Mar
10th
2016
Careful Consideration · 6:57pm Mar 10th, 2016
I have a bad feeling about a story, and the last time I did, you all convinced me that it needed to be taken back to the drawing board. Well, once again, I'm asking for your input. Bear in mind that this one is rather darker than my usual. We're talking "cusp of Teen and Mature" dark. Just the title should be a tipoff. It's also based on a prompt, so I don't have as much wiggle room as I might. It's also still pretty unpolished; I don't want to finalize it in a low-quality configuration.
It's not even two thousand words. A quick once-over would be greatly appreciated. You can find it here. Comments are enabled. Thanks.
EDIT: Thanks, everyone. This is going to need quite a bit of rejiggering, but I should be able to make it work.
Have read, and deposited thoughts on the document.
I don't think that you will need to reconsider vast portions of the story or endanger fitting within the prompt to bring the story up to sufficient quality.
*dons the beta reader hardhat*
Time to give this a read, then!
Given the prompt, I think I might have to pass. Any of the girls in that situation will mostly push me away, but I have a particular aversion to Pinkie Pie.
How exactly is this "secretly" getting away with moidah?
3801751
Uh... It's a secret if no one knows it?
Yeah, still debating how objectionable/believable it would be for Celestia to try to brush this one under the rug. Though if she can cover up a freaking medal ceremony in her own castle for vanquishing Discord, a little matter like an entire empire singing a pony's praises shouldn't be too hard.
I like it.
I think this would make a good story.
Just read the first scene (don't want to spoil myself too much), and while it took a minute to get, I like what I see. :)
3801805 My objection is threefold:
First off, attacking an enemy combatant during wartime isn't murder.
Second is the point you brought up that there is literally no way this is secret.
Third, although it's horrifying, the collateral damage/innocents dying to backlash isn't murder; it's a tragedy, to be sure, but if you didn't mean to do it, that's manslaughter. Pony-slaughter?
I really do like this fic. I just think it doesn't fit the prompt.
3802093
Yeah. The idea was conceived before I noticed that pesky "secretly" in the prompt. I may end up just polishing this one further and publishing it without submitting it to FTP 10.
3802093
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Some definitions of murder would (if you're okay with a stretch) potentially allow you to argue that how she did the killing would be both the secret part and the murder.
In the end, they would just know what the result is. They don't have to know how she felt and what she did.
It doesn't sound like it fits the prompt very well.
As for the story itself, it's an interesting concept and already 90% of the way to being well-written. However, it cuts off very abruptly. It doesn't just lack an ending; the last scene looks like the segway into another scene which doesn't exist. It would be closer to being a complete story if you deleted the last scene. (Though it mostly feels like it needs more, not less).
My main reaction was: I feel like I've read this before. A lot.
It feels like a generic "good pony is forced to kill and is horrified by it" scene. It doesn't bring anything novel to it, at least not for me.
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Thanks, everyone. I know what I need to do to make this story work to its utmost. That's going to take a bit of time, especially since there's a Writeoff starting in a matter of hours, but I think the end result will be a lot better than what you've seen.