An Ode to E. Coli and other Reddit Poetry · 9:18am Jan 19th, 2016
When Little Timmy went for lunch,
He stopped, and cheerful, chose:
'The very best burrito-brunch,
Devoid of GMOs!'He slowly paused to read the sign:
'We're proud to serve instead
Authentic food on which to dine -
Unmodified!' it said.And so he gaily made his way
To step, content, inside.
But Timmy ate at Chipotle.
And Timmy fucking died.- Poem for your Sprog, Reddit
This is, apparently, Poem for your Sprog's thing, as apparently all he does is post poems.
A number of which end badly for poor Timmy, a boy you might remember from this classic rhyme:
Timmy was a chemist's son,
But Timmy is no more
'Cause what Timmy thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
Some other pretty great/amusing poems by Sprog:
'I'll put it on the card!' she cried,
And flashed her plastic friend -
Her magic-stringless-shopping-guide;
Her endless means to spend.'It's true,' she said then sighed instead,
And clutched her card with glee -
'It's like they say of life,' she said:
'The best of things are free.'And so she gaily paid her way,
As every purchase passed -
And it was sweet until the day
The bill arrived, at last.
'You'll never
Guess
What happened
Next,'
It promised,
bit by bit.
And by
the time
I reached the text,
I didn't
give
a shit.
'Gosh darn it!' thought Donald: 'enough is enough!
Campaigning is draining and dreadfully tough!
I'm lost in a feeling of darkness and doubt -
I need to escape it! I need to get out!'But how do I do it?' he pondered in plight:
'Perhaps there's a way if I package it right.'
'Let's ban immigration and build up a wall -
They're Muslims,' said Donald, 'and Mexicans, all!''Well that ought to do it,' he thought with a grin -
'I'll drop out tomorrow and shroud it in spin.'
His publicist rang as he readied for bed:
'Your ratings have never been higher!' he said.
'When I was young,' my father spoke,
'We had no web to read -
No cyber-searching inter-folk
For information, freed.'There was no page designed to find;
No 'net in which to turn;
No browser, site and search combined,
To help we children learn.He slowly, sadly shook his head,
Then sighed with sorrow, deep.
'We had to open books,' he said.
I turned away to weep.
If you should fray, or fall apart,
In any where or when -
I'll always try, with all my heart,
To make you whole again.But if you choose to fall behind,
And break and shake to bits -
The day may come where I won't find
A single piece that fits.
These were fun. Though you did Wikipedia snipe me, you bastard!
Two more from Sprog:
Fantastic. These are some pretty awesome pieces of culturally relevant poetry.
3697347
Yeah, it is pretty great. Though also kind of sad in a way; they're a wonderful poet, but I don't think posting on reddit makes much money. Though apparently they have released a book.
Speaking of cultural relevance, they posted this after the death of the ringleaders of the attacks in Paris:
3697352
Man, I wish I could come up with rhymes as great as those. Poetry is a really hard thing for me to do for some reason. I feel as if I am proficient or maybe even skilled in writing, but poetry is like Call of Duty for me: you do fantastic one game, but the next you're beating yourself across the head with a controller because you can't do anything.
But I do agree that Reddit is a place that isn't going to do them any good when it comes to making money, but then again, that's the beauty of it: someone like me, who can barely afford to live on his own, can enjoy some entertaining pieces of poetry for absolutely no cost! I would love to support this person if I had the money, however.
One more from Sprog:
It is a joy to read something that isn't just hilarious and deep by turns, but so beautifully structured. It's like this guy is Dr. Seuss's more topical nephew, especially when he works in anapests.
I love Poem for Your Sprog. I came across them like a year ago, and I've never let go. Thanks for sharing these!
Synchronicity!
I just stumbled across this poet last week. I'm a fan of the webcomic that Dan Long, the guy who illustrated the book, used to do and was looking into what he'd been doing since stopping the comic...
Mike
3697363
That poem is more horrifying than any work of Lovecraft and company.
3697356
This is your bible. Carry it well, and the rest falls into place.
You should link the threads/comment chains that the poems are a part of. One of the more impressive aspects for me is how he can craft these poems simply using the context of what he's replying to.
I read me some poems, when I was once bored,
And I thought that I'd spend some free time
And make up some words in strings and in scores
To meters and others to rhymes.
I combed throughout all of my memory
For some funny thingies to say,
But found that poem'ing comedy
Might just take me most of the day.
So instead I decided "I'll steal it!
And rhyme stuff that isn't all mine!"
(After all, isn't that our whole bit,
Cartoon ponies and stories in mind?)
So here do I go, in this easy class,
I'll waste my time rhyming dumb jokes.
Don't stop me just yet if your ears they have passed,
You might just enjoy them, you blokes.
What do you call a limp noodle so false,
It pretends to be something it's not, sah?
At dances it lies, fakes its way through a waltz,
You might want to call it "impasta"!
There once was a boy who was bullied by peers,
Every day they would take his allowance.
So what do you call him when he faces his fears?
You call the poor boy an ambulance!
The weirdest high school friend I ever did know
Once learned a dark summoning mantra.
But the being he finally commanded to show,
Being very dyslexic, was Santa.
A blind man I knew once walked into a bar,
But did not, as you think, cry out "Ouch!"
For as soon as he entered, the door quite ajar,
He ran into a table and couch.
If you travel through time to a dino restroom,
You'll never hear a pterodactyl.
For even in there you may always assume
That their "P" is kept silent and still.
I once met Snoop Dogg in a restaurant, really!
And he had an umbrella, fo'shizzle.
I had to ask why, 'cause he kind of looked silly,
And he told me, quite simply, "Fo'drizzle!"
I'm done. You may now forget my existence.
These are fantastic.
3698347
The Snoop Dog one made me laugh out loud.
Does that mean I'm racist?
3698270
Yeah, it is pretty incredible. I guess that's easy to overlook, but it is pretty great.
And of course the people who Sprog replies to are always so blown away by it.
3698802 The stupidest jokes are always the funniest when put to rhyme.
Now I want to hear it rapped. Hmmm...
Oh wow, this is amazing stuff.
I found a link to a whole collection of them, plus context, put in a pdf file:
https://9814306718f83fe0d28fafe3f08a4df985f1c874.googledrive.com/host/0B5rhAEnx4Q9wbWdkbXd1VnpzUEU