CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #22 — Changeling Courtship Rituals · 3:29am Feb 12th, 2016
This review is based upon the first five chapters only.*
Title: Changeling Courtship Rituals
Author: Codex Ex Equus
Found via: The popular/recently updated box
Short summary: It turns out that all of Twilight’s battles with Queen Chrysalis have actually been an extended mating ritual, at least from Chrysalis’ perspective. During a final, “life-threatening” battle, the ritual ends, and Chrysalis takes Twilight as her wife.
After Twilight gets over her panic attack, she has a lot of work cut out for her, and a lot of major decisions to make. Things like how to approach the situation, how to do so while avoiding any wars, and whether lying to Chrysalis about her feelings is really worth it.
None of her friends, family members, or mentors are any help at all.
The Title/Description: The title is adequate. Technically it refers to something that already happened—the story’s gimmick rather than its plot—but it’s good enough.
The description is too long-winded. It also makes the story look worse than it is: it emphasizes the gimmick, rather than the plot that happens afterwards.
Genre(s): Light Entertainment, Comedy, Slice of Life, Mild Romance, Mild Dramedy
What does this story do well?: I think this story’s first strength is its comedy. While some of it is very forced, a large portion of the jokes actually had me laughing aloud. The comedy that is timed well delivers a lot of good laughs. The comedic interactions between characters work well (though as noted below, some of the characters feel more naturalistic than others). Overall there's a good number of quality jokes and situations in here, and that's the important thing about a Comedy.
The way the characters interact fuels a lot of this comedy, and most of the characters are well done. Twilight in particular is portrayed well: she has enough of both her neurotic and logical tendencies to be believable, while still offering plenty of opportunities for hilarious behavior and observations. Chrysalis is also well-defined: she operates on a different moral system from ponies and clearly is the same villain from the show, but her love for Twilight is both a believable and funny twist on her character.
Finally, I think the story does a good job of not overstepping its bounds. It doesn’t try to eclipse its Comedy with too much Drama. There are some dramatic aspects—like the running idea that Twilight doesn’t love Chrysalis and keeps hiding this to “save Equestria”, or the scene where Chrysalis poisons Celestia—but they don’t eclipse the Comedy, and even lead to more comedic situations. The story includes just enough drama to move the plot forward, but doesn’t forget that it is Comedy first and foremost.
Where could this story improve?: This story has a huge number of typos, grammar issues and formatting errors. They range from simple mechanical things like misspelled words and not catching incorrect quotes after dashes (–“), to awkward use of things like caps and italics, to bizarre sentence construction and confusingly punctuated dialogue. The story is generally easy to read and digest (as entertainment should be), but these constant mechanical problems are very distracting.
This story throws a lot of headcanon/Expanded Universe information at the reader. Things like referencing events from the comics or introducing headcanon like ovipositors or the taste of love can be done well, but they need to be paced appropriately. This story throws so much at the reader so fast that many parts of it get bogged down in exposition and explanation and references. Some of these details do fuel comedy, but the majority of it feels unneeded and bloats the story too much.
This leads to another problem: many of the characters have very awkward characterizations. Luna and Celestia are the major culprits here, but other characters like Twilight’s parents, Applejack, and Fluttershy also have characterizations that feel extremely forced. They don’t feel like themselves, and the situations they create aren’t particularly funny. This is especially problematic because their quirks are not introduced to the reader as carefully as other characters’ (like Twilight and Chrysalis and even Rarity), and the contrast between these clumsy caricatures and the other, more realistic characters is very jarring.
This is related to another of the story’s problems. A fair portion of the comedy relies on what I call “surprise-as-punchline”. Rather than setting up a punchline, it just states some unorthodox fact or displays some unlikely event. The problem with this type of comedy, especially in fanfiction, is that none of these “unorthodox” things truly have shock value. The ideas of Celestia having a crush on Twilight, of Chrysalis having an ovipositor, of Twilight being bisexual, and so many others are not funny in and of themselves. They aren’t so shocking that they can make the reader laugh on their own merits. Not anymore.
All these problems (and others) give the story a lot of writing and events that are just sort of there: it isn’t entertaining or funny or dramatic, it’s exposition-y or transitional or dull. It exists and is part of the story, but doesn’t entertain.
In a single sentence: Despite its problems, this is a perfectly capable piece of light entertainment.
Verdict: Upvote. There’s no denying this story has problems. Many problems. So many problems, I only mentioned the most prominent ones, because otherwise we would be here all day. And yet, I enjoyed it despite them. The story made me laugh. It passed an afternoon of reading in a mostly enjoyable manner. Honestly, that’s all one can and should expect of their light entertainment.
I try and judge stories on their own merits whenever possible. After all, if we compared every story to every other story, nothing would ever be worth reading. This story is a good example of why fiction is so subjective. This story is worth reading because it knows what it is trying to accomplish and doesn’t overstep those goals. I enjoyed it, and I would recommend it to others, so long as they set their expectations appropriately. For those who want more polish—more quality—from their popcorn, however, then I would suggest they steer clear. At least until the story gets an editor or two.
*See the comments for my small addendum concerning the last few chapters.
Given that Chrysalis indicates she said that entirely to get a rise out of Twilight, I don't know why you're counting it as headcanon.
3769980 She said she did it to get a rise out of Twilight. When asked, she doesn't say anything about making up the existence of ovipositors (she's coy enough it could be interpreted either way). It might be a nod to the fandom's extreme predilection for the topic of oviposition, not an actual piece of headcanon, but it doesn't come off that way.
3771317
It does to me, especially given the framing, but I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.
3772122 I'll agree I could have used a clearer example, but the point still stands.
Addendum after finishing the story:
Chapter six is bad, skip it. It showcases all the story's worst qualities (like forced characterization and flat shock comedy), and includes none of the things that make the story enjoyable. It is also self-admitted filler, and so doesn't forward the plot at all.
Chapter seven is nice. It portrays its situations well, and has a good mix of comedy and drama.
The epilogue is adequate, though it is both predictable and ignores a plot point from earlier in the story.
3838656
Having just read it (and played The Critic)...which plot point was ignored? Use spoiler tags, please.
3875545 the hostility between Cadance and Chrysalis
3875558
Oh. Yeah. That. I must be out of it to not have noticed.
On a completely unrelated note, do you know any good ones where Chrysalis tries to romance Cadence?