An Admission and an Apology · 11:02pm Feb 2nd, 2016
This is not about ponies. It’s not me trying to be funny with footnotes and worldbuilding. This is entirely and unamusingly personal. If you don’t care about my personal problems—which is a solid choice I fully support and may even recommend—then by all means don’t read this. I'm completely serious about this. If you follow me for stories and the occasional sort-of amusing blog post that's perfectly, utterly okay and you need not, indeed, should not read this. There’s nothing worthwhile past this point, I assure you, and I certainly won't make a habit of posts like this.
Right.
I have an admission to make.
Those who know me a bit better may know this already, but I think I may have hidden it from others. I regret that I cannot effectively hide it anymore. I suffer from major depressive disorder. I should point out that I am self-diagnosed—complicated issues regarding private matters preclude me from getting professional help—but that this self-diagnosis is fairly solid. I struggle with self-loathing and thoughts of suicide pretty much constantly. If it isn’t depression, then it is something doing a fairly good impression of it.
The reason I am writing about this is that my ability to maintain a facade of normality has been fraying of late. I’m not answering e-mails, I’m putting things off, I’m withdrawing and hiding. I’ve been speaking to those dearest to me very erratically. I’m being a terribly bad friend, in short. I write this to apologize and admit fault.
I’m sorry. Sorry I can’t fight this better and sorrier still I dragged you all into my private misery by writing this. I can offer nothing but rather ineffectual apologies. This admission need not change anything. I hope it doesn't. I would have kept it quiet but I don't feel I really can anymore.
This is not something you need to apologize for. If you can't seek professional help, then what you need most are friends who can help you through the worst.
You sound like you're reaching a place in your head where self-harm is a real danger. I really urge that you seek medical help. Because, as unpleasant as this blog post may be to read, having one of your friends post your obituary would be a hell of a lot worse to read.
I know it may not be easy, but talk to family. Explain your feelings to them. At the least, tell them to read this blog post if talking to them is impossible. They can offer you more direct emotional support than we can. As is, the best I can offer is this: you are not worthless. You are not alone. You have talent in writing, creativity and intelligence in abundance, and have an aptitude for spreading a delightful style of humor. You are valuable. Do not give in to suicidal thoughts.
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All my this, and also:
<HUG>
(Everything's better with color.)
Seconding PP; this isn't something you need to apologize for. You're also certainly not alone.
I know that you and I are realistically, at best, acquaintances, but I do think of you as a friend. If I thought there was any chance in hell of weaseling an address out of you, there'd be a care package en route to you faster than... well, faster than you could regret giving an internet-stranger your address, I guess.
Please be well, and please recognize that you don't have to put up a brave front for your friends.
I've seen several admissions such as this one in my time on this site. In addition to offering my condolences and sympathy, I wish to note that I am impressed by the brevity and tact with which you presented the issue at hand.
It’s okay. Don’t spend too much time on apologizing; put that energy into taking care of yourself.
I’ve been in a similar place. When you’re there, you don’t want to do any of the things that may help you to feel better. Try some of those things and then reassess. (http://eponis.tumblr.com/post/113798088670/everything-is-awful-and-im-not-okay-questions-to)
You do have power to change things for the better, though you or your circumstances may not be letting you see that. You are a damned fine writer and your light deserves to shine in the world. Don’t give up.
I've been feeling this exact way for a couple of years now and it's first now that I've gotten off my hands and started to see a therapist. There's nothing wrong in that and as someone who has been in a similar situation I can say that it helped me a lot, especially since I was developing agoraphobia.
Another thing I should say is that admitting both to yourself and others that you are troubled is a big thing, you should be proud of yourself because it takes strength to do that and it's the first step to improving your situation.
By Celstia's Sweet and Bountifull Booty, Heratclitus don't die on us! No really! You were the first author in Fimfiction that I noticed that did not suck! Hell I still consider "Whom the Princess would Destroy" to be my favorite Fanfic! For the love of everything that is good and sexy in life, LIVE! You are such a inspiration to us all, and this world would be sadder without you! Please Cheer Up!
That is all I have! In fact, this is wrong of me to do. Because this is probably the last thing that someone with actual depression actually wants to hear. I'm medicated, believe it or not I have been there. Even if you are older, wiser and infinitely more awesome than me in every way.
I beg you to listen to the immortal words of the one and only James Brown!
As others have said, apologies aren't necessary. Get help as best you can, from professionals, from friends, and from yourself. You can make an impact in your own life. Indeed, by talking about the issue with someone, even near-strangers on the Internet, you've already begun to.
Admission, however, is always the first step. Toward what end? You'll have to determine that for yourself, and decide what it is you want beyond admitting that you suffer. I would like to hope that with this admission will come a reaffirmation from those who are near and dear to you that you are still a good friend, that you always, always have support, and that at no point during this painful process (I imagine the pain of holding this in eventually outweighed the pain of posting this message and speaking out, yes?) do any of us think less of you. In fact, I have nothing but respect for the act of bravery you just undertook. I would like to hope that, once the current humiliation you're probably feeling recedes, you will see that there are plenty of people vested in your health. Not in a selfish fashion because we want you to keep writing, but in the far simpler fashion that we care because we do. I would like to hope these things... and so I will.
It's at this point that I should offer my own admission. During my time on this site, I have read your works, read your blogs, read your posts through forums we both participate in and through fics we've both edited. My admission to you is that I have been, and still am, a silent supporter of your future and wellbeing. I've found you to be immeasurably humorous, intelligent, humble, and generous. I may not have a complete understanding of you but that's only because we've never actually engaged in conversation. However, I am confident in my prior observations, based up the content you post, based upon how you conduct yourself. And even if you have no reason to believe anything I'm telling you, because you don't know me or because maybe you think I'm just blowing smoke, I hope you will at least acknowledge that such judgements through observation are both attainable and tenable. Also, I don't blow smoke.
I won't pretend that this post will suddenly make us super best friends or something. I respect your privacy too much, and I also have an understanding of how this works, both from personal experience and just from simply being alive as long as I have. But I will say this: if you ever wish to talk, you can. You're not a burden and you're not worthless.
For now and for the future I will continue to offer my support. Thank you for being strong today.
Damn, man. I've been kind of worried about you, but I've not been sure if it was just you being busy. And, let me make this clear, that's because you're worth worrying about, okay? I know you were about to go into a guilt spiral. Don't try and deny it.
I don't know what to say other than been there, including the suicidal thoughts thing, and it sucks. Eventually it got better. It will get better. I don't regret being alive today and that I reckon that puts me on a positive score in the game of life. I didn't get everything I wanted, but I'm still ahead. Professional helped a bit, and the drugs mostly just forced me out of bed in the morning like I had matchsticks holding my eyes open, but mostly it was a long process of recognising all the those perfectly logical arguments the disease puts in you head are in fact perfectly illogical and don't stand up to proper analysis.
Trust me, there are people who do care and worry about you and that's not a reason to be guilty. That's a data point, okay. It's a data point that says you are not as bad as you think you are. Practically peer reviewed.
Oh, and one more thing, right now, it's okay to not be strong. Take some time to actually allow yourself some weakness. You have permission. By this phase you'll have been gritting your teeth and bearing it for too long. I remember collapsing down the side of the shower staring at the droplets on the glass for a few hours because leaving the shower and continuing was too much effort so there's one idea for you. Having a good cry and talking to people you trust in confidence are also good choices. I'm no therapist, but I don't think I could have started the process of healing and putting myself back together without going through this phase.
You know my email if you want to talk away from a public forum. I'm happy to be contacted on it about this or anything else.
And I can offer nothing but digital hugs. But I'll give you as much of those as necessary, and I think everyone else here does too.
You are loved. You are valued. You have nothing to apologize for.
Having experienced major depression myself, I know how hard it can be to reach out for help, but the support of friends and family were vital to my recovery. I assure you the people who love you can help if you just talk to them. They want to know if you are hurting. You are not doing them or yourself any favors trying to hide it.
This post is a great first step. I am glad you were able to do that. I hope you continue to seek help in the physical world. Please do not harm yourself. You can get better.
I have been in the exact same place you are now; my life and relationships disintegrating around me as I was increasingly unable to keep up the facade of normalcy, until—facing the imminent, inevitable, total collapse of my life—I was finally able to reach out and ask for help, first from my family and then from professional mental health workers.
I've had my ups and downs since then, and even today I'm far from "healed" or even just "all right", but just knowing what was wrong, getting treatment, and eventually finding the underlying condition that caused my repeated depressions, has helped immensely.
I urge you: if there is any way – any way at all – that you could seek professional help, please do so! Whatever it is that you feel prevents you from doing so, please re-evaluate the matter with an open mind and as much objectivity as you can muster. Is it really worth suffering untreated for the rest of your life? Or is that just the self-reinforcing spiral of depression putting roadblocks in your way to keep you from escaping?
If ever you find yourself thinking, "Oh, I just can't! To do that, I'd first have to..." hold on to that thought. You just identified a necessary step towards recovery. There's probably another step you need to take before that, and one before that, and so on – but do not allow the depression to paint this as an insurmountable mountain of tasks that is too big to accomplish; in reality they are merely steps along a perfectly level road, leading you out of the pit of despair you find yourself in. Go ahead and find that first step along this road, and allow yourself to believe that you can take it; you'll find that the biggest hurdle is never the actual task you have to accomplish, but always the deadening inertia of depression, trying to convince you that it's too hard, too much effort, and that you'd be better off sinking back into the pit.
Have a lovely day :)
For what little worth my oar is to be inserted into this conversation:
1) Do not apologise. there is nothing to apologise for.
2) For the sake of any and all conveniant deities, absolutely ensure you get some form of help or support; I'll take you at your word there are Reasons why you can't get professionals, but at least ensure you get as much support as you can from elsewhere, especially friends and family you can deal with in the flesh. Depression can be a literal KILLER. (And for the love of Celestia, if you live in a country where you can have access to firearms do NOT keep one in your house.)
3) Though I am sure you have far better options available to you than one random lich stranger[1] who has read your stories, you may consider you have an open invitation to my PM box if you wish to talk or anything about anything. I can't say that extended contact with me won't drive you insane in other ways, nor that I can intelligently comment on many topics outside starships/ponies/natural history/military history/history/3D printing, but the offer remains nontheless.
[1]And they don't come much stranger than me, I garentee...
No need to apologize. You may feel like you're a burden, but you aren't one to me.
I and a number of others have been in the same place you have, or at least a similar one, so you have people with experience to draw upon.
Something that brings me a degree of comfort whwn this happens to me is the knowledge that it isn't my fault. That it isn't due to some fault in my moral character that all my energy is gone and I feel worthless. It's just a glitch in my system that I have to outlast while I wait for it to reboot.
Depression runs in my family. My dad always suggests to go and do something for someone else, which can be helpful for a number of reasons. If my energy is too low to try that, though, I've found that it really helps to have some low-thought, mechanical task for myself to do. Whether it's a simple, repetitive computer game or some comfortable light reading in a familiar book, it helps to keep yourself from circular, destructive thoughts. I've had exercise suggested, too. It makes enough sense, what with endorphins and all that, but I haven't tried it yet while depressed. Haven't tried it much at all, to be honest.
The most important thing I can emphasize, though, is maintaining contact with your friends. Even if it's just sitting in on a Skype call while everyone else chats about whatever and you remain silent. When everything else failed, it was knowing that my friends were still there that kept me alive.
Even if your family doesn't understand you, you still have a veritable horde of people who love you in their own ways. You have friends, fans, and followers that all care that you exist.
On a wild tangent, what country are you from? I remember your not being from the US, but your country of origin slips my mind.
I've said this before and I'll say it again, just as a reminder: I know you can't get professional help, but I'm here to help you, and I want to help you. Don't let not being able to get professional help make you feel like there's nothing you can do.
Also, for now, <hugs> (Mine have more colors than 3729292)
And making this post was like pulling, teeth, right? Because part of you is absolutely certain that no one is interested in your crap and you shouldn't bother them. And the hiding out--ooh, man, I've been there.
There's not much constructive I can offer you, Ghost. I've got commiseration, the wish that I could offer more, and the assertion that yes, I value you enough to want to do more and that you do deserve that.
Hugs, man.
I kind of suspected you might be ever since I saw some of your reactions to some things folks have said.
You're a cool person and I enjoy your company, such as it is, over the Internet, and I value your presence. Your writing is great and you are generally quite charming.
Don't worry about it. We still love you.
I'll take you at your word that you can't seek professional help, though I earnestly hope that that will change soon
please seek me out, along with everyone else that expresses concern for you any time you need it -- actually, seek us out before hand because, if your experience is anything like mine, you won't have the strength to when you need it the most
While I can't be available all the time, due to work and school, I can promise to be a compassionate listener with a thick skin and fast forgiveness that will try to respond as quickly as I can.
Like others here have already said, you don't need to apologise for anything. Having the courage to publicly post about the issue gets you nothing but credit in my book, and it's a valuable step towards reaching towards other, more professional sources of help.
Get that professional help. Stay safe. Strive for happiness, because you're a cool person who deserves it. And if you ever want to talk about anything at all at any time with someone here, then add me to the ranks of those countless folks who are willing to give you any emotional support we can.
First of all, a hug; you need no apology, and even if you did your footnotes are apology enough and then some.
Second, I'd like to recommend you a book: "The myth of Sisyphus". While I don't agree with everything Camus says, his notion that "there is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn" helped me through less than optimal times.
Hopefully it will also help you find some leverage to beat your brain into submission with. Or something like that.
We like you, Ghost of Heraclitus, and we like your work. I even made The Game the Princesses Play in real life because it is just so awesome.
Since you've been brave enough to share your personal problems, I'd like to link you to another author I follow and like, called Howard Tayler. He wrote a piece last year I think it was, about his own mental health issues.
I hope that perhaps it can help, because mental health is a real and a serious issue that needs talking about more.
http://howardtayler.com/no-im-fine/
The link at the bottom of the article links to the Altered Perceptions project, which is what prompted the story; in order to better allow others to understand the problems of talking about mental health, and to help a friend of his who was in a bad situation with his own mental health.
All the best
No apologies necessary.
I implore you, even if you cannot talk to a therapist or councilor, talk with someone. A friend. A family member. Your local priest. Someone. It may sound cliché, but burdens sharred are burdens lessened.
Remember this, though. There are many who's lives you have touched, even if only in the smallest of ways, all of whom wish only the best for you. I may live on the other side of the Pond from you, but know that your humor has brightened my life, and your passing would darken it. I may only be able to offer up these words of comfort, but do so gladly.
Please, try to get some help, and try to feel better.
Oh Ghost, you are a person of many burdens. And I am sorry to disagree, but you have dragged no one into your misery. Hark, your friends are knocking at the door. They care very deeply about you.
A random person on the internet might not be the most comforting of people but after having dealt with this before you should know that asking friends or people you trust for help is NEVER a bad thing to do. No one in this world is strong enough to deal with their problems alone and you are not weak for feeling this way. If you need to speak up about whats wrong dont feel like you need to apologize. Let your friends be there for you.
No apologies are necessary.
You've got friends here. Use them.
Okay whoa. This is not something you need to apologize for. Would you apologize for a bad case of strep throat? No, 'cause you didn't do anything wrong, you just have an illness.
Yeah, this is more difficult because you can't just get a shot of penicillin. This is a complex problem that takes therapy and maybe medication and almost certainly a re-arrangement of your life in order to improve your emotional hygiene. It's difficult and takes time and is subject to reversal. But it is, to use a ghastly neologism, do-able.
School is stressful. Holy Jesus Christ is it stressful. You are not the first grad student to contemplate suicide, which means that there are a lot of resources for dealing with this, online and in your scholastic community. Please use them.
I would be terribly sad if you harmed yourself. So would a lot of other people. Please don't.
(And by the way I gotta thank you for pulling me outta my bad mood. Because I got home after a 12-hour day to find that someone had parked in my reserved, paid-for and clearly marked parking space and I was SO FUCKING MAD but now that's all, y'know, in perspective, man. Om mane tiddly pom...)
Don't be sorry, Ghost. Just please stay safe and know how appreciated you are.
I don't know you personally enough to have noticed this before, or for it to directly affect me. Nor, unfortunately, am I thinking of much to say here that seems helpful. I suppose the most I can do here is add another voice to the many already present: we care about you, beyond being a producer of good stories. Good luck, and if you want to talk and for some reason wanted it to be to me instead of someone closer to you or one of the other people here, feel free.
Ghost, I wish I had some helpful tips or advice, but I think others have already said whatever I could, and more eloquently. Still, I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support.
You have nothing to apologize for, and I wish you the best of luck. If there is some way I, or any of the others can help you, please do not be afraid to reach out to us.
I'm going to second 3729815's comment- it's not your fault.
Nor are you in any way a burden. In fact, you lift us up in so many ways every time you post something. We're all here for you. Whatever you feel, whatever you think, however dark things seem, know that there's an entire community here who care what happens to you.
I'm not going to lie - depression sucks. It's a horrible experience, and it's going to stay that way for a long time. Your own emotions are kicking you in the head, and no matter how hard you try you can't seem to fight through them. Depression can't be quickly cured or easily managed - it's endured. But believe me when I tell you it can get better. I understand you might have some trouble getting help, but get some anyway once you feel you can - it's important.
Don't give up, and remember that it's not your fault.
You've got a lot of folks pulling for you, me included. Also, I don't know if you've sought professional help, but a good therapist can do wonders as well. Take care of yourself, and like many others have said, this is the last thing you need to apologize for.
No apologies are needed. Depression is fairly common, and no one should feel the need to hide it. I used to have a problem with it myself. Really, the best thing to do is talk to someone about how you feel, friend or otherwise. I hope that you can feel better in the near future.
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I've been batting this around with some friends who know the situation well like me, and we feel like it's worth saying something. We haven't heard from Ghost, so this is a non-approved message. And Ghost: (1) don't feel like you need to respond to this comment and (2) feel totally free to delete it if you like.
Your good thoughts are awesome! Thank you. But unfortunately Ghost really can't get professional help—not in a traditional sense. There are reasons; I will not explain them. Suffice it to say that the aforementioned batting friends have all discussed this with him because it is the best option; and yet we're all completely on board with his statement that he can't get professional help.
Yes, it's one of life's great indignities that someone who could use that help can't get it. Yes, it sucks a lot. Unfortunately, it's a non-resolvable issue. It's cool that you guys care a lot, and thank you again—but professional help is off the table, and that's unlikely to change.
You're not alone, if nothing else, that fact should be readily apparent from just all the responses that you've gotten here.
I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that I know exactly the headspace that you're in right now, I've dealt with it, and to a large extent I've overcome it within myself. There were 3 things that really pulled me through my worst moments though.
1) Friends: IRL works best, but take the unconditional companionship anywhere that you can get it, it seems obvious to me that you seem to have this step fairly well covered, but as it's probably the most important it's certainly worth mentioning regardless.
). For me this was Aikido, but find anything that can keep your interest so you keep doing it.
2) Meditation: There's lots of methods and lots of paths to reach the same goal, but the point is to do anything that quiets your mind, that calms you down when your brain decides that it wants to punish you into a depression spiral. Aural mediation was what did it for me, but find whatever way you feel helps you the best.
3) Exercise: There's a reason that exercise feels good, it's that rush of endorphins that your body floods your brain in as a job well done. Getting into the routine is the hardest part for this one, and your friends from #1 can be quite the help in this one. Find one that's willing to drag you out even when you're not feeling like it, and reward them with lots of thanks (beer & meals are great friend payments for this service
I hope any of this might be useful for you, but either way, know you're nowhere close to alone in this, and there's helping hands reaching out to you from every side, all you have to do is grab onto one.
A lot of us reading your stuff have been there. Some of us are still there, even. It's more common than one might think. It's just, well... as you've discovered, it's hard to talk about.
Other random stranger from the Internet here. There's not much I can add to what others have already said more eloquently and tactfully.
I will only add my perspective as someone who had to deal with a few people very dear to him that suffer(ed) from depression. You don't need to apologise. Maybe you feel like you do, and I it helps you then go on, but it is not necessary. Friends and family (and also this specific random stranger but that is a minor detail) understand. They often understand more than you think even if they can't really feel what you feel. You are not alone and you are surely not worthless.
And have some platonic hugs (they are ideal and so not icky) from another stranger whose life you have impacted positively, among other things, with your wit and your splendid stories.
Hello there-
You don't know me, but I do enjoy your stories. I'm also a sufferer of depression: I've dealt with it for over thirty years.
The best words I've come across regarding depression are from Stephen Fry, who was asked for best tips overcoming depression. He answered:
I hope you find your umbrella.
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Stephen Fry is a smart guy, I know, but that quote is pure genius. Thank you for sharing it.
Isn't it fucking amazing how fimfiction pulls so many people together to support each other? All these people who have commented before me have said everything I could possibly think to say. I know you'll get through this and I hope you know that we are here to help you get through this. Thanks for having the courage to speak up.
My Dearest, Ghost
What a world of difference moving a comma over can make.
First of all, you should know it's not your fault. You probably don't know this, which is why so many of these wonderful people are doing their best to remind you and, hopefully, we reach a critical mass at some point and it gets through to you. Above and beyond everything else, it's not your fault. JediMaster Ed put it well enough, so I need not repeat him.
Second of all, I'm aware you're ducking emails, but you're never under any obligation to answer mine. At this point I've just been sending them to let you know that I don't think any less of you for this. I especially don't think you're weak. Very, very tired maybe, but never weak. I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure that's true of a lot of others here. I also cannot say it enough; You have not, never have been, and I cannot hypothesize a reality where you will be seen as a bad friend to me. You're a good friend in a bad situation, which is a thoroughly different concept.
Your mailman gets shunted off a cliff face and doesn't deliver your messages, I don't blame the mailman, I blame the cliff. Likewise, I'm of firm belief that I should be blaming the cliff face that is preventing you from being able to reply to me, and not you yourself, for a lack of messages.
Seriously. I mean that. If you blame yourself I'll fucking rent a canoe, paddle across the great Pacific ocean, then hitchhike across the Baltic region until I can find you and personally slap you. I'll fucking do it. I mean, I'll hug the everloving shit out of you first... probably forget what I was there to do...
But I'll be soggy from the canoe! And it'll be mildly unpleasant!
Anyway.
Threatening you with the soggiest of hugs
Ross James
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As much as I like Stephen Fry, and as good as that analogy is in most parts, it does ring false in one respect: while depression, like the rain, is not your fault and won't last forever, it kinda is your responsibility to do something about it. Unlike rain, you can't just "wait out" depression, because without action on your part it is going to last; maybe not forever, but way, way longer than it has to.
Since others, who know your situation and are not currently in the grip of depression, have confirmed that you really can't get medical treatment, I'll accept that as a given. Have you looked into unofficial help such as support and self-help groups, both on-line and in person? Are there some non-pharmaceutical (and non-regulated) remedies that, while not as powerful and targeted as medication, can nevertheless help keep your serotonin levels up at least a little? Are you getting regular exercise, even if it is just a daily walk or 20 minutes on a stationary bike?
I don't have anything else to give, but please have a big hug! Know that people (including myself) care about you.
JoE
So, I've never had the privilege of meeting you, but I would like to thank you for both your amazing stories, and for your candor.
As a person who also struggles with PTSD-induced social anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder, I can empathize with what you're going through. There was a point in my life not so very long ago that I seriously, without any pretext, considered suicide. I won't go into details here, as they are not something the public needs to hear, but I'd be happy to listen (and talk) if you need a place to work through some of the things you're facing.
What I will talk about publicly is how much things have turned around for me recently. I was in a very dark place and finally decided that I needed professional help around January of last year (2015). After what was probably one of the most difficult admissions of my life and a long set of talks with the doctor (which is really all you have left to occupy your time when you check yourself into the mental health ward of the hilariously "local" VA hospital, conveniently located some 3 hours away), they decided to put me on some medication. It helped a bit. It's taken a year of talking, a lot of tears, and a couple of changes to the medication⁽¹⁾, but things are looking a lot better.
As others have mentioned, "professional" help isn't really an option for you (I suspect it has something to do with your location), but that doesn't mean you can't get help. My point is that you're not alone in your struggle, however much you may feel like you are. Being afraid is okay, but please have the courage to reach past the fear and let us offer that help if you need it.
Best Wishes,
Dusk Watch
PS. If you can find the strength (and funding) to make it to Everfree Northwest, I'd love to share dinner with you and talk about things. Pony and non-pony, if that's okay.
⁽¹⁾To be fair, the "medication" I'm now on isn't anything that the doctor gave me. They can't prescribe it due to being employees of the federal government. It works fantastically, if taken in moderation (read: once per week), and some of the side effects are pretty epic for several hours. It's also something you can manufacture yourself. I'll talk about it in more detail privately if you like, but not here.
I commiserate greatly. It is also not too late; to let others know (as you have here) means that on some level you do want to get better, and to a certain extent to have help.
I do not know what issues prevent the seeking of professional help, but for your own sake and vestiges of sanity, please at least look into self-help. There is at least a chance that it can do something.
May things never get as bad for you as they did for others I have known.
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Thanks for the update.
Unfortunately, I cannot say that this comes as a surprise to me. I've been suspecting something of the sort.
And I'll not waste words with platitudes, because I know, painfully, viscerally, for certain know from personal experience that in that state no words of others (even, or maybe especially, of those closest to you) seem as anything other than empty drivel. It is not of course, but that is the nature of the insidious evil that is depression.
I am going to light a candle for you and add you to my morning and evening prayers until we hear again from you with news that you are on the mend, and I am absotievly, posielutely certain you will get on the mend.
Also
HUGS