crystal Empire. Chaos and suffering throughout North Amareica ensue.
YOH 500 - Luna goes mad, becomes Nightmare Moon. Celestia banishes her to the Moon.
YOH 1000 - The damage done by Luna's rebellion is healed and Equestria begins a Rebirth of learning.
YOH 1500 - Nightmare Moon's return, and Luna's Liberation from the Night Shadows.
3929442
If Scootaloo thinks something is too dangerous, rethink what you're doing.
3929763
Dashie's not stupid. She may be the least intelligent member of the Mane Six, but the Mane Six are the elite of the elite. That's like being the weakest Olympic-class heavyweight boxer.
I half-jokingly wondered if she was a changeling, but only because I've heard that they'll return this season.
I'm going to have to adjust my capillurgy headcanon to fit pegasi as well as earth ponies.
Anyway, I felt the way you did about this episode. Maybe if I watch it again knowing that it's all supposed to be good-natured ribbing, I'll enjoy it more, but the first time I mostly cringed at poor RD's humiliation.
I wonder if you can put the Battalion ability word on Elaborate Routine; it was only ever printed on creatures.
3929482
Indeed. Nice as it would be, they can't all be winners, but it's far better to look to the future than wallow in the past.
3929591
It could just be involuntary osmosis from getting roped into modeling enough times, but your idea is far funnier, and thus I prefer it.
3929598
I'm divided on the matter of the Three Tribes Era. Sometimes I treat it as a product of Discord's reign, an old parable on the importance of tribal cooperation accidentally mixed with half-remembered history to produce an unlikely tale of warring anachronisms. The founders all existed, but not contemporaneously. Meanwhile, Discord gets a kick out of a prank that still pays off every year, even if it does so in a nauseatingly twee way.
Other times, I treat it as historical fact, albeit a lot less pleasant for all parties when not sanitized for a not-Christmas pageant. Mind you, in that case, I treat the Crystal Empire as Chancellor Puddinghead's contingency plan, leaving a group behind in the old homelands on the off chance that the unnatural winter decided to follow the migrating ponies.
Aren't diverse headcanons fun?
3929602
Yeah, that works. It'll still be interesting how she handles a conflict of interest. Well, a relatively minor one, anyway. If the fate of the world is at stake, I doubt Dash will have to give it much thought.
3929636
I usually view magic in Equestria as a fifth fundamental force, with the thaum as its gauge boson. I haven't given too much thought to equine thaumobiology, though I am a fan of Discord playing merry havoc with history before his defeat. As for the Tree of Harmony, I usually see it more as Discord's opposite number than a conventional life form. Harmony just lends itself to a more passive and thus arboreal avatar.
3929763
Pegasi definitely pursue very mathematical disciplines. Sure, they say it's all instinct and gut feeling, but you don't design factories based on somepony's gut.
Also, I felt an Aura with flash best represented how the episode treated becoming a full Wonderbolt.
And yes, as you and 3929780 noted, they totally went there.
3930202
Clearly, all of the magic that would go into unicorns' hair goes into their horns instead.
3930233
Strictly speaking, there's nothing stopping me, especially since it's an ability word and thus has no actual rules meaning. The ability cares about you attacking with three creatures, ergo battalion.
3930884
PErhaps you have heard of Celestia decree 503: All matters pertaining to heroism, questing, and multidimensonal discorse supperceed all previous matters. This includes previous engagements, jobs, and/or weddings. All bosses are to allow said heroes time off to be a hero. Failure to comply will be sentanced to reading One More Day and Civil War.
This is in conjuction with Celestia decree 502: All heroes are to have a normal life. Please ignore any and all heroics. While it may be nice to give them fame, instant glory and free backrubs for the rest of their lives, reember that many are just ponies like you and...your sister. They want to be normal and would rather just be thought of as a friend first rather tan your savior.
Wich, if you think about it, shows a little bit of modesty on Dashies part. She doesn't abuse her fame and she doesn't use that as leverage. Why do I think if, before she got the job, Celestia had offered the job to her on a silver platter she would go
Dang straight! Better to enjoy the show and focus on what you love about it, rather than a past wrong.
The cringe was real this episode.
Despite that, though, I'm kind of on the opposite side here. I actually liked this overall, whereas most of the rest of the season hasn't really impressed me (for each episode's own failings, not for any persistent problem throughout all of them). It's competently put together, everybody's mostly in-character, the plot makes sense, there's some actual creativity and change to the status quo (not always a given this season; Gift of the Maud Pie's unique failing was its complete lack of any original elements), and I even laughed once or twice. I can also grumble about cringe comedy and how the Wonderbolts are mean, but at the end of the day, this episode did a lot right, and I've got to give credit for that.
Call it a 4/5.
3931003
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANYTHING BUT THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
!
I had the same thought on Elaborate Routine as 3930233 did, then there was your response here 3930910
So I went and did some digging into it and here are my thoughts on the matter; Battalion cares about the creature it is on attacking with at least two others. It is not that three creatures are attacking, it is that one creature has an ability that only works with support from their comrades.
While, yes, it is an ability word and has no entry in the comp rules or real rules meaning the intent of the ability is that it goes on a creature and that creature must attack alongside two others for that ability to trigger.
An Enchantment having Battalion adds confusion to the ability word, since the ability word is meant to be a short hand for "When this creature attacks with two others something happens; read on to find out just what happens."
The Enchantment works just fine without the ability word on it and is in line with other buffing Enchantments and would still be a good addition to a Battalion deck.
As for the others cards, all are good and par for the course with your other work, which is a good thing; keeping consistent output is hard and is better than fluctuating between great and bad.
Having said that I like "storage lands" so I like Wonderbolt Barracks.
The irritating thing about all of this is that they don't seem to realize that it looks like they've set up for a "Rainbow Dash finally realizes that the Wonderbolts aren't worth a photon in a solar wind" Aesop. The closer she gets to fulfilling her dream, the more you wait for Ditzy to channel Admiral Ackbar and yell "It's a TRAP!!"
3931003
Decree 502 does get a little ridiculous at times, like when Canterlot nobles fail to notice one of the ponies who got a massively attended award ceremony the other week for repetrifying the avatar of chaos. Yes, the Bearers deserve some semblance of normalcy, but there's not bringing attention to it and then there's plusgood doublethink.
3931670
Glad to hear you enjoyed it. Bad as I think the episode is, it'd be a lot worse if the whole fandom agreed that it was terrible. There is no failure quite like a universally acknowledged one.
3932692
I think this one's up to individual interpretation. The only mention battalion gets in the Comprehensive Rules is CR 207.2c, which explains the concept of an ability word and lists all existing ones. As far as I'm concerned, battalion cares about three attacking creatures and just happens to be on creatures that need to participate. I don't think either of us can be declared conclusively wrong here.
3933297
I hold by what I posited in Major Turbulence on Cloud Nine: Dash knows there are a lot of problems in the Wonderbolts, but she thinks the best way to solve those problems is to do so from within. Of course, she's not exactly doing a good job of that at the moment...