Taking Care of Each Other · 3:13am Mar 10th, 2016
If you've heard me talk about my favorite parts of the show, you've probably heard me mention the Wonderbolts. A lot of it has to do with the team dynamic. They're like nothing else we've seen on the show, a group of professionals that has to function as a large unit regardless of their feelings and in spite of the unique challenges that come with being in a competitive organization. At the end of the day, though, they really do feel like a team, a family, and I think it's worth thinking about how we can support each other for a few minutes.
If you've read the latest chapter of Sensation (new one coming in the next couple weeks, Luna willing), you know a little bit about where I'm going with this. If not, I hope you give it a read sometime.
None of us are an island. None of us can truly fly solo. It's not that we all need the same kind of love and friendship – suggesting as such would be to disregard all the different ways we can express those feelings – but every one of us needs someone else sometimes. I really like how the movie "Inside Out" described the way that feelings work, but for the uninitiated, we feel sad so that others (and ourselves) know that we need help. And it's true. There's nothing wrong with feeling "negative" emotions, but it's hard to know how to react to them sometimes, and it happens a lot more than a lot of us would like to admit.
See, there's a thing that happens around this time of year, something I first noticed when I was an RA (resident adviser) in college, and the pattern has persisted every year since. Around February and March, a lot of people – a lot – collectively have a Very Bad Week, and they tend to react to it in one of two ways: some lose their minds and get aggressive/angry, and others fall into a reclusive depression. There are, of course, many ways to react to bad situations, but the majority of people I know fall into one of these two groups. A lot of it has been going on around me lately (I've had at least three friends have breakdowns in the last couple days), and all of us, being good people, instinctively try to help. But here's the thing:
Taking care of each other is very, very hard.
There's two big reasons for this that I want to talk about. First is you. Yes, you. Emotions are complicated, and we often underestimate how much of an effect we have on each other. People are like sponges: we absorb whatever we surround ourselves with, and if we're constantly surrounded by sad friends, it affects us, too, and we start to feel down as well. It's pretty unavoidable, and we need to recognize when we're burning out, because once we've reached the point of not giving a fuck about anything, we can't help anyone at all.
...especially not if we go in with expectations. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this happen:
Person one feels sad/upset
Person two tries to cheer up their friend, person one
Person one doesn't feel better
Person two gets angry or visibly exasperated at person one for not feeling better
I've done it, too, of course. We want to think of ourselves as good friends. We need to believe that other people can feel better easily, because if they can't, it calls into question our own ability to recover from things that make us sad. There's a lot of psychology tied into this, so if you need a starting point, look into "cognitive dissonance." Basically, our entire worldview is challenged when presented with something that seems fundamentally wrong, and our brains freaking hate that.
And that brings me to the second big hurdle I want to talk about: dependence. It's incredibly easy to say, "I'm always here for you if you need something," and it's almost impossible to live up to that standard. When you don't, it can be utterly devastating, especially if the person has grown to rely on you. Maybe you've been there: you were a shoulder for someone to cry on, but then you started to burn out, and maybe you snapped at them or you told them they should just stop complaining or you just slowly drifted away by not answering their messages and ignoring them. That last one is the worst.
Make no mistake: the easiest way to destroy an emotionally vulnerable person is to become their friend and then slowly leave them. Think carefully before you commit.
Can you still try to be a nice person? Absolutely. However, please don't just rush into something, since you could end up hurting whoever you're trying to help. The best advice I have is to set boundaries: be clear about the kind of friend you can be to someone. It can seem cold to tell someone, "I can't be your sole source of support" or "I'm willing to chat sometimes, but real life comes first," but more often than not, these are the truth, and you don't do anyone any favors by lying about being a bastion of patience and stability, especially when it's online and you've never met the person.
Some other things you can tell someone to help set boundaries:
"I'm happy to talk more, but please understand when I say that I can't always be available."
"I've liked talking to you so far, but I'd like to keep this friendship online."
"A lot of the stuff you've told me makes me uncomfortable, and I think you need more help than I can give you."
"Here are some resources I think you can use."
I believe everyone is worth talking to, at least to give them a chance. However, the hard truth is that we can't be everything to everyone. We'd eventually stretch ourselves too thin, and in the end, we can't help someone if they aren't willing to make an effort to help themselves.
The following is a very uncomfortable but insightful comic, one that I've thought a lot about recently:
It hurts me every time I read it, but I think it's important to keep in mind.
I don't want this to be completely gloomy, though. As Aesop wrote, "No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted." The fact is that taking a few minutes to check in on someone can make a huge difference. Being a force for good doesn't have to be a Herculean effort. It can be as simple as commenting on someone's page when they seem sad or giving someone a cookie when you think they need it.
Just keep in mind that kindness is a skill, not an inherent ability of humanity, and it takes practice to learn how to navigate the complexity that is the human mind. Be cognizant of the other person when you offer to help, and realize that you might not be what they need.
Remember, though, to be gentle with yourself, and as Ellen says, be kind to one another.
Have a good night, guys.
Vivid
Well said, my friend.
-Ru
I can't tell you how many times I've done this. I've had friends who were afraid to talk about their problems to anyone else but somehow felt comfortable telling me. I don't feel like I can give very good advice on the spot,I'm not so good with words so I just listen to their problems and just be someone they can talk to. I like to think that even though I can't do anything to help their situation it's still something just to be able to listen and be someone they can vent their feelings to. I have however made the mistake of thinking I can make a person feel better when they're stuck in a very unfortunate situation by just giving them advice. And I've been told by them that I was just spouting information they've heard many times before and that I suck at helping and giving advice which is kind of true? And it discouraged me from actively taking a role since I'm always afraid I might just make them feel worse somehow.
3800887
Thanks, buddy.
3801728
You're certainly right about listening – it can do a world of good to just show someone that you care and that you're willing to let them just vent. It sounds like you've got some experience with how it can go wrong, too, but I wouldn't sweat it too much if things didn't go as you planned. Like I said, it's a skill, and it takes practice. From the sounds of it, you're on the right track, and you're aware of where you can still grow.
3802168 You're welcome!
-Ru
3801728 I've discovered three things that can help the majority of people:
1. Listening. Sometimes people just need somebody to hear them out, or have a friend they can vent their frustrations to or with.
2. Hugs. I wouldn't try this with people averse to physical contact, but when has an honest-to-goodness, genuine hug from one friend to another been received poorly?
3. Offering a cookie or readily available treat. I know, it's not much. However, food has a tendency to improve an individual's mood. Who hasn't felt better after a good meal or a tasty snack?
The simplest way to help someone is to do a simple thing. Most of the time there is no best way.
-Ru
Post like this tend to be rather difficult to read through. They provide a truth and insight that can at times be quite confrontational. There are a lot of aspects to friendships that are easy to overlook and the impact one can have on another's life can be underestimated. We all need friendships for different reasons, and it is often easy to overlook that those needs may not align in a way you expect. As you've written however, it is good to be aware of what both want out of a friendship, or what a friend or person may need in terms of help, and to what extend you're really capable of providing in it, or willing to commit to.
Somehow I find myself reminded of Xenith’s believes from FOE, in that saving a life also means being responsible for it. Of course the severity of relationships such as friendships or the act of helping generally isn’t on the same level. But in a way there is a responsibility involved that is oftentimes not considered or ignored altogether. Loathe as I am to admit it, I know I might at times take things for granted and not realize what influence certain actions may actually have on someone else.
I know I myself have a tendency of going into isolationist mode, sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks. It may be a form of escapism or a feeling of having to complete something, or risk disappointment, not necessarily from myself in myself, but an expected disappointment from others. This in turn leads me to neglect my friendships, both online and offline. It sounds an awful lot like your reclusive depression, even if I may not always experience it like that myself.
I, like most, want to be a good friend. I specifically want to think of myself as trying to be loyal, or kind and helpful. Reading this post however makes me realize but all too well how much I'm not at times.
I've found myself in the position of slowly drifting away online, not necessarily intentionally, or with the intention of ignoring messages, but have allowed it to happen anyway. Trying to help people and finding myself getting impatient over the friend not being responsive to anything I try, I'm also no stranger to, though generally I try to show as little of my actual expectations or feelings in such situations, to what level of success I cannot judge myself.
Recognizing sadness in the online sphere, or offline can be difficult. I may notice strange or unusual behavior but don’t always make the correct connection to the associated causes or emotions. Something like that isn’t easy to learn or master, especially when mostly alone or in more business like mode when interacting with coworkers, but reading about cognitive dissonance sounds like a good start.
Writing like this sheds some light on aspects of friendships and the different expectations or needs we have from friendships or offered help. Like many things, in order to improve anything one has to first be aware of the intricacies of what to work on. Though I do not see myself setting up rules or restrictions on any future friendships, I may just try to be more open about expectations or limitations of my own in what I could offer to friends. After all I can listen, but have little to offer in terms of insight, wisdom or advice.
In other note, I don't know who the artist to the picture is, but I can say that I happen to have bought it printed on a pillow at HWcon, which is now cheerfully decorating my bedroom.
3803413
You've certainly put a lot of thought into all this, and that's all I could ask for. I agree - it's easy to slip into bad habits sometimes, and when we are aware of what can happen, we are better able to recognize it and at least keep things from getting to much worse. For what it's worth, I don't feel like you're slipping away (though maybe that's a function of us just taking so long to respond to messages - sorry about that on my end ^^' ), and I hope that whatever is going on with your other friend turns out alright.
Do you happen to know who you bought the pillow from? I'd be interested in contacting them about the artist.
3806679 I do apologize for the size of my replies. I have a tendency of letting myself go when it comes to writing, and often make an attempt to touch upon as many points as discussed as possible. It doesn't help that it at times takes me hours to get a more or less comprehensible story down.
Regardless I'm mostly keeping this reply short due to time constraints. The shop I've bought the pillow from is one I'm familiar with, and where I've ordered most of my plushies to date. Whether they'd be able to provide you with the name of the artist however I'm not sure. I have done a quick google image search on the picture however and, after sifting through numerous youtube movies, pinterests pages and fimfiction covers, I think I may have found the source.
It appears to be called 'After Practise' by NabbieKitty.