[Metacritic Monday] Metroid Prime · 11:44pm Mar 29th, 2016
What can I say? Honestly?
Hello everyone! My name is SuperKamek and welcome back to another episode of "Metacritic Monday", where I bitch and complain about people who bitch and complain. Well, it wasn't yesterday, but at the very least our schedule is back on track. And what better way to celebrate Metacritic Monday with a post... on Tuesday. Hey, what did you honestly expect from me? I'll post this show on every single day EXCEPT Monday, for some weird, unknown reason. Well, whatever!
Please, please, PLEASE take note that I will not be ripping apart reviews that are actually legit. If someone dislikes a game for a reason, I'm all okay with that. What I'm NOT okay with is false information, like those stupid "0/10" reviews you find sometimes. Also take note that this is for entertainment and comedy purposes only, so I will be exaggerating a few points I make. So, without further ado, let's delve into Metacritic Monday!
Metroid Prime... What can I say about this game other than: Holy shit, this is one of the greatest video games I have ever been graced with the honor of playing. I'm sorry, you guys, but it's just that good. If you haven't played it, I highly recommend it to hell and back. Well, if you like the gameplay aspect of the game, of course. And if you're okay with the vague story... and isolation... and the fucking rock monsters.
Apparently this guy was "VURRY UPSEET" with the game, so let's take look at what he had to say. So get your power suits, missiles, grappling hooks and whatever the hell else can be jammed into the Metroid franchise, because we're once again delving into the world of shit!
Any objections, lady?
This one's a long one, so sit tight!
I didn't like the scanning in Prime, even though you didn't have to do it, I don't like the idea that in order to get 100% you have to scan every stupid thing in the game. The enemy AI was extremely **** They missed like crazy, and generally as long as you continued moving they won't hit you. And if they DO manage to hit you, oh well, they still have to hit you about 400 more times to kill you. The game was just way too easy. The controls were absurd compared to other FPS games of the time. The exploration wasn't real. They would set up a few little platforms and maybe a grappling point, and all you need to do is traverse the room. Terms like "exploration" and "puzzles" imply that you need to look around and figure out what to do for yourself. Instantly seeing what you need to do and simply carrying it out is not exploration. The game made me feel like a rat in a maze, rather than a person exploring an unknown land. I also hated the way they started you out with all this great equipment and then they take it away from you. It gives the player nothing to look forward to. You've already experienced items like the charge beam and morph ball, so obtaining them once again isn't really satisfying. It feels more like a job.
Well shit...
I didn't like the scanning in Prime,
Um... Okay?
even though you didn't have to do it,
But you just said that-
Whatever... Already I don't like where this is going. 
I don't like the idea that in order to get 100% you have to scan every stupid thing in the game.
The enemy AI was extremely ****
What, we talking about the Space Pirates or the actual animals? Because, as far as I'm aware, they're both really good!
They missed like crazy
I'd make a joke about this had it not been for this next line coming up...
and generally as long as you continued moving they won't hit you.
Yeah... Yeah, that's uh... That's kinda the point. 
And if they DO manage to hit you, oh well, they still have to hit you about 400 more times to kill you.
This man only recently discovered something called: "The Health Bar".
The game was just way too easy.
Meanwhile, in hard mode:
The controls were absurd compared to other FPS games of the time.
Well gee, I wonder why! Could it be because it was on THE FUCKING GAMECUBE?!?!
The exploration wasn't real.
I can either make a joke about how it's a video game and of course it isn't real, or I can make a joke about his previous statement when he mentioned 100% completion and how now I know why he complained about it.
Take your pick.
They would set up a few little platforms and maybe a grappling point,
To anyone who actually PLAYED the fucking game, you'd know that this statement was absolute...
and all you need to do is traverse the room.
Yes. 
That is exactly what exploration is.
You fucking idiot. 
Terms like "exploration" and "puzzles" imply that you need to look around and figure out what to do for yourself.
...this guy is faking, right? I mean, he can't actually be for real, right? There is absolutely no way you can be both this stupid and this blind to something. If you actually DID play the game (which I highly doubt you did), you would know that each puzzle throughout the game actually requires actual thought into solving them, e.i. Looking around, trying different things, scanning, and researching the area.
Or in other terms...
EXPLORING.
Instantly seeing what you need to do and simply carrying it out is not exploration.
Tell me, people who have played the game...
Did you "instantly" find the entrance to the Chozo Ruins' boss room when you first entered the area? Did you "instantly" know how to solve the Impact Crater mystery. Did you "instantly" know where all the artifacts were without looking it up? Oh, and did you "instantly" know your way around the sprawling maze that is the Phazon Mines?
I didn't think so. Thank you.
The game made me feel like a rat in a maze,
(At least these rats got training montage music... 
)
rather than a person exploring an unknown land.
Which is the actual game, BTW.
Seriously, another reason to get the game? The environments look absolutely stunning. Every single area should be thoroughly explored and examined just to take it all in.
I also hated the way they started you out with all this great equipment and then they take it away from you.
I will actually agree that having some of your abilities taken away at the beginning of the game is a bit of a letdown, but would you honestly, and I seriously mean this, rather have this?
It gives the player nothing to look forward to.
Except, y'know...
- Ice Beam
- Plasma Beam
- Gravity Suit
- Phazon Suit
- Missile Power-ups
- The joy of finally getting back your original equipment
Did you even get past the Tallon Overworld or did you rage quit like a baby because a fucking Zoomer rubbed your leg?
You've already experienced items like the charge beam and morph ball,
so obtaining them once again isn't really satisfying.
It's only extremely satisfying because you finally have your ability back, you moron!
It feels more like a job.
Well, if it's anything like your "reviewing" job, then I want out! Thankfully, it's not.
And that concludes today's Metacritic Monday! Did you enjoy the show? If so, leave a comment down below! Also, what are your thoughts on Metroid Prime? Like it? Hate it? Really you choice, I won't blame you if you hate it. Metroid Prime is only a really good experience if you're alright with a platformer-turned-FPS. Otherwise, you might turn into this guy.
...please don't, I love you all. 
....This person's logic
3835552
...wow. I could not have said that better.
I am going to kill this guy. He walks up in here. Insults MY FIRST REAL FUN GAME and thinks I WOULDN'T BE MAD?!
3835599
I wish I had a movie reference for that, but I don't have one, so...
Here, have cute bats.
I do agree with you; this guy is a dick.
Eh, that guy's a whiney bitch. I wish Nintendo would make more Metroid games like it.
These are fun to read
Well my friend two things.
One. Thank you for making fun of someone who insulted Metroid Prime.
Two. Because of this you reminded me I need to get back to being Face fucked by Metroid Prime on hard mode so I can feel complete then I have to get back to getting face fucked by Emperor Ing. *Grabs Gamecube controller* FOR THE CHOZO
3835701
Believe me, they're trying.
3835709
Thanks! I'm so glad you always enjoy them!
3835908
1. You're most welcome.
2. It's just a cycle of getting face-fucked, isn't it?
3836045
Oh and Dark Samus/Metroid Prime comes back for the Emperor's Sloppy seconds
3835552 To be fair, a game sucking because it's insanely, fun-obliteratingly hard is legit in my eyes.
3836198
True enough I suppose, though I consider there to be two different kinds of hard
1) unfairly hard
2) legitimate difficulty
i get why some find the souls series leans towards the former, (especially DS2, where the devs had the brilliant idea to take away health with each death.) but me personally? I find that kind of challenge...satisfying in a way.
The bosses in Bloodborne move insanely fast, and the level design can be super crowded with various jump scares. But, there's that ultimate feeling of satisfaction when a player FINALLY beats that level/boss fight...it just puts a huge grin on my face everytime.
Still, I do get the Souls series isn't everyones cup of tea. We all have pur own likes and dislikes, our own tolerance levels, etc. But I totally get it on Souls, I do admit I could have made my point a little better.