Read It Now Reviews #73 – Taboo Diets, Shub-Cadurath, Catastrophe, End, Please Nibble Responsibly · 2:53am Feb 24th, 2016
Shub-Cadurath and Catastrophe. One is a story about a horrible monstrosity from beyond the veil of reality that reduces ponies to gibbering masses. The other story is about Princess Cadance giving birth to Princess Flurry Heart.
This was a rather eclectic set of stories; from a story with tiny cover art to a story about edible ears to a story about nursing, folks come up with some of the strangest things these days.
Not that I have a leg to stand on in that regard. Still! Four stories with somewhat offbeat premises, and one about Applejack dealing with the worst monster she’s ever faced: Rarity’s cat.
Today’s stories:
Taboo Diets by Petrichord
Shub-Cadurath by Present Perfect
Catastrophe by Tumbleweed
End by Pav Fiera
Please Nibble Responsibly by FrontSevens
Taboo Diets
by Petrichord
Sex, Alternate Universe, Comedy
1,617 wordsMilk is especially good for very young ponies.
Milk's crucial for their development at that age, really.
But the way Big Mac's carrying on about things, you figure that Applejack would be feeding cyanide to baby Applebloom, instead of milk.
Clearly, the guy needs to stop acting embarrassed and start acting like a responsible parent.
It's not like there's anything immoral about a mother nursing her child in public, right?
Right?
Why I added it: Because this is apparently all my fault.
Review
Applejack nurses Apple Bloom in public.
Big Mac objects.
Applejack unloads on him with health and science information. Poor Big Mac.
So, uh, this is apparently my fault. Years ago, on 2+2=5, I may have… gone off on a bit of a random rant about milk, veganism and vegetarianism, and proper nutrition. Because I’m me, and that is a thing that sometimes happens. Look, just roll with it.
Apparently someone found that comment, found it absolutely hilariously ranty, and wrote a story about it, casting Applejack in the role of the lecturer and poor Big Mac in the role of the target of the rant.
This was quite funny. Big Mac is upset about Applejack being “indecent”, while Applejack unloads on him about how this is totally natural, about how Apple Bloom needs the milk, about proper nutrition, about how she doesn’t want her to grow up all deformed…
This is probably what it is like to be on the outside of one of my random rants, looking in, and it amused me greatly, as Applejack just bull-headedly goes on and runs totally roughshod over all of Big Mac’s attempted counterarguments.
So, uh, if you want to read a story about the benefits of aggressive public nursing, this might well be up your alley.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
S̼̹̫̟͇̱͖͌ͩ̇̅͐̕h̸̬͚̗̿u͓͖̮͐̉̅ͧͪ͟b̰͡-̡̣̈́̈͂C̺̜ͥ̉ͮ̇͡a̱̾ͩ̒ͧ̚͠d͔͕̣̙͗͒̊̎̍ͬ̕u͙̻̪̤̰͖͗͆ͧͤ̕r̴̥̤̩̺̹͍̂͒ͩ̈̒̇̚ͅa̺̳̖̥̦̱͚͐t͍̻̼ͧ̀ͅh̬̭̪͍͙̞̜ͯ̈ͧ̋ͦ̀
by Present Perfect
Comedy, Horror, Random
3,441 wordsShe tried her best, but it's just not there. She kicked a hoof and said, "It's just not fair!" A princess mare living princess dreams; a filly that's not quite as it seems...
Based on the promo video for season 6. There will be spoilers!
Why I added it: I am a glutton for punishment. Also souls. Actually, mostly souls, really.
Review
This story is tagged comedy, horror, and random for a reason.
Princess Flurry Heart, Princess Cadance’s spawn, is a horrifying eldritch monstrosity. But, you know, in the form of a little filly. She has horrible effects on Twilight’s friends when they come to see her, but Twilight (and Starlight Glimmer) are unaffected.
The story then reveals that this is not the first horrible spawn that Cadance has given birth to, and…
Well, the story is just pretty much one bizarre thing after another. A lovecraftian comedy, if you will. And it never really came together for me. It seemed like it was trying really hard to be funny, and that trying part was what put my teeth on edge, as it just continually kept trying to go over the top, but in ways that just didn’t ever end up making me laugh.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Catastrophe
by Tumbleweed
Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life
7,052 wordsThere are two types of ponies in the world: dog ponies, and cat ponies.
Anyone with two eyes in their head could easily determine which categories both Applejack and Rarity fit in. But, when Rarity must take a last minute business trip to Manehattan, it falls on Applejack to take care of Rarity's beloved pet, Opalescence.
The problem is, Opalescence doesn't like Applejack.
Opalescence doesn't like anybody.
Why I added it: Tumbleweed is a good writer, and who doesn’t love RariJack?
Review
After spending the night together with Rarity, Applejack was ready for a nice, lazy morning in bed with her lover.
Too bad reality intervenes and drags Rarity away to Manehattan, leaving poor Applejack behind with Opalescence.
How bad could it be, taking care of the second most evil pet the mane six own?
Bad.
This is the story of Applejack trying (and failing) to take care of Opalescence, while Opalescence is the Worst Cat Ever™. This really hits every note of taking care of a terrible cat – the cat destroying the place, the cat getting into stuff it shouldn’t have, the cat needing a bath as a result and not wanting it, and the cat running off into a dangerous forest and having to track it down before it gets eaten by a predator.
Okay, that last one, maybe not so typical.
This story is one of those things that seemed theoretically amusing, but actually reading it, it didn’t actually end up all that funny at all. It seems like the sort of thing that might have been funnier animated; as it was, for some reason, it just felt kind of… standard to me. Everything pretty much ran as expected, and it never really made me laugh.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
End
by Pav Fiera
Romance, Sad
1,746 wordsThe purple alicorn had a question, though she already knew the answer.
The white alicorn had an answer, but it wasn't enough.
Why I added it: I blame Pav. Also, six of the first seven comments on the story were made by people with 600+ followers.
Review
Celestia loves Twilight, as she has throughout eternity.
There was a world here, once; ponies and life. And four alicorns. But now there are only two, and the ball of light, that Celestia raises and lowers. It gives her life meaning, now that all else is gone. Even names hold little meaning to them after eons.
But love – love still has meaning. And Celestia loves Twilight, in a way that she never loved the other two. Not that she didn’t love the other two, but Twilight completes her.
But Twilight wants to leave, and Celestia wants to keep at her duty…
Frankly, I wasn’t terribly enamored with this story. The writing style was strange, but the largest issue I had with it was that the central dilemma seemed to be that Celestia didn’t want to leave… for some reason. But to all appearances, her “duty” is now pointless, so why not explore the stars with Twilight?
The characters were so strange here they were only barely recognizable, and ultimately, I just didn’t end up empathizing with them.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Please Nibble Responsibly
by FrontSevens
Comedy, Random, Romance, Slice of Life
3,346 wordsPinkie Pie learns the weirdest thing about ponies in love; they nibble each other’s ears.
But, why?
Pinkie needs to know.
Why I added it: It was in the writeoff, but I never read it.
Review
Pinkie Pie discovers that ponies have edible ears.
This story takes the basic premise – that ponies might nibble on each others’ ears affectionately – and turns it to the ridiculous – namely, that ponies are edible.
While this is labelled romance, it is really more meant as an indication that the ponies therein are being shipped, with PinkieDash and Flarity both being a thing. Neither relationship seems to be being taken all that seriously, but then, nothing in the story really is.
This is one of those random comedies where the premise is pretty much the whole joke, so whether or not you find this funny is pretty much entirely dependent on whether the absurd premise can carry you across 3000 words. While there are a couple other jokes scattered in there, nothing here really made me laugh.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Summary
Taboo Diets by Petrichord
Worth Reading
S̼̹̫̟͇̱͖͌ͩ̇̅͐̕h̸̬͚̗̿u͓͖̮͐̉̅ͧͪ͟b̰͡-̡̣̈́̈͂C̺̜ͥ̉ͮ̇͡a̱̾ͩ̒ͧ̚͠d͔͕̣̙͗͒̊̎̍ͬ̕u͙̻̪̤̰͖͗͆ͧͤ̕r̴̥̤̩̺̹͍̂͒ͩ̈̒̇̚ͅa̺̳̖̥̦̱͚͐t͍̻̼ͧ̀ͅh̬̭̪͍͙̞̜ͯ̈ͧ̋ͦ̀ by Present Perfect
Not Recommended
Catastrophe by Tumbleweed
Not Recommended
End by Pav Fiera
Not Recommended
Please Nibble Responsibly by FrontSevens
Not Recommended
There we go! Sorry I haven’t been super active these last few days. Been sort of struggling to get writing done and trying to read some longer stories. Sort of haven’t focused on any one thing nearly enough to get it done.
Hopefully that will change soon.
Until then, I hope you find something interesting to read!
Number of stories still listed as Read It Sooner: 117
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later: 429
Number of stories listed as Read It Eventually: 1834
But how did the title get like that? 8V
3773930
Tͅo ͔̠͔͚̝͡i͏̞̙̲̦͔n̶̗̦̬v͓̻͈̥̱̦͝o̩͘k̗̰̗͓͓̻e͏͔ ͘t͚͕̦̬͉̙h̨̹̬̯̖e̳͔̫̘̤ ̳͠h͔͟i̡̱̭v͘e̯̠̻̱͠ͅ-͖m̲̠̹í͉͎̞͓̠̗̘nd̜͖̰͠ ͇̤̳r̬̼e͚̙͓̙p̪̀r̸͓̭̯̣͓e̗̗s͍͘e̱͈̤nt͈͔͖i̛͕̣͔n̬̦̱͙͖ͅǵ̬͉̥͈̬͚̣ ̰̬̮͓c̶̫̺h̠̰͔̝a͓̫͇͇o̱̤͘s͏̤̥.̠͝
͇̖I͓͝n͈̞͓̩̠̺v̮̳̗̳̺o̻̱͝k̩͚̦in̲̫̳͖͢ͅg ̠̱͚̹̲͔ͅt̤̻̩̝̖̱͜h̷͖͕͎͍͍̫̹e̞̘ ̤͙̼͝f̰͉ͅee̙l̜̫i̭͙͈̥͉͕n̡̤̠͖̥g̝͇̥͉ ̜̹̤̞̖͍ͅo̷̺̭f̴ ̬c͔͓̼͕̫̥h̩̩͉͘a̮͎̘̬̭͉o̰̝s̶.҉̺
̛̠̱̩W̶i͎̫̰t̸̰͖͉̭͎̦h̰̹̣̙͈̦ o͕͙̰̣̟͟ṵ̢̜̲̜ͅt̩̰̳̗̠̠͟ ̠̜͈̺̖̦̬o̦̭͎͓̪r͉͔̳͖̮ͅd̬̟͖̘̝e̸̞̲̺̱r.̬
̗̘̪T͏̠̜̩̙he̫ ̩̤̰̩͘N͎̱̳͍̣e̷̠̗z̢̦̻̥p̺̼̜̪͚̹e͈̜̗̩̤̘͝r͏d͔̜̲̤͟ia̵͔͓n͉̹͕̜͈ ̜̘͔̗̪̪h͏̣̺͚̺̜̠ͅi̸̖̠̼̮v͏̦̟é-̖̞̣̠͇m͎̣͍̬͙ͅi͈̪̻͢n̳̫d̡ ̮͖̭̝̮͖̣o̷̤̗̘f͙͜ ͍͕̕c̭̪͕̥̞̪h̴͕̭̘a̵̤o͇̦͉̙̻̘̦͢s̰.̫̱͈ ͏̬̹Z҉a̗l̷̲͎g̸͈̲̟͍ò.͉̙̲̱̥͕̀ͅ
̳̪͈͕H̢̝̜̝̱̭ͅe̞͙̖̭̗ w̸̺̣h̲͔̩o͎̗̲̥̳ ̩̤̖̩̘͖W̻a̟i͇̦͕̫t̞̮̗͚͕ͅs͎ B̝e̝͠h̛͍͚̲̝ḭ̳̱̭̯͇͢n̞͙̤͓̻d̲̙̘͓͟ ̹̠̪T̲̳̲h̢e̱̩͓̩̥͞ ̪̙W̥̤͙͖̥̫a̟͎͠l̨̘͚̮̱̞l̲.̧̤
̷͙̥͓Z̦̝̩̤A̷͉̳̠L̳͉̭̫̹̣G̳͍̦̖͙̺ͅO̲̱̭̩̫̕!
3773952 Oh, God. You put it in the tag that way too.
3774011
It was originally that way everywhere in the document, but it ended up making stuff hard to read.
For the record, TD: My first reaction on finding out that you had seen this - and reviewed it - was to yell "FUCK me! I'm reaping what i sowed!" Out loud. In a voice ineffectual enough to make Michael Cera shake his head in disappointment.
If you had hated this, i utterly, completely, one-hundred-percentedly would have understood. But i guess i got the only recommended review in this batch? huh. I'm going to be honest: it was the LAST thing i was expecting.
For the record, I've got absolutely nothing against you - just want to make that perfectly clear. I've also got nothing against milk: Wisconsin is a pretty big Dairy state, and it's nice to meet someone who argued vociferously and eloquently on behalf of the Big White.
And I apologize for laughing as much as I did. I'm still not 100% sure i could articulate to you why i found the whole debacle on that story to be the funniest thing I've read in months. Perhaps I've got a strange sense of humor.
In any case, thank you for not killing me.
3774178
This isn't the first time I've been parodied, and pretty much every time has been tremendously amusing to me. Don't worry; I wasn't offended at all, nor did I think you were mocking me so much as poking fun at me. Frankly, I'm glad it inspired an amusing story.
And don't worry, I can see why my SUPER SERIOUS BUSINESS condescending responses can seem absolutely hilarious from the outside.
Yeeeep, as soon as I saw the notification, I was bracing for impact. Still, the "why" part of the NR was still useful, so it's not a total loss.
3773952
Apparently this meme is like 6 years old and that's why no one knows it anymore. :(
Glad you liked Taboo Diets :)
By the way, the original joke wasn't that you went off on a rant, it was that the comment was 1.5 times the length of the actual story in question.
3773952
Looks great on mobile.
I'm sorry that you didn't happen to enjoy my story, but thanks anyway for taking the time to give it a try and write a review. And thanks for letting me know about your review, too
3775827
S'alright. I feel kind of bad when I don't get to every writeoff entry, so I do try and read them when they make it up on FIMFiction if I didn't catch them earlier.