~~~~*100th blog!*~~~~ · 4:33pm Apr 17th, 2016
This is gonna be a long one and a special one (with good news at the bottom!)
As many of you have probably noticed, I am not straight. And I've increasingly, especially really recently, been a lot more open and honest about that online, that is. However that was not always the case, and it's taken me awhile to get to a place where I can even briefly mention it here, where I know my parents won't find out, without being downright terrified. IRL is a different story.
So if you've been wondering exactly what it's like to struggle with sexual identity and finding out who you're attracted to (if anyone at all), or if you've gone through something similar and want to compare, this blog is for you.
(summary at the end!)
DISCLAIMER: when i use the word "gay" i normally mean LGBT+, not a man who is attracted to other men
Okay so lets start from the very beginning of my heteronormative upbringing: my conservative Christian parents.
Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having religion! If you were to ask me, I'd say I'm a Christian, even though I don't have the strongest faith
But being as conservative and... close minded as my parents can have really negative consequences for the emotions of people who deviate from societal norms regarding sex, sexuality, and gender.
From very little I had "girls grow up to marry boys" drilled into my head. I had the verbal comments from adults around me, the physical evidence of every couple I ever saw ever, and the wistful dreams of marrying a prince that I became so fixated on in my Disney princess obsessed stage of life.
I had no idea that it was even possible for boys to like boys or girls to like girls until my parents would say "God designed man and woman to get married and for girls to like boys and for boys to like girls. There are some girls who like girls and some boys who like boys, but they're disobeying God and aren't Christian" (aka going to hell)
This practically TERRIFIED smol child me, even though i didn't realize yet that i do indeed like girls, I still was so scared of even thinking a girl was pretty because i believed that would make me go to hell.
Fast forward to sixth grade, where my classmates would mention gay people more and I would subconsciously pick up on subtle stereotypes: lesbians have shorter hair, gay guys talk more girly and wear tighter shirts, etc. i know that these arent all true. shut up. this is just what i knew the stereotypes to be
I hadnt even really heard of people I knew being supportive of same-sex marriage up until sixth grade, where my good friend from choir, Ian, who is Christian and has wonderful, supportive, loving, Christian parents, said how he doesnt really think it's evil that some people like the same gender
He later reiterated this fact less than a year later, in the start of my 7th grade year (i had just moved from california to georgia!). Rick Riordan's House of Hades came out, and so did Nico diAngelo. Previously he had been one of my favorite characters, so I was a bit alarmed that he was gay all along. Ian, whom i often discussed the Heroes of Olympus series with over email, talked to me a bit about Nico's sexuality, prompting me to think if sexuality was really a defining characteristic of like or dislike for a character.
Also in seventh grade I met a girl named Taylor. We were both new to our private Christian school, as she had lived a few counties away and I had lived in California. We instantly became friends, bonding over Harry Potter and My Little Pony. She was a lot more open in her support of most LGBTQA+ stuff than any of my previous friends, and much more than almost everyone at our generally conservative school, even back talking a bit to her parents in support of same-sex marriage. She actually ~eventually~ convinced me to ship Flutterdash sometime seventh grade year.
Also in 7th grade was when i started watching doctor who, which basically submerged me into the world of gay characters. Up until Captain Jack Harkness, I had no idea it was even possible to feel attraction to both guys AND girls.
Summer after seventh grade/ before 8th (summer 2014 i think?), when going back to California to visit my friends, I brought up gay related stuff to my best friend since 5th grade: Trinity. I had a feeling she was generally supportive, and that feeling wasn't wrong. She would talk about how much she shipped Dan and Phil, and how she wished a lot of people would be less grossed out by gay people. We would talk about the fictional characters we liked, and she later taught me "F*ck Marry Kill", where at first we would only choose from strapping young fictional men. We eventually started asking each other with only women as options. and by women i mean basically all the ~younger~ ladies from once upon a time + a few other fictional females. We both insisted that those were only our answers if we were ~hypothetically~ gay or guys.
At the start of 8th grade was when things got really fast paced when it came to dealing with my feelings of attraction. ew. feelings. Over the summer, Taylor had gotten her hair cut a bit shorter than Hazel Grace's from TFiOS, and she claimed it was because of hazel. hint: it was actually because shes lesbian and wanted to be more *flamboyant* with her hair . We had hung out A LOT over the summer, and we both became slowly more obsessed with Sherlock, the BBC show. We both shipped johnlock, and we referred to each other as john and sherlock. hahah "no homo". We became a lot closer as friends, and even affectionately as well. We'd hold hands, link arms, etc etc, even BEFORE we had come out to each other.
I was still in complete denial of liking girls, telling myself even if I DID like girls, no girls would like me back *laughs into void* thats so untrue now ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Then, everything changed when October 3rd attacked.
My 14th birthday party was Oct 2-Oct3 2014 (it was a sleepover, obvs) and sometime in the evening on the 2nd, both taylor and another friend of mine came out to me, Tay as a lesbian, my other friend claiming to be bi, but knowing she's unsure.
Smol, new gay me, couldnt really process that because i was basically in complete denial of it until that fact, INSISTING that it was just my imagination that i liked Taylor girls.
However, in a fit of nerves and adrenaline, i came out to taylor at 4AM Oct 3rd, less than 12 hours after she told me. I told Tay that i thought i was bi but i was unsure (i also liked a guy at my school at that time) but that I knew i liked Tay.
She awkwardly comforted me while i was a sobbing mess when trying to explain how TERRIFIED i was that my parents might find out
And then later that day (i think it was 1PM ish?) I called up Trinity and came out to her too
I gradually came out to more of my friends, as well as my newfound online friends.
For a lot of December/January-April, I spent HOURS of my free time online, talking about MLP and Marvel and Doctor Who and Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus, and most importantly, LGBTQA+ stuff
It was the most exposure I had gotten, and although some of my online interactions were a bit toxic, I truly believed it helped me to have that network of people like me.
However, at this same time, my parents would increasingly make more and more "casual" homophobic comments, and I grew increasingly more depressed and suicidal. (I was in therapy for my depression & anxiety for November, December, and January, but it wasn't helping and I would get panic attacks before appointments, so I stopped)
It was probably the worst time of my life. Not only was i suicidal, but so were two of my best friends: Trinity and Taylor. On top of that, Taylor had missed almost all of the school year for eating disorder rehab, and she didn't want people to know why she was out of school. I was asked multiple times a day where she was, and then when i refused, they would say that eventually give up and tell people. Also, A LOT of the people *cough cough* ryan greer *cough* @ my school were general assholes to me, so that just made lie more miserable.
AND I had to deal with my parents' not so subtle comments about how being gay is a sin and evil and gay people are hell-bound. I was so confused about where i stood with my faith and whether or not i would actually spend eternity in hell or not, that i actually believed it would be easier for both me and everyone around me if i actually killed myself.
I slowly dragged myself out of that metaphorical hell as the school year came to an end, resorting to watching MLP and (re)reading the Heroes of Olympus series (and also drawing lots of HOO and humanstuck fan art) for coping methods.
Summer at first was just weird.
I was forced to do summer swim team again, but this summer, i would get weekly panic attacks. it was AWFUL
(however i would binge watch anime whenever i got home)
I also did a theater camp, which was SUPER fun! i made more LGBT+ friends too
Then came my visit back to California.
I saw many of my old friends, and it was awesome!
And from California, my family and I took a trip to visit family friends in Montana, and I brought Trinity along
(note: i had slowly grown to crushing on her. hardcore)
we spent the entire week in montana together, chatting, kayaking, and just general cuddling and stuff
and then we ended up admitting that we had indeed liked each other, after days of both of us sublty hinting
the next few months, from the end of summer to the start of november, were absolutely amazing, in regards to trinity
we would text each other absolutely everything, call each other at least once a week, and would face time too, but we were still very much closeted.
however, halloween night, we were texting, and our conversations greatly hinted at our affections to each other.
i had made sure to delete my texts because my parents often check my phone, but because her mom rarely checks hers, she did not
and thats when everything went majorly downhill.
it was november 3rd 2015 when i got a panicked text from trinity right after my school let out.
"Call me. She knows."
She told me everything that had happened: her mom tried to check her phone, and because she wasnt thinking straight, Trinity snatched it from her. Her mom then asked why she didnt want her to see her phone, so in a state of panic, Trinity blurted out "im gay"
Trinity then told me how her mom ended up taking the phone back, and saw our conversation. T also said that her mom wanted to call me to talk about this, which i was absolutely terrified to do.
(background knowledge: Trinity's parents and my parents are close friends and were in the same bible study at our church together)
trinity told me that her mom wanted me to come out to my parents asap, so that way she(T's mom) could discuss with my mom what had been going on
trinity ALSO told me that her mom "strongly encouraged" the both of us to go into some kind of therapy to help us "find our true path"
so yeah
that was awful
and trinity and i got into a fight about that: her mom wanted us to do a bible study to help us "stay away from sin." trinity wanted to actually try out the bible study, at least to appease her mom. i, however, viewed that bible study as completely unnecessary and frankly ridiculous.
we kinda grew apart as friends even more after that...
flash forward to now:
trinity and i are sorta repairing our friendship
i am out to 5 other students at my high school of 27 students
my parents have kinda stopped bugging me about LBGT+ stuff (but they LOVE to make fun of my bernie sanders support)
there are at least two more LGBT+ people coming to my high school next year!!! Which is awesome!!!!!
and yeah.
TL;DR I first came out in 8th grade, and then i proceeded to have the worst year of my life because of a marvelous thing called depression. Also this november my friend and i were accidentally outed to her mom, which was awful. But now im alright. i guess.
Thanks to those who stuck around to read all this!
And if you have any other similar experiences, please feel free to tell me!
3876409 yeah
i mean
i still have a long way to go before i can come out to my parents
Wow, that's quite the story.
And everyone like us LGBTQ+, has a similar one. Often a worse one, especially in less developed countries. I'm talking looking at you Middle East.
Luckily my parents are the least intrusive parents ever.
I just said I don't want them to look on my phone and they're like "okay!".
Also luckily, despite the fact they're anti-gay conservative Christians, they don't believe in hell.
On the downside, I was homeschooled, so the very few IRL friends I have are from Church. Not a lot of sympathy there.
But enough about me. That's really a terrible story, *hugs* but I'm glad you're doing better.
I must say, I like how your fandoms like Percy Jackson, and My Little Pony helped you come out to yourself, really cool.
You know I'm always here if you need to talk, palo.
(PS: In case anyone wonders how I'm LGBTQ+ but still dating Scoots, I'm pansexual, not gay.)
At least you were able to like Tentacle Bullet said find some sort of light at the tunnel but i'll support you no matter what my friends matter to me nothing will ever change my opinion of my friends.
3876431 eyyyyy pansexuals are the bomb.com
and yeah going to a small private Christian school is kinda tough
3876610
Thanks, I think. 
Yeah, I can imagine.
Hopefully they at least give you a proper education? (I mean, minus probably sex ed and of course evolution - if you believe in it, that is.)
3876615 yeah that's a compliment lots of really cool friends o mine r pan
And yeah the school itself is great. But some of the teachers *cough cough* English teacher *cough* are vocally homophobic and that's really annoying
Because I'm really the only person who takes a stand for lgbt stuff
Which also means other kids at my school say I'm "heterophobic"
3876489 aww thanks
3876629
Thought so.
Ah, good.
3876630 No problem i'm happy to support my friends.
3876631 yeah
Fun
That's quite the story!
I'm so glad everything worked out though.
Also if you like mlp in middle school, that must an you are still in high school, because mlp hasn't been around that long. (Gen. 4 at least)
*harshly bashing own head into corner of door frame* Wow, the crap people do. I honestly feel sorry for you for the things you had to endure. I was exposed to the gay community early in life with out knowing it (ignorance is bliss that's all I can say about my life between the ages of 5 to 8), my uncle is what is generation called a swinger. Didn't matter who but if they were willing so was he (then a bit of crap happened during a procedure for his cancer happened so he stopped), every roommate he had when I was growing up was a guy, and every one of them was gay.
His last one before moving in with the rest of the family to save money was very flamboyant. You mentioned the stereotype about the feminine voice, and acting more womanly, ya he was the type that cause that stereotype to be true. Not kidding he was so flamboyant he made other homosexuals shout, "Calm down fag!"
When the truth of it all finally sank into my head my first, last, and only thought was, 'Huh... that answers the questions about Harvy.' Still had to ask about that guy though and why he was the way he was. Only answer I got was a simple, "Some people are wired that way, some people never learned to keep the fork out of the outlet, he could be both."
But it was fun hanging around him and getting to know and understand the community he was apart of.
3876752 yep I'm a freshman
3876902 really? So am I! That's so cool
3877767 eyyy twinzies
3877791 yuuus
Well, I'm glad everything worked out in the end.
3879728 i mean im still in the closet and just yesterday my dad "casually" mentioned how same sex attraction is "unnatural" and "disgusting" soooooo...
but thanks?
i guess???
3879768
Your welcome? but I guess I meant to say I'm glad everything is starting to get better? I think? Sorry.
3881411 nah it's fine