FimFiction Review #3 · 11:53pm Jan 21st, 2016
Hey there, everyone! I'm back with another review and this time... oh boy is this one interesting. So without further adieu let us begin with this story.
Extraterrestrials
by
MrDevestation101
Disclaimer
For this review the topic is a crossover you all should be familiar with. Why I am writing this is to let you all know that this review is not in any way, meant to make my story look better. I review stories for the sake of reviewing and have no ulterior motives other than to try and help the author improve with his writing.
Description
It started as a routine operation on a distant world to mine for minerals. But what the crew of the Luna don't realize, is that Equis isn't the only inhabited planet. For in orbit they come across a seemingly abandoned vessel of alien origin, and discover a multitude of alien corpses. They don't know what happened to the crew, but they're going to find out.
Concept
The concept of this story is what brought me to this story in the first place. A story set far into the future with what seems to be Equestria set in a futuristic time period. Of course this also means that the futuristic period is set from what I believe may or may not be after season four, although that’s just a guess. But to actually address it let me stop rambling and I’ll get to it.
So the concept of this story is that our favorite heroines are on what appears to be a routine mission to mine a distant world for minerals. Alright so here’s the odd thing. Why are they the specific mares on the job for this? Did they earn a licensing degree to be space engineers like Isaac Clarke? Because you all know how well that goes for engineers in space. But anywho the concept continues on to be that they soon happen upon an alien vessel and once they enter it they find dead bodies of humans, or aliens in their case. So the hunt for the creature that does this is on.
Now do keep in mind that I believe people who enjoy an Xenomorph tale like this; where our favorite mares go on a spaceship to discover who and what killed the crewmembers of an alien vessel is thrilling for readers who enjoy a horror story like this. For me… honestly I was expecting something different? I mean I do enjoy the concept but this one is unoriginal and kind of bland. Some stories like Dead Space is one example of such a cliche that seems to be storming up to view.
But does it make this story bad? No, not all that much. I do see the that some readers would certainly take an interest in a classic feeling of how the old Alien’s concept was. But for me, it wasn’t original and copied an idea that just seems to fall short of the mark.
Plot
The plot of Extraterrestrial was… how should I put it, predictable? The basic premise as stated was that our favorite girls find an empty vessel on one of their routine trips to a planet to mine its resources. Now here’s the first problem as I’ve already said. How did they get into this? The author, Devestation, doesn’t go into detail on how they got this gig in the first place. All we know is that they’re miners in this version of Equestria.
So it begins with them waking up from hypersleep, a nostalgic feeling I like about the opening. It focuses on Twilight for this first chapter and it starts with her greeting everypony. Although the scene quickly changes to sometime after they’re eating to meeting up with their captain, who appears to be Spitfire with Soarin as one of the pilots of their ship called Luna. Okay… so again, there’s no exposition here. How did Spitfire and Soarin get this job? There’s no description on how they transitioned to this kind of job.
But once they’ve talked for about… a second from which this conversation lasts we get a cliffhanger of their ship finding this stranded vessel known as Evangelion. When they try and contact it the last human alive on the USG ship the man quickly dies moments into the conversation. Of course the smart thing to do is quickly jump aboard the ship and try to find out what has killed all of these aliens.
So once they discover the dead humans aboard their ship, the girls decide to split up. Yes, you can tell how well that works out because in the end the first pony to die is Fluttershy because she is cornered by the Xenomorph in a locker. Once Rainbow escapes, she tells the others through their communication devices and quickly heads back towards them.
Then on towards Applejack and Pinkie Pie. As they come back with medical supplies, the Xenomorph gets the drop on AJ and drags her into a vent. You know, there’s one thing I really want to bring up here… but I’ll wait ‘til that matter comes up later.
So when the group comes back together, they contact their ship… but Spitfire decides to leave them behind. Okay… so why would Spitfire all of a sudden leave them behind? That doesn’t fit to her character. (Although to be honest she is kind of mean in the cannon sometimes, she does manage to redeem herself). Which then leaves our remaining heroes stranded in the ship with the killer Alien.
But what happens next? Well, after moments of arguing and exploring the ship they come across the next Xenomorph-- a Queen. Once they discover the nest and the Queen, all hell breaks loose. Rarity dies from one regular Xenomorph and Rainbow and Twilight are snatched and facehugged after they discover AJ’s dying body. Pinkie Pie escapes and comes across a severely damaged android.
She decides to talk to it for a moment before setting the ship to explode. But of course, she dies right before the explosion due to another Xenomorph. And then it ends with Twilight watching Rainbow Dash die before she begins to experience the pain of a Chestburster going right through her in a fiery explosion. So… no one makes it. That’s the literal ending to the story as one bittersweet ending.
Okay… let me gather my thoughts. This is a complete copy of the original Alien movie. Except this time no one survives. No heroine to save the day and no happy yet bittersweet ending. But seriously… by god. This plot, like the concept, is completely unoriginal. I don’t know if Devestation took the time to write this out, because it looks pretty much like he/she didn’t. It might be a good story to get that nostalgic feeling for the original movie, but I sure did not like how much he copied from the original movie itself. All I have to end on… is that this story’s plot is completely… horrible.
Setting
Now the one interesting thing is that Devestation has gotten the setting good at least. Maybe it’s not as original or unique as I would have liked it to be but it certainly does reward itself for bringing what could have been a nice setting for Equestria to be in… well, except for the fact that it doesn’t even reveal Equestria or what the homeworld looks like. All in all, I’d say it was nice.
Characters
The main focus of this story was the mane six. So obviously it would be a story about them and we would see our heroic mares in action, right?
… Oh, if only one could wish so. Each character is a bleak representation of who they should have been. The only character that seemed on point was Rainbow Dash, and even then she seemed to be the only pony to show any reaction to their friends’ dying. Seriously. Twilight wasn’t interesting. Rarity was not interesting. In fact, these character’s deaths did not even leave a stain on my emotions. Since there was no exposition towards them, I did not grow attached to them.
And why would Spitfire just leave them!? God, she was so disinteresting and heartless. A pony would never have left their own to perish like that! Spitfire included! Wonderbolts never leave their own behind, which Rainbow Dash was one! Secondly, another character Devestation included was an android at the near end that spoke with Pinkie Pie. How long was he there for? For about… like ten seconds.
You don’t just throw in a random character at the near end and expect a reader to even give the slightest inkling of feeling for them. It was pointless and only split the gap between Pinkie’s death. To end this off, I have to just be blunt and say that Devestation’s characterization of them was… just so awful. I did not feel sad for them when they died. To me it was just a bland way for all of them to go out.
Final Review & Score
Now for the ending… good god, am I actually excited to get a story over with? That’s actually a first for me. But before I completely go into rant mode, I will say this. This story at least could’ve had potential. With the right amount of time put into it, I would say it would have been a decent story. But for those who want a nostalgic feeling, this might be the story to look for.
But now… to be completely honest. This story was just… how do I put it nicely? Oh. Completely awful. The pacing was just horrendous. Every chapter was about a thousand words long. Not even breaking two-thousand words. The paragraphs were just walls of text and I could hardly keep track of what was going on at times. I honestly was just expecting something else and all I got was just… I don’t even know how to begin describing it. If he had separated the texts by paragraph it would have given me an easier time in understanding what the hell was happening.
The characters were just bland. Rainbow Dash seemed to be the only pony to react to their friend’s death, along with Pinkie Pie. Twilight hardly even gave a care for their deaths. There was literally no exposition. Not even a single smidgen. If Devestation took the time to write everypony out, wrote a proper amount that did give me time to slowly begin caring for them then this would have been a better experience. Everyone was just written so badly that I could hardly believe what I was seeing. I was just so put off by the characters not being who they were canonically, that it sort of just ruined the whole experience for me. If you really, really like alien stories you can read it, but as a reviewer I would not recommend it.
And my final review of it? I’d have to honestly give this story a 4.7/10. The plot’s pacing is just horrendous. There is no character development whatsoever and the whole story is just in disarray. The idea and concept would have worked so much better but Devestation’s work just fell flat. And the characters... man oh man the characters. If there was ever a point in time where I did not care about what happened to the mane six in a story, then this certainly made me feel that way about them. Does this mean he shouldn’t try again? No. Although if he was to put the effort and time into it, I would definitely have given this story a higher rating. But unfortunately that wasn't the case with this story. So in the end, the story fell over itself, made a complete mess of its characters and made me lose interest within the first few seconds.
Can't please everyone. Thanks for taking the time.
3703581 You sound disappointed? I understand that everyone indeed does have a critic. But this question is meant in an honest and curious manner. I'm just curious from your response.
3712418 given the support and general positive feedback that the story itself has been getting, yeah. I'd say I'm disappointed. But am I gonna try and sob story my way out of it? No. Just know that I'm only in high school and, when the story was first published, hadn't been writing for even a year. I'm also absolute SHIT at writing characters that I didn't create or fully understand. Maybe you could offer to assist me in fixing it? But whatever. I don't need to do anything. Too late now anyway.
3712467 Well... when a story such as yours is given positive feedback... except (and don't take this to heart) when it wasn't written all that well... yeah, that can blind someone. (Trust me. I've been in that same situation). Why do you think I'm revising my first Xenomorph crossover story? It's not for fun. It's to completely revamp it and give it a new life to breathe. That's why new things are happening. I didn't tell it in the way that was intended, so the new chapters are my showing of that.
Also I don't want to sound like an overbearing mother or anything, but I've been here as well. Don't put yourself down from a mistake. Learn it and move on from it.
As for advice... from what I've read of your story, your characterization does need some work. If one of their friends die, make sure they show that emotion (I.E. Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, etc). They aren't just going to sit there and stare. That's like another bad Xenomorph crossover I've read. The girls actually watched a pony die from birth of a chestburster and sat their gawking in awe like it was an Orca jumping out from the ocean or something. Jokes aside, an author's interpretation of a cannon character is how they see it, so normally your view on characters will be different compared to mine. Plus there's one other thing. Just because you've shipped them together, nobody will really care if one of them dies and the other character's sad when it doesn't do anything for their arch. Like Applejack for example. Sure Rainbow Dash was super upset about it, but I pretty much just sat there and read onward, not really caring that Applejack died in such a predictable and uninteresting way. Don't just kill them off like that.
Plus Rainbow Dash got nothing out of it. Nor did it even push her story arch forward. Heck, she didn't have much of an arch to begin with anyway. You gotta make sure this death is truly important. Otherwise, killing characters off willy nilly is just going to get boring real quick.
Another thing was your pacing. You write your chapters... to be honest, in such a short telling. You tell rather than show. You barely describe and that's more or less the real nitty gritty stuff. This isn't meant in a way to bash you. I'm just here to offer friendly advice from one author to another.
If you want to learn more? Here. One of my friends here makes some very helpful workshops that helped me learn more and more as well over time. (Especially since this also relates to your story about deaths and whatnot). Here you go. Writer's Workshop
Now as for working on your Xenomorph crossover fic? Yeah... I don't know about that. That is a lot, and I do mean a lot of work to make right. I don't mean it in a bad way, but I'm also way too busy to fully be someone's full time proofreader or editor. And college is back in business so that delays and takes up space as well. But I do hope that this has helped you in some way or another.