Critique Review: Eternal Blaze: Of Sun and Shadows · 8:24pm Mar 9th, 2016
You know what, I fucking give up…
I give up like Alexstrazsa must have given up writing. I give up just like the guy who only wanted to make one Ice Age movie, and they’re getting milked for sequels so desperately for any kind of return. I give up like the writers of Gods of Egypt must have given up after trying for a whole five minutes to make the story interesting, and I’ll tell you right fucking now, I spent more time thinking about how to improve the story then they did!
But I’m not here to talk about that. What I’m here to talk about is the latest in a seemingly endless mass of fanfiction trash that always seems to populate my library. I’m starting to wonder if Celestia sends all the books she doesn’t like here and somewhere out there is a library with only quality stories that I would give half my limbs for. Don’t any of you get any ideas now!
Anyway, Eternal Blaze: of Sun and Shadows by Captain Insano. However, despite being an Insano, has no actual relation to Doctor Insano or Linksano. Probably because they read this piece of shit and were embarrassed.
First thing I want to look at is the title. Why is there a colon there? You only use those to connect incomplete thoughts together. The name might be acceptable (Not an expert here), but it really bothers me the ‘Of Sun and Shadows thing’. Surely, there is something missing there. Like ‘Prince’ or ‘Son’ or ‘Sin-Spawn’. Yes, that last one I think. Here’s my review of Sin-Spawn the son of Suns and Shadows.
Our story begins with…
AGAIN!!! A voice screamed, causing Eternal Blaze to writhe in his sleep. The voice screamed at him repeatedly and he started to weep.
Yes, it is one of those mary sue type, self-insert ‘oh, look at my amazing character and love him, you sheep!’ kind of fic. AGAIN!!!
It turns out that Eternal Blaze is in a dream where he is fighting off a guy twice his size. Which already has no tension in the scene because we already know he’s in a dream and it isn’t real. And nothing has be established that this is a vision of the future or anything, so I already don’t care with it being the first fucking paragraph.
He found himself in the same situation he had been in before, fighting a prisoner-of-war to the death in an arena. His opponent was an Earth Pony easily a full two sizes larger than him, armed with a battleaxe. Blaze was equipped with a simple shortsword... putting him at the disadvantage.
Ha, shows what you know! Swords beat axes! Worst Fire Emblem fic ever!
He wakes up with Celestia… standing over him while he’s sleeping?
Jesus, bitch, ever heard of fucking personal space?!
So much had change since he had returned from his self-banishment to Tartarus, the culture, the industry, and life itself (the only one whom he could actually relate to was his aunt, Princess Luna, but even then it turned into a brawl). Ironically, he opened a portal that placed him in the castles main hall
Okay, one, why would there be a brawl if he could relate to Luna? Do they not get along? Is Luna secretly jealous that Celestia got some? Do they like playing Super Smash Brothers or something?!
Second, ‘ironically opened a portal’?! How do you fucking ironically open a fucking portal?! Please, explain that to me so I know! Because in the context of this story, there is nothing fucking ironic about it! Was he just not expecting to create a portal to the castle main hall or something you would think would be fucking obvious that it is not something that would happen?! What kind of thought process brought you to think this as ‘ironic’?!
Turns out that Spitfire is actually the love of his life, because she… um… wrote a letter to him that one time?
Spitfire and Rainbow Dash appear outside his door and talk about how wonderful he-
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Eclipse found himself back in the arena, his hooves caked with blood. Beneath him was the stallion from earlier, only he was now missing his lower jaw and his ribcage had been ripped open, with his internal organs strewn about the ground. The worst part about it, Blaze was laughing.
Well, that was fun to talk about Rainbow Dash and Spitfire for a while. Let’s see what’s going on in Tartarus.
Actually, this is PTSD for the character. Well, that mystery was solved rather quickly. Thank god! I almost gave a fuck there!
As the group head to breakfast, they are approached by Sombra, who I guess is a good guy now?
Sombra had somehow managed to reform a third time and was given a second chance by Celestia, knowing the fallen king's knowledge would be useful. As Sombra adapted to his new lifestyle... and eventually made amends with Celestia. When Blaze entered Equestria, he was the first to defend him.
You heard it here, kids. If the author doesn’t give a fuck about his story, why the hell should I? Seriously, you just bring Sombra out of fucking nowhere and expect us to just accept that he’s a good guy?! I seem to remember them taking the time to have an entire fucking episode to establish Discord as a good guy! Imagine if during season 4 they were like.
Discord is going to help you track down Tirek.
Wait, when the hell did we establish Discord as a good guy?
Oh, it happened off screen while you were the Power Ponies. Best episode ever! We had guest appearances from Robert Downey Jr., Jim Cummings, Grey Delisle got to play Derpy again, and even Dr. Wolf made an appearance in an hour long movie special that was even better than Zootopia!
Aw… How come I’m always part of the shitty episodes?!
So, Blaze heads down and meets up with the best friend he’s ever had. A character named Sandstorm.
Blaze turned and saw Sandstorm, one of the first ponies he befriended, trotting towards him, adorned with the robes of a Sultan.
"YOU'RE A SULTAN?!?" Blaze asked as he teleported over.
Sandstorm nodded and slammed his forehead into Blaze's with a loud "CRACK!", the usual greeting between the two stallions.
I guess, because he’s cosplaying as a sultan that automatically makes him one. … Hmm… Must remember to try and dress as a princess…
Also, why do I see this image in my head?
Anyway, they get to breakfast where Blaze states that he has a Sonic Rainboom that isn’t called a Sonic Rainboom. Because of course he fucking does. Every OC has a Sonic Rainboom! Fuck, even I have a Sonic Rainboom! It’s powered by Taco Bell and I can only perform it in front of my toilet!
It is true.
So, yes, because Rainbow Dash has to be shown up by an OC with no concept of character development, they have a race to see who’s Sonic Rainboom is better. And, brace yourselves, I’m going to tell you something you’ve never heard of before, the OC’s Sonic Rainboom is superior in every way.
Whoa, stop this fucking rollercoaster! I’ve only been on the same one 85 billion times! Unless you mix it up, story! I’m not going to give a shit because it’s going through the same goddamn motions as other stories I’ve review! And I’m not going to lie, it’s fucking boring! It’s fucking boring to read the exact same story every fucking week!
And I feel sorry for the audience. Not the audience of the story, thought I could see why I would, but for the people who read these reviews. They get the same crap thrown at them every week, with me desperately trying to mix things up in order to be entertaining.
But enough of the meta, let’s get back to the review.
Anyway, after the race, they have a flashback about his time in a Griffin camp where he kills a griffin to survive. This comes out of nowhere and has so little relevance to what is going, that I might as well be reading a completely different story entirely.
To be honest, the PTSD thing could work. I’m not against it as far as the story is concerned. I’m not an expert on PTSD and I’m not sure what triggers them, but it would be far more connected as far as narrative is concerned if the events in the story triggered what memories he sees. Smells, sounds, events, characters, fucking anything!
Again, maybe this is an accurate interpretation of what PTSD is like, but it flows about as well as a river of bricks.
Anyway, I guess his flashback causes him to faint and he falls to the streets of Canterlot in a bloody mess.
Yay!
Sombra was talking with the young Sultan about possible mares to marry when Rainbow Dash landed, sobbing.
"H-He's not b-breathing!" She screamed, fear filling every word.
There was a dreadful silence as everypony looked upon what she was carrying... the broken, limp form of Eternal Blaze.
Even more yay!
Sombra decided that panicking wasn't the course of action and started barking orders.
"Celestia, slow down the bleeding. Wonderbolts, get him to his bed. Sandstorm, fetch an E.R. Unit. Luna, get Cadence."
He had already failed his son once... he would sooner be damned than to fail him again.
Boo! No wonder you’re the worst villain in the series!
Anyway, we get a flashback, not the PTSD kind, thought how you would know is fucking beyond me and we see that Sombra trained his son to be a killer. I guess, Sombra just had custody of him that weekend or something because if I was Celestia I sure wouldn’t let that fucking murdering tyrant near my child. Those must have been some awkward exchanges.
Sombra: It’s Saturday, it’s my weekend to spend with the kid.
Celestia: Yes, yes. I know. By the way, how’s the enslaving all of the Crystal Empire going?
Sombra: Fair enough, I suppose. You know how those uprisings can be?
Celestia: Yes. Just watch out for 14 year olds with a webcam and delusions of grandeur.
"Y-You... made me... kill him." Blaze growled. "His name was Ironside, a father of four fillies, husband of Tempest... he did no crime... he didn't even SPEAK... yet you had me kill him to... turn into you?"
Sombra was taken aback by the venom, the anguish, the HATRED... what was his son?
Okay, seriously, Sombra is scared of his son because he’s a killer? Which is exactly what he was trying to turn him into? … Sombra really is the worst villain in the series!
No. Not even cute Sombra is cool.
The group manages to save Blaze, more's the pity, and the Sultan demands to know about Blaze’s past. Because this will somehow help.
So, Sombra decides to go over it. Celestia gives birth to a stallion alicorn, I would call bullshit but season 6 basically pushes aside the theory that alicorns are born from the sky’s vagina. Thanks, Lauren Faust, now all my jokes revolving around that are fucking useless!
Five years later, they make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches… Which I guess is really fucking important to know. I guess Blaze has a phobia for peanuts. When Sombra starts to feel the evil taking him. Why? How? How the fuck should I know? This story is so badly paced that events just happen spontaneously!
Sombra needs to be evil? BAM! He’s evil! Sombra needs to be good? BAM! He’s good! Blaze needs to die so that everyone can appreciate him? BANG! I shot him in the head!
So, after Sombra fucks with Blaze’s mind, he goes back to Celestia where he can learn good magic to kill ponies instead of bad magic. See, it’s okay because it’s good magic that’s killing ponies.
When… uh… this scene… happens?
Blaze smirked slightly and looked to his aunt's cutie mark, and focused on it. There was a yelp and Luna took off, rubbing her cutie mark delicately as Blaze rolled on the floor laughing. Luna's cheeks flushed red and she retaliated, Blaze curling into a ball as intense cold washed over him.
RETALIATE!!! A voiced screeched inside Blaze's head, causing a pain similar to a dragon's grip.
Blaze rose and aimed at his aunt, watching as her expression changed back to her usual .
HOW DARE SHE RETALIATE TO A HARMLESS PRANK?!? He screamed internally, his horn lighting brighter than it's usual glow. HOW DARE SHE-
Yeah, I have no fucking clue what just happened here. Blaze learns a fire spell, burns Luna’s ass, and she retaliates. And this retaliation sets Blaze off? It doesn’t say what Luna did to retaliate. It doesn’t give us any kind of clue as to why Blaze suddenly fucking lost it, other than he’s a fucking psychopath! Maybe Luna called him a meany face and Blaze took offense to that.
Anyway, he nearly kills Luna during his madness and Sombra asks the Doctor what’s wrong with him, in his second worst pointless cameo in all of My Little Pony history. The worst still has to be Soren the Alicorn.
The Doctor explains that each of the gods of Equestria have their own role to fill and how each of them can combine to create Captain Planet or something stupid like that. And when Celestia and Sombra got together they created a paradox of light and darkness within Blaze that made him both the ultimate hero and the ultimate monster at the same time.
And it’s at this point that I’ve lost complete interest in the character. These demonic possession stories or multiple personality stories where the hero is also the villain in this sense always pisses me the fuck off.
Why?
Because it thinks it makes the character interesting when it doesn’t. It’s not interesting for him to have a demon inside him that’s pure evil while he’s pure good. Why can’t he just have a difficult time telling the two apart? He tries to do good, but ultimately fails because he doesn’t understand what the difference is. Or where the line is. That’s more interesting because he still has a personality and has a flaw. A hero that tries to be both good and evil is a hero who’s personality is nothing.
"Because Magic is like Time." The Doctor said making a spherical motion with his hooves. "It's similar to the big ball of timey-wimey, wibbly-wobbly 'stuff'... only it's a big ball of Hasbro-pony, Friendship-is-Magicky 'stuff'... in a sense."
And this story is a big ball of bullshity, author contrivances, favoritismy, Mary-suey stuff! See? I can make Doctor Who references too!
We then cut back to present day where the Doctor arrives to help Blaze. Which is skipped over because it’s a week later and Blaze wakes up. I’m not entriely sure what the point of this story was, but halleigh-fucking-lula! This story is over!
There’s some sequel begging at the end of the story where Blaze loses it and kills Celestia and Sombra, and then wakes up as it turns out it's just a dream but frankly, I couldn’t less of a shit!
You’re probably thinking that I’m jumping to conclusions that I should give the trilogy a chance to impress you. Well, here’s the thing. This was the story’s chance to impress me and it couldn’t even muster up the effort to do that.
All this story ends up being is an introductory chapter to a character who couldn’t be less interesting if he was written by George Lucas. There’s nothing about this character that I haven’t seen a million times in the past.
He’s every Mary-Sue, cliche, OC, alicorn bullshit I’ve seen. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this ended up being a checklist rather than a character.
Alicorn? Check.
Super Powers that no one else has? Check.
Traumatic past? Check.
Possessed by a demon so that when he does something bad it isn’t his fault, less he actually be interesting? Check, check and more check.
There’s nothing fun about this story! The descriptions are weak as fuck. It’s rush so badly that half the time, I’m not sure what the fuck is going on. The plot is lazily written, not that there’s much of a plot to begin with. It’s just… Here’s my OC! Love him, you bastards!
No, story! I don’t love him! In fact, I can’t even muster up the effort to hate him. Hating him would require me to put some effort or investment into him and I refuse to put in more effort into him than you did. So as far as I’m concerned, I didn’t read this story and I will deny it for the rest of my life.
Have a good day guys.
On my way scrolling down here, I noticed that the entire review after the Celestia photo is in a quote. Might want to get that fixed.
But enough about that, on with the review!
You know what my first reaction to the trailer of that movie was? "I can do better... I've probably done better."
... *Sheepishly puts away chainsaw*
That why my dream sequences usually have bad guys telling the good guys that they are failures.
Well, if it's just a normal axe you might be able to tank the blows if you have a good armor save. If it's a power axe that works for you too, because he'll be hitting at Initiative 1... and I just realized this isn't a Warhammer 40K story, so all my knowledge is useless.
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Ah, there's your problem: that should be instead of [/quoted]
When did this happen?
Hmmm, now where have I seen that before?...
Ah yes, Queen Annalese rears its ugly head once more.
... How'd they solve the icing problem?
I made her set him on fire... he ended up liking it...
And he has so much potential... I made him cool...
...
...
...
Even Caboose would find that stupid.
Wait, does that mean Ted Turner is God?
Time is not made out of magic!... It is made out of circles. That's why clocks are round.
Again, yet another good review of a bad story. Look forward to more.
*looks at my library* So that explains it. That explains my record for good fics.
Wait, what?
Pumpkin, what?
...This fic is getting stupider.
And you do a wonderful job of it.
could you do me a favor and never read my fic when and if I ever get it put up.
There's actually a whole trilogy, and unlike most Avatar stories it was actually completed.
3802768 I've read that. And it's done rather well, though the fic isn't exactly my cup of tea.
The Secret of Queen Annalese, however, did everything wrong, with handwaving Azula's shift to good being only one of its problems. Too many characters with too little development, a lame villain, more telling than showing, a lack of urgency, many characters having the competence sucked out of them, and one of the worst Mary Sues I've encountered outside of a Mykan fic. If the author took some time with the story, I might have enjoyed it, but they didn't.
Enough ranting from me
I honestly got nothing.
Yes! Finally a story with Spawn in it.
He is so twistedly evil, and good at the same time. Like some good guy, with some inner evil in him, that makes him kill near all the time. Despite how good he is.
comicmultiverse.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/spawn-1.png
What a guy! And so many OCs aspire to be as yen-yang fucked up as he is.
But few can pull it off as well as he does.
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Wait, what is he doing here?
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OK, I guess there is some sort of rivalry going on here.
Now who do I cheer for?
Now where have I seen something like that before? A story starting with a bad dream. There are many actually. You have pointed out a few, within some past reviews. So nothing really new here.
In other dream I am thinking of, the one in it is being tormented by something that exists, and does indeed have a part in her future. Though not exactly as she dreams it.
I saw a guy with an Axe, chop his sword welding opponent in half, in some dark tournament. It was impressive! Guess you had to see it.
About have my self a heart attack. That is if my mind doesn't seize up, trying to figure out what is going on!
I am grasping at straws with this one, but I am guessing that he was trying to state that it is ironic that he could leave so easy, at any time, with a portal. Due to the fact the place is suppose to be a prison. I am only guessing. I can't be sure with this one. It is not vary well stated. To me, is what it might imply. It's definitely a maybe.
Yes, it is the usual greeting. We see it all the time on the show. like when Big Mac dresses in drag, and gives Rainbow Dash a head but, when ever he sees her. Even though she is not a Stallion, and Big Mac is not a mare.
Wait, none of this happened on the show. Except that part about Big Mac dressing in drag.
Computer, you monitor this?
OK, forget I asked. 
Why do they hate the griffins so much? Why!
You at least had a likable griffin in your story. But such a sad ending to his part in it too, even though he wasn't killed.
No, one doesn't have to die, for moments in their life to be that sad.
In this story, he is supposed to have changed, yet he is still in a position to try and order everyone around, like a tyrant King.
At least his orders are to help save a life. But he must save lives! For what is a King, without any servants to order around?
King haggard.
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Say, what now?
I got to look into season 6. I didn't know any info on it has leaked yet.
I also didn't know she had anything to do with the show anymore. I thought she quit the show, but still supports the fans.
Last I heard, she is working on that Fighting Is Magic game. Making new art, and a new line of fighters for it. Ones not directly from the show.
I think it might have been this- "A voiced screeched inside Blaze's head, causing a pain similar to a dragon's grip."
Though it dose not say how big of a dragon he is talking about. If it was Spike griping him, it couldn't have hurt that much. He dose have some missing details on that.
We got this whole bad guy that is good again. Yes, there are a lot of those, it seems.
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For a good guy, he has a lot of blood on his hands.
Thank you.
Actually, I have had a great day today. Don't know why, I just did.
3799980
Funny.
I have been near begging him to do another on one of mine, and this is after looking over his other reviews, as well as one of mine from long past. An unfinished trilogy. All though some would call it just an unfinished tragedy. Well, it's kind of that too.
Don't fear the reaper.
He is just guiding dead souls to their final resting place, for their eternal slumber.
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3804234 ok first off the reaper has nothing to do with getting my story reviewed and second if you want your stories reviewed that's your beinses.
3804341
Actually it does. You see The Critique may indeed not review your story as you request. But that is not for me to say.
What I will say is, if your story is out for others to look over and review (be it The Critique, or not), someone possibly will. And may be by someone you may not like what they have to say about it. Just like dealing with The Reaper himself. If your story is live online, someone out their will try to bury your story, and try to lay it to rest, so others don't stumble upon it. If they feel it is not up to their standards. It is for the most part inevitable.
Hell, even the short video A Lullaby For a Princess received over 2,450 dislikes. And received complaints for not being all too good. And doing something wrong within it, like having no spoken dialog during the fight the two sisters had in Luna's room, and giving Celestia a pink main at the beginning. Just to name two things some felt could have been either done better, or not done at all.
One of my past girlfriends, has written a few stories, and had not posted any of them, for that very reason. She is a vary sensitive individual, and did not like the idea of a person tearing into her stories, and saying she is stupid, for not only what she had written, but for posting such trash (as they may see it) as well. See, she did fear The Reaper, and did not wish her stories to go live on line, just to see a person, be cruel to her (as she may see it as harsh comments, on something she may feel passionate about) for sharing them.
I said not to fear the Reaper, one who may try and bury your story in a way you might not like, even the good stories (that is seen as good by enough to get way over 400 likes), may still get flack for the content in the story by others who did not like it. It's practically a given.
But if you fear something like this may happen, you will not have a fun time posting, especially if your stories are as bad as mine are. I have not read, any of yours, and even if I did, I would not be a good judge to tell.
One of the very few I did read, I personally didn't like, is Derpy's Finest Hour. That story has almost 200 likes.
And by some who just hate Derpy.
You may wonder, did I like what The Critique had to say about my story when he reviewed it? No. I did not.
What I did like was the detail he gave as to why he didn't like the story, and what he though was wrong with it.
And there was much wrong with it I could agree on.
Though I did not agree with all of what he said about it. And I let him know what it was.
I don't mind a person giving their opinion, when it is just that, an opinion. Most of the time.
I did delete a few comments given to me by some, in the past. But it was comments by those just trying to piss me off, not trying to be helpful.
The first, was by one who told me I am full of shit, as the very first comment to the first chapter to a story I was starting to post. Without seeing any other part of the story.
The guy had already not liked me form the past, so he thought such a comment was proper to give to me at the time.
As I said, unwanted, or even just harsh comments can, and will occur, wither any of us likes it or not. It's the way of the web. And life.
That includes having ones own comment deleted for being an ass, as his was by me.
Commenters can and will have to suffer that as well, at times, be it if even a moderator deletes the comment. Boo hoo for them.
Makes me wonder why some do give the type of comments, they do?
I also wonder why some feel the Punching Game is the thing to do? Or even the random face slashing with a box cutter, that has been going on of late as well. Never can tell what some feel is OK on how to treat others. Some people are just crazy like that.
The main reason I wish to have my story reviewed by The Critique, isn't to have my story bashed. Though I feel it likely will. That would be entirely up to him.
No, I am just looking for one who may tell me where I have gone wrong with the story. As he did with the past story he reviewed. It is for a chance to improve, not to be mocked, and laughed at. Not to say that will not happen as well, I do have some bad puns, and such in the story.
And anything else he may feel to mock in the story, even if it be the way it is written, or lack of content, or too much content of a particular kind.
And the story is not very well liked. Even if I though personally that the story is fine. Actually, it is my personal favorite story among those I have written. So I am not a good judge of stories. I think I said that already somewhere.
So mostly. I am saying is not to fear comments you may not like, given about your stories. For it is a given, you may very well get them just the same, even if you may not want them.
To tell the truth, as for my stories, it is not so much the comments that I have been getting that bothers me so much, it's the lack of any helpful ones, that tell me what some may like about the story (so I may know what I may be doing right) , and what I may need improving on (so I may do better in any later stories.)
Sorry if you feel I was trying to make fun of you or anything like that. I just though your comment was funny, in relation to what I have been looking for to have done is all.
You have a good day.